Well I did it...

[Sunnyvalenting]

Well I did it...

TTT,
I think you may be on to something. I think, too, there is the hope still out there that one is invulnerable after being abstinent for a time (with or without bac).I totally understand the temptation to peek just once more into pandora's box. I also understand that some of those here can do that and not get rehooked. It is just that I have read so much in the past 9 months about addiction that I understand that for me there are certain options that are no longer on the table. I struggled literally for years to get to this point. I relapsed more times than I wish to remember until I got to baclofen. Why would I every risk relapse to find out just how strong or weak the bac is? I just don't need to know because I truly understand what is at stake, and indulging my addiction disguised as my curiosity would definitely not be in MY best interest.
Good luck to any who feel or act otherwise.
Know thyself.
Sunny

[hangingoninFL]

Well I did it...

I may have misspoke when I said I drank as a test, in hindsight I really don't think that's what it was. I have long believed that I began drinking as an attempt to self-medicate my depression which I have suffered from most of my adult life. It was the only thing that seemed to pull me out of self-pity, hopelessness and defeatism and gave me hope and optimism for the future. Anti-depressants only succeeded in numbing my emotional state without providing me with the same "mood-booster" that alcohol does.

I was actually in one of my depressed states of mind when I decided to pick up the drink. Although I did not enjoy it at all, neither did it provide me the emotional lift that I had always relied upon, so it was kind of a bittersweet experience. But when I consider the damage that alcohol has done to my life, its a trade-off that I have to accept.

If I can become AL-free then I can focus on my depression and try to find some medications or alternative treatments that will pull me out and keep me out. I know that while I continue to drink none of those treatments will be effective.

[hangingoninFL]

Well I did it...

I should add that anxiety has never been a problem for me, just the dark mood of depression. I can see how BAC helps those of you that are triggered by anxiety, unfortunately BAC has no mood-lifting benefit that I have noticed.

[moglor]

Well I did it...

I'm in the exact same boat, Hangin. I'm still researching baclofen and various antidepressants because I don't want to bring my doctor into the loop on the baclofen yet. Depression was the reason I stumbled the first time with bac, and it led me into a 6 week spiral of drinking and depression that I almost didn't make it out of.

[Isolde]

Well I did it...

hangingoninFL;990828 wrote: I should add that anxiety has never been a problem for me, just the dark mood of depression. I can see how BAC helps those of you that are triggered by anxiety, unfortunately BAC has no mood-lifting benefit that I have noticed.

I'm sorry that you don't find this to be so. I suffer more from depression than I do from anxiety (though both caused me to drink), and I find my mood to be much better all around w/the bac. I find that I feel much more positive.
Then again, seems that everyone's got different experiences w/bac. I imagine it's all somehow related to our brain chemistry. I also don't find the SEs to be too bad for me, though I am only at 85mgs right now, so I'm sure that could change as I increase! Bac also cured my insomnia, I'm getting better sleep now than I've ever gotten.

Well, at least you're at the point that you had to pretty much force yourself to finish a drink. That is definitely a step in the right direction, so congrats on that! And being free from self-medicating with alcohol, you can begin to start working on finding a way to be free of the depression as well. :l

[Isolde]

Well I did it...

Topsy-Turvy-Tracy;990364 wrote: One psychiatrist I saw said that kids spin around in circles because they like experiencing altered mental states - and some kids like it much more than other kids. I remember when I was a kid we used to do this thing where one kid would hold his/her breath and the other would grab them around the chest, to the point of lifting the kid of the ground, until the kid passed out. I loved that game! I loved coming out of the unconscious state, the buzzing, the confusion, all that. The psychiatrist asked me what I was going to do get that altered consciousness. I never came up with a satisfactory answer.
So, what do people do to get that?

Funny that you mention that. There's a comedy skit I've heard on XM a few times, in which the comedian uses spinning around in circles to describe different types of people when it comes to any kind of drug. He says there are 3 groups of people. Group A, when spinning around in circles as kids, didn't like the way it made them feel right off the bat and decided that they were never going to do that again. Group B spun around and got dizzy and liked it, so kept doing it until eventually they fell down and threw up. So they realized, "Oh, there are limits! So I'll just spin on the weekends and holidays." Group C spun in circles until they fell down and threw up, then got up and went right back to spinning.

I thought that was a great analogy. With alcohol, I fall into Group C (as I guess most of us do since we're here!!). With everything else, illegal or otherwise, I fall into Group B. At least I am in Group B for something! :H

[Sunnyvalenting]

Well I did it...

Hangin,
I can so relate! These feelings of darkness do temporarily lift with the application of alcohol, however the biggest effect of alcohol is the desire for more. Any relief is exceedingly fleeting.
Best.
Sunny

[hangingoninFL]

Well I did it...

Moglor, I don't know what all AD you have tried but I am currently on Effexor, after being on Zoloft for many years. The Effexor seems to be working better than the Zoloft, and I am probably going to bump up my Effexor dosage once I can quit the alcohol, because my understanding is that at higher dosages Effexor will affect dopamine which I think would help my type of depression.

[ignominous]

Well I did it...

Hangin, Mog
I think you've got to the crux of the problem. All I can say is the best of luck to the 3 of us to get the underlying cause sorted out. And we know that's not going to happen whilst in a drunken haze.

[ignominous]

Well I did it...

In many ways I don't know wher the fuck I am now.
It seems as if life is attempting to sabotage my quest for AF and that I am also trying to accomplish the same thing as evidenced by my increased drinking. I look at the possibility of life after alcohol and Bac high and I see a void that I don't feel ready to handle.

The epiphanies I had about the beauty of life AF, seem so shallow and inane, not based on facts, only on hopes, aspiration and dreams of a lost soul looking for any lifeline to cling to. For now I've got my mission to accomplish but what happens after indifference? I don't know.

One step at a time, I guess.

[Dabhar]

Well I did it...

:lWell said shaan. Many of us here drink to alleviate our depression. It helps for a few hours...for me anyway...in the evenings. But, stabs me in the back and makes it worse ultimately. Being depressed, I believe, has a root...has a real REASON for being there. Many, like me, use alcohol to get away from it. Baclofen may free us from our alcohol dependence and use, but then we are left with just as Ig is experiencing, the VOID. There is no drug, other than alcohol or harder, that can take us sweetly through it. No drug, perhaps, but this is where I think, I believe, I hope, that people can step in to stand by us. This forum may see many of us delivered from alcohol's grasp, but whats left---the people here who truly, deeply care about us---may be our ultimate deliverance.

Thanks for your stimulating comment shann...I'm glad that I was up just now to see it arrive....all the very best to you too. We are here for you too. Take care.:l

[lvb65]

Well I did it...

This is a great thread, every bit of it. Though I feel like an amateur in comparison to the amount of drinking + doses that some of you mention. One thing I can?t comprehend, when forum members write abut combining work with SE ?s. This would have been impossible if I had had to work since taking Bac. Luckily I am a pensionar, so I don?t have to work. I stopped drinking with Bac. after the first 3 days all together. I weigh 105 kg ( 230 pnd ?) so I anticipated going to 270 mg/day Baclofen Lioresal. I titrated up slowly, pretty much according to O. Ameisan?s scheme. I have had worrisome and sometimes intolerable SE?s from early start and forced myself to continue on the road. Once I had to taper down for a week or so at 150 mg/day to 100 mg/day. But then I titrated up agein to 24 0 mg/day. I wrote about my experience that day here elsewhere.
It is great to read on this forum all the SE?s exeperiences by other Guinnee pigs. I really think this forum can be a great source of information to many people with the same sincere wish to rid ourselves of a awful habit. I still don?t kmow if i hit my " switch" and will continue to taper down and see what will happen. It?s great to read that nothin is really lost if you need to go back up again if it didn?t work the first time around. It somehow does not feel so much of a lonely trip anymore. Reading about all the different SE?s that everybody has had at more or less levels, it also does not feel so scary anymore to push on when you think you should.
Congratulations every one and keep us / me on the ball please.


Thanks

LvB