Progress thread for ne

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

I'll be back tomorrow, but just wanted to say.... Ne, you're so rad.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks, WCL. You have no idea how relieved I am to get that message. I was feeling very self-conscious about the last post and...Well, oy. so thank you.

I had my first really profound, effed up, disconcerting and beautiful therapy appointment yesterday. While I am very glad that I'm in therapy, and really love my therapist, our sessions together haven't been mind-altering yet. I knew it was coming, or would come eventually, because that is really the point. I'm very grateful I have validation for my 'normalcy' (such as it is! :H) and her insights, but I am really looking to get to the heart of the matter. The psychological equivalent of what baclofen did for my brain chemistry. ***
I don't believe that I need to excavate and extricate. (Even the scientific research shows that crap doesn't work. Don't get me started about that whole line of thinking. Anyone who has tried to do a step 4 will know what I'm talking about. Talk about PTSD! And I'm only being a bit exaggerationist.)

When I told her that, with tears streaming down my face and soaking my t-shirt, she shook her head emphatically NO. Then she cupped her hand in a scoop and said that we can't remove anything, it's all a part of us. We just need to scoop it up and embrace it. God I love her.
And feel quite sure that in a month or two I'm going to hate her, too. 'cause while I felt immense relief and gratitude, I also had an almost visceral reaction that was kind of like "UH-OH. Here we go!!!"
That's the way good therapy works...I'm pretty sure.

It only took a year! The fact that I've been seeing her for a year, have paid her on time and not been late and only missed one appointment (this month over the holiday) is fecking amazing. Outrageous. Unheard of. And I'm kinda scared (again, dammit) but I'm pretty sure I got this, too.

I had to put it down here, so I can remember to have the strength and peace I need if it gets ugly.

Peace out peeps. xo

***This does not mean, in any way, that I believe that I drank alcoholically because there is something psychologically wrong with me. Nope. Not a damn thing wrong with me related to that that the right medication can't fix. (it did.) BUT most of the 'normal' people I know could benefit from a good therapist, or maybe even a knock upside the head--from me! And I've got a literal lifetime of shame and humiliation and bad thoughts to disregard. Plus, I have NO IDEA what normal looks like, because I've been drinking against my will since I was 14. My therapist, Beth, said it's like I was kidnapped at that point. And she's right. I was a normal girl--just a kid--when I had my first drink. And I'm pretty sure that was the last drink I had a real choice about. All the rest of them were there to feed the beast. Talk about PTSD, for real! feck, it's amazing how well we cope, isn't it? After years of being held hostage....

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

Damn you, Ne, and your uncanny ability to make me cry. Though I'll be the first to admit that it isn't hard these days.
First, the noncrying stuff:
-Since starting to exercise I've gone down to a goddamned A cup. No fair.
-You know I love any mention of Eminem. "Going Through Changes" and "Beautiful" ("don't let em say you ain't beautiful/they can all get fucked /just stay true to you") inspire me like "Not Afraid". I know "Relapse" wasn't that good of an album, but he got sober at and mentions by name the treatment center in which I spent a significant portion of my early 20's. And it makes me happy.
-Before I came across your guys' slogan conversation, I was thinking of a favorite line of mine from the novel "Assault on Tony's": "Time to carpe the fucking diem!" Kind of fits, right?
Now. The crying stuff.
You're right, there's a sadness to sobriety. I'm finally able to really realize what a wreck I've made of my life. So many years wasted! I feel like I went to sleep and woke up 15 years later. I can't remember huge chunks of that time. Bumps and bruises? Yes, but also lacerations, burns, sprains, breaks. My eyes are asymetrical from a lump on the bone above my eye that I somehow got in a blackout.
And your comment about being kidnapped. Jeez, that took my breath away. That's exactly how it feels. I was looking through old stuff from high school when I was home. It was half school work and half "school work" from Hazelden, where I was in their super intense adolescent program (AKA brainwashing). I guess I've gotten so used to thinking of myself as loser these last couple of years that I forgot who I was then. I was a super competitive student, in love with math and physics, taking 18 credit hours in the honor's program of a prestigous university. On a goddamned scholarship no less. Thing is, I was already sick then. Already gone. Already a shell. Who the hell am I? My dad said recently that it's nice to have me back. I said, Dad, there never was a "me" to come back. He said, That occured to me. I should have said that's it's nice getting to know you.
The Hazelden stuff was interesting. I approached it as I approached my school work. I was very thorough. I do think I was writing what they wanted to hear, so I can't take it all seriously. But some of my insights startle me. I knew THEN that I used relationships like I did alcohol and drugs? That I sought out abusive and controlling people? But that was before any of the REALLY bad stuff happened! There were other things too, but anyhow...
The thing about Ed. Picking him up off of the floor. God. I'm trying, Ne, with the BF. I really am. In one of what feels like the billion talks we've had recently, I said to him, I just don't understand what you're fighting so hard to keep. What the fuck is so great about your life now that you don't want to change? That you're willing to lose me? He didn't (couldn't?) answer.

Of course I feel now like I haven't said what I want to to you. I've screwed it all up, it's going to sound like nonsense. But it'll have to do for now.
Short story is, what you write always speaks to me in a profound way. Waves of words and feelings wash over me, and I can never quite get it right.
I'm so happy for your continued success! I'm happy for your "mini-breakthrough" in therapy! Thank you for writing, and thank you for listening! :l
You really are very rad.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Gratuitous eff bombs. sorry. sorta.

When I woke up after having made the decision to not drink the night before (my "switch" such as it was) I was free. Really just free. Not just the booze, but of all that crap I've been lugging around.
Part of it was defiance. "Don't fucking tell me what I can't do anymore."
Part of it was the dawning realization that I'd been captive to something I couldn't control. Against all odds a simple little pill freed me. So "Don't fucking tell me I have to feel badly about who I am anymore."
Mostly it was, "WOOOfuckingHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I get to do anything and everything I want now! woop! holla! and cool, daddio. BRING IT ON!!!" There was disco, and every rock anthem, and even the theme song for Chariots of Fire in there. But mostly eminem. God I love that sick ugly misogynist knucklehead's words.

(And this is for you, WCL. I was listening to Slim Shady and thinking "This is NOT good, Ne. bad. bad juju, bad vibes, just not the zen you're looking for!" and then I told myself to shut the fuck up and I started white-middle-aged-chick rapping along as I was walking my dog along the lake, nodding to the old people I passed and trying not to grin too loudly. "Hi, Mrs. McGillicutty! Yes, it's a hot one! Stay cool." And in the meantime what I'm hearing is "F the whatever" and "I'm going to stick my d* in your ear" or something... and omg that was fun.)

Feck. I gotta go. This Slim-Shady-listening, yoga-pants wearing, middle aged chick is going to be late for the fire sale at the Fabric Hut. Which starts at 6am. And lemme tell you, I'm not sure how I feel about being there with...all the other middle aged women. But damn sure I'll be channeling a little Slim Shady, just so I can feel a bit better about the whole thing.

[gratitude]

Progress thread for ne

ne,
how did you get to be so damn honest in your writing? and whatever happened to your idea of being a writer? you have a great voice and i think there is a book,short story,screenplay in there somewhere.
p.s. do you have a sister?
grat.

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

Ne, I realized that I was singing along to the Leonard Cohen on my headphones as I was going down the stairs of my building the other day. No problem, right? Except the lyrics were "Gimme crack and anal sex." I don't THINK any of the neighbors heard me...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Grat, Thanks, my friend! The writing thing comes and goes...Mostly ends up here! We'll see. I'm very grateful that I didn't write about all this when I felt like it was urgent that I do so. I know so much more now! And I've mellowed just a tiny little bit. Just a wee bit. Not so much that I don't love the word fuck almost as much as I love the word love...
And no, I don't have a sister. But I do have a very naughty twin.

WCL, that was a lol. Can't wait to pull up the song. My goal is to get away with not wearing a bra to yoga, but still needing one for anything aerobic! Rock on, however it looks. 'cause it's damn sure better than blaaah. And blech. And bloated. I look better (by all accounts and even my own, despite my American woman angst!) than I ever have. No shock there, given that I've never not been a drunk before! And yes, the time thing still hurts sometimes. (Did I tell you peeps that the cutoff for getting fertility treatments is 42? Yep. At that point they have determined that my body is really not going to work in the best interest for both producing and continuing a pregnancy. That is something I feel necessary to crush myself with occasionally. The therapist says it's understandable to mourn that. And it is. But what's the point? And really, I'm not sure that we would even WANT to do that at this point. Which is why I'm still using birth control.)
I quit trying with him, Windy. It wasn't up to me. I was making plans to leave, or actually to get him gone. He still doesn't know the extent to which he was on his way out the door. But I was clear that it had to start and end with him and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. More importantly, I loved him, even then, of course. But I wouldn't (couldn't) go to any lengths for him. And damned if I'm going down with a sinking ship. Even now. Me first. Even the Buddhist monks are clear about that one. I put on my own oxygen mask, my own life vest, find the way out, FIRST.
I'm currently working on not running from the angry bear. (really? How is that possible? But I know my dog chases moving targets...There IS a reason prey animals get perfectly still. Seems stupid, but when you're threatened in some way, it makes some weird sort of sense to hold your ground. Who knew?) Life lessons from Ne. :H sorry. It's the way my mind works, what're you going to do? And I'd much rather read National Geographic than another self help book.

Huge :l of support to you. It sucks.

I had 700 things I went to bed thinking about putting on here this morning, and woke up to the knowledge that I have 700 things I need to do to be okay today. So I'm outta here!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

There was a thread here yesterday about a new forum. What happened to it? Did anyone check it out? What am I missing???

[spacebebe01]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Ne, after going awol for a little bit Im now back and reading and posting as much as ever today but cant manage to read back throught all the threads so Im not totally sure how you are, I should have looked before I started typing this but I will just say that I hope you are well.

And also what is this new forum??? Im panicking now in case I miss out on something good

You are an inspiration and a star*

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I went to buy a table off of Craigslist yesterday. Teak. 1950s. Gorgeous! I have been salivating over this table for a week or more.

When I got there, what she showed me was a "pecan colored", laminated wood, 1970s dining room set. The very thought of it in my own space makes me shudder.

And that ruined my whole life. I was suddenly and inexplicably in a place of abject misery thinking that I could not ever get what I wanted. That the house we are buying is a terrible, terrible choice. That I won't make it into nursing school, and certainly won't finish.

I drove home in miserable bumper-to-bumper traffic, growing angrier and more agitated, thinking of all of the times when I didn't get what I thought I needed. What's worse is that I kept repeating to myself all of the things I'd made bad decisions about, and the fact that this situation--the table, the house, the traffic, was my payback.

I got home and went to bed.

When I got up after about 20 minutes, I poured myself a glass of wine. While in the kitchen I was thinking about three friends who are all struggling with the same thing: Fear. Not of tomorrow, but of the day after tomorrow.

I found Ed and told him about them. "How foolish! How short sighted! They don't know, yet, that we always get what we need and really everything we want! I hope they find that out because the alternative is a really lousy way to live!!!" I said. Out loud. Before it hit me.

WHAM. Living for the day after tomorrow is a really lousy way to get on with things. Not because of any buddhist notion of living in the moment. (Though there is that.) But because when I do that, it is not usually coupled with sunshine-y thoughts of how much fun it will be. Generally it's, "oh, fuck! What'm I going to do! I screwed up! I won't be ready! I CAN'T DO IT/HANDLE IT/make it work."

Well, I'm here to tell me. That's just bull shit. I know what I'm going to do, didn't screw up anything that can't be fixed, I WILL be ready, and absolutely CAN.

So can you.

Space, it's nice to see you back on the boards, my friend! Thanks for stopping by! :l

[TexasAg]

Progress thread for ne

Ne,

Sorry about your table, Craig’s list should allow at least a slap with a pool noodle for people that false advertise.

BTW, I was reading back a few posts and I'm with WCL, the comment of being kidnapped hits home. I’m not where you’re at freedom-wise but in my moments of clarity, I feel like my evil twin has stolen so much time…

I’m inspired by your living for the day comments. I’m not there, heck I ‘m stressing right now over something that’s I “think” is gonna happen in a few weeks, but I’m looking forward to being able to call bullshit on myself.

Thanks again for being Ne!
Cheers!

Day 10 on Bac
AF - 7/19/12
BF (binge free) – 7/16/12

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

TexasAg;1354133 wrote: I’m not where you’re at freedom-wise but in my moments of clarity, I feel like my evil twin has stolen so much time…

I am completely and totally free, Tag.

The only thing I need to remind myself is that fear is a waste of time and energy. Fear binds and enslaves and distorts. The fact that I forget this truth annoys and frustrates me more than any other single thing in my life.

But this is a human condition. It is completely unrelated to whether or not I am free of my lifelong addiction to booze. I am totally free of addiction to booze. And soon to be free from my addiction to nicotine. And all I had to do was take a pill. Well. A LOT of pills. :H

Your disease is on the way out. There is no part of you, not one, that is evil. The disease is...the worst fucking thing ever. But that doesn't mean it's evil either. (But I still feel like it is. And I hate, hate HATE it with every breath. Maybe someday I'll get over that. But I doubt it. )

My naughty twin isn't evil. She's fun.

Cheers to continued moments of clarity! I wish for all of us that they string together into something cohesive and not quite so fleeting! (Myself most of all! No offense. )

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

TexasAg;1354133 wrote:
Thanks again for being Ne!
It's the only me I know how to be! Thanks for the appreciation.

Ne/Neva Eva;1354140 wrote: blah, blah, blah...
There is no part of you, not one, that is evil.
More blah, blah, blah...

In retrospect I thought that statement (and what came before and after) sounded kind of trite. While it's true, of course, it's not how we (I) feel (felt) a bunch of the time. I remember thinking, very distinctly, that I would cut out that part (the "bad" part) with a scalpel, even if it meant that I was a blubbering idiot for the rest of my life. You know? Just get it OUT dammit.

But I don't feel like that anymore. Even when I'm delving into the painful stuff about my own behavior, or things that happened to me that were beyond my control and really difficult. Or crazy making! God. Teenage boys, even the nice enough ones, are assholes sometimes. It is such a shame that we sort of define our interpersonal/romantic/sexual relationships based on these first experiences. (I try not to hold it against teenagers today that teenagers in general are complete knuckleheads. Reason #678 not to have kids! and :H)
Add to it that I was a real mess and inconsiderate and sometimes really awful to people for many, many years. But if I can get over all that, then I can get over how badly I felt about me. Right? So far so good...

It seems that whatever it was that happened this summer (my general malaise--which likely had as much to do with lack of exercise and absolutely no deadlines) is over! I'm waking with bells on and may have even found my sense of humor again! (Not that you'll notice. I'm just not that funny. ) woop!

The sun is rising and it is STUNNING. I am very grateful to be awake and present to see it!

On that note, I'm going to try (again!) to spend less time on my computer in preparation for the demanding near-future, so though I'll be around it won't be with the same intensity. (You can stop smiling. I cannot stay gone long. So don't get your hopes up!)

Hope for a good sober-ish day and strength in the fight to you all! xo peeps!

[ifulovelife2]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1354102 wrote:
When I got up after about 20 minutes, I poured myself a glass of wine. While in the kitchen I was thinking about three friends who are all struggling with the same thing: Fear. Not of tomorrow, but of the day after tomorrow.

I found Ed and told him about them. "How foolish! How short sighted! They don't know, yet, that we always get what we need and really everything we want! I hope they find that out because the alternative is a really lousy way to live!!!" I said. Out loud. Before it hit me.

WHAM. Living for the day after tomorrow is a really lousy way to get on with things. :l

Pah! Fancy worrying about the future. Fancy worrying about very real (to them) concerns about imminent shit. What a bunch of pussies! (Can I say "pussies"? I mean, I know I can say 'pussies', I just pronounce it "the French" but can I write that word on this forum or is it too offensive for the average American? Like "liberal"?).

OK, OK, I'm one of those 'pussies'. I get what you're saying: live in the moment, you get what you ask for and "blah blah blah" (to quote from one of your earlier posts) and I'm trying to do that, except if the Law of Attraction really is operating and the Universe bases my future goodies on my present, then I'm going to be on the verge of hyperventilation for the rest of my life.

Right then Murph old boy, time to give yourself a good slap round the chops, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and visualise a mighty fine tomorrow while enjoying the now (despite the fact that this hotel room seems to have fleas) and most of all stop being so French.

Luvya Ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Dude. If I wanted to call you a candy ass sissy boy I would have done it when we talked. And fuck bootstraps. Haven't found a use for them yet.

I think, my dear friend Murph, I was calling myself an idiot.

Now leave me alone. I'm driving and I almost hit a guy on a moped. He's probably one of us (hence the moped) and that would really mess up his day. Ya know?