Progress thread for ne

[COSGringo]

Never a fan of naltrexone orally but I hear the shot (vivitrol) is better. At least that's coming from a counselor I once visited that ran a group meeting (non AA) that had a very open mind. Whatever worked, go for it as long as it's not worse than the problem.

I got sick of the baclofen routine myself but I have even bigger issues on my hands these days.

I would still say it's worth a shot since everyone is different. I had to hit indifference for me to have good days. Naltrexone could not provide that. Tons of baclofen is a real PITA.

When I realized I had to be hospitalized (spinal surgery) I really wanted to be off that. I thought I had to go back to baclofen but alcohol is not my big issue as of late. Just in rare spurts.

Good luck. Glad the family scene is well.

[guapo]

I ran across this thread while noodling about the site.

Great success has come to me with oral Naltrexone reversing my love affair with alcohol, into rarely drinking anything.

That being said, the bulk of the improvement, came from utilizing commonsense strategies like urge and portion control and not drinking idiotically.

Apparently baclofen is a great solution, but it involves taking a large dose of the medication every day. I probably take Naltrexone on three times a month, on the rare occasions I decide to have a drink.

Best of all, the solution has taken me from wanting to drink all the time, to essentially never wanting to drink, which is a pretty good outcome in my opinion.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hello all.

I really appreciate the people who have reached out. Sorry I haven't responded. I'm huddled in my little corner of the world trying to recover from crippling depression and anxiety. It makes it feel impossible to reach out to other human beings.

This woman describes it better than I ever could, and is funny to boot.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

The good news is that I started seeing an amazing psychiatrist about a month ago, and I'm hopeful. That's new, and a real relief. I was beginning to think that there wasn't any hope of getting and staying well. That's changed. And this woman gets it. She has basically dismissed all of the things I thought were wrong with me (ADHD among others) and has identified anxiety as the key. And also pretty quickly pinpointed the things that were turning points in my life. It's very interesting, to boot.

Anyway. Just a quick update from me. I'll be back again, eventually. Thanks again for thinking of me and reaching out. I'll also return those emails. Eventually. Sorry (again) for the delay.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Also, I haven't told her anything about drinking or baclofen. But I think I trust her enough to tell her next week. We'll see. I don't want things to change, but I feel like I have to fill in the blanks in my life story...Just because I want her to know. Not because it has come up as particularly relevant.

The impetus was the fact that she said that she found coffee "anesthetizes" her feelings a little bit. Makes her a little less connected to the world. I showed up to out appointment with a ginormous coffee. And she asked me if I smoked. She suggested that those two things might be helping anesthetize the feelings I'm not dealing with. Little does she know that there is a much more efficient anesthetic in my life. ha! So it feels like it's an opening to tell her the truth. Maybe.

[dundrinkn]

Hi Ne,
So sorry you're having such a crap time of it. I don't have any words of wisdom, other than that.
DD

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hi Ne,
So sorry you're having such a crap time of it. I don't have any words of wisdom, other than that.
DD

No words of wisdom needed, it's just nice to hear from you.

If it doesn't kill me it makes me...whatever. ha.

I do think things are looking up. Thanks, DD.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

From the other thread:

So I'm a fucking mess. Depression for a year (or more? Definitely more.) And then school anxiety culminated in the fact that I medically withdrew from my last class TWO FUCKING WEEKS before I graduated. I wasn't going to get the work done, so I would have failed if I hadn't dropped. One last class, people, and I couldn't pull it off. But that's not the worst of it. The worst is that I have hit a wall. Or built a bunch of them so that I can wall out all feelings. (This is something I've realized over the course of the last couple of months of therapy. Definitely didn't know I was escaping, or that what I'm doing is called that. Which makes perfect sense, of course, but it's impossible to see things when you're in the middle of them. I just thought I was...bored. And depressed.)

I read voraciously. Like, 12 hours a day. The Washington Post and the New York Times, when I bother checking in with the world. But mostly sci fi or fantasy novels. The kind that are 1000 pages long and have 6 or more books in the series. (It's called epic, and world-builders, for those of you who haven't found the joys of completely disappearing into some other worlds where good vs evil happens and good stuff wins...)

I rediscovered the joys (or rather the disappointments) in the bottom of a bottle, and am titrating up because of it. I'll tell you what. Baclofen takes care of a bunch of stuff, but when I stopped taking care of myself (or became unable to) I needed much more baclofen than what I was taking.

I hate baclofen. I hate taking ALL the god damn pills, and I hate the dreadful side effects I experience, and I hate having to schedule my life around it because otherwise I forget. But I hate being a drunk worse. And the worst part is the whole titrating up thing. I keep trying to rush it, and I just can't.

I told my new-ish psychiatrist about the drinking this morning. That tale will have to wait for another day. Sorry for going on and on and on and on and on.

xxoo

[Ne/Neva Eva]

You know what else is really annoying about baclofen?

The fact that it works.

I can't even get my drunk on. I know that's the point of all of this. It's the point of everything, for me. But man, I would sorely like to get drunk today and I can't even stomach a couple of beers. pffft. Fucking baclofen.

[Lostinspace]

Ne - I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling so much. I didn’t get lost in sci fi or fantasy novels (I got lost in booze), but I, too, left grad school only a week before finals. I just couldn’t do it. That's when I got called out and was forced to leave (for obvious drunkenness). I know exactly what you mean. It’s terrible. I’m so sorry that’s where you’re at, and that you’ve rediscovered the “joys” of drinking. It really does suck. I don’t know what to say really, other than I hope you continue to work with your therapist to uncover what’s really going on so that you can fix it. In the meantime, have a bunch of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: I know how rough it is to get to the finish line, then not carry through because you just can’t. You can always fix this at a later date. For now, just focus on fixing you. Take care of yourself.

[StuckinLA]

Good lord, Ne, I am so sorry to hear you are struggling, sweetie. I had no idea, probably because I am a terrible friend and haven't kept up with you. Depression is awful, just freaking awful.

I wish I could have positive news or something that would help in any way. But I don't. All that cheerful crap from the other day? Well, yeah I poured out a bottle and got a couple days of pretty good writing, but hit another wall. Always another wall. Got drunk on Monday night, though I don't think the girl knew. She thought I was just kind of checked out when I got home after the hockey game. I had picked up a pint of whiskey on the way home and I hid that in my desk drawer. Slept like sh*t Tuesday night, had a rough day trying to get anything done yesterday, and decided to pick up a 6 pack for the game last night. Of course that pissed her off.

So anyway ended up drinking and finishing the whiskey and blacked out and I guess I keep telling her to move out whenever she talks about anything related to drinking or our relationship. I don't actually want that. I feel so trapped by so many things and incapable of finishing anything or supporting myself and I want the f**k out of Los Angeles. But it's not fair to take it out on her. I don't think she and I are going to work out in the long run, but that doesn't mean I don't care about her, or feel bad that I dragged her across the country, or that she isn't one of my best friends going back years.

And all I can think about today, as I try to prep for the 6 hours of classes I'm teaching on Saturday, is when I'm going to walk down to the liquor store. Probably pretty soon. F**k everything today, just f**k it right in the a**. And we were going to have lunch together tomorrow, and she had some kind of post-birthday surprise planned for when I got done teaching Saturday. And instead I just went and f**ked it all up.

[Lostinspace]

Hey Stuck. As a small consolation, Happy Belated Birthday. I didn’t know it was your birthday recently. I know that doesn’t mean anything at this point. But I’m so sorry that you, too, are struggling so badly. Do you think you may have recrossed the line into physical addiction? Are you experiencing any withdrawal or is it all the mental obsession? In any case, I hope you still have some Ativan on you in case the worst happens when you next try to sober up.

Other than that, I really don’t know what to say other than I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. I know that for me, I have trouble giving up booze entirely even on high doses of bac. I know I would be a complete and total train wreck without it. I was until I tried it. Anyway, please hang in there. I know you haven’t found any medication cushion to make the journey any easier. But what you’ve done the last several days doesn’t have to define you. It will most certainly have an effect on reigniting those dreaded addiction pathways in your brain, but you can at least try to rewire your brain behaviorally by not drinking - which I know will take a long time to seem normal, and I’m not really sure what to say about how to ride that out, other than keep posting, keep trying, and keep trying to immerse yourself in other things (especially your writing - you get to write anything you want now!). The first week will be the hardest. After that, it will get easier and easier, with sharp spikes of difficulty here and there. Hang in there my friend :hug:

[kronkcarr]

Ne,

Thanks for your honesty. I'm sure your posts are help to many and maybe to you. It's good to have a reminder that it's not a done deal at any time. I hope you're feeling some relief.

[gratitude]

Hi NE

:happy2:
I don't know what possessed me to look up my old friend NE on the forums but here I am:welldone:
Man I'm sorry to hear you are suffering from depression and anxiety. I'm not much of a "things happen for a reason" kinda guy ( more of a " things happen and we make a reason" guy) but who knows? Back in the day when I first came to MWO I really suffered from anxiety too if you remember? God, it was awful and almost derailed my sobriety a few times. The only way I found to deal with it was massive cycling workouts... I mean 2,3,5 hours a day here in the mountains. And then I started meditating if you remember. Using the binaural beat meditation from centerpointe research. Well, I no longer ride that much but I still meditate an hour a day. I swear to you it works. It's weird I almost get high when I meditate. Like my brain is numb and it's wonderful. I think I've been using it for maybe 4 years now? It's a progressive program and I'm probably halfway through it. I know this sounds like an ad but it works for me. I originally found some studies on it when I was researching what kept people sober and I was desperate and willing to try anything. I can honestly say it's the best thing I've ever done for myself.
Anyway, enough of that. How is Ed? And the puppy? And the new house? That's how long it's been and I really miss you and everyone on MWO. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, MY FRIEND. grat

[gratitude]

Hey, if you want to try it I can send you the cd's if I can get the first ones from my brother.

[Guitarista]

Popping in to say hi Ne. Hope you're feeling better today. Wishing you happiness, health and a speedy track to where you want to be. Take care of yourself friend. G