Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

hmmm.

Just saw my therapist for the first time in a while. She pointed out that I seemed irritable. (Her word.) And my sleep is maybe not so good. And food has always been a bit hard for me to eat, unless it's coated in chocolate and salt. There's some inertia which is bordering on deer-stuck-in-headlights behavior. Head-in-sand-ostrich is a better visual. The best is probably chick-under-covers-reading-reddit. From cover to cover, which, since it's the internet means it never ends. I love that.

So. Even though I'm quite sure that everything is just fine and whatever, I'm pretty sure (or at least my therapist seems to be pretty sure) that I've got some little-d depression going on. Maybe she'd call it big-D. All I know is that things are unravelling a little bit. It is beginning to feel like this tug/pull is on the wrong piece of yarn and this whole life thing is going to get some gaping holes as a result.

The thing is, I recognize this as normal. The feeling, the being, the space I'm inhabiting right now is a normal for me. And I don't feel like I think everything is bad or anything.

Anyway. Really, the reason I'm posting (because this has absolutely nothing to do with drinking at all) is because I want to find a blog space to inhabit for a while. No biggie, right? But I am unable to make a decision about where to start the blog. Which site? Aren't there like a trillion? It has to be a blog. Not because I have any interest in creating some sort of blog, but because writing in word doesn't have the same effect. For some reason, I MUST be connected to the interwebs in order to write. Weird, I know.

And I guess, ftor, because this is MWO, it's interesting to me that alcohol doesn't seem like any kind of a solution. I've tried. Not intentionally! But on several recent occasions I've had occasion to drink, and thought it might be fun to drink to excess, and it holds no appeal. Plus it just doesn't work out that way. (Even now, in this moment, it seems like it would be a fun/different thing to have a drink or two, but blech. It's 3:00 in the afternoon and that doesn't sound good or fun or anything at all. It doesn't even seem like it would be a relief from this pretty uncomfortable space I'm in. That's promising, isn't it? I'm still taking bac, of course. 70 mg/day, and have been for maybe a month or so. Who knows? The ADD is O-F-F the charts, too. Time and distance are only very relative when that little mind-fuck kicks in. So it may be a month or 6 weeks, or it may only be 2 weeks. I'm only going down 10 mg/mo or so [not sure] so this new development isn't related to that, and it isn't so new maybe.)

Alright. I really, really need to write. So any suggestions for blog-space? Does it matter? Can I just start writing or do I have to do fancy internet hoodoo-voodoo?

Help would be really, greatly, hugely appreciated.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

A year ago...

So. I realized a little over an hour ago a year ago, after the event he was at today, my husband got so drunk he couldn't see. Didn't stop him from driving, though.

He finally answered the phone, while driving, and I convinced him to pull over. He had no idea where he was, but using GPS and because he stopped at an intersection with a street sign, I was able to find him. (I credit blind luck, and divine intervention, honestly.)

Once again, he's out with his buddies from work (including his alcoholic boss) and not answering his phone.

I promised myself that night that if it ever happened again, we were through. I will not live like that anymore. If he dies, or gets hurt, or ends up in jail tonight I'm going to fucking kill him. I hate being this scared, this angry, this...desperate. I am so scared. And if he is not any of those things, if he's not drinking excessively, if everything works out okay, I think I'm going to fucking kill him for putting me through this. Again.

Please God let it all be okay. Being married to an alcoholic sometimes really sucks. Especially one that doesn't drink and then drinks.

[terryk]

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:l -tk

[Lo0p]

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:h

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

You guys have no idea what it means to me that you're there and that you posted. Thank you.

He's home. I called/texted people he works with until someone answered the phone and said that I needed to talk to him because my grandmother was in the hospital. (They're all at the bar together.) Then I called him for the umpteenth time. He texted back that he couldn't call me and would call me later. Then, finally, he called. I finally got him to tell me where he was when I told him I thought my grandmother was going to die.

We drove home in silence, though he asked me half a dozen times where we were going. I told him to rest and that I would wake him if we needed to go somewhere.

I have no idea what I'm going to do about it all. I can't believe that after all we've been through, he would do it again. I can't believe we used to live like this.

Love to you both. Thank you for being there. Again. :l :h

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Glad it worked out ok.

[Lo0p]

Progress thread for ne

I have a couple of suggestions that I personally have deemed real and helpful. They came from advice I didn't mean to give to people I know. They were on HDB, had problems similar to this and they were resolved.

Call me. The sooner the better. It's 3:36 my time.

[Xadrian]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1580071 wrote: I have no idea what I'm going to do about it all. I can't believe that after all we've been through, he would do it again. I can't believe we used to live like this.

I don't know your personal life or relational problems, but I know this:

Since I'm cured from alcoholism, I would like my wife to change some of her habits that make me feel bad.
She already had those habits before I was cure and it made me feel bad in those days too.

But if she didn't leave me because of my worst habit, which was drinking and she "accepted" it for over 10 years, who would I be to say to her I will leave her if she doesn't change her habits right away?

Sure, some things have to change eventually, but old habits mostly won't change overnight. It's a slow process.

I don't know if your husband is drinking alcoholically (if so, he has a disease he can't help, you know that) or only at social events and surely he has to stop driving drunk right away (maybe you can agree to bring him and pick him up afterwards?), but he "accepted" a lot from you too when you were an alcoholic, without killing you and hopefully without threatening to leave you.

Don't blame me for give you some advice un-called for, but all I want to say: Give the man some credit, talk about it and work on some way to change some of his bad habits you think you can't accept any longer (and maybe some of yours too? There might be some you don't know that bother him)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

X, you hit the nail on the head, in a way. Part of our strength as a couple is that we have been through the hell of each other's active addiction. Waking up from that, moving on together from bondage to freedom, forged our relationship into rock-solid-steel.

But he didn't call me. It's not that he got drunk. I mean, it's not a healthy behavior, but we don't drink alcoholically anymore and haven't for years. If he had called me and said that he was going to tie one on with the work people, and that he'd take a cab home, I still would have worried, but I wouldn't have worried that it was a matter of life and death. And it was. It is a matter of life and death when he drinks like that. (Doing shots of liquor with the boys when they're acting all macho.) It's not just driving, either, though obviously that is a huge HUGE danger.

I filled him in on what happened because he doesn't remember. Then I told him how it made me feel...That I was scared and desperate and heartbroken with worry. That I felt like a babysitter and a shrew for trying to make sure he was okay. That it all could have been avoided with better judgment and communication. A simple phone call, for God's sake.

I will never be able to trust him when he goes out without me. Never. Because he's consistently endangered himself and our life together. I don't know how he can live like that. I definitely don't want to live like that.

I trust him implicitly to never hurt, harm or disrespect me. With this exception. I don't know if the exception is something we can live with. If the issue was related to him cheating, for instance, would I be willing to live with that? Even once? Maybe once...Accidents happen. But twice? Nope. Twice is too much. He KNOWS that.

We'll see.

EPB, I was asleep soon after we got home. I'll call ya' later. Thanks. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

A good walk with the dog and some breakfast, not to mention my husband's abject misery, has given me a little bit of perspective.

I'm not going to leave him and take everything and anything leaving him with a hole in his heart and his bank account. I'm very relieved about that.

I can't even stay angry, honestly. He's too miserable. But dammit. I still want to strangle him and other than making him breakfast, I'm not going to be nice to him for...an unspecified amount of time.

And seriously, guys, what to do about the lack of communication? It's not just last night, though that makes it all glaringly apparent. I don't want to feel like a harpy. It makes me want to just ignore him, and that's not good.

[Xadrian]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1580440 wrote: And seriously, guys, what to do about the lack of communication? It's not just last night, though that makes it all glaringly apparent. I don't want to feel like a harpy. It makes me want to just ignore him, and that's not good.

After him receiving video, but no audio for the time you choose, you guys really NEED to talk.
Maybe a weekly conversation would be an idea?
I know from experience, it's difficult in the beginning, but believe me, it's worth it.
You have to know from each other what's going on in your minds and what keeps you busy, before it's too late to turn around.

[StuckinLA]

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:l

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

Communication -I have been married to the same person for 29 years. She never drank but she put up with my misery. I never mistreated her in any way -except, when I was drinking I did not want to tell her, even though she knew and I knew she knew. Too much shame. I was doing something that was killing me and we both knew it. I did not want to communicate when drinking. Our love for each other would not allow us to accept the reality of what was really going on. Both you and your husband know how deadly the alcohol game is -except it is no game. This makes communication very difficult, if not impossible. Sounds like you both have huge hearts and a lot of love for each other. However, if someone is ruled by alcohol -even for a brief period of time, well, we all know who/what takes precedent. Sorry you are having this experience.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Man, this communication thing... my wife keeps going on about it as well. Personally I'm not convinced, but that's probably because I'm a poor communicator. That's what I get told anyway...

Ne, I know we approach this sort of thing from the opposite side of the mountain, but what actually happened here? He went out, got pissed and didn't call to tell you? And then drove. Look, I'm not judging, and I don't have all the facts, but can't you take a measure of solace out of the fact that what seems to an outsider a relatively minor incident is now cause for deep angst? Doesn't it just show how good shit has got?

As always, if I have got the wrong end of the stick here, which often happens (I think the stick is often loaded), I apologise.

[Wine-no!]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Ne

I can totally understand why you were so angry. There's no excuse for not at least calling and also for driving whilst drunk.

Has he now said that he will call you in future and will not drive? If so, that's progress at least.

I hope you guys can work it out. The problem with alcohol is there is so much shame that goes with it which leads to defensiveness too. X