Progress thread for ne
oops. It's much later, isn't it? And I still have not responded...I forget about this old thing (and for good reason now that it's in tatters). Then I lament when I can't find it and have to do an actual search! But all in all that's a good thing because it means things are busy around here. right?
I can't decide if the sh*t is hitting the fan in my life because I am stressed and anxious, or if I'm stressed and anxious because things are going awry. While I know that expectations generally equal results, and perhaps I let my expectations (and the work I put into meeting them) lapse a little, the stuff that is happening to me and at me seems to be misaligned with what I have managed to accomplish so far.
What has this got to do with baclofen and MWO? I decided to start titrating down at the end of January. I was at a very erratic 160mg, and thought I'd go down 10 or 20mg per month. I'm not in any hurry, obviously, and I have no real destination. I just thought I'd check and see what's on the other side of 100mg. Like most others that have reached indifference and stayed around HDB for a while, I have no interest in booze and drink when I want, well within normal (below normal!) ranges. This is effortless and without thought or plan. (But not something I think you would call moderation. That doesn't exist. If you have to manage it, you ain't over it. anyway...)
Despite the troll's insistence that I am spending my time taking and/or abusing other substances, I do not in fact take or enjoy (much less abuse) anything with any regularity. Like with the booze, I take medications or supplements based on what I need when I need it and don't really have any fear of addiction or abuse in that realm either. (I stipulate this to point out that I am clean and sober, by all accounts, because it irritates, but also because I'm not sure what to do about bac. Or maybe I'm not sure what to do about life?)
So. Things are still remarkably amazingly good in so many ways it takes my breath away. That's the post I should be writing, actually. We're going to take a real vacation for our 10th anniversary, a fairy tale trip. And while on it we're going to figure out if we want to start a family (adopt) or keep our money and time to ourselves and see the world! If we don't opt for a family (which I think we will) then I think I'm going to forego the nursing thing and try to go to medical school! So things are pretty unreal in a good way. Even all the drama with the house we bought is working out to be no big deal.
But my head is not in such a good place. I wake up pre-dawn with really anxious thoughts and they run in circles on the damn carousel. I find myself overheating when I think of things from the past, or the what-ifs in the future. I'm beyond furious with my family at the moment because I don't feel like my grandmother is getting the medical care she needs and deserves. This last is very vital in terms of my stress and anxiety level, but I feel like I should be able to manage it much better.
Plus, I'm just not getting enough done on a regular basis. I don't know if the expectations are out of line, or what. They're certainly much lower than they were a year ago!
And I don't know if the 30mg less of bac is the difference. And if that's not it, then what do I do to deal with what feels like a chemical imbalance at it's very core? It's been said by others many times, and I have been through it before, too: It's hard to do the next right thing when it's starting to feel like that just takes too much energy. You know?
Wish I could wrap all this up in under a paragraph a la bleep, but there it is.
Oh, and I really wish someone could tell me what a ping is. I know what it is, actually, but what is it doing on my thread? It's on the topa thread too, and a couple of them in general discussion. Weird.
oops. It's much later, isn't it? And I still have not responded...I forget about this old thing (and for good reason now that it's in tatters). Then I lament when I can't find it and have to do an actual search! But all in all that's a good thing because it means things are busy around here. right?
I can't decide if the sh*t is hitting the fan in my life because I am stressed and anxious, or if I'm stressed and anxious because things are going awry. While I know that expectations generally equal results, and perhaps I let my expectations (and the work I put into meeting them) lapse a little, the stuff that is happening to me and at me seems to be misaligned with what I have managed to accomplish so far.
What has this got to do with baclofen and MWO? I decided to start titrating down at the end of January. I was at a very erratic 160mg, and thought I'd go down 10 or 20mg per month. I'm not in any hurry, obviously, and I have no real destination. I just thought I'd check and see what's on the other side of 100mg. Like most others that have reached indifference and stayed around HDB for a while, I have no interest in booze and drink when I want, well within normal (below normal!) ranges. This is effortless and without thought or plan. (But not something I think you would call moderation. That doesn't exist. If you have to manage it, you ain't over it. anyway...)
Despite the troll's insistence that I am spending my time taking and/or abusing other substances, I do not in fact take or enjoy (much less abuse) anything with any regularity. Like with the booze, I take medications or supplements based on what I need when I need it and don't really have any fear of addiction or abuse in that realm either. (I stipulate this to point out that I am clean and sober, by all accounts, because it irritates, but also because I'm not sure what to do about bac. Or maybe I'm not sure what to do about life?)
So. Things are still remarkably amazingly good in so many ways it takes my breath away. That's the post I should be writing, actually. We're going to take a real vacation for our 10th anniversary, a fairy tale trip. And while on it we're going to figure out if we want to start a family (adopt) or keep our money and time to ourselves and see the world! If we don't opt for a family (which I think we will) then I think I'm going to forego the nursing thing and try to go to medical school! So things are pretty unreal in a good way. Even all the drama with the house we bought is working out to be no big deal.
But my head is not in such a good place. I wake up pre-dawn with really anxious thoughts and they run in circles on the damn carousel. I find myself overheating when I think of things from the past, or the what-ifs in the future. I'm beyond furious with my family at the moment because I don't feel like my grandmother is getting the medical care she needs and deserves. This last is very vital in terms of my stress and anxiety level, but I feel like I should be able to manage it much better.
Plus, I'm just not getting enough done on a regular basis. I don't know if the expectations are out of line, or what. They're certainly much lower than they were a year ago!
And I don't know if the 30mg less of bac is the difference. And if that's not it, then what do I do to deal with what feels like a chemical imbalance at it's very core? It's been said by others many times, and I have been through it before, too: It's hard to do the next right thing when it's starting to feel like that just takes too much energy. You know?
Wish I could wrap all this up in under a paragraph a la bleep, but there it is.
Oh, and I really wish someone could tell me what a ping is. I know what it is, actually, but what is it doing on my thread? It's on the topa thread too, and a couple of them in general discussion. Weird.
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