Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

omg. Soooo hungover. 800 mg of ibuprofen at 7am and then a return to bed. Threw up when I tried to brush my teeth. It's noon, they're still dirty. After a brief attempt at remaining vertical I'm going back to bed.

Clearly establishes my vote about whether or not you can drink to excess when indifferent. Given enough effort, and plenty of tequila it can be accomplished. Ouch. (I can't believe I used to feel like this all the time. And I did! I don't even think this one is particularly bad relatively speaking!! :upset

Would someone kindly bring me some mac and cheese? And a coke? Really any sustenance at all would be appreciated.

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1520631 wrote: omg. Soooo hungover. 800 mg of ibuprofen at 7am and then a return to bed. Threw up when I tried to brush my teeth. It's noon, they're still dirty. After a brief attempt at remaining vertical I'm going back to bed.

Clearly establishes my vote about whether or not you can drink to excess when indifferent. Given enough effort, and plenty of tequila it can be accomplished. Ouch. (I can't believe I used to feel like this all the time. And I did! I don't even think this one is particularly bad relatively speaking!! :upset

Would someone kindly bring me some mac and cheese? And a coke? Really any sustenance at all would be appreciated.

Ouch. Sorry to read about your woes. However, this sure helps remind me that I want to not drink at least one more day. Get well Ne.

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

Oh, no, Ne! I don't say that because of any worries about indifference or "falling off the wagon" or anything like that, but only because being hungover sucks.

I would bring you mac and cheese if I could. And some toast.

Hope you had fun last night though! (yay, tequila!)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks, guys. Yep. Another day lost to booze.

The irony is that I really, really wanted to get drunk because I've got too much going on, too many decisions, too much work, was feeling too vulnerable and just open to every and all things (especially the tragic stuff) in the world. Now I've got all that going on, physically I feel like crap, blew off my grandmother for lunch, and just want to crawl in a hole.

Booze sucks. What a bad decision that was.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

And one more thing:
My dog is a bit neurotic. Construction noise scares her. Our across-the-street-neighbors are building a shed. So Goose will not go outside by herself. It's a very sunny, very lovely day. I am exhibiting vampire-like symptoms today.

Sunglasses and a hat are no match for that summertime-shiny-happiness going on out there in the world today. I need a dimmer.

[kronkcarr]

Progress thread for ne

Ne,

Thanks for your latest posts. I'm glad you said why you got drunk. I was going to ask but probably in an email. Now I know what to look out for.

[joanna_d]

Progress thread for ne

oww sucks.. ain't no hole deep enough to crawl into huh...
i hope you're indulging yourself a bit today, juices and baths and pampering and stuff. :l

[ifulovelife2]

Progress thread for ne

joanna_d;1520723 wrote: i hope you're indulging yourself a bit today, juices and baths and pampering and stuff. :l

Lol, I don't! She indulged herself far too much last night. I hope she feels like crap all day and the memory lasts this time.

[joanna_d]

Progress thread for ne

i don't mean indulge like that. maybe it's the wrong english word. for me beating myself up never worked. only made it worse.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

kronkcarr;1520708 wrote: Ne,

Thanks for your latest posts. I'm glad you said why you got drunk. I was going to ask but probably in an email. Now I know what to look out for.

I've been doing a lot of heavy thinking (uh-oh) about the disease and my role in it and it's role in my life (double uh-oh). I'm reading Clean, a new book about it, and wow! It's a good one. But really effin' painful to get through. (For many reasons. It shines a light on the darkness. That hurts, still. It looks at the suffering that continues unabated, which makes me very sad and angry. It analyzes very succinctly all the fucked-upedness and hopelessness in current treatment. That makes me feel impotent and RAGE fills me. Which isn't a bad thing. But it's an awful lot of big emotion to carry around.)

Then I spent a couple of days with my parents preparing their house in the country for the impending arrival of my little brother. My uber-successful, very judgmental, with the perfect family, and gorgeous/perfect wife and more money than God herself, little brother. My parents are struggling right now. My brother has not (imo) stepped up to help them enough. Add to it that for some really strange reason, I want my brother's approval and love and acceptance more than any other human being in the world. This is not news to me. I mostly ignore it, because I don't get it. But those emotions make me feel really vulnerable, filled with insecurities and the ol' "I will never be okay or normal or anything good" from WAY back in adolescence rears up and rips it's way into my psyche. (wtf, mind? Let it go already! It was a hundred years ago ffs.)

So I was driving down a country highway on Sunday morning to get some smokes before my dad woke up ('cause heaven forbid I run out while I'm there. I'm likely to create emotional chaos!!) and I passed a dead deer on the side of the road. It was just half a deer, actually. The top half. Then a few hundred feet on there was a dead red fox, curled up on the side of the road and looking like it was sleeping. Just past the poor fox was a raccoon, on it's back, in the middle of the highway. There were three large birds gorging on it's belly. As I slowed the car one of the birds spread it's enormous wings and, as though it was in slow motion, lifted into the air. It was an young bald eagle. It was also a poem in motion. After each of these, my heart broke a little. But the telling thing, the thing that told me I was not in a good head-space, is that I took these things as signs that all was not okay with the world. That the world is a terrible, scary place, and that we (humans) are terrible creatures. While that may be true in some ways, it's not THE truth.

Another indication that things are awry (in a small way) in the World of Ne is that my thoughts are running to worst-case-scenarios (very, very unlikely WCSs) for all sorts of things. When my father, who was in a different room, didn't answer my shouted question, I thought, "Maybe he's had a heart attack." I had to stop what I was doing and go check. I was actually annoyed that he was fine, and that he just hadn't heard me. When I think about the future, I find myself planning for apocalyptic versions of it. For instance, I am very likely to get a B in the class I'm currently taking. But what that feels like is Failure, with a capital F. And I am very anxious about the fact that I have not gotten a life insurance policy for my husband. If he dies, I am screwed without the oodles of money that life insurance will provide. (I mean, I would hate it if he died. But the fact that I will be financially destitute would be...devastating. Again, wtf, mind? As if I would care, could care, about that if that were to happen.) So basically, everything felt...completely and overwhelmingly personal. And a lot of that is based on stuff that just isn't real...

So yeah, the drunkenness was just a matter of time and is a function of this thing we call anxiety. I'm pretty low on bac (80mg on most days, probably more like 60mg several days last week.) It may be too low. It may be time for me to learn how to manage these thoughts--though I know that they are a function of chemical imbalance. I know I can learn how to manage them. I also know bac "fixes" them for me. I won't go up until after I've had some blood tests to try to figure out what's going on with my energy level. (I'm guessing hypothyroid? But who knows...) I hate going to the doctor though and have been procrastinating it for months. Soon, though! Soon, dammit.

ifulovelife2;1520734 wrote: Lol, I don't! She indulged herself far too much last night. I hope she feels like crap all day and the memory lasts this time.
oh, god, me too. That the memory lasts. It's 6pm here and I'm just starting to feel human.

joanna_d;1520737 wrote: i don't mean indulge like that. maybe it's the wrong english word. for me beating myself up never worked. only made it worse.

Nah, you used it just right, Jo. I've been uber-gentle with myself, I suppose. I tend to think of it as having the flu...lots of rest and fluids and mindless tv (or for me, internet) is what I suggest when it happens to other people. And that's what I've done. I'll be kicking myself tomorrow when I'm unprepared for what I need to do. But whatever. The world will not end. And if it does, finishing the questions for this class will not matter that much, now will it? Love the stuff coming from you! xxoo

Kronk and spirit, it happens. It's happened before, it would be nice if it didn't happen again. But whether I drink or not, I don't think has anything to do with whether or not I'm indifferent to alcohol. It was a choice. (A poor one, no doubt.) But I actually had to try. And in fact, I had to try a couple of different drinks in order to find one I could tolerate enough to drink enough! (Again, a shitty choice, and I don't mean to be going on about drinking for fear of scaring/scarring those that still are.) But tequila is...super yum and super effective at what it does. I really wish I'd stopped after just the two, but it almost felt like a challenge to see if I could obliterate all the crap on the screen crawl of my brain. Which it did not do. Ah well. Next time, take a run, Ne. Works better, I bet.

If you've made it this far, apologies for the tome. Cheers peeps.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1520795 wrote: It may be time for me to learn how to manage these thoughts--though I know that they are a function of chemical imbalance. I know I can learn how to manage them. I also know bac "fixes" them for me.
I'm not actually anywhere close to sure that I can learn how to manage them, these anxiety-based irrational thoughts I have. I recognize them now, I see them for what they are even in the moment, and yet I cannot control them or stop them from making my heart race a little bit faster, my alarm bells ringing even when nothing is wrong. I think that that's what bac does for me, actually. Gets rid of whatever it is that makes these thoughts automatically happen.

Ne/Neva Eva;1520795 wrote: I really wish I'd stopped after just the two,....

The Alcoholic's mantra: Let me stop after just two! :H But I could have and should have. That's the difference.

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

Hi NE

Our thought machines are great when they are good and they are hell when they misfire. (either highly creative or highly not creating). Thanks for post.

The childhood-sibling effect is real and long-lasting for many of us. All I ever wanted was for my older brother to just act like he thought I was a human being. I was always having to one up him in my own way. I never really knew he was less secure in himself than I was in my own skin. He went on to law school-did really well-remained the family favorite-and then died from a drug overdose at 39 y/o. I still want his approval-acceptance and it sucks -he was mean as hell -but I kind of know why.

I wish there were a little white pill that I could take to not only deal with my past family life, but one that would shut off/annihilate my head's resentment thought cycle. And we all know where resentments can lead us -or at least me- right back to the jug.

Lastly Ne -there is some-thing great for us like-minded folk to realize that we are all just human-beings on our own journeys and yet somehow, even in our own sufferings, we are still willing to reach out and help others. Just a thought.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1520795 wrote: I've been doing a lot of heavy thinking (uh-oh) about the disease and my role in it and it's role in my life (double uh-oh). I'm reading Clean, a new book about it, and wow! It's a good one. But really effin' painful to get through. (For many reasons. It shines a light on the darkness. That hurts, still. It looks at the suffering that continues unabated, which makes me very sad and angry. It analyzes very succinctly all the fucked-upedness and hopelessness in current treatment. That makes me feel impotent and RAGE fills me. Which isn't a bad thing. But it's an awful lot of big emotion to carry around.)

Then I spent a couple of days with my parents preparing their house in the country for the impending arrival of my little brother. My uber-successful, very judgmental, with the perfect family, and gorgeous/perfect wife and more money than God herself, little brother. My parents are struggling right now. My brother has not (imo) stepped up to help them enough. Add to it that for some really strange reason, I want my brother's approval and love and acceptance more than any other human being in the world. This is not news to me. I mostly ignore it, because I don't get it. But those emotions make me feel really vulnerable, filled with insecurities and the ol' "I will never be okay or normal or anything good" from WAY back in adolescence rears up and rips it's way into my psyche. (wtf, mind? Let it go already! It was a hundred years ago ffs.)

So I was driving down a country highway on Sunday morning to get some smokes before my dad woke up ('cause heaven forbid I run out while I'm there. I'm likely to create emotional chaos!!) and I passed a dead deer on the side of the road. It was just half a deer, actually. The top half. Then a few hundred feet on there was a dead red fox, curled up on the side of the road and looking like it was sleeping. Just past the poor fox was a raccoon, on it's back, in the middle of the highway. There were three large birds gorging on it's belly. As I slowed the car one of the birds spread it's enormous wings and, as though it was in slow motion, lifted into the air. It was an young bald eagle. It was also a poem in motion. After each of these, my heart broke a little. But the telling thing, the thing that told me I was not in a good head-space, is that I took these things as signs that all was not okay with the world. That the world is a terrible, scary place, and that we (humans) are terrible creatures. While that may be true in some ways, it's not THE truth.

Another indication that things are awry (in a small way) in the World of Ne is that my thoughts are running to worst-case-scenarios (very, very unlikely WCSs) for all sorts of things. When my father, who was in a different room, didn't answer my shouted question, I thought, "Maybe he's had a heart attack." I had to stop what I was doing and go check. I was actually annoyed that he was fine, and that he just hadn't heard me. When I think about the future, I find myself planning for apocalyptic versions of it. For instance, I am very likely to get a B in the class I'm currently taking. But what that feels like is Failure, with a capital F. And I am very anxious about the fact that I have not gotten a life insurance policy for my husband. If he dies, I am screwed without the oodles of money that life insurance will provide. (I mean, I would hate it if he died. But the fact that I will be financially destitute would be...devastating. Again, wtf, mind? As if I would care, could care, about that if that were to happen.) So basically, everything felt...completely and overwhelmingly personal. And a lot of that is based on stuff that just isn't real...

So yeah, the drunkenness was just a matter of time and is a function of this thing we call anxiety. I'm pretty low on bac (80mg on most days, probably more like 60mg several days last week.) It may be too low. It may be time for me to learn how to manage these thoughts--though I know that they are a function of chemical imbalance. I know I can learn how to manage them. I also know bac "fixes" them for me. I won't go up until after I've had some blood tests to try to figure out what's going on with my energy level. (I'm guessing hypothyroid? But who knows...) I hate going to the doctor though and have been procrastinating it for months. Soon, though! Soon, dammit.



oh, god, me too. That the memory lasts. It's 6pm here and I'm just starting to feel human.



Nah, you used it just right, Jo. I've been uber-gentle with myself, I suppose. I tend to think of it as having the flu...lots of rest and fluids and mindless tv (or for me, internet) is what I suggest when it happens to other people. And that's what I've done. I'll be kicking myself tomorrow when I'm unprepared for what I need to do. But whatever. The world will not end. And if it does, finishing the questions for this class will not matter that much, now will it? Love the stuff coming from you! xxoo

Kronk and spirit, it happens. It's happened before, it would be nice if it didn't happen again. But whether I drink or not, I don't think has anything to do with whether or not I'm indifferent to alcohol. It was a choice. (A poor one, no doubt.) But I actually had to try. And in fact, I had to try a couple of different drinks in order to find one I could tolerate enough to drink enough! (Again, a shitty choice, and I don't mean to be going on about drinking for fear of scaring/scarring those that still are.) But tequila is...super yum and super effective at what it does. I really wish I'd stopped after just the two, but it almost felt like a challenge to see if I could obliterate all the crap on the screen crawl of my brain. Which it did not do. Ah well. Next time, take a run, Ne. Works better, I bet.

If you've made it this far, apologies for the tome. Cheers peeps.
Good lord, I almost had to go get drunk! I mean that nicely.

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

Good AM NE and friends

NE Hi and good AM. HOPE YOU ARE GETTING SOME REST. It's 2am and I had BAC wakeup call. So, I will write or read for a couple of hours and then go back to sleep. Your thread woke me up...jk...lol...but I truly have been pondering your recent experiment. I had to watch some Ed Bacon-Eight Habits of Love- author -on you tube-lol and then decided to write this.

For me, I find it remarkable how I use to punish myself by abusing alcohol. In the back of my mind, I would almost think "well, I will show them -I will let alcohol abuse me before I let them do likewise. Alcohol will be my controller, not other humans.". Just what in the hell is going through my mind to have thoughts so irrational as these. Why in the world do I even need anything controlling me? Heck, why don't I just hand myself over to them and say here I am -kick the sh-- out of me before I do it myself with alcohol. This is what hit me when you talked about your dad and your brother. And as side note; how about the compassion and empathy you showed for something in the road. I think you show a lot of compassion here on MWO as well. Why do some truly compassionate people feel the need to kick ourselves in the ass?

I believe that some (if not all) of your readers are fortunate to have someone like you who is still willing to share WISDOM and EXPERIENCE. If you were not being honest with us, how could any us have the chance to learn. I will learn and more easily accept experience from a fellow Firewater par taker than from anyone else...period.. End of Story. I hate that you are going through the Fire part of Water now, but many of us are grateful that you let us know what awaits us should we not listen to your EXPERIENCE. (Oh, I think I read where you mentioned the drink occurs before the person actually takes a drink? -I am actually beginning to understand this concept)

PEACE.

[kronkcarr]

Progress thread for ne

Hey, Ne,

Wow! Where to start? I have so many thoughts and feelings about your post. My first thought is that I hope you don't delete this part of your thread. I so identify with it and I think many others will too. I went back at the start of your thread to read your journey and so much appears to have been deleted that I quit reading.

After starting bac I realized how sensitive I really am--like you are. I covered it all up with alcohol, sarcasm and cynicism. I realized that at times, maybe most times, I felt I could hardly stand being in the world. I covered my sadness, fear and pain with alcohol but it festered inside me. I wonder if this isn't true for others?

This morning I went to an endodontist because of an infection (with no symptoms) in a 10+ year old root canal. I got the news that I am, indeed, looking at $3,000+ in dental bills to fix the mess. I don't have the $$ to do it. I came out of their office and did what I usually do when shit sucks--blasted my radio and went speeding down the interstate. Fricking song playing was Aerosmith's Sweet Emotion! Most emotion for me was not so sweet. Anyway, I so get how you were feeling.

The dead animals--I hear you. During my 2nd or 3rd month on bac I was walking my dog and saw a freshly killed bunny on the road. Something made me carry it home (with my dog going nuts) and bury it. A week or so later it was a black snake and a bit after that a bird. So we have an animal cemetery outside our front window and we joke that I can only bring home animals that start with the letter B. That leaves a bear and a bobcat which aren't uncommon where we live (just illegal to possess).

I understand what you say about the continual information crawl in your head. I think you may be right that you need to up your bac a bit. From the first day I took bac it was like a blanket over all the crap running in my head. What a relief.

I hope today's better and thanks for provoking my thoughts. ❤