Progress thread for ne

[TexasAg]

Progress thread for ne

Hi my friend!

Wow, I don't check in for a few weeks and you posted soo much! I'm gonna read up but just wanted to say howdy and thanks!

Cheers!

[Sticky]

Progress thread for ne

Hi NE

Please refer my post on my progress thread as can't send you a pvte msg.

Sticky

[joanna_d]

Progress thread for ne

hi there love!
hm, not thinking. i did a vipassana retreat 2 times, which means 10 days of not speaking, not making any kind of outside contact, no music, no reading, nothing. only meditation.
rather intense and sometimes nerve wrecking, cause you're confronted with your ongoing thinking in a radical way.
i remember sitting outside on a bench during a break from meditation, the sun on my face, looking at the land around me, and then suddenly realising: "i'm not thinking!" and then "fuck!!!" :H
thinking about not thinking.

haven't caught up on your writing here yet, so don't know where you are in diminishing or quitting bac. gaba in your brain is ao responsible for shutting out 'noise' in your brain, so that your able to focus. (i'm explaining this kinda clumsy. have some descriptions about it, only in dutch, though some of them are available in english. i could try and translate some...)
what i've been noticing while going down on bac (to find my maintenance dose), is that i'm becoming way more susceptible to impressions from the outside, and inflammable from the inside. i like that. though it urges me to mind myself carefully, shutting myself off from input from time to time.
fortunately, i've got my studio (and my paper and pencils and brushes and paint). it's such a quiet place and it's MY SPACE. different from my house, where i have my computer, day to day things, all the energy from the goings on in my life.

a room of one's own.

:l:l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Update?

Finding a room of one's own and building a cathedral (one brick at a time)...There's a theme there if one is willing to look into it. While that theme is very much on my mind, this doesn't feel like the time or place to explore it.

I found indifference at ~320mg in Feb 2011. Went up and down until settling at about 200mg for several months. Then down to 140mg and up to 160mg for about 8 months.
I've been on 100 mg of bac for a week or more now. I started titrating down from 160 mg in January. I am going down about 10mg/mo until this last time when I only spent a little bit of time at ~120/110. Sorry I don't keep better track!

A couple of weeks ago I drank on 4 almost-consecutive nights. It wasn't related to going out, or to anything special. I just wanted a drink. This concerned me a bit. Particularly the day when I decided to have a margarita and couldn't find anything other than the booze to make it with. I made it with grapefruit soda, and drank two strong drinks. I'm on the lookout for whatever that craving thing is, and continue to wonder if the off-switch will turn on and it will suddenly seem like a good idea to drink a whole lot on a regular basis. It hasn't happened. I sometimes think about booze in a not-normal-way. As in, "I could get drunk right now and then I wouldn't be bored anymore." (I am frequently bored right now. It's very annoying to be frequently bored. I don't recommend it at all. I much prefer being too busy. I get a lot more done.)

But the thing is, I can't really get drunk. Not in any useful way. The thought of opening an alcoholic beverage in the middle of the day honestly disgusts me. I mean the thought of actually drinking it is disgusting. I suppose the way it makes me feel is rather loathsome, too. I don't particularly like being tipsy. Alone and in the middle of a day? No fun. I definitely don't like being drunk. And while the threat of a hangover is not something I think consciously about, I really abhor feeling like crap when I wake up. I can feel the effects of even one glass of wine the next day. Any more than that and I'll stay in bed for an extra hour or two just to avoid the uuuuuuuugh. I usually get up around 4 am, so staying in bed until 6 doesn't really get in the way. I just miss my favorite part of the day.

Moderation is a myth, of course. The minute I have to start planning how much, and when, and why I will (or won't) drink is the minute I completely abstain. Perhaps that is my marker, more than anything else. I will not waste one more minute of my life, boring though it may be at the moment, in the pursuit of alcohol. Not even in thinking about drinking.

So I guess I'm still 'cured'. Perhaps remission is a better word, though it seems that for me the bond is permanently broken. (This is not true for my husband, I don't think. He has maintained his dose of 140mg for more than a year [2 years?] now and he still likes to drink. Very occasionally. But still...)

I'm going to keep going down. I don't know how far. I will probably titrate back up again too. Baclofen is, for me, something more than just the search for indifference. It seems as though it's an effective antidepressant (or something?). I don't doubt that my current malaise is related to the decrease in dose, but it's nothing I can't manage. It's important to know what levels work best for me, so I'll keep looking.

For those on the way out, don't stop. It is so incredibly worth it to be free. If I had known then what I know now, I would not have had even one minute of hesitation or angst about the process. You simply won't be able to imagine it until you know. Hang in there.

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1498538 wrote: I much prefer being too busy. I get a lot more done.)

If I had known then what I know now, I would not have had even one minute of hesitation or angst about the process. You simply won't be able to imagine it until you know. Hang in there.

I'm no good at the whole 'multiple quote' thing, so I just lumped the parts of your post that I wanted to respond to together. But holy fucking shit, Ne, this hit me hard and I am right there with you.

The first line up there is just so dead-on that I can't even stand it. And where I am right now it's a kind of 'busy' that I don't really understand, because there's no schedule and no deadlines, and no reading list that I have to get to before a certain date, and no real knowledge of what I really even don't yet know that I need to learn, and I'm no good at this kind of shit.

The second part, well, yeah. The fact that I've been through bac before is the reason, the only reason, that I'm not completely freaking out right now. Not about the booze, not about the Ativan that I've been occasionally taking for the withdrawal from the booze, not about really much of anything.

So for the newbies and lurkers: this shit works. I know it works. It worked before and it will work again. And even though I wasn't happy and maybe even depressed as fuck, at the switch, and certainly coming down off the bac entirely, which messed with me, it will be OK again sometime in the very near future. Even if I still don't know what 'OK' means.

Hang in there, 'K? You're going to be just fine Ne, no matter where you find a comfortable place to be.

[MaryGoRound]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1498538 wrote:

I found indifference at ~320mg in Feb 2011. Went up and down until settling at about 200mg for several months. Then down to 140mg and up to 160mg for about 8 months.
I've been on 100 mg of bac for a week or more now. I started titrating down from 160 mg in January.

A couple of weeks ago I drank on 4 almost-consecutive nights. It wasn't related to going out, or to anything special. I just wanted a drink. This concerned me a bit.

Moderation is a myth, of course. The minute I have to start planning how much, and when, and why I will (or won't) drink is the minute I completely abstain. Perhaps that is my marker, more than anything else. I will not waste one more minute of my life, boring though it may be at the moment, in the pursuit of alcohol. Not even in thinking about drinking.

So I guess I'm still 'cured'. Perhaps remission is a better word, though it seems that for me the bond is permanently broken.

I am so glad you posted those comments. It is important that we can track what happens next. I am forever grateful for those of our community who keep us posted.

Is this a cure or a remission? I do not know but only keeping in touch can we at least try to figure it out.

Ne, of course you will be OK because you know what to do if you are concerned.

[TexasAg]

Progress thread for ne

Reggie;1500748 wrote: Ne how are you traveling?
WE all need to know your thoughts
your thoughts are diamonds:l
when you get a chance

Agree completely! Wishing you the best if you're travelling!

Cheers!

[missyabby1]

Progress thread for ne

Dear Girlfriend

It is so hard to come to terms with post alcoholism. After a lifetime of slugging the bottle to ease whatever, it is so not much fun to leave it all behind. Meds or not (and I do believe in Bac) it is a whole new world. Boredom is not a sentence Ne, it is a post position in a way to learn to live differently. Boredom is a serious issue indeed, it is a another indication that our life is not quite right. To leave the excitement and stimulation of alcohol as a distraction is a major work. You mention your husband still "liking a drink" as an aside. Bullshit girlfriend, it is not an aside. It is a major complication in your quest for a sober life. It is not a "thing" that can be played around with. He is either with your quest or not. It has always seemed to me that he is not. Sorry Ne, I have lived with both an alcoholic and a non alcoholic so I am so aware of the difference. I so know who had the healthiest impact on my life.

As always, love to you.

Missy xxx

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Holy mother of all good things.

I feel like I've been on a written-word-sabbatical. Could not, would not, just didn't want to write anything. At all. Anywhere.
Some little thing inside broke loose a bit and now I can't think about doing anything but writing. (Not sure what. It doesn't usually matter. It's kind of like [for those of you who are readers] reading the back of a cereal box because there's nothing to read over breakfast. Or the same book you just finished because you can't find anything else to read in the house. Anyway...)

So. I won't pour it all out here, but there's lots to respond to. From the top (or the bottom, depending on how you set up your thread-feed):

Missy, hiya sister. I hear you loud and clear. The thing is, it is nothing even remotely like that. I am eternally grateful for that fact, but I have to tell you (and everyone else who stops by) that the idea that Ed holds me back (from anything) fills me with a bit of mirth. I can't even get defensive about it. It's that feckin' funny. So suffice it to say, I am one lucky broad. The things he says, does, just about everything about him, champions me and us. Our relationship is a gift I didn't earn and don't deserve, but I'll take it. And even take it for granted most of the time.

This last weekend we celebrated 10 years of marriage. Much of which was not much to write about, honestly. And I definitely got sober wondering if we were together simply because we both had the same disease. I was absolutely convinced we were headed for divorce. The thought would shame me now (as would some of my behavior just prior to) if we weren't rock solid and on the same page. That page essentially details all of the reasons that what happened before was absolutely Before Now. It is simply irrelevant in almost any way that matters. Amazing. Except for a couple of very important things: We made it through it together. That's astounding. We're free now, and act based on that fact. Also mind-boggling.

I could go on but I am reluctant to gush. (More than I have, obviously.)

All that is not to say that it's peaches and cream, sunshine and rainbows... Nope. It just turned out to be a good solid relationship that we could build on. He credits me for saving his life, much as I credit the ones here who went before me. (And Ameisen of course.) While I expect nothing in return (and he offers nothing based on that fact) he continues to give me...every damn thing I dream up.

egad. Not at all what I meant to write about, or wanted to say. But there it is, and I'll post it for a while at least.

Power on. This other side of life (the one that looks so scary) is absolutely worth every moment of flat-out-fear. jk...fighting for it.
xo Missy (et al.)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

missyabby1;1501564 wrote: You mention your husband still "liking a drink" as an aside. Bullshit girlfriend, it is not an aside. It is a major complication in your quest for a sober life. It is not a "thing" that can be played around with. He is either with your quest or not. It has always seemed to me that he is not. Sorry Ne, I have lived with both an alcoholic and a non alcoholic so I am so aware of the difference. I so know who had the healthiest impact on my life.

As always, love to you.

Missy xxx

Hiya Missy! My husband is...amazing. I don't know how I got so lucky. Really. He supports me in absolutely every thing I do. He looks for ways to make my life easier. More than that, though, he works hard both at his job and at home, so that we can reach our goals.

We just celebrated our 10th anniversary last weekend. It is astounding that we made it to 10. After our first year of marriage, we separated. I went to rehab, and he moved into a sober house for men. When I got out I moved in with my aunt and uncle and then into an apartment of my own (which he paid for) where I promptly started drinking daily again. He stayed in the Oxford house, completely sober, sharing a room with a stranger, for a year.

During that time we dated, really for the first time. Our dates, usually spending the day and evenings together, were always sober. Generally he went home to the Oxford house, because the rules there dictated that he could only spend a certain number of nights out overnight. I went home and drank. Secretly. Even from him. (Though he said after the fact that he knew.)

Eventually he moved into the tiny little apartment with me. That lasted about 3 months. We separated again. I think he moved back into the Oxford house for a short time. (I can't remember exactly. So much I can't remember!) I found another small apartment down the street, a much nicer place, and moved into that. He moved into the one I was living in. We lived like that for another year, down the street from one another, seeing each other several times a week, dating, always sober. Until we got home.

After about a year we moved in together again. We drank daily, and generally waffled between relatively contented and abject misery. He was initially supportive of my attempts at baclofen. The side effects were so debilitating, though, that he lost faith in the medicine and in me. The year that it took me to get sober using baclofen was pretty brutal and I was convinced (not for the first time) that we were going to get divorced. And not for the first time, I started hiding money from him, and secretly figuring out a way to extricate myself with as much of our stuff as possible. (God, I can be such an awful person. I'm sorry Eric.)

Let's fast forward to the good part, okay? It's very painful to think about that time, and I am crying.

I reached indifference in Feb 2011. He didn't want to try baclofen, and told me that he had no interest in quitting drinking. We were doomed. As much as I tried to follow through on my plans to leave him, though, I couldn't do it.

A month later he called me into the room where he watched tv (we had separate rooms where we drank--together in the same apartment, apart in every other way) and told me that he wanted to try baclofen. He called Dr. Levin, got a prescription for baclofen and started the process. It took him about 4 months to reach indifference.

During that time I lost my job, and decided (with his support) to go back to school full time. Then he lost his job. He got another one promptly, (even in that economy!) with a substantial increase in pay, so I didn't have to worry about earning an income.

Since then, he has, we have, done amazing things together. With his help I've been able to focus almost completely on school and the effort has been rewarded. That means that in some weeks he works 60 hours a week, shops, cooks, cleans, and takes care of the dog. Just so I can study.

Yesterday shortly after we woke up, we went back to bed. Then got up and while I made breakfast, he started digging up the grass in the area where I want to plant a new garden. We had breakfast, I studied for two hours while he worked in the yard some more, and then he made lunch. We took a nap, got up, organized the garage together, then he installed a new door in our house.

Then we made dinner together. Then we made love again. Then we slept.

And the truth is that none of that really matters. What makes me feel like I've won the husband-lottery, found the perfect man (for me), achieved relationship nirvana, has nothing to do with any of that practical stuff.

The door that he installed yesterday? I bought one, and then realized I wanted a different style. So we took it back and exchanged it for a different one. On the way home with the 2nd door, I suddenly realized I didn't want a black door, I wanted a white one. So we took back the second door and got a third. Granted, he was very annoyed. But he gets it, and me, so he just rolled his eyes. (Repeatedly. It was aggravating.) I do that kind of thing all the time.

When I wake up in the middle of the night and check to make sure that he's still breathing (something I used to do every night, but now only do when I'm very stressed) he wakes up to comfort me.

It took sobriety for me to realize that I can tell him anything and everything. And I do! (poor guy.) He finishes my sentences for me. Sympathizes when I need it. He calls me on my bull shit. Generally in gentle and thoughtful ways. Sometimes not though. Ha! He is the only effective anecdote I know of for my whirling-dervish-mind.

We are so much better together than we could ever be apart. I have no idea how I got so lucky. I don't know who or what to thank. But I thank you for bringing it up so that I can spend at least a little bit of time not taking this beautiful thing we've created for granted.

While I know that it may be hard for you to believe, Missy, it really is that good. I hope you'll find it too. It's out there. Most men, even alcoholic ones, are good men. Maybe not as good as the one I live with, but good.

Hope you are taking good care of yourself, sister. :l

[kronkcarr]

Progress thread for ne

Ne,

Thanks. I'm glad I saw this one.

[ifulovelife2]

Progress thread for ne

That was one of the best posts I have ever read on MWO. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

kronkcarr;1503385 wrote: Ne,

Thanks. I'm glad I saw this one.
You're welcome. I can say with complete honesty that it was my pleasure.

EDIT: While I can't get PMs anymore, I do get emails. krileyd at gmail. Or you can use the email feature on this website.

ifulovelife2;1503396 wrote: That was one of the best posts I have ever read on MWO. :l

mmm. I suspect that has a lot to do with where you are, and the fact that you are one of the many good ones. Regardless, thank you my friend. :l

[Colin]

Progress thread for ne

Ne,

Congratulations on getting your life back together. I wondered whether all the deletions of the earlier versions might have lost too much true information. I know how our memories can become very selective with age.

[TexasAg]

Progress thread for ne

:thanks: NE,

As usual, you post something that truly hits close to home. I admire and am inspired by you and your husband. Gives me hope!

:l:l

Cheers!