Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Ah, Lis. I just read through some of that thread. It makes me so nostalgic.

There's a bit of information in there somewhere...but it's like all the other threads and jumbled about with lots of posts about other stuff. Sorry about that.

The big things (I think) are learning how to use the search features and the edit features. (As you know! :H) They're not particularly intuitive, but if you go a little bit deeper than the surface, you'll find ways to simplify it. I'd offer suggestions, but I don't really remember what made it difficult. (But don't worry, I know it is a pain in the foot. I do remember being completely overwhelmed.) (I also thought it was all for the purpose of stealing my identity and all my non-existent monies. :H)

[Lostinspace]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks so much for that, Ne! I've only gotten through a few pages, but I already learned a few tricks that I didn't know and need to try playing around with. It can be a little daunting to try to figure out how everything works. I'm not only new to MWO, but to online communities in general. This is the first one I've ever actually joined.

And :H about it all being for the purpose of stealing your identity and nonexistent monies. I remember Stuck posting something similar when he was going through paranoia, as a SE of bac.

As someone who always had a paranoid streak, I'm surprised I never came to the same conclusion. I don't remember all too well what I had to do to sign up here (I was still drinking a lot at the time), but I don't think I even gave a valid e-mail address. Sorry tee! I know you've brought up how this can cause problems, but I can assure you I'm not a spammer. Besides, if I were trying to advertise something on a site, I would at least make my messages intelligible. With most of these spammers, I can't even figure out what product(s) they're trying to sell, let alone what they're saying about it.

And thanks for the encouragement, Ne. I'm often embarrassed by what I post here, sometimes right after posting. But I am trying to let go of that and let it all hang out, as you say. :l Although I did just learn how to delete posts, so hopefully I won't wuss out and start doing that TOO much. :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

What you post resonates. Resist edit. And definitely resist deleting! (omg. I know I'm not one to talk, but I have a love/hate relationship with that button.)

If you can do those two things, you'll appreciate it, but so will all the people who haven't decided to fight this fight yet. They're reading right now, and they don't want to hear from me. Just keep it in mind when you get really self-conscious...There is someone just like us reading and she might be where you were a couple of months ago. just sayin' sister...:l

[Lostinspace]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks for the reminder, Ne. But I would argue that people DO want to hear from you. (I've been lurking this site a long time. I "knew" you a lot longer than you've known me). I will, however, try to resist those edit and delete buttons, on behalf of the newcomer (or lurker). Although I have to say, most of the time that I edit my posts, it's because of misspellings, grammatical errors and the like. I'm really anal-retentive that way. Hope you have a great night! :l

[tee111]

Progress thread for ne

I remember the first time round posting on here back when I tried baclofen and naltrexone (different username), I used to probably delete the vast majority of my posts, usually because they were drunk posts and after reading them they made fuk all sense. But I think if you can resist the temptation and keep your posts up they become a cracking sort of diary of your journey in progress. Especially if your memory isn't great.

My memory is so bad its not even funny. I used to make fun of my grandmother because she would have went through 4 or 5 names before getting yours right. She had an excuse as she had 10 kids and about 40 grandkids, she was also a right old age. I'm doing it at 38 ffs and it's only 2 sisters I have to get right

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Lostinspace;1683466 wrote: Although I have to say, most of the time that I edit my posts, it's because of misspellings, grammatical errors and the like. I'm really anal-retentive that way. Hope you have a great night! :l
Especially since Stuck is reading! :H He was teaching English 101 the semester after I actually took it an realized how many mistakes I made. Now I don't care. He's got to be used to lousy grammar and such, as much time as he spends on the interwebs. ha! I had a really lovely day and night, thanks.

tee111;1683571 wrote: She had an excuse as she had 10 kids and about 40 grandkids, she was also a right old age. I'm doing it at 38 ffs and it's only 2 sisters I have to get right

:H
omg. I know. My mom is brilliant, but she's a scatterbrain. But she's got 10x the number of things I have going on and she's 20 years older. Doesn't bode well for my poor husband...
It takes me 3 tries to get out of the house on a good day. My old dog didn't even bother getting up until I yelled at her to come because she knew that the jingle of the leash was just the beginning of a long process to take a walk. The puppy doesn't know this yet and is driving me bananas.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I'm seriously, clinically, depressed. At this point, meeting a friend for coffee is tantamount to going to the dentist. Anything more demanding or onerous than that is akin to pulling my own teeth. Everything in my life is tainted with something negative, regardless of whether that reflects the reality of the situation. I've never been suicidal, but this is damn close to abject despair.

I've tried a variety of things over the last year to get over it, none of them with lasting success. A couple of them were really debilitating. As an example, I tried mirtazapine, which is touted as a wonder-drug around these parts for us baclofentists. Man, that was scary. The sleep was great and initially I thought it was going to work as well for me as it had for others here. But within two weeks I was passively suicidal for the first time in my life. Absolutely hopeless and full of despair. This side effect went away almost immediately after I stopped taking the drug. I tried, half-heartedly, a couple of other antidepressants, to no avail. I have other medicinal tools, too, but none of them is a long term solution. And believe it or not, I hate taking medications. Especially ones that make me feel wonky.

Exercise is a wonder-drug in and of itself, but it's impossible for me to accomplish when I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, much less something that is uncomfortable and affords absolutely no instant gratification. (If you're titrating up, though, and can find your way to exercise, I HIGHLY recommend it.)

Ed and I had a huge (for us) blowout two days ago. He's scared and angry about my inertia. Understandably so! I can't stand his resentment and passive-aggressive approach to dealing with it. I isolate even more, and figure it justifies my own feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.

There are two reasons I'm sharing this. The first is that I think it's important to note that I still haven't reverted to alcoholic drinking. My isolated experiences of drinking too much are excruciatingly painful in the form of hangovers. Despite the fact that it doesn't compare to what I used to drink! But also, it doesn't really bring any solace. Nothing does, unfortunately. (Or fortunately.)

The second reason is that Ed identified last fall as the time when things really started to fall apart. I didn't see it clearly until he mentioned it, but of course he's right. I dropped a couple of classes because they were a waste of time. I stopped trying to excel in school, and became willing to squeak by with a passing grade. By mid-spring of 2014, I was in a pickle with situations I'd created and things that were beyond my control. (Yet I don't really believe anything is truly beyond what we control. Anyway...)

All this time I'd been searching for a catalyst. There have been a lot of really negative things that have happened in the last year...Extreme stress related to school and life changes, chronic illness of a loved one, her death, dog's death...just to name a few. But they didn't line up as the catalyst. Ed's comment made it clear, though. In January 2013 I started titrating down from 160 mg. I titrated down about 10 mg per month, and was at 80 mg by August.

I've since titrated back up a bit, but now I'm going to go up even more to see if baclofen helps me get to the place where I can actually use the other tools that I know work for me. I'm not suggesting anyone take this as a reason or a license to increase their own baclofen dose. I am suggesting that it might indicate that baclofen does more than just treat the craving part of what addiction is. At least for me.

Hope it's a happy, healthy day peeps.

[Lostinspace]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Ne. I?m so sorry to hear you?ve been struggling your way through life like this for so long. Depression can be really hard to break free from once it has its claws in you. I?ve gone through a few very serious episodes of depression in the last couple decades myself, so I really feel for you.

And antidepressants, while a true godsend for some people, can create an even worse mindset in others. For me, they only made things a bigger nightmare. It seems like you?re another one who is better off without them (although it sounds like you already know this).

Please don?t let Ed?s reaction to you make you feel even more worthless and hopeless. Neither of those things is true, at all. Some people just have no idea how to handle these situations. He?s scared, as you say, and probably feels like he can just rouse you back into action by airing his resentments, not understanding that this only makes things much worse for people going through depression.

I?m glad you?ve been able to identify the downward titration of bac as the starting point for all of this. Bac definitely can work wonders for mental health, as well as deal with the cravings, for many people. Let us know how things are going for you as you go back up in dose.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. I know that trying to find the motivation to do things that can help, like getting some exercise, can feel like an impossible chore. But maybe you could try just getting out for a short walk to see if that helps. You don?t have to sweat yourself silly to get some benefit from physical activity, especially when you?re not moving much at all to begin with.

Sorry if this isn?t very helpful. I really hope things begin to even out for you soon. Hang in there. :l :l

[Xadrian]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1684031 wrote: I'm seriously, clinically, depressed. At this point, meeting a friend for coffee is tantamount to going to the dentist. Anything more demanding or onerous than that is akin to pulling my own teeth. Everything in my life is tainted with something negative, regardless of whether that reflects the reality of the situation. I've never been suicidal, but this is damn close to abject despair.

Hang on, girl.

I think I know the feeling. In my case, most of the times it lasts a day or sometimes two and then it gets better. Sometimes the next day I even wonder what could have made me feel so bad the day before.

It's just that the bucket is full. You reached the "switch", (which is of coarse a different switch than the bac-switch) and you want to give up and fight at the same time.
You want to get rid of that feeling, but you don't know how, because there are too many (in you view) huge and small problems piled up.
Even if you can get influence on some of the problems, you just want to give up, because you feel like you don't have the energy for it anymore.

I think I know that feeling all too well. As a matter of fact, I had that feeling for three days now and so far, it's still not getting better. Even getting some very good news yesterday, which solves one of my biggest problems, apparently could not change the way I feel.
I feel like the first one that will give me a smile today, is going to get it.

But also I know, the way I feel can be way better and I will have a clearer view on things.
Then I will see what I can do about the problems and try to solve the small ones at once and start to initiate solving the bigger ones.

For now, I just going to wait it out and do the things I can put myself to and probably like to to, but at my own pace. And if I want to do nothing, I will do nothing, because I have the right to. Today it's about ME and no one else. I like to call it positive egoism, because I know it's going to help me empty the bucket and get things at a row again.

You're not alone, girl and the world and life can be mean and cruel. But remember that the sun is more enjoyable after a few days of rain.

All the best. You will get over it, because you can and you have to.

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

Hang in there, Ne. You have been through a lot this past year, and things don't always need to line up for that one thing that "did" it - you know this, I know. And coming down on bac, even slowly, really messed me up for a while, and I hadn't been on it even a quarter as long as you've been at your maintenance dose. So that could have a big, big impact.

I have no advice, only (hopefully) support. Be gentle, give yourself permission to do whatever you want. Ice cream, or silly TV shows, or whatever might help until things turn around enough to get out for a walk with the puppy. Small things.

:l:l:l

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1684031 wrote: I'm seriously, clinically, depressed. At this point, meeting a friend for coffee is tantamount to going to the dentist. Anything more demanding or onerous than that is akin to pulling my own teeth. Everything in my life is tainted with something negative, regardless of whether that reflects the reality of the situation. I've never been suicidal, but this is damn close to abject despair.
.

Hi Ne
The most encouraging part of your post is that you are not willing to drink to get past or through the depression (we know that never works any way-even makes it worse).

I, like you, tried the anti-d route several times over. None ever helped -even made things worse. Exercise, better nutrition, and other stuff helped but I never "felt" like doing any of this "crap" either. Eventually, time seemed to cure most of the depression and then I would/will go to the opposite extreme (bipolar?) Who the hell knows and who really cares except the sufferer. You will survive this episode -just as you have done in the past. Your only difference will be in how you allow yourself to react to certain situations, but of course, you already know this.

Have you seen this TED video on depression? For me, it was quite moving. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3yqXeLJ0Kg

(Also, Wayne Dyer's newest book (lol-I have to buy the Audio version) : "I Can See Clearly Now"

Too many times Ne, people disperse depression as a weakness or failure in morality or general behavior to live, but to those of us that experience this significant malfunction in clarity and ability to operate, often times have no place to turn to get "real" help.

Ne, depression sucks out the arse, as you already know. I would almost bet it sucked to write this post, except for the fact that you knew beforehand that you were dealing with many that face this same problem. Again, you will get through this and back to defaming me -and that's ok with me. Just don't let the depression take you down to where you don't want to be.

What a great post regarding not drinking alcohol to help you through this crisis.

In Spirit

[Xadrian]

Progress thread for ne

spiritwolf333;1684182 wrote: Hi Ne ...................... In Spirit

Hey man, that's one of the first real supportive personal posts I see from you.
I really appreciate that.

A little more of this and a little less of the "other", if possible.

If there would be a "like" button, I would have clicked it for this post +++++


Ne, I hope you feel a little better.

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

Tnx X. I consider each of u my friends, regardless of our indifrences. It is damn near heartbreaking for me to read when any of us get into "real" real trouble. But again, thank you for the post and Peace to ya Ne.

[Cassander]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Ne,

I'm very sorry to hear you are feeling badly. You already know my prescriptions for good mental health and wellbeing, so I won't preach. But you also know depression is an illness and it is susceptible to medical care and treatment. How about going to see the doctor?

Best wishes,

Cass

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thank you, everyone.

I have a lot of tools that I wasn't able to use when I was a drunk. They're hard to put into play, but I'm pretty sure that's because my expectations aren't lining up with reality.

Lost in space, one of your posts on another thread reminded me that when I was getting well (and titrating up) I walked. A lot. Man, the moments I experienced while walking around my neighborhood at midnight, or dawn, were awesome. The middle of the afternoon, too. It filled me with hope. It also gave me a bunch of energy, and I started jogging just because it felt good. Then suddenly (after several months) I was running! I wore my old dog out. (That was a sad day, actually.) I even took pictures of my 'hood for people on here to see where I lived because suddenly I could see the beauty in everything. I started there, a couple of weeks ago. Then we got a 10 week old puppy and she's frightened of everything new, and besides that a one-block-walk wears her out. But she's crate trained now and I'm going to finish this post and head to the beach before the sun's all the way up.

Anyway...

Depression is an illness. I know that this isn't a function of a circumstance. It's a function of brain chemistry. (I've known that all along, I just didn't know what the hell to do about it. But I've not stopped trying yet.) I have seen a couple of doctors. The doctor thing is a quandary. I saw a pdoc (psychiatrist) that I hated, in no small part because he assumed I was a pill popper. I've seen two general practitioners. I got prescriptions from them. But I can't be honest about how much baclofen I take, and I can't take just any medication because of the baclofen. I also run a risk of having it on my "permanent record" that I take baclofen. In my soon-to-be profession, that could be a real liability. It's...a quandary. One that most of us face, I'm afraid.

I never made a decision not to drink alcoholically. It just doesn't work anymore. I'm sure that if it did, I'd be drinking. Baclofen works to treat alcoholism. Mine is in remission. (That's what my therapist calls it, "remission". I think that's pretty accurate.)

We had a nice day yesterday. Went to puppy kindergarten (!!!) then came home and did yard work together. I decided to invite our neighbor over, and he joined us while we ate, even though he'd already eaten. Our neighbor is one of us. He brews his own beer, believes the world is coming to an end and that big pharma is more than partly responsible. For all his wackiness, he is brilliant and fun, even when drinking. He proceeded to bring over a bottle of 18 year old scotch and I went to bed while he and Ed polished it off. (sigh)

It reminded me how much I love having people over, in my own space, for food and fun. So I'm going to start inviting random people to dinner again. (I used to do this pretty frequently.) For some reason, it's much easier to have them here then to go out.

And as for Ed, well, he's still on my list. The fact that he's going to be hungover and miserable all day today doesn't help matters. But tomorrow's another day. The blow out helped clear the air a little bit, and maybe we'll be able to start communicating again here shortly. In the meantime, grrrrrrrrr.

Thanks again, friends. xo