Sobriety. Whatever that is.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

I seemed to have been given a reprieve with the internet so I'll post most recent revelations here.

Due to the enforced MYO abstinence, which I have found myself becoming more and more absorbed in, I needed another outlet for my new self. This is more uninhibited than the previous self I've been living in. The one to which you have all been contributers.

Its very difficult to be yourself if all you can remember is having to put some other persons feelings before your own. In my case I think this other person was my mother who in many ways from age 6, I had to take care of emotionally in exchange for her allowing me life. I don't know who I am but with your input some possibilities are becoming more apparent.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Yesterday was rather bleak with no levity in sight, i.e. my fix on MWO. After drinking 1/4 bottle of whiskey which seems to suffice nowadays I ran into a group of expats and sat down with them. Ig1, Ig2 and Igx hadn't had their exercise and were keen to get out.

I was ragging on one girl who isn't very attractive. A couple of night's ago she was accompanied by a couple of local boys (pot dealers) to which I alluded that she was obviously getting into the swing of things and enjoying the local talent. She denied this strenuously, there was no need, but was obviously enjoying the implications and possibilities that toy boydon might have to offer.

Yesterday she was accompanied by more local fauna, an attractive, earthy, muscular young lady. I of course apologised profusly for mistaking her intentions the previous evening and again heartily congratulated her on having the courage to display her inclinations in public. I'm all for girl power.

I then reinforced my story by carrying it forward with another member in at the table.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

I posting this in small sections as I don't know when my connection will fail.

Anyway my conversation went something like this with the man next to me.

Ig: Sylvia's having a good time

He: I don't think she's gay, you wouldn't like to be called gay would you. I know I wouldn't.

Ig: I don't honestly know and the juries still out on that one.

He: Well I'm not gay and wouldn't want to be called gay

Ig: I'm just saying that we don't, in many ways, really know who we are ouselves let alone other people

He: I know for sure I'm not gay

Ig: That's not really the point

He: I'm not gay.........just saying

Ig : I was just jesting

He: Ha Ha, just one thing I know for sure is that I'm not gay

Ig: Lets get another drink

He: Not gay

I bowed out shortly after but not before encouraging the batchelor at the table to go clubbing/whoring and witnessing Mr Straight borrow $50 from his wife so he could follow!

All in all a very stimulating evening and I didn't get drunk or in a fight. Maybe I will get punched out when I next see them but too interesting to worry about that. I intend to find out in a couple of hours.

OK that's it

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Oh yeah

The revelation was what a dysfunctional set of people these ordinary folks were, rather similar to those at MWO and then it hit me. Maybe everyone has these life difficulties. Maybe I'm not the only imperfect person out there.

I need to find myself another set of guinea pigs to test this hypothesis on.

[Isolde]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

I think the guy next to you was gay.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Duh. Also my original reaction.

Then there's a film that I can't remember the name of. Some psycho serial killer is making a suit out of the skins of his victims. There's a scene where his victim is trapped at the bottom of a pit and she lures the psycho's dog into the pit. He's also a transvestite. And the psychiatrist's report says he's not even gay, only trying on different personas to try to find one which will fit. The suit is the ultimate tailor made skin that will fit. Sort of like he was trying to find hiswayout. I'm glad I didn't give out my address because I can relate to him!

Some people have lived the majority of their lives according to a script that didn't have them in it.

Then again, probably screaming.

How can I help him on his journey?

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

And Ne why would you swear not to come back here? I miss you.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Went to bed at 12 and true to form woke and got up 2 hours later.

Back at MYO and nothing.

Either your being collectively incredibly understanding and denying my reward till the morning or paranoia setting in.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

:sofa:




Something I said? :surrender:

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Just a quiet day, Ig.

I keep hoping Neva will post about her trip to D.C. Wonder if she saw the Rally to Restore Sanity.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Hi Trace

Which one I'll reservw judgement on. No offense meant.

How are you doing? Is the Bac really getting you to unwind? Are you even really taking Bac?

Thanks for replying.

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

No offense taken. Yes I'm still on it but almost threw in the towel after a bad night of not being able to breathe (Apnea went berserk) and having a badly timed moment of vertigo the next day while talking to my boss. I was only at 90 mg at that point. I'm backing off to 60 mg until I get on a CPAP to curb the apnea, which may be causing the feeling of overall crapiness. I see my nurse practitioner this week. I'd like to tell her that I'm AF, but that aint gonna happen. I can tell her that I haven't had a hangover in more than two weeks. Just can't drink much, but it's not that I don't want to - it just makes the SE's bad enough that I have to go to bed (where I just get to sleep and wake up with start because I'm suffocating - not a fun ride at all).

Sounds like you are hanging tough. Good for you.

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Yeah, I sometimes even think this time I'm going to get a handle on the beast.

So are you feeling calmer, less wound up. Maybe less into your games that have defined you over the past decades?

[ignominous]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

Tracy

I'm going back to sleep for a few hours.

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

Sobriety. Whatever that is.

I hope you sleep well, Ig.

I do feel calmer much of the time, but I asked for a second opinion from my husband of 30 years since I do not consider myself to be a reliable source. He said that I've been over all more mellow, but have moments of being "Not very nice." Then he said that there's times when I'm loopy. An exact quote: "It's like you are not really there at the moment. Either way behind or way ahead, but not really there." He said that my voice changes at such times, drops down a level (I normally have a small voice and am often mistaken for a child when I answer the phone). I wonder if the bac is causing something going on in my throat that effects both the sound of my voice and the apnea, which turned quite hellish for a bit there.