Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Persephone1;1482238 wrote: And that is one of the greatest things about this site and support system?we can each put together our very own 'toolbox of tricks' to maintain either sobriety or modding, and NO ONE else gets to tell us there are specific 'rules' on how that gets accomplished. It's fuckin' beautiful. MY WAY OUT...Indeed.

Amen.

Sort of.

I think we all wish for some specific guidelines, at the very least. But it astonishes me how much this place and my own space here, has helped me get where I am today. Everything from what I eat, to how I exercise, what I consider fun, what I consider meditation, what vitamins I take...I am possibly particularly malleable. :H But I also think there is incredible wisdom and some absolute genius(es) on this site. Dumbasses, too. Myself included.

One of the things I don't think I've ever seen actively discussed is whether or not the amount of baclofen one needs is based on length of time and depth of disease. It's hard to quantify, of course, who is sicker than whom. (Whom? Stuck? Feel free to correct the grammar.)

Redthread, for instance, was a sick puppy. But she had 10 years of sobriety before plummeting again into the bottle. She felt relief from day one. There are several examples of this, but hers is the only story I feel comfortable relating. (Thanks, RedT.)

And then others of us...oy. I really wondered if I was going to have to pull a bleep and go up, up, up. And I'm pretty sure I've never had 30 consecutive days sober in my life, outside of rehab.

There are plenty of exceptions, too. I know of one woman whose story mirrors mine in uncanny ways, and I don't think she had to go over 200mg. But I think (???) she also had a year or so of sobriety. (I have confused her story so I hesitate to relate that one for sure. I'll ask her though.)

I've also wondered if we haven't stumbled on some parameters for doses that work. This could be implanted based on something Levin said a couple of years ago--about 140mg, and 240mg. I would add 320mg, mainly because that's what Ed and I had to reach. But it seems like we settle around there, too. But again, and particularly in this case, I can think of so many exceptions that it's hard to say.

Alright. I've got to get some work done after taking an ENTIRE DAY OFF and doing absolutely mindless things all day. Often boring, but I'm glad I did it. And I thank those of you who helped to entertain with things completely unrelated to anything.

Cheers!

[Juja]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1481113 wrote: And telling me not to think/overanalyze etc. is like suggesting I stop breathing.

I think we were twins separated a birth.:H

Love your posts, and this thread.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Missy and Persephone,

I missed your posts the first time around, apologies. Missy, I am pleased you have found a way out of the this viscous circle! It is good to see you back.

Persephone, glad to see you here; I have seen a couple of your posts around, and they are thoughtful and well reasoned. I look forward to more of the same.

Ne, how is your experiment going?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks, Juja. and :l

bleep, I woke up pissed off and out of sorts. What's new? I have no feckin' idea what to do with my life. blahdy blah blah. Nothing at all to do with bac. But god damn I wish there was a pill to make it so my grandmother wasn't dying and everyone in the world wasn't colluding to irritate me.

Other than that, all is well. I've got my pills organized by the week. I am meditating against my will. I am also lifting a weight or two against my will. I am sleeping because I'm taking meds. And I'm eating even though I find eating anything other than chocolate really pretty pointless.

I am also working in my yard, and planted a bunch of seeds that actually grew and so now must take joy in the fact that I have a whole bunch of flowers to plant and it's going to be a lovely day. Oh. and I had three exams in three days and did well on all of them.

So yeah. Everything's fine. *sigh* Thanks for asking. :l

[Persephone1]

Progress thread for ne

Hiya Ne, Life is super busy lately...just wanted to pop in and see how you were?

Thanks Bleep for the warm welcome :l

Hope everyone is doing well. All the best, P.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

I could have sworn there was a post here from Ne?! Why do you do that?! Or am I going mad?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Juja, I'm pretty sure that the thinking is the actual problem. But more on that later...

Hi Persephone. I'm okay, thanks for asking. Hope you are!

bleep, I'm pretty sure it's you. But if it's not you, it's because I'm cranky and out of sorts and self-conscious and annoyed and annoying.

A couple of days ago I had what I thought was an honest-to-goodness craving. For the first time in more than two years, I wanted a Corona, which was one of my drinks of choice when I was a drunk. I stopped at the store to pick some up, and they only had 12 packs. Back in the day, 12 beers wouldn't have been enough but I know that even when I think I really, really want to get drunk, I really actually don't. And who the hell drinks that stuff? No one I know. Rather than just give up the idea altogether, I went to another store for a 6-pack. Got home, popped one open and drank it. Got another. Then I literally forgot about it and went to bed for a nap.

When Ed got home we started to fix dinner together. (He told me later that when he saw the 6-pack on the counter with a couple of beers out of it on a Saturday afternoon he was a tad concerned!) I still wanted to drink. Or something. So I made myself a cocktail. Two sips into it, while recounting information about a rat-study I read, and a dream I had related to it, I started crying about the poor rats. The next thing I knew, I was sobbing in his arms.

THAT's when the pieces fell into place. He very gently and quietly suggested that I might be a bit hormonal, and then he quickly left the room.

I'm happy to report that on 120 mg I still can't (or don't want to) drink too much. For the first time in ages I woke up this morning without dread for the day. I'm still annoyed (and perhaps annoying) but it's going to be a beautiful spring day and I'm actually looking forward to it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks Reg. Great pic, and thanks for sharing it. That remains to be seen, as I'm trying really hard to remain in this moment and not the moment when we might commit ourselves to raising a kid!!! (If one thinks too much about that, it becomes absolutely ridiculous, doesn't it? :H)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Reggie;1486016 wrote: You must sort of feel insane thinking as much as you do ..time to ease up on youre self maybe ? Just a suggestion Ne..you seem to drive yourself insane deliberately:H:H

That one needs to be quoted just in case you change your mind.

Yep. :H:H Tho I feel like I don't have that much control over it. We all know that's a not-truth.

In addition to everything else that I woke up with this morning (happily free of the headache I had yesterday. ugh. Booze sucks.) I realized that it really IS the thinking that's the problem.

Again, and again, and again I've had people say to me (since I was a kid) that I just need to not think so much. And again and again I dismiss it as just who I am and just what I do.

It drives me a little bananas when people ask for suggestions/advice and then dismiss it all without giving it a shot or a thought. So I had this AHA! moment about it all. I was happiest, am happiest, when I'm just doing the next thing and not thinking about the thing that is 20 steps down the line.

When I first got sober I was completely free of those navel-gazing thoughts. And largely free of resentment, judgment, and most importantly, fear. Fear-free is fucking phenomenal. I highly recommend it. (Within relative reason. My fearlessness related to maintaining speed limits has resulted in several speeding tickets and a much higher car insurance rate. I don't recommend that at all.)

So there you go. I'm gonna try not to think. For the first time in my life. Not even sure how to do it. But I am NOT going to think about it.

xo

[MaryGoRound]

Progress thread for ne

I heard a parable last night that I have heard many times before but last night it really clicked. It also made me think of you with you last post.

The story illustrates that everything depends on perspective. Sometimes it is really important to focus on the task at hand (i.e."laying bricks") because it is the best we can do to focus on a particular day. Sometimes we need to concentrate on vision so we know what we are trying to achieve (i.e. "building a cathedral"). I like to think that the worker could be the same person on different days.

A man once walked by a building site and saw three stone masons side by side, sweating over their work in the hot sun.

He asked the first, “What are you doing?”

“Laying bricks,” came the reply.

He asked the second stone mason, “And what are you doing?”

“Building a wall,” came the reply.

Then he asked the third mason, “And what is it you are doing?”

“I am raising a great cathedral.”

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Is this place working?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Whew! Alright then. Hi to all. Hope everybody weathered the cyber-kerfuffle without too much angst. Bacinabit for me.

[Persephone1]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Ne and Gang...kerfuffle. What an awesome word! Yes, survived it...barely ! How's everyone? I am waiting very impatiently for spring to kick in, this weather has me a bit depressed. Also, awaiting news from the doc on my neck issues, results on Tues. Fingers crossed it's something that I can deal with...

Hope your weekends are off to a good start! More from me soon :ls...P.

[Juja]

Progress thread for ne

Ne, where are you? I love hearing about what's going on in your head. You're quite interesting, you know.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks juja. In an attempt to guard my sleep and find my mojo I've given up getting up predawn. (Even when I wake at 4am I make myself Stay. In. Bed. It's actually not dreadful.) Which means that when I get out of bed the world is also getting up and I gotta start my day. Which is the long version of my excuse: I don't have quiet time to write in the mornings at the moment. I'm pretty much done with that, though, so I'll be back soon. Sorry for everybody's luck.

Persephone, I really hope that the situation with your neck (what is it?) is easily resolvable. Whatever it is, I am quite sure that you'll be able to take care of it. It's what we do. The only kerfuffle we can't handle is the kind that turns us into dust. And I have it from people I respect that even that is handle-able. Though I don't really believe it. (Caveat: I couldn't handle the beast of addiction...until now. yay!)

Mary, thank you for a very thought provoking post. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about it. After I gave up the whole "not-thinking" experiment. Which had a lot to do with your post, actually.