Progress thread for ne

[ifulovelife2]

Progress thread for ne

Holy crap-aroo! Are you seriously posting on MWO whilst driving? OK, I think you're taking this living in the moment and not worrying about the next thing a tad too far.:H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Yep. Eating lunch, too. Now I'm at the salon with orange colored goo in my hair. (Some of us gotta work for it, unlike redhead. Or you.)

So much for taking time off, focusing on the moment, and getting done what I need to instead of staring at the beloved mac. pffft.

btw, I actually really was driving (though at a stoplight) (and eating too. A wickedly delicious cheeseburger. There are some things that don't fall into the 'meat is yucky' category. I know. I'm working on it.) so I couldn't let it all out. You'll have to come back.

I've depleted my zoom completely and am now perilously close to zzzzzzzzz...I'm going to go find something mindless. Other than my vapid hair dresser. um, stylist. Whatever. Whom I suddenly find really...boring. Where are the fabulous hairdressers anymore? I am in the wrong part of the world. (see how I do that? Boring hairdresser=wrong part of the WORLD. boring stylist=MUST move. Not, "Ne, maybe you should get a different stylist." Or, "Why do you care if he's boring? How's your hair?" Being reasonable does not always come naturally. Like pretty hair! )

Grat at you soon!

[RedThread12]

Progress thread for ne

Yeah. Wild, huh? This IS it!! And how awesome you woke Ed up to share the perfection with him!! And I'll bet his response was PERFECT, too! :H

I do the hair thing, too. It just is what it is. For now. It would be okay with me if that changed. :h

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

This is specifically in response to the couple of things that make my heart happy 'round here:

Things are moving and shaking in me. Which is amazing. I love this when it arrives.

It's visceral for me. When I was in AA I had a visualization of my soul/heart/viscera as being covered with this black, tarry mud-type stuff. It wasn't solid, but it cracked. And as clarity (let's call it that for lack of words...) flowed in, the oozing tar-wall started to crack. It vibrated sometimes and would get little cracks. And sometimes a big lightening bolt shaped crack would open up.
Light so bright it is almost painful, but isn't, pierces those cracks. Like laser beams. Like an unleashed almighty power. Like every sci-fi image we have of the before-life and after-life and connection to one another. (Being a bit of a sci-fi/fantasy buff, the Star Treks and Wars and all of the good/evil novels have defined my sense of What Is as much as anything I learned in religious study or 12 step groups. :H)

And so I know when I start to feel that, that things are moving and shaking in ways I don't quite get or can't quite see, but that IT is happening and if I just go along with it instead of fighting, fighting, fighting or being afraid, then HOLY COW! A whole new thing opens up.
And that's where I am.

No fear this time around.
And I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with speaking truth to power. Or rather, writing it. So I have to get busy!

More from me in a day or two. Sorry I don't have time to follow up on stuff I said I would do or where I've been asked a specific question.
The benzo thing? I've gotta let that go. It'll just make us all angry. (that's bad. Let's be friends or at least friendly.)
And the anxiety/addiction thing, Grat? That's more dangerous than the benzo thing and a pit full of vipers! :H But I'll come back to that as soon as I can. I'm more curious about what YOU think about it. Feel free to respond wherever you like, but let me know, will ya?
:l

[taw]

Progress thread for ne

Morning NE! I just have to tell you that your upbeatness is contagious!! Thanks! I needed that on this Monday morning! You have such a positive outlook all the time! I so admire that about you!

Hope your tar continues to crack away! Do let us know how it is going!!!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks, Taw. And good morning bacatcha! I'm reading, sister, and so thrilled for you.

Yesterday was one of those terrible, awful, lousy, no-good days. They suck. And I'm not really looking forward to today. We find out today if we are actually going to buy this house (on our terms) that I'm not sure we want.
I will also find out today if my dear friend is better, if life will continue to be a terrible struggle, if the will to live and live well will overcome the desire to give up and give in to suicidal depression.

I cannot change...everything. Some shit is just out of my control. That bothers me a great deal. The loan and the house, that's one thing. But now I recognize it as just kerfuffle. It doesn't really matter.

But this day to day thing we call life? I cannot gift or give or beg or pray into someone that it is an amazing, beautiful and joyful thing to experience. I cannot stand on a mountaintop with my arms spread wide and say "Behold" and have people understand the awe that I feel in some moments of each day. That I get to experience it, on my terms, in my way, from my unique perspective on this earth in this moment. I forget that too frequently, but it makes it that much more sweet when the dawn comes again and I am filled with the urge to write, again and again, until everyone gets it:

Behold

It all sounds so trite, so unreal or silly or...stupid. The experience is not, though. Not from where I'm sitting.

Much love, strength and most of all, hope, to us all today!

[flamengo]

Progress thread for ne

NE are you on any other medication asides from Baclofen?

[RedThread12]

Progress thread for ne

:H :H :H :H :H Yeah, Ne . . . and if so, I'll have what you're having! :h

Sorry. That was probably entirely inappropriate. It's a valid question from many different standpoints. It just "tickled my funny-bone," delightfully.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

flamengo;1358485 wrote: NE are you on any other medication asides from Baclofen?

I agree, that is very, very funny. As if I wasn't already mortified by the post. omg. I could seriously hide from that one. Whatev... It's where I am, or where I was at 4am after a hellish day, and a doozy of a crying jag right before bed. Not so much today 14 hours later!

The short answer, flamengo is not really. It is without irony when I tell you I'm not a fan of taking a bunch of meds. And I am firmly convinced it's not a good idea to mix a lot of 'em together, or (for me) to take any of them for any length of time.

I'm really not sure how to answer because I'm not sure why you're asking.Looking for solutions or to offer suggestions? In other words, do I list all of the medications I've taken, or tried for say, insomnia? (A lot.) Or do you want to know if I was high as a kite this morning? (No!) Or if I'm nuts? (My therapist doesn't think so, but my husband is convinced of the fact.)

I occasionally take some of the other meds you'll see mentioned around here too. And I try and fail to take a supplement daily. It helps when I do. So does eating, which I'm not very good about. And eating well really makes me feel like a rock star, but I really don't do that well at all. (Which might explain why I feel so good when I do! It's a huge accomplishment!)

And I drink very occasionally still.

If there was something specific you were looking for, Flamengo, I'll try to fill in the blanks.

[flamengo]

Progress thread for ne

Hi NE, wasn't trying to come off making any assumptions was just asking because I thought I had read that you also used Atvian for a short time? I tried baclofen but, like Tex, my anxiety increased or it appeared that way. Which makes me believe that Baclofen has an effect on cortisol levels since mine have always been slightly elevated. I seem to have taken a few steps back since starting baclofen and never went higher then 25mg per day. I stopped taking it Monday so it should all be out of my system by now since it has a 4 hour half life or a least most of it.

I'm now seriously contemplating just asking my doctor to put me on some benzo again for a few months until I can get my health back. My anxiety for the last few days has been through the rooooof. I don't know if I should jump back on baclofen and stick it out or if just really isn't the drug for me.

Anyways, thanks for responding and I apologize if I came off asking something inappropriate. I guess I'm just looking for some hope / answers. Just feels like its back to square one......all I want is to feel normal.

I

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Hey, Flamengo. I'm really sorry you are having such a tough time. Bac is not for everyone, for sure. And who knows really, anything about bac and anxiety--we barely know anything about bac and booze! I looked the cortisol thing up a bit when I saw your thread. I saw indications that it increased and decreased cortisol? I don't know, as I did little more than read the titles of the research.

It's a touchy subject at the moment. And I worry about saying things that might have people jumping to conclusions about what's safe and what's not. And there are things that I would likely never try, but they might really help someone else.

Benzos are a perfect example. They really, really help some people. They're not to be taken lightly, and using them for any length of time would likely lead to dependence. But there are worse things, I think, than needing a medication.

I found this doctor's blog really interesting: Substance Matters

And here's the other thing I think I mentioned in response to something like this: There are many, many medications that can help people that we know absolutely nothing about here. And lots of them just shouldn't be used without at least a doctor's script and awareness. Many of them really shouldn't be taken without direct supervision and regular contact with a doc.

I've got to go, but I will be back.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

And I've never taken Ativan. I have never taken any benzo regularly. But I would in a heartbeat if it helped me live my life the way I wanted. (And I don't mean high and happy. That's not comfortable or real. I mean healthy and relatively content.)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

hmmmmm.
My experience is that when people are mean or antagonistic, they are not really looking for answers or solutions. If they were actually looking for anything other than a fight, they'd ask questions.

There's a little exclamation point in the top right hand corner of every post that one can use "to report spam, advertising messages, and problematic (harassment, fighting, or rude) posts." It is very useful for posts where people are intentionally mean or antagonistic.

Flamengo, please read over the recent threads about PTSD and the one you started. And some of the other ones, but with a critical eye. Bac is no easy answer. For alcoholics, it's one of a very few options. That is not true for a lot of other illnesses. And what's more, it's really important to have a support group that understands exactly what you're going through. Finally, not having medical oversight is not something we choose (for the most part.) It's a necessity because there is only one route for treatment of alcoholism. And it doesn't work very well. If it had worked for me, at all, I would never have tried bac.
Finally, and this is important! There isn't any easy solution for any chronic illness. Taking a pill (any pill) for a short time and then stopping because it's uncomfortable, isn't going to work. It just won't. The process is bound to be uncomfortable, lengthy, and costly. But it will be well worth it when you get well.
I hope you can put those pieces together soon!
Don't give up!

[ifulovelife2]

Progress thread for ne

Nonsense! Taking random pills has served me well for many a year. If some random person online suggests pill x y or z would help with a particular issue or prevent aother then i for one am all for it and will suck them down with puddle water if that is all that is readily available. And i can tell you that has never done me any harm ... oh crap ... let me just think about that for a minute.:H

[flamengo]

Progress thread for ne

Thank you for your reply NE. My problem is that I'm somehow looking for that magic pill that will help all these feelings go away. Unfortunately, this makes me prone to making stupid decisions like starting bac and cutting down on some of my other meds. Just really pi$$ed at myself right now. I took my last pill Monday night but I'm totally feeling an increase in anxiety. I'm not sure who's to blame, me, or the pill. Either way, I'm hoping that it will resolve itself in a few days.

Again, thanks for always taking the time to reply to my posts.