Sobriety. Whatever that is.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

alter-egos

Ig, interesting debate. I've got a lot of the same shit going on in my head too.
For me it's the struggle between owning the mistakes I've made and owning that I'm sick. I don't care what the past has been. That doesn't mean I don't think about how I fucked up in the 2nd grade, or was a complete bitch last month. What's worrisome is that they carry equal weight in my mind. And latching on to any one of the many leads me down a really undermining path. Or worse, a woe is me. Or the worst, I'm better than ______.
Bac and some of the discussions here have really been enlightening for me in terms of the balance. I feel much more free to own or disown whatever will silence my alter-egos. In my mind they just need to shut the f* up. I've got a task at hand: Managing life, while taking bac, in order to achieve forever-sobriety. Period. The little voices in my head undermine that.
I've always believed that I ignore them at my peril. Now I think they're like the women on the View (annoying talk show full of way-too-vociferous women) that just blah-blah-blah me to death.
In addition to the info here, I've come to this conclusion because I'm having panic attacks. I am not in any way belittling panic attacks, but it turns out they are all in my head. The shaking, quaking, feeling like my heart is going to explode physical symptoms are all too real, but there is nothing physically wrong with me. They've got to go and it turns out I'm the only one who can do anything about them. (Including managing meds, ftr.)
I would guess that we all have a mind full of ivory towers and gutters, what we set forth depends on the audience. If the audience is just me I'm very likely to keep that merry go round going until I end up with wet brain in a padded room. Not for me, but thank you.
I'm reading Self-Coaching by Luciani. While I've got a room full of self-help books, I'm really connecting with this one. And to borrow from someone on here: Thoughts become words, become actions, and ultimately define us. Be aware of the thoughts. Yours have given me something to mull over and I appreciate it.
With you on the journey, trying to stay focused on the goal. The rest will understandably follow.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Hey Neva. I read it with care the first time so no need to post twicehttps://www.mywayout.org/community/images/smilies/haha.gif (EDIT: SOMEONE SEND ME A PM WITH A DUMMIES GUIDE TO GETTING THE SMILIES TO WORK. MUCH IF YOUR READING I NEED STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTION!)

Owning the mistakes or owning that your sick? At the moment I do both. equally well. My prob. is I can't separate them. Which bad thing I did is really the true me or due to me being drunk/ill, which good thing I did was a reflection of my core being or just an extension of my ego trying to get some worldly advantage.

I know the 'holier than thou' which I hate but in some part of my mind it seems to be there. I'm just beginning to own and relish the 'woe is me'. Somewhere in the middle lies the correct path.

I like the part about the little voices. We only give them the power/importance that we choose to give them. Somewhere down the road behind me I learnt that life should be simple and that was plain wrong. Every body has conflicting thoughts and thats what makes us human not robots. Food for thought.

That part borrowed from another's post post has also stuck with me. Something about: without you realising it your thoughts ultimately can define you, so choose which thoughts you choose to give credit and importance to. If someone can find the original and post it here I would appreciate.

As ever 'onwards and upwards', I have some direction now, I just hope its not fickle!

LOL Ig

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Owning the mistakes or owning that your sick?
Both. We're human.
Good, bad or indifferent. I like the idea, put forth in AA so succinctly, that we have a responsibility to right the wrongs, deal with the resentments, live each day with purpose, etc... But I will never be free of resentment, lapses in judgement or just having a day when I JUST don't feel like it. And my sought after sobriety can't depend on those things. Just mho, mind you.
I have a lot of friends right now that don't have these issues. Some are much more religious/spiritual than I. Some are 'better' people than I. But they're not infallible. They resent their spouses/parents/kids sometimes. Don't make it to church every single Sunday. Or keep a tally of their shortcomings. They get up and put on their big-girl-britches and start the day. Bac and I don't get along at all. I feel terrible on very low doses. Don't care. I gotta do what I gotta do, even if my whole world has to come to a screeching halt.
My voices often tell me that I'm not worth the success I'm struggling for. That I should (say it with me!) just. quit. drinking. But I've done that. And I still felt pretty worthless. Because all I wanted to do was drink.
You know the children's story The Little Engine That Could? "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!"
I reallyappreciate your cynicism and your sense of humor. But the moral of the story is: You can do it. It's gotta be that easy and that difficult, right? I hope!
Can't help you with the smiley. Can't even figure out how to post just once...

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

'Little engine story' I don't know

Will look it up

Pretty spaced right now so don't hold your breath

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Relieved to see it is a tale of optimism and success in the face of adversity. Thought I might have a Samaritan cry on my hands. Not really.

I think that it is a simplified version for the American people of an old English saying "If at first you don't succeed try,try and try again"

I hope its based on truth and not just fabricated to keep our offspring in line. I'm feeling a bit frail this evening, drank to much, panic attacks worsening ((what am I doing to my brain),
wife being very dysfunctional and 3 kids sufferering.

Lets hope and see.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Now 4.45am, feelings of panic have subsided.

Something to do with the new dose and excess alcohol, easy right, don't drink you bloody fool. A situation arose in the restaurant where I hang out. An underdog being bullied, mostly just joyful jesting but somehow I felt compelled to stay to lend her moral support. I mean how f#@ked/codependent/projecting is that? Nothing to do with me, but one of the jesting leaders decided to use me as his foil. I gave him some of my rapier wit (or words) and then felt compelled to see it out.

I sometimes see myself on a crusade to right the wrongs in the world. I can't even do it for myself. They're not my concern, at least not to the extent I internalise them.

The panic is getting very real now, noticed a little of my general un ease returning a couple of weeks ago. But tonight it was preventing me from sleeping. I also am getting 'computer arm' because of the inordinate amount of time I'm on MWO! I thought I won't be able to type and the only lifeline I've got to people who have a clue about what I'm going through will be taken away..........then I'll be taken away because I wont be able to articulate my angst in this foreign language.......right. Time to start feeling less estranged, I think.

Now 5 and I'm going to attempt another hours kip before I take my morning cuppa and 50mg.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Sleep..........not happening.

What's that I hear, "No rest for the wicked"?

Grow up and stop being so melodramatic. I'm going to have a coffee.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Samaritan? I wish.
This is a lonely process, easy to feel estranged. Adds fuel to the whole boundary-issues quandary doesn't it? Is it my issue or isn't it? Did I remember to bring my cape to the restaurant?
Sorry for the panic attacks. I can't believe how debilitating they are. And how much they suck. I'm going to holistic to try to find a solution.
I've got computer finger. Hope you got some kip. (is that sleep?)

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

It sure is and it sure does.

About the panic attacks, I've found that grunting helps. A sort of low growl which reverberates in my body. Sort of gets things back on an even keel for a while. Weird, I know: lot of weirdness at the moment. Try it, preferably where no one can hear you. On the weirdness stakes I don't know if it comes above or below sitting on the ground with your legs stretched into an uncomfortable position, palms upraised, staring at a spot.

Kip comes from a Danish word meaning 'cheap boarding house', which comes from 'brothel', which comes from 'ale house'. All places to get out of the reality of life. Italics are my view. I love the net.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

lol. Growling versus ohming. I'll take it into consideration.
I have to apologize for resorting to pop-psychology and children's lit. I hope I wasn't being trite. It's where I am. (I have not seen that the little engine that could keeps anyone in line. But I swear to you that I find myself repeating simple, stupid mantra throughout my day just to get through whatever sordid scene pops into my head. I don't know how weird it is, but it is a little embarrassing.)
Hope you got some kip, stretched out on a mattress and not in an ale house. or a brothel, I don't suppose that would help things with the wife. :H

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Might teach her a lesson - Ig2
Get over yourself - Ig1

Not trite at all (considering the esoteric nature of the subject) and I wasn't being completely facetious. I found myself doing it last night again. You've probably hit the nail on the head, "growling versus ohming". But my way doesn't require tatami mats and wind chimes, quick way to the primordial self. Just my/my mother's prejudices I expect. Then again repeating mantras doesn't even require you to be out or ear shot. Whatever gets the job done!


The sound I make doen't require clenching of teeth or even opening my mouth. Its more like a shortened version of 'Uh um" as in 'Uh um, I understand that'

At the risk or because of; flogging a dead horse and sounding like a well known personality:
Give it a try
It might help
Let me know what you think

Many moons ago when I decided to once again get my life on track I saw a psychologist who asked me to repeat this mantra, 29 times a day, every day "I am a lovely lovable person". I can't remember the exact phrase but I think the gist of the message is intact. It worked surprisingly well. That it was later used against me in a visitation rights court battle over our unborn baby is a different story, but I put it out there to yank some sympathy from some of the gal readers.

I'm sure I've seen a little righteous police train somewhere.

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Sounds similar to a vagal maneuver.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Thought for a sec you were being lewd

Googled it, Don't think so.

I think this avatar is getting closer

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

ignominous;986403 wrote: Thought for a sec you were being lewd

Googled it, Don't think so.
Nothing sexual about the vagus nerve, but it does come in quite handy for slowing one's heart rate.

I think this avatar is getting closer

Think so? I?m on day 5 AF (no expectations there, but feeling pretty decent for the moment). And I never have gotten to keep the remote! Hubs is the king of channel-surfing. Really, how many programs can a person watch at one time? And all the zooming around gives me motion sickness.

But replace the Bud with a Michelob Ultra, and the remote with a wireless mouse, and it?s pretty close to ?me smashed,? which I believe is also a mini-game in Plants vs. Zombies.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Googled the vagus nerve. No way I can read up on that atm. Plays right into my panic, which is mostly related to a fear of fainting. (Can't even write about it. egad.)

I did try growling today, Ig. It made me laugh out loud. I don't think I'm very good at growling, tho husband and others would disagree. Tomorrow I'll try it more like throat clearing. Still, the laughing helped, so maybe I'll just growl my way through the next... what? months? years? whatever...
How can someone use against you the fact that you repeat how lovely and loveable you are? Unless you're standing on a street corner and sharing it with strangers? Sorry for that... I have two friends going through divorces and though I love them, they can be rather unreasonable at the moment.

Back to topic at hand, though. Tracy, congrats. Where are you with the bac? And Ig, are you feeling better. (BTW, Ig1 may be a better dominant role for this journey. He seems a little more, well, charitable. Toward himself and others.)
hope it's a good night, or day, as the case may be.