Progress thread for ne

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

I also think bleep makes an excellent point. He makes it well, with good use of grammar, and stunning syntax. I would listen to the guy, clearly he has head squarely on his shoulders. Read some of his old threads, you'll see it's true.

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

bleep;1480995 wrote: I also think bleep makes an excellent point. He makes it well, with good use of grammar, and stunning syntax. I would listen to the guy, clearly he has head squarely on his shoulders. Read some of his old threads, you'll see it's true.

:H

The man has a point.

[Colin]

Progress thread for ne

bleep;1480995 wrote: I also think bleep makes an excellent point. He makes it well, with good use of grammar, and stunning syntax. I would listen to the guy, clearly he has head squarely on his shoulders. Read some of his old threads, you'll see it's true.

Still needs to work on his proofreading.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I'd quote you but you're all saying the same thing so it's rather moot. And I hear ya'.

But some of you have known me for going on 3 years now. And telling me not to think/overanalyze etc. is like suggesting I stop breathing. You know this. It's telling the rabbit to stop hopping, the politician to be stop taking money, the cat to stop licking it's butt. Not. Going. To. Happen. Sorry for your luck.

So. I don't want to take HDB anymore. Who does, right? I believe it's safe long term, and it's damn sure safer than being a drunk. (There is absolutely no question that I would die a drunk were it not for baclofen. I was never going to get sober any other way.)

BUT. I have sleep apnea. And I am a skinny 43 yo woman with no risk factors, except smoking. I have occasional nystagmus still. Again, no risk factors and definitely started after bac. I have a bunch of other stuff going on, none of it serious, but that may (or may not) be attributable to baclofen.
Add to it that I overthink everything, and I cannot take other medications unless I can be reasonably assured that it will not interfere with bac. That leaves benadryl, NSAIDs and xanax. (Not bad, but still... :H) I took Chantix for a week and think I might have had a really bad reaction. My husband took it for two and quit smoking.

I will never know what I need until I try. I am always going to be high-strung, too serious, overly analytical and prone to anxiety. (To know me is to love me? Poor husband.) What's baclofen and what's normal and what's not normal and needs to be dealt with? I don't have a clue. I've been an active alcoholic since I was 14 years old! I've only been sober-ish for two short periods in my life! (edit: until now.) I want to see what lies on the other side of both sobriety and HDB.

And here's a biggie: The stuff I'm interested in professionally pretty much necessitates that I am free of medications--especially ones that indicate "muscle relaxation." That's only slightly better than what I actually use it for. HA! Trying to convince people that it isn't that is kind of like trying to convince people there's a pill that treats alcoholism. It's a no-go.

All that said, I just found out that my grandmother is going to be okay (sort of) and I am so relieved I feel sick. I cannot believe how bad/good I feel. And I really, really want to get drunk. Or something. I've definitely had this feeling before, both in terms of "Let's party! Wooohoooo!" and "omg! I just need to get out of my head!" It's a family joke, because I can't drink like that. It doesn't feel good.

so. I guess I'll go do something productive with this relief/anxiety and I'll keep going down on bac ~10mg/month and figure out what kind of anxious/high strung thing I am and deal with it.

Plus, if 140mg is working for you, bleep, then I gotta figure I can find some place a bit lower, a bit closer to the norm.

But thanks for the thoughts, guys. I am touched and I also really appreciate it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

And yes, bleep. You are effortlessly brilliant. There are two traits in particular I wish you would share with me: The ability to sum shit up in 3 sentences or less. And the ability to make everything fun and funny. God, I've missed you. Zim should be closer.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Jesus Ne, thanks for the compliment, it means a lot, but now I have to use commas instead of full stops so I don't exceed my sentence limit, but that's ok (and I would respectfully disagree with your very kind words!), I think what you are doing is pretty cool, actually, seeing as how you have a sound motivation. I questioned it because it seemed kind of daft, but reading that makes perfect sense. I would mention that having a couple of SE's (nystagmus and apnea) doesn't strike me as particularly worrisome or unusual though.

All the best with your experiment. And you always have the option of simply taking baclofen again, so you have a safety net; hopefully that eases your natural anxiety somewhat!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

bleep.

One last thing or two.
Remember that line in my early-this-morning-post about how I woke up on the carousel and it ended up with self-loathing? That was a lie. It ended up with loathing other people. I am a people-loather at the moment. (Not you people. Just people in general and my uncle in particular. Pissed off at a bunch of other people, too. But not you people. just sayin')

I hate not liking people I love.

Second thing: I am definitely on some sort of roller coaster emotion ride. I am simultaneously exhausted and a bit frantic. I do not think this is related to baclofen. I've also spent more money today than I have since...a long time. Which isn't saying much because I am a penny-pinching fool, but I'm dropping big bucks at Nordstrom 'cause it's triple rewards and that is not in character. So I'm noting it here for the official record. (Not that anyone gives a hoot or that I ever read back, other than to delete stuff. Sorry for your luck Colin.) (Really.)

Okay. Peace out. I'm going to try to take a day off of media tomorrow. Newbies (if you're reading) stay well and strong. Everyone else, well, I hope it's a good day for you too.

[GeauxGirl]

Progress thread for ne

NE

Please be good to yourself. You have wonderful wisdom that you freely give to others. Please be kind to you!

GG

[Colin]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1481182 wrote: So I'm noting it here for the official record. (Not that anyone gives a hoot or that I ever read back, other than to delete stuff. Sorry for your luck Colin.) (Really.)

Like Alice I am confused again. You are noting something here as part of an "official record" but you might come back later and delete it? Perhaps the Mad Hatter can elucidate?

My luck is just fine at the moment. I've just received the following from Dr. de Beaurepaire:-
------------------------------
Thank you for your mail. You certainely reached your controlling dose, no need of testing. But baclofen does not prevent you from drinking a glass or two. I do not mean exactly that comorbid depression makes you less amenable to baclofen treatment, Just think that depressed people often do not really want to be freed from alcohol. And do not take their medication properly.
RB
------------------------------

Good luck with your baclofen free attempt. As others have noted you can always change your mind again and nobody will think any less of you.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

GeauxGirl;1481261 wrote: NE

Please be good to yourself. You have wonderful wisdom that you freely give to others. Please be kind to you!

GG
Thanks GG. That is my intention! It is a difficult balance to find, as I'm sure we can all agree. I embrace the part of me that I discovered after I got sober with bac, which is (among other things) pretty goal-driven. And I don't know what's "normal". Turns out that losing my shit because my Grandmother (one of my closest friends and allies) is sick and dying is okay. Add to it the family dynamics and oy vey. Add to that some stressful (but very normal) life stuff and I'm thinking that I'd have to be a yogi to deal with all of it without being anxious and out of sorts. Since all I've got in me at the moment is about 10 solid minutes of meditation at a time, I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for yogi status.

Yesterday was nice. Ed and I spent it together running errands and spending money on new lawn equipment (owners now, not renters! I miss the days of calling the landlord when the yard needed attention!!!) Organized the garage to put it all away, and generally had what we consider fun. He is also very, very grounding and the most normal-ish guy I know, so that was a gift. Plus I bought some more shoes.

Then last night my dad called me to encourage me to be kind to my mother over this whole situation with my grandmother. I'm down with that... But as we talked he started to berate me for being upset in the first place. Then I realized he was drunk. *sigh* Bleep mentioned on another thread that his parents don't get it. I can relate! My dad is an alcoholic who very recently gave up booze (white knuckling again) and reminded me that once when I was in high school he quit drinking for a year. That was 20 years ago. I have begged him to treat his disease with baclofen. I gave up about a year ago. I don't know what he's scared of, or why he won't even try it, but there it is. (My mother, a nurse in her younger years and a psychologist now, is thoroughly convinced that baclofen is safe. Their primary care physician told them it was safe and that he knows doctors who are using it to treat people. [Aside: This is in Baltimore, MD. So if you're from around Baltimore/D.C. it's likely you'll find a doc if you look!])

Heavy, heavy sigh. Now I'm more pissed off than before. (Not about the drinking. I can't fault him for that. He's got it like I do. Or rather I've got it like he does...It's what we do. I fault him for not taking the damn pills, though.)

Colin;1481428 wrote: ...You are noting something here as part of an "official record" but you might come back later and delete it? ...

Hi Colin. I am still not getting the Alice in Wonderland references. It's been a decade or two since I've read the original, and what sticks with me is the Disney movie version. But is it any wonder that Alice (by way of L. Carroll) was perpetually confused considering the fact that she was on some sort of freaky acid trip? If you are using it as some other sort of reference, than I am clearly not smart enough to get it. If you'll explain it, I'll do my best to understand. Otherwise, please know that I have no idea wth you're referring to.

Some reasons to delete:
The information is too personal.
One becomes uncomfortable or self-conscious.
One realizes that the post was wrong. Or hurtful. Or simply made a situation worse.
Some of the stuff I've deleted was directly related to drama and kerfuffle that has absolutely no bearing on anything. What you might not realize is that when conflict arises there are often several threads (and PMs and emails etc) that influence each other. So finding one thread, where one person is "attacked" seemingly without provocation, would not illuminate the full story if there were several other threads where the person was being absolutely horrible. And there is absolutely no way a newcomer could trace all of it, because the threads don't organize like that. (By date for instance, or subject matter.)

I share personal contact information with anyone who wants it. Posts related to when I was a complete train wreck now put me in an awkward position, as they may have an impact on how people in 3D perceive me. (Now or in the future.) This could be related to my previous alcoholism or to my current baclofen usage.
People who do not have good intentions can (and do) take words out of context in order to make accusations, insinuations or just flat out lies. It doesn't matter (to me) on this forum, but it would matter a great deal if it happened in real life. (For example, and oft recited one that I abuse other medications.) Trolls might be of no consequence to you, but it is hurtful (to me) and well, there's the 3D risk for those of us who "share too much."
My words can (and have) been used by other people in ways that make me very uncomfortable. There is no protection from that when posting on an anonymous internet forum. I do not for a minute think my words need protecting (god knows, they barely warrant reading) but there is nothing to stop anyone from telling...my story. And as I mentioned on the other thread, there have been occasions when journalists make inquiries here. I'm happy to oblige, but not at the expense of losing my own identity.

And probably several other reasons. Including the fact that it is the height of ego to assume that anything written here by anyone (diary or otherwise) will have an impact on anything. The strength (I believe) lies in the collective, not the individual.

In reference to that previous conversation on the other thread: I don't believe that disagreements are a "reflection of ego." In fact, I think that's absolutely ridiculous. So ridiculous that I don't have time to even begin to try to respond. Disagreements are vital component of communication. They can accomplish greater understanding, and open up new ways of thinking or doing things. I'm pretty sure you'd agree. (Maybe I'm wrong? But you don't seem to shy away from disagreements, and it seems to me you seek them out in order to get a greater understanding.)

One last thing about the comment here: I'll tell you what I do consider a function of ego: official records. Plus, who the hell wants to read a bazillion pages of stuff when (at least in my case) they can just ask.

Congratulations on your communications with Dr. De Beaurepaire. And thanks for sharing his response. That does, of course, make perfect sense. I wonder how much else of that research we could probe for a greater understanding of all of this. A part of me hopes to participate some day...Then I remember what a thankless field of medicine addiction is. Ha, again!

Colin;1481428 wrote: Good luck with your baclofen free attempt. As others have noted you can always change your mind again and nobody will think any less of you.

I'm not going all the way down. Not now, and probably not ever. I also believe that it is an erroneous assumption that it works the second time around the same as the first. (Edit: I don't doubt it works. I just don't know how and I certainly don't want to go through the hell of titrating way up again.) That's not what I've witnessed on here. While I loathe taking medication every day, and hate the fact that it's not considered legitimate treatment (yet) I also know I'll never go back because I might not get free again. I think I would literally rather die than live how I used to live. Even when I was sober against my will. That was almost worse than drinking against my will.

But thanks for the well wishes, if that's what your intention was.

Cheers, peeps! Hope it's a good day.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I'm putting a three sentence maximum on all of my posts for the remainder of the weekend. Just to see what that feels like.

[Persephone1]

Progress thread for ne

Hello Ne/Neva Eva (and Gang!),

I have wanted to share on this thread for awhile now, and I'm totally heartbroken that you're limiting your posts to 3 sentences on the weekend that I've finally got my duckies in row! :sulk:

I've spent the better part of the past week reading over much of this thread. I noticed that many of Ne's posts are gone…and then came upon a recent post explaining why. While I truly understand and, of course, you are entitled to do with your own writing as you please…I am actually quite bummed as I have grown to thoroughly enjoy following your progress over a damn significant amount of time ~ Yes, I was actually appreciative of the 'bazillion pages of stuff'! And I respectfully disagree with your comment, "the fact that it is the height of ego to assume that anything written here by anyone (diary or otherwise) will have an impact on anything". TBH, much of what is shared on this forum has profoundly impacted me. The individual is an integral part of the collective after all, no?

I am impressed and dare I say enamored with your candor and willingness to fumble & bumble through this process with 1st yourselves and then one other. The seeming lack of judgment and harsh admonishments is so refreshing to me and I think desperately needed in this fight for our lives with this disease. It's how I personally prefer to go through life in general, so you (Ne in particular) feel warm and safe to me. I wish I had found this thread 2 months ago when I started this journey. The mod and meds threads feel very accepting and respectful in a way that is difficult to accurately describe. At any rate, thank you so very much, for simply being yourselves and willing to share your journey here. :l

A little background: I have been on the site about 2 months. Been off alcohol that entire time and cigs for about 1/2 of that. I'd been severely abusing both for the past 7 ~ 8 years or so. Don't know the extent to which I've damaged my body due to this fact. I had my daughter when I was 17, stopped all partying, etc…while raising her (alone) and when she grew up and out, I went right back to the 'twenties' that I missed out on, though I was actually in my mid~thirties! 'Twas super fun at first, shows & clubs in LA several nights a week. Then, as was when I was a teen, I realized once again that the gauge that many folks have that says 'you've had enough girl, stop drinking!' was definitely broken in me. The last few years have been hellish. Totally lost mySelf & was functioning (barely) in survival mode. I moved back to my hometown 1 year ago to care for my mom, who recently passed away from lung cancer directly related to alcoholism and smoking. THAT was a HUGE wake up call. Alas, I'm slowly being found, slowly being reclaimed and it's a lovely reunion. I've actually missed me.

I am on Bac, but it was prescribed for a chronic neck pain issue (still trying to figure this out) so I don't know how much of the sobriety I've been able to achieve is attributed to the Bac, albeit by accident. I didn't even put this together when I decided to quit and the dosage is rather low, 60 mgs daily…Doesn't really matter, I'm retraining the 'ol brain either way and it's working just now.

I believe there are countless methods and combinations used to obtain sobriety/moderation & so many factors involved with the growth & healing process. And that is one of the greatest things about this site and support system…we can each put together our very own 'toolbox of tricks' to maintain either sobriety or modding, and NO ONE else gets to tell us there are specific 'rules' on how that gets accomplished. It's fuckin' beautiful. MY WAY OUT...Indeed.

I hope it's OK that I crashed your thread. I am super excited to get to know you all.

Have a wonderful Sunday. P.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Persephone! I agree with how special this place is (and for me, the meds threads in particular) and how the individual stories still are the single most important thing. That said, I'm glad you understand why I did what I did. I still lament the loss.

Congratulations, and welcome. I've exceeded my limit, but I have never been one to follow the rules, even my own. (Thank all that matters. Wouldn't be sober if I had.)

More from me later-ish.

Thank you for your kind words and I'm so glad you've joined us.

Ne

[missyabby1]

Progress thread for ne

Hey Ne

I come here very infrequently now...as you know. I always look for your thread first. Three years is a long time to be posting on any forum. I often wondered why you were such a prolific writer here. I understood why you documented your experience with using baclofen. I understood that it helped so many people heading into that way of achieving sobriety. It was brilliant. You still appear to be sober. That is a huge achievement. As you know, I chose not to go down that path and became sober by changing my life. I recognised that I had certain things to learn about myself which , painful as it was, I had to visit. I don't wake up anymore with dread. I so don't take any medication and I am generally a serene entity nowadays. I am not free from stress or pain or frustration but I am whole. I don't go to the gym, I don't meditate, I have the occasional rip snorter nights when I turn my music up loud and get absolutely trashed. I try not to over anylize,I am still fragile, but generally I don't focus on myself anymore. I focus outward. I have been lucky enough to do I job now that I really enjoy. I don't use my Psychology Degree anymore, other to enjoy what it taught me. That is was just a piece of paper that I didn't really need to be who I am. I live alone with my dog, I don't need to please anyone anymore. I have had people ,many of "my people" who have died, been sick and I tended to them along the way. I didn;t argue with anyone who wanted to argue about their care. I just overode them. I made it my business to find out what they really wanted and proceeded with that.

I trust myself now. But geez it took a long time to get to that point. I am not totally sober Ne. But getting drunk now is something I do very rarely. I have meaningful things to do in my life which truly is more important. I focus outward. It is a blessing.

Dear girl, you are so not an anxious being, in fact, you are probably a very calm person underneath the "persona". Well I think you are anyway. Meditation is not going to cut it girlfriend....life would be a breeze for us westerners if that was the case.

Hope you don't mind my opinion, and that is what it is, just my opinion and that is ok.

You helped and protected me when I was here before and I will never forget that .

I still come here to see how you doing. Outwards Ne. Navels can become so bloody boring girl.

Love missyabby xxx

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

missyabby1;1482388 wrote:
I still come here to see how you doing. Outwards Ne. Navels can become so bloody boring girl.

:H:H:H You are sooooo right. omg. If that isn't the curse of Ne--the navel gazing is sublime torture.
Thanks for checking in. I don't know why I'm still here half the time, either. Then someone reaches out and the habit, if that's what it is, pays off. Plus, this place gave me life. I like paying that debt.

I am so glad you're doing well, Missy. I don't care about what or how much or when. I care that you are free in so many ways, and I celebrate that with you. Rock on, sister. :l