Progress thread for ne

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

Baclofan, we're taking a little poetic license with the phrase "against one's will." Yes, ultimately I did will my hand to pick up the drink. But there is a difference. My conscious brain will have told me all day long that I don't want to drink anymore. I will understand that alcohol is destroying my life. The REAL ME does not want to drink because I know the consequences. But my animal brain, my primitive beast brain, is telling me that I must. That if I don't take that drink and many more after that terrible things will happen. The urgency is more powerful than the deisre for food, sex, sleep...anything. I feel like if I don't take that drink, I will die.
These days (almost 5 months sober on LDB), I want to drink. I think about drinking when I'm out to eat, when I'm on the beach, when I'm watching TV. But my conscious brain says, No, I don't want to deal with the consequences of drinking. And my beast brain is silent. I make the decision whether or not to drink, not that primitive part of my brain.
That, to me, is no longer drinking against my will.
Ne, love the restaurant story! :H As usual, I relate to and LOVE everything that you write. Oh, the damage I could do with $400 of booze, a tiny dress, and high high heels!
I actually found MWO a couple of years before bac was around. I had bought "7 Weeks to Sobriety" and was researching supplements for alcoholism. Nothing really helped, but I'd check in every year or two to see if anything new was around. It's like Dr. A said in an interview I read. He didn't want to die of his disease the day before they found the cure. When I came back last year, baclofen was the rage. The rest is history.
:l

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

Oh, and Stuck, I love your baclofen/MWO blackout story too! It's funny when we do productive things under such circumstances. I used to write notes to myself while drunk, trying to tell the "tomorrow me" that I still wasn't happy, even while drunk. The one that I've kept says (barely legibly) "Tell me to tell you that it's never enough." (I'm both the "me" and the "you".)
I think about that when I want to drink. No matter how much booze I have, it will never be enough.

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

WCL,

I have a giant corkboard above my desk. It's full of mostly rejection letters for stories I've sent out, but also clippings of things I'm interested in and random stuff. There's a post-it that I must have put up there 6 or so years ago, and in my handwriting it says "Another is NOT THE ANSWER"

Over the course of those years, and at least 2 moves, I have made sure that post-it doesn't leave the corkboard. And most of the productive things I've ever done I don't remember, sadly...

Not many people read "textsfromlastnight.com" and fewer should, but I remember one particularly funny one. This woman texted her friend, saying she got to work and found a water bottle full of bloody mary in her purse. Her takeaway was that "blacked-out me is always trying to take care of hungover me, it's so cute." To her mind this was a good, funny thing. To us it seems like our own horror film.

Sorry for seeming again to derail a thread. I had something else to say about some stuff here, but not right now and not here. How are ya' NE?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

baclofan;1350442 wrote: Semantics, semantics...no will while taking shower...'only a few hours later as the sun finally starts sinking'...so is the will ?

So I'd assume the moment you drank it wasn't against your will anymore...
I get your point, baclofan. Here's the thing: Taking a shower doesn't HAVE to happen. In fact, on some really bad days it was all I could do to get myself in there! (And now that I'm home studying almost everyday, I find that I forget to do it! :H)

The short answer is this: How many times do you have to touch a hot stove before you stop doing it? If you keep doing it, then you have to figure there is something really wrong in your brain, right?
The burns, blisters and scars were all over me, and still I kept reaching for the damn stove.

Drinking against my will had a lot to do with the white hot poker in my belly. God forbid I had to stay late at work! Or that something else got in between me and that first drink of the day. Because while I spent most days relatively oblivious to the fact that I was going to be in the grip of that compulsion again, when it started I started to make decisions based on that alone.
I used to spend the weekend with family (where I couldn't drink) and even without knowing it eagerly anticipate the moment I left. I almost always stopped at the first convenience store on the way home and bought a six pack for the two hour trip home. While I have in my mind that I never indulged in drinking while driving, I usually did that once a month or so.
I distinctly remember a rainy miserable January night when I ran a red light, cut through a fast food parking lot, and finally gave in to the white hot need and picked up some beer at a 7-11 about three blocks from my apartment. All because I had to stay at work for a couple of extra hours. And I was on HDB!
On another occasion I had to stay with a friend for a night because she needed someone to stay with her and her family during a hurricane. She opened a bottle of wine for dinner, and I knew I couldn't have even a glass, because I didn't bring a secret stash, and if the compulsion kicked in I would drink the whole bottle--and more!--after everyone went to bed.
What's more, in the entire rest of my life there was evidence that I have a very strong will. That I am courageous. That I will do things I don't want to when I don't want to do them. Or that I could make the right decisions in order to get done what I needed or wanted to. I could not, for the life of me (literally), stop drinking for any length of time, without being completely feckin' miserable.

That's all anecdotal, though. The science shows (in MRIs and other fancy gadgets) that our brain synapses change when we start to crave. It is absolute fact that craving is a physical reaction that results in systemic changes in our bodies. What's more, they can induce it in laboratories. It took me a really long time to find and then ingest that information.

What really convinced me that we drink against our will is that there is an entire breed of rats that will drink alcohol rather than water. Until they die.
If they don't taste the booze they don't (obviously) have the compulsion. But once they do, they will literally drink themselves to death. I can relate.



windycitylady;1350473 wrote: "Tell me to tell you that it's never enough." (I'm both the "me" and the "you".)
I think about that when I want to drink. No matter how much booze I have, it will never be enough.

Oh, WCL! I've missed you god dammit. Great story. Breaks my heart, too. And yeah, the dinner was pretty funny now that I think about it. omg, what a cluster fuck that whole week was. We followed up the dinner with a plan to hike the Appalachian Trail for five days. Without booze. We hiked about six miles the first day, hungover and freezing our asses off, passed a couple of piles of still steaming bear poop on the trail, before we settled down in a shelter for the night. We spent the night wide awake, completely terrified that a cuddly looking black bear was going to get inquisitive about the jar of peanut butter our shelter-mate had in her backpack. (She was a 60++ year old woman hiking the AT from beginning to end, and had no fear of said black bears. Or raccoons. Or even the mice that were apparently all over the shelter, based on the mouse poop!)
Needless to say, we hitchhiked back to our truck in the morning. The best part of the whole experience was the diner we stopped at on the way home for a cold $3 beer and a sandwich. I'll take that over a schmancy French wine and some foie gras any day. (Okay, Not really. I do love the goose liver, just so long as I'm not thinking about it.)

StuckinLA;1350490 wrote: WCL,

"Another is NOT THE ANSWER"

The punchline of one of my father's favorite jokes is, "I don't know what the question is, but booze is the answer." :H and :upset:

I am well, LA. Still struggling with the general malaise. Still pissed off that we bought a house in the 'burbs. I am going to try very hard (again) to live in this moment and be beyond thrilled about today. Because, dammit, there are oodles of reasons to be thrilled and not very many to be feeling blechy about.

There isn't really such a thing as a derail when it's a discussion.

[gratitude]

Progress thread for ne

hi Ne,
thanks for the slap on the bac. 5 years went by in 5days it seems. life keeps getting better, eh?
no thread yet. i'll wait until i contact dr L and try low dose for anxiety/ panic attacks. then a thread i think. i've been doing binaural beat meditation ( which is the shizzle) , exercising my ass off (literally), AA (when i can stand it-which is not the way you're supposed to do it), and just not drinking(willpower). i have so much shit coming up from the meditation that i need to get bac in therapy for sure.
anyway, just wanted to say "whatssssuuuuppp". and i love saying hi ne. get it? hi-ne? hahahaha
grat

[ifulovelife2]

Progress thread for ne

A strange thing keeps happening to me. I find myself signing onto MWO and randomly hitting on threads that are in some way relevant to me or need my input. Yesterday, I viewed StuckinLA's thread for the first time and my eyes fell upon a quote from me from about 18 months ago. Today I open this thread and find:

Ne/Neva Eva;1350530 wrote: I get your point, baclofan. Here's the thing: Taking a shower doesn't HAVE to happen.

Now, I haven't read around this and I don't know the context in which it was written, however, that's irrelevant because taking a shower DOES HAVE TO HAPPEN, goddammit.

I will be revisiting StcukinLA's thread cos he's a good writer and a funny guy. But I shall probably be avoiding this one in future, ya stinky gal, ya!:H

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

:blush:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

gratitude;1350679 wrote: ... binaural beat meditation ( which is the shizzle) , exercising my ass off (literally), AA (when i can stand it-which is not the way you're supposed to do it), and just not drinking(willpower). i have so much shit coming up from the meditation that i need to get bac in therapy for sure.
anyway, just wanted to say "whatssssuuuuppp". and i love saying hi ne. get it? hi-ne? hahahaha
grat
HA! I get it! That is one combination that I swear I hadn't heard and hadn't occurred to me. hahaha
Binaural meditation sounds cool. I want to try it! Tell me more! (See, this is why a thread would be useful, my friend, then I could grill you with dozens of questions...)
It does keep getting better and better, doesn't it. Sobriety is a bit crazy that way. :H as opposed to the other way when it just kept getting worser and worser.

I used to worried about (literally) exercising my ass (and other girly parts) off. Now that I'm not actually exercising with regularity I've found it wasn't that my ass was disappearing, it had just moved around and ended up in a much prettier place. And that if i could go braless when it's a hundred degrees outside, I'd exercise to that point! But that doesn't seem like it's ever going to happen, either. Thank goodness for good "foundation garments." Not that you have to worry about that. But I'm sure your ass is pretty.

ifulovelife2;1351168 wrote: ...I viewed StuckinLA's thread for the first time and my eyes fell upon a quote from me from about 18 months ago. Today I open this thread and find:
...
Now, I haven't read around this and I don't know the context in which it was written, however, that's irrelevant because taking a shower DOES HAVE TO HAPPEN, goddammit.

Dude, I quote you completely out of context, put words in your mouth and basically use you and your thread to make my points ALL THE TIME. It might be in your best interest to visit and make sure I'm not feckin' it all up. just sayin

Even dirty I smell better now then I ever did bac in the day when booze oozed out of my ears and my pores. (egad. The smell! How did I ever live like that and why didn't other people notice???)

So. I watched a bit of Batman last night with Ed before bed. The one with Christian whatshisname and Liam Neeson. (I'm old enough that Christian whatshisname does nothing for me, but Liam is HOT. anyway...)
There's this scene where the two of them are in a dojo/temple and Batman inhales some smoke because Liam wants him all discombobulated so he can face his irrational fears. And I thought, "That's IT! That's what this is all about!"

And then I realized that is complete bull sh*t. That is not at all what taking baclofen to get free of addiction is about. In fact, it's the opposite of that. Don't get me wrong, we all have to do a bit of that, right? For instance, the fear of being sober. We kinda gotta get over that one, because no drug is going to help us maintain contented sobriety. (I firmly believe, though others find this arguable, that if one--almost anyone--takes enough baclofen for long enough, one will stop wanting to drink.) But the point is that facing fears and dealing with life is something one can do, and much more effectively and efficiently, AFTER one stops drinking against one's will.
In the meantime, focusing on just that one goal is more than enough. At least it was for my mind! WAY more than enough!!! :H
(And when I was ready, when I got to the point where a life free of booze wasn't completely effin' terrifying, THEN I decided to face all of my irrational fears and get the show on the road. Life has never been better. [I've embraced almost every Nike ad ever made--No Fear. Just Do It. lame, I know. But the mantras work for me.]) (I know that can't be right, but something like that, LA?)

Hang in there peeps. The best is yet to come!

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

The formatting is perfect but No Fear isn't one of Nike's slogans and

It's remarkable what the Just Do It campaign did. The creators of it have a section in the documentary Art & Copy. It's pretty cool.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

hmmm. Maybe it's from channeling MnM? hmmm. Nope. That's Not Afraid. And I use that one ALL THE TIME. probably six or seven times a minute. Scary spider? NOT Afraid!! Red lights behind my car? Not Afraid! Okay, a little afraid since my speedometer refuses to get with the program and stay below the speed limit.

What is No Fear from?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Actually, I think it was from a conversation I had with FDR. He's a mentor.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

oh my. how embarrassing. :H

From Wiki:

No Fear began distributing a No Fear Energy drink through partnership with SoBe. Flavors and versions currently consist of:
Original (grapefruit)
Sugar Free
Motherload (berry)
Bloodshot (orange/dragonfruit)
No Fear is the official energy drink of the World Extreme Cagefighting, and sponsors fighter Urijah Faber.[3]
In Europe they are making a different variety called Extreme Energy in partnership with UK based Aimia Foods.
[edit]

A soda. And a sponsor of cagefighting! nice...

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

Ha. Energy drinks are good for some things, apparently!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

StuckinLA;1351833 wrote: Ha. Energy drinks are good for some things, apparently!

yeah. At least the slogan stuck. I have to say that I think back in the day (when you were a toddler! ) it was a cool thing. Whatever. The sentiment works and now it's mine!

On our evening walk with The Goose last night Ed kept "bumping" me into walls. I was staring at my phone (annoying!) and he would nudge me off balance and then ask me if I was ok...(It's a silly game.)
As we were getting into the elevator I was suddenly struck with the vision of the last time I had to pick Ed up off of the floor and help him to bed. I was newly indifferent. He was still drinking against his will and unwilling to try baclofen. (He told me he didn't want to stop drinking! He liked drinking! ugh. It was terrrrrrrible.)
I was indescribably sad that night, certain that our marriage was over, and heart broken that he could or would not find a way out of that hell.
Last night, and even now, I am awash with sorrow again. All those nights! All that wasted time, expended energy...the bumps and bruises, and the associated shame and humiliation.

I hope if you or someone you love is still in that hell, you'll keep fighting to get out. There is a way! And IT IS SO WORTH IT. (And please don't lose hope. It can happen for everyone of us. Hope matters.)

Sorry to get all preachified and sappy. I'm a sucker for the underdog, and we are that in so many ways.

Hope it's a good day, peeps!
:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I am also so grateful that he decided to try baclofen. That he saw it through and found his way out. And then we got to fall in love for real.
Is there a more beautiful love story?

And I owe it here. To 'anonymous strangers.' thank you.