Progress thread for ne

[redhead77]

Progress thread for ne

COS, that is too funny! :H (and maybe too often right).

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Morning, everyone.
I popped out of bed at 3am after 5 hours of sleep. This whole sleep-disruption thing has got to stop. It ain't good, as we all know. So I think I'll head back there in a minute, morning coffee or not. ('cause it might officially be morning, but my upstairs neighbors haven't even gone to bed yet.)

Yep. More later.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

COSGringo;1318167 wrote: A wise man once said, "This too shall pass".

That's what I kept telling myself when I had a kidney stone. That and the percoset helped me through.
I think THAT is funny. I don't need percocet for this particular pain-in-the-foot. It's just life...Right? Stuff happens, it's not even bad, and I'm just rolling with it.

COSGringo;1318232 wrote: I never had any luck with shrinks. The ones I had just wanted to hand me an SSRI and call it a day. Counselors were loons or just wanted to talk about themselves half the time. I think most of them are more mental than their patients.
Hell, that was what I wanted to do when I was in college. Become a psych and get my own practice. Sounded like a gravy job.
The heck with them.

Ok. After some time to reflect, I realize that the psychiatrist was saying that she doesn't prescribe baclofen because, as she pointed out, she doesn't know how to do that. She said, "I think it's a muscle relaxant? Something you would get from your primary care physician. I am not sure why your psychiatrist is prescribing it."

Which is exactly the point, now that I think about it. She didn't ask me why. We never got that far. And the bottom line is that I need a psychiatrist who will be able to figure out a way to see me for a consultation without an intake and evaluation. I also need a psychiatrist who will work with me not at me.
Because while I agree with you, COS, the truth is that these docs have a job to do. They know how to do it with the information they have and I don't. I am tired of treating myself. But the information needs updating, for sure, and I can help with that. I think it's also a good step in terms of getting the idea of baclofen introduced into this part of the world. There is a major veteran's hospital in the area, and I bet they are using it. And there are two medical schools, for goodness sakes. I bet it's around, and being used, and I'm just not looking in the right places. And if it's not, well dammit, I'm going to let people know about it. sheesh.

But I think trust and understanding is the key, and for that I have to have a pdoc that will get to know me. (We all know what happens when they hear the alcoholic thing. Massive shutdown.) The baclofen is a given and non-negotiable for the moment. So I need to find someone who will educate themselves about baclofen and help me deal with the ADHD. Someone who will be willing, after a bit of trust and understanding, to prescribe baclofen.

A couple of things: RedT, it is the being present that I am having the most trouble with in terms of being there for other people. Thank you for that insight.

RedH, I feel like I was really persnickety a couple of posts ago about the whole pDoc thing and maybe in general? I didn't mean to be at all, of course. I wasn't feeling persnickety! I like the term pdoc alot. Better than shrink, which is pejorative (and I'm trying to be open minded and positive) and psychiatrist is too wordy or something. And btw, the awesome hair color that cost me a fortune in time and money? Probably looks like yours now...:H

Got up at 3am this morning after only 5 hours of sleep. I woke with a smile, but know better than to think it's okay to start my day when bartenders are just crawling into bed. (I can gauge how early it is based on whether my upstairs neighbor is still awake. If he is, it's too early!!!)

So while I don't need percocet, I am really glad that I have some medicinal help to see me through this period of anxiety. Sleep is WAY too important to me, and without it, I won't be able to deal with the anxiety. What a conundrum. And wouldn't it be really nice if I could stop making these decisions on my own and actually have a professional who could help? (yes.)

I am VERY excited about my day. The whole day. By myself and without external demands. Doing stuff and thinking things. Yay!
Hope it's a good day for you all, too.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Bad Girls don't leave their cakes out in the rain...

I know there's a lot of heavy thought, some great discussion and compassionate understanding going on around here. I am really moved by much of it. And I'm a little self-conscious about putting the following thought here. (Do I actually have a life? Outside of MWO? Sorta.)

I am going to have a Donna Summer day. (We had a moment here for Gil Scot Heron a while back when he passed away. Why not Donna? :H and to Murph if you stop by.)

I wish I had a wig. I was just about to throw away my plastic-y platform-y disco boots (from a past halloween.) Why not one more use? With my pajamas on, packing.packing.packing.
And maybe some Whitney thrown in. (Did anyone else read the most recent VF article? Whitney Houston and Marilyn Monroe... She tried to pray her way to freedom. Didn't work. That...sucks.)
But back to completely unrelated stuff.
Disco on.

Woop! Or...What'd they say back then? Some of you old people fill me in.

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

Hey lady! I know I rarely post here, but it's like Redhead said, things move so quickly on this thread! I'll just be formulating a repsonse to something, and it's already moved on. And I'm a sporadic poster under the best of circumstances. (Ha! When I first typed that, it came out "sporadic pooter"! Giggle.) That said, I do read and try to keep up with how you're doing.
I wholeheartedly support the idea of speaking at length with a psychiatrist before making any kind of commitment. I'm going to embark on a similar quest soon. I've decided that I'm making enough money to see a therapist, as long as they'll bill me on a sliding scale. A LONG time ago I found one not far from me that does the sliding scale thing, is a woman (don't know why, but I think I'd prefer a woman), and specializes in substance abuse. I have her information somewhere, but never bothered to contact her until I was sure I could afford it. I know she takes a 12 step approach, but, like you, I think maybe if she has an open mind, she could learn something from me. I don't expect us to have luck finding mental professionals who are extremely familliar with baclofen. I do think it's possible for us to find people who are open to the idea of baclofen, and, seeing our success, may spread the word. I think we're in advantageous positions because we've already experienced positive results with bac. I think it would be harder to contact a doctor about starting HDB rather than continuing it.

How's monastic life treating you? Or are you still packing? I missed it, did you get the house you wanted? I know you're moving into a temporary apartment now, but is the house a sure thing?

I hope the cousin situation works out one way or another. I just spent a wonderful afternoon with my cousin who took me in so long ago and her 2 year old daughter. I remain eternally grateful for all she's done for me. The upcoming wedding of my sister has me remembering my cousin's wedding and her absolutley insane choice to make me maid of honor. I had no idea that this title came with any responsibilty beyond showing up for the wedding. I did nothing to help except putting some stamps on a couple of invitations. I showed up for the wedding with no make up, assuming that she'd have time to put it on for me. And I ran out in tears when someone told me that the maid of honor was supposed to give a speech. My then boyfriend was barred from the wedding after finding one of the groomsmen's number in my phone, calling him, and threatening to kill him. Ah...good times.
Anyhow, I'm glad that there are people like you and her in the world!
I didn't intend to come on your thread and talk about myself. Sorry.
Hoping all's well with you!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Still packing. I gave up on the monastic life idea when I realized that I was packing 4 electric kitchen appliances to take with us. (Blender, juicer, mixer and cuisinart.) Not exactly my idea of simplicity. Or anyone else's either! And then there was the wine glass conundrum. It seems inconceivable to have a home without wine glasses! What if someone comes over? So I left out three of them to bring with us. Ed was very confused. We have three friends who might stop by! (They won't. The temporary apartment is on the other side of nowhere!) (EDIT: It's not as though they care about whether or not we have wine glasses anyway. And they don't really care if we have wine! Funny how that still is such a thing for me. I don't know if it's being in the restaurant/wine biz for so long, the alcohol-addiction, or the obvious combination.)

And no, we didn't get the dream house, we withdrew the offer. It still chafes a bit...I wish I'd followed up on it and been thorough and found out exactly what was wrong with it. Instead I took my father's word--that it was not a good idea because it had some structural stuff going on--and we stopped the process. But he does know a lot about that kind of thing. More than most! And even though it felt like it was all lined up and ready to go everything that has happened since has been pretty remarkable.

I'm fantasizing now about a house we've looked at a couple of times. The house is no great thing, in itself. But it hasn't been remodeled, which I really prefer. And it has a HUGE garage. I can actually see myself in that garage, piecing it together drywall sheet by drywall sheet, to make it my very own space. Wow. The idea blows me away. Literally a room of my own.
(Have you read Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek? I've been reading a lot in my three week break from school. I'm loving The Tiger's Wife, but found Annie's book and can't wait to reread it. And yes, she and I are on a first name basis. She just doesn't know it. )

Enough early morning rambling. I was supposed to be at the flower mart at 6am. It's 6:05.

But before I go, I think there is a huge difference to try to get help once one is already well on one's way to being healthy. Oh, the irony. The bitter irony.

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

Bitter irony, indeed. At least right now, it's in our favor.
Is it a possibility that you'll move to the apartment, and just never get some stuff out of boxes? Maybe have every box clearly labeled, and not open it until you need what's in there. I've unintentionally done that with past aparments and haven't gotten completely "unpacked" for the duration of my time there.
As for the wine glasses, maybe you're just a very hospitable hostess.
I'm a big believer in intuition when it comes to choosing a place to live. I think it's key that you're really able to "see" yourself there. I'm sorry the first place didn't work out. I'm sure you're dad was right, but it's still a blow. Does Ed like this other place you're looking at?
I'm not familliar with either of those books, but I'll check them out. Especially your pal Annie's. I just finished a book by Sue Miller that I really enjoyed and am starting one by Anne Packer. Kinda housewifey Oprah's book club type of authors, but they're good, and, more importantly, they're what the Salvation Army was selling.
And I'm sure you have your reasons, but there is no flower in the world beautiful enough to get me to a flower mart at 6 in the goddamned morning. But I respect your fortitude.

[spacebebe01]

Progress thread for ne

Im intrigued by the three wine glasses, its an odd number, do you have 3 friends, or have more friends and they always visit in three's?

I havent been reading much lately, my mum has given me a book tho, Its by Niamh O'Connor, its a detective book I will start it soon. My mum reads a lot and I haven never had to buy a book for years but since I bought her a kindle for christmas I kind of shot myself in the food over my book supplier

Im with Windy, flowers at 6am, my god girl what are you thinking???? Although I cant think of anything that would get me out of bed and dressed before 6am, I get up at 7 to get my son up for school but as soon as hes gone Im back upstairs with a cup of coffee and my laptop. Maybe thats something I should look at changing soon.

Its too bad about the house Ne but I think your right to go with what your dad thinks, this other one tho, can you see yourself in the house or just the garage.

My son had saved up to buy a Blackberry phone so I just took him and the plan was to buy a phone on pay as you go, but the guy started going on about contracts and it seemed like a good idea so I did that, now Im not so sure. Oh well its done now.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Credit...

I started getting up in the early morning when I had bac-induced insomnia. (Well, I didn't really sleep--until I started guarding my sleep and even then...) I figured out that I LOVE waking up at 4am. It gives me several hours before the world starts to turn for everyone else. But I go to bed early, too. I still guard my sleep!

The flower market is a wholesale place and if you don't get there early all the good stuff is sold out. I didn't make it in time, or they just don't have good stuff right now, so I'm going to have to go the usual route. It's my grandmother's 85 birthday this weekend--a family reunion and a big party and I'm doing the decorating and flowers. Super fun for me and a throw back to what I used to do for a living. (Though I just managed that stuff back then. I was an event planner in a resort.)

I'm stuck in a bit of a quandary. I don't pay my medical bills. Well, I pay the ones for which I receive some benefit. But the ones that don't? Screw 'em.

I had a laparoscopy about ten years ago because the doctor thought maybe I had an ectopic pregnancy. I knew that I didn't, for several rational reasons. Long story short, rather then wait, the surgery was on a Friday because the doctor didn't want to have to come in over the weekend. (She told me this.)
Several thousand dollars later she discovered that my reproductive parts were, in her words, "beautifully healthy." I had a miscarriage. I never paid that bill and it is finally off of my credit report.
[RedH, I know that you are thinking! :H Now wait a second! That's serious and could kill you! But the tests showed that my hormone levels were decreasing. Without going into the specifics, the other physical things that indicate a miscarriage--as opposed to an ectopic pregnancy--were there.)

Fast forward: Now I have some outstanding medical bills related to an ER visit when I was titrating up on baclofen. [EDIT: I had panic attacks that were so debilitating I thought I was dying. And I didn't know that is what panic attacks are!] Those people can kiss my ass if they think they are getting a dime from me. (Sorry to be crass.) The doctor was so incredibly dismissive, so belligerently arrogant, that there is no way in hell I'm going to pay it. Never going to happen.

BUT. I need to buy a car. I owe about US$1000. This is a lot of money in my world, but I have it and it will save me more than $1000 by paying it and improving my credit so that I can get a lower interest rate.
The thing is, I'm never going to pay it. It's a matter of principle, not principal.

Do I let my stubborn principles, which benefit no one and make absolutely no difference, cost me many thousands of dollars?
Maybe. I hate those bastards, and I don't need to rid myself of that resentment in order to be well, to recover from my illness, and to move on.
But that is very silly, isn't it? Plus resentment, while not a function of my disease, is still a burden to carry around. And god knows, that doctor doesn't care one way or another. He's probably still reading his Car and Driver magazine while someone is suffering in a hospital ER room. What an asshole.

Maybe I should track him down and tell him off and pay the bill? Then I'd feel better. :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Oh, and Space, it's the garage. :H

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

I think you meant it as a joke, but I think you should pay it off and tell him off! I know the odds are slim that he'd actually change his ways, but I think it would make you feel better. You probably wouldn't get past security with the explanation of "I want to tell the doctor off" (in fact you might get detained at security), but maybe send an email.
What I've realized about myself in the past is that I tended to act either passively or aggressively. Lately, I'm shooting for acting assertively. No one's gonna walk over me, but I'm not going to draw blood either. If I feel I've been wronged, I'm going to address the situation calmly, the offending person with respect, but I'm very firmly going to state my case and make sure I feel heard. Maybe if only for my own peace of mind.
This may be one of those "if only for your peace of mind" situations. But I think sending an email is worth it. Maybe indicate that you'll keep sending emails until Dr. Asshole personally responds.
I also have a medical bill I refuse to pay, but because of principle AND principal. It was when I went to the ER after coming out of a blackout and finding a big lump above my eye. It felt like it was filled with fluid, so I wanted them to drain it. They said they couldn't. Fine, I thought, end of story. But they told me I had to get a CAT scan and an MRI. Now, as wise as this may have been, I knew I couldn't pay for it and told them so. They said I had to. I asked didn't I have the right to refuse? They said that under normal circumstances I would, but since I'd been drinking, they could do whatever they wanted. I was, at this point, not drunk at all, although I'm sure I still reeked of booze. So that's when I tried to escape. They stopped me and threatened to restrain me if I didn't cooperate.
And I refuse to pay the bill. I also don't have the money to pay the bill. If I did, I might not be so righteous about it, but until then, I'm hanging on to my indignation.
As for waking up early, I see the appeal. But getting home as late as I do, it's still a struggle to make myself get to bed before 3 AM. BUT I am getting up after 8 hours. I don't know if it's bac, not drinking, or exercising, but I'm sleeping more solidly than I can ever remember. I always struggled with insomnia, even as a kid. In fact, my first forays into supplements and herbs started with trying to cure my insomnia. I think I was 11 or so. I remember making lavender tea (very delicious, don't know why more people don't drink it) and telling my parents I wanted to get my hands on some hops. I also think it's very telling that my drinking career started with me taking shots of gin and chasing it with hot milk and honey.
But enjoy your quiet, private mornings, Ne. That's my dad's favorite time of day. He makes some coffee, watches the sun rise, and that's when he does all of his Thinking. The meaning of life, chaos theory, the existence of God, and all that kind of stuff. He's ready to be silly, fun dad by the time we all get up.
Sorry to talk too much again.
Hope you've been enjoying this beautiful weather!

[spacebebe01]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1322145 wrote:



Do I let my stubborn principles, which benefit no one and make absolutely no difference, cost me many thousands of dollars?

But that is very silly, isn't it?.

Maybe I should track him down and tell him off and pay the bill? Then I'd feel better. :H

Erm Ne I think you have answered your own questions there, just pay the bill, get your car, then use it to stalk him if you need to

[RedThread12]

Progress thread for ne

Ahhh. . . Ne! I'm hardly ever here anymore, but always check your thread and it pretty much amazes me and cracks me up - we may be sisters from other mother's, or something. You bring up the issue, and bang! it's something I've looked at, dealt with, thought about, and, often, taken the left-hand turn around just a little before you.

I had "catastrophic" health insurance for a long time. $2500 or $5000 deductible, but somehow it seemed necessary just "in case." It also gave me a reasonable co-pay for doctor's office visits, which came in handy. That benefit was listed on my insurance card. The other benefit that was listed, same line, exact same wording, was "Emergency Room Visit $100 co-pay." So a few years, while I was sitting on my porch swing talking on the phone, I laughed and swung too vigorously, and flipped over backward from the swing, slamming my chest and collar bone into the concrete porch.

So I grabbed my insurance card and went to the ER. By then is was middle of the night. (It was there that I began to think that "human" is not a single species, I digress). Finally got an x-ray - collarbone dislocated, a sling, and a prescription for some incredible number of lortabs which I never filled. THEN I got the $1200 bill. WHAT? Turns out the ER co-pay was only effective AFTER the deductible had been fulfilled. So my "insurance" had a clause stating that addiction treatment was not covered, and a blatant misrepresentation of benefits printed right THERE on the insurance card itself.

A couple of years before I had been turned down by BC//BS because my yearly gyno exam said one ovary was larger than the other. THAT kind of freaked me out, so I went back to the doctor, with my sister, fully prepared for something aweful, and she said, "Hmmm . . . how interesting. Now it's the OTHER ovary that seems a bit larger." All of which made getting ANY health insurance, as a self-employed person, next to impossible.

At some point, it began to feel truly immoral to buy health insurance. The whole system is completely, desperately corrupt. One of my early yoga students became and Osteopathic Physician and set up her first practice in association with one of the big name hospitals here in town, had a partner she really liked. Her preferred protocol for most people, and a huge part of her practice, was to educate about and recommend pro-biotics, supplements . . . non-invasive, "natural" tools and skills. And it must have been working, because her practice was way full. HOWEVER, she came to understand that a part of her monthly "evaluation" was based on - get this - how many people she ADMITTED to the hospital. What. Is. Wrong. With. This. Picture? Fortunately, she is setting up her own practice (I've been guiding her with astrology!); I introduced her to a good friend of mine who is a chiropractor with a mind-blowing number of satisfied patients who is going to mentor her.
And now we'll have a D.O. as part of an amazing circle of complementary health care professionals in my home town. She is setting up her practice to accommodate people with no insurance.

I know, I know, it's not possible or way too scary for most people to just say f'it to health insurance. But it was SO out of integrity as a place to put money. For what I DON'T pay to the "system," I can pay for treatment from amazing "out of the box" healers (which is where I eventually went to have my collar-bone restored. T(ook a while, but absolutely no limitations, even with extreme yoga), and can afford to go to India to take extensive yearly blood-work and full physicals at the hospital. Even had an umbilical hernia repaired there a couple of years ago. Seems like it cost $300.

All of this is, I guess, just to say I so "get" you about the medical bills. It was the charge from the ER, and the duplicity of the insurance company that gave me the final kick in the pants to stop doing something that just seemed (and still seems) so wrong. Yes, it affected my credit score, so if buying a house is a priority (and pm me about that one if you're in a quandary. I have lots to say about it, having been a home-slave . . . I mean owner . . . since 1995) you might have to bite this bullet to make that possible. THEN quit paying your medical bills. Or not.

I just know that they HAVE to treat me for emergency conditions, and if I were to contract a chronic illness of some kind I would never enter the U.S. health care system. If complementary medicine, diet, etc (yes, I've been to the raw foods place and know people who have cleared themselves of cancer via that mode), wasn't working, I would go to India for my health care. I'm actually leaving tomorrow to spend some time studying with a brilliant surgeon from India. Chief of Surgery at one of India's largest hospital, in fact. But no, I'm not going to study surgery. He's also a brilliant "jyotishi" - astrologer, and that's what he's teaching for a week. A lot of his formal work is done around medical astrology, which is a-stounding, but he, and some other advanced jyotishis from India are teaching on a variety of topics that will all be very useful for my professional work.

I consider myself very fortunate. I have access to and full trust in a multitude of options for medical care outside of the conventional one here in the U.S. Without all of that, I would probably still be hanging on to some kind of health insurance, not because it has ever paid a dime for anything that i need, but purely out of fear. Which, IMO, is exactly where the medical/pharma/industrial complex wants us. If the day comes that I am legally obligated to buy medical insurance, it will be a very, very interesting day.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

spacebebe01;1321801 wrote: Im intrigued by the three wine glasses, its an odd number, do you have 3 friends, or have more friends and they always visit in three's?


Three friends. And three relatives. They might visit and want a glass of wine. Doubt it. But I'd hate to have to serve it in a coffee mug. (That's how I used to drink at work, btw. From a coffee mug. I worked in a restaurant. I was..."management" and that's definitely a perk of the position. Then one day the owner had a staff meeting and said something snarky about anyone who drinks out of a coffee mug has a problem. "Just use a glass!" So I did. Still drank, of course, but out of fine crystal. :H omg, those days sucked.

I couldn't read for a long while, Space. I don't really know why because it's always been my outlet/inlet. My everything really. It has been really nice to delve into some books this summer, though. Really nice.

windycitylady;1322861 wrote: I think you meant it as a joke, but I think you should pay it off and tell him off! I know the odds are slim that he'd actually change his ways, but I think it would make you feel better.
...
What I've realized about myself in the past is that I tended to act either passively or aggressively. Lately, I'm shooting for acting assertively.

I wasn't really joking. But I'm gonna pay it. And I can think of much better ways to work the solution then by telling off a doc from two years ago, because your next point is well taken. (But I do kind of like your idea a bit. There is a need for direct face to face action in this disease, don't you think? Not many of us willing to stand up and shout...Whether it's shame or that personal inventory we're supposed to be taking daily...)
Assertiveness is such a difficult balance to find. And one of the few character traits that I relate directly to being addicted to alcohol for so long. I was always in the position of reacting defensively, or ridiculously offensively. (In both senses of that word.) Because I couldn't navigate life. I was always behind or trying to circumvent getting behind.
I still like and embrace getting mad. It challenges me to be productively assertive. My therapist just nods her head and she's pointed out that it seems to work for me... :H The mindfulness-practicing part of her must be shaking it's head, wondering when I'm going to get it, but we're just going with the flow in the meantime. (Wait a sec. That's mindfulness. Whatever. )

Which brings me to you, RedT. Oh, sister. :h

I could go on for hours. About just the revelations today. (Can I first point out that I am a pragmatist. Money. Insurance. All of those practical things are VERY important to me. Much more so now than ever before.) (And I don't believe in Hooey. Not even Buddhist hooey. Or supplements. Or any of that stuff. UNTIL it smacks me in the face, or lands me on my ass, or just pops up as a little light bulb with a friendly smile. So I take my vitamins and the L-glut and sometimes put my butt on a cushion or find a downward dog. It works. It's so simple it's silly, and still so hard to actually friggin' do.)
Anyway. Life rolls on. I'm packing still, and moving on into this delicious new phase about which I no longer have any fear. (Where'd it go???) And WOW!
I've dropped my classes for the summer so I can focus on what needs to be focused on right now. I lost sight of that. The time I've spent alone, literally wrapping up my life in this phase, has given me a glimpse into what this summer is supposed to be about...And not a moment too late, of course. EDIT: This is too brief an explanation of why I felt compelled to respond to your post, but it will have to do for right now. But let's catch up soon. Before India!

And windy, as to the assertiveness thing, I've figured out that if I ask for what I need I get it. Learning how to do that nicely is a struggle sometimes. But it always, always, always works. It is so weird. Really. Bizarre. But true so far.
I think I will practice asking nicely next. Thanks for that. :l

Thanks, too, for your words and thoughts, my friends. It's sometimes part of what gets the juices flowing.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

That might have sounded like I was calling Buddhism/mindfulness/thoughtfulness and/or a personal inventory hooey.
The truth is that they are so practical and rational that they are (individually and collectively) inherently...truth.
Just needed to clear that up for my own clarity. :H
I'm very grateful for the teachers I've got.