Progress thread for ne

[dundrinkn]

Hi Ne. I am reading your posts but didn't have time to respond yesterday. Man, when you post it is so damn good! Thank you a million times.

Will send you good, loving, positive vibes for tonight. That is mighty brave of you. I have stuff in my relationship I have not come clean about as I fear it would damage what we have. I also have confessed before, and figured out after the fact that it did no real good but to make me feel less burdened. I am not saying that because I think that is the case in your situation. I will write soon about the lies I tell (sins of omission) but don't have time this morning. Just wanted to let you know that you weren't positing to a void. I am listening. Imagine a lot of folks are.

[dundrinkn]

Dang it. Got in too big a hurry and didn't explain something. What I meant by the whole to confess or not to confess conundrum -- in my situation what I was doing didn't have direct consequences on my partner. It didn't involve our finances and I hadn't put our relationship at risk through sex with strangers or anything like that. Though sex with strangers sounds fun (ha!). The hormone therapy has kicked my sex drive back about 20 years and I am loving that part of my life right now. Ok. My point is that if I felt I had put my partner at risk I would confess. Hopefully...:happy2:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

HA, Dun, I thought of you when I was posting about the money situation and the fact that Ed doesn't know. He's a 6, remember? Guess what y'all's basic desire is? "To find security and support." Basic fear? "Of having no support..."

So, he's trusted me for all these years, and let me explain further that he doesn't look at our accounts at all ever. I have a special file I keep updated with account numbers and passwords in case I drop dead. Seriously. I don't know if he'd know where our accounts are!

We've tried over the years to set up times to go over this stuff, just so he doesn't occasionally freak out and I don't feel overburdened. But it never really works out, and the system mostly seems to work for us.

Until now. So the issues are at the core of his needs: Security and trust in a support system. I don't need those things. Hell, I don't even care about those things in the way he does. This is really going to hurt him. Anyway. I don't lie to him anymore about anything ever. Which is not to say that he has to know about the couple of guys that I drunkenly swapped spit with when we first moved apart, you know? But money and all that jazz? Oh yeah.

So glad the sex has turned around for you! The antid's I'm on quashed it all, until I realized last week that if I don't take them before we have sexy time, I can still have loads of fun. It's a whole new world! So I can relate, yo.

And no worries about not responding. Not that I don't love a response, but I'm in "fundamental Ne's needs mode" and one of 'em is writing on here. Thanks for the nice words. <hugs>

[dundrinkn]

Oh shit. I forgot Ed was a six. I think maybe start the conversation by saying, something like "I want you to know that I have a plan already in place to fix what I messed up with our finances and everything is figured out and we're going to be o.k." Just a thought. Otherwise he might go into so much fear that he might not hear that part if it comes later. Just a thought...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Very good advice. Thanks. Will do just that.

Can I also add here that I am really pissed about having taken antabuse this morning? It's 11:37am, I've been craving booze since 10am, and I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I can't drink. But this is very uncomfortable. Oh well.

[StuckinLA]

Sex with strangers is all right, sometimes.

Well so I've been boozing this week - started when I was visiting my old college town over last weekend. It was a Friday night and all the students were out on the town. I was so pissed that I parked the rental car downtown - I wanted so badly to duck into a bar and hang out until my friend who was letting me stay with him got off work at midnight. Instead I picked up a 6 pack and sat next to the rental car in his parking lot. Ha.

Anyway the drinking is again putting stress on the relationship. Got too drunk Friday and Saturday. Yesterday I drank beers all afternoon but just sort of to maintain and come down slowly. Wasn't drunk at any point and the day went fairly well and we went to bed happy, watching tv and me giving her a shoulder massage.

But of course there's still tension and I'm not sure what all to do about it. I'm back to normal work this week, so day drinking is out of the question. Will probably pick up a few beers this evening, maybe, but with more an eye to kicking the withdrawal can down the road, ya know?

Classes suck, they are stressful, job market materials are due in another week or so and I'm so discouraged about academia and I don't even know if I want any of these jobs. I've been working working working on writing these damned cover letters and teaching statements and have done zero writing on anything I actually want to write. Blah blah complain.

Hope everyone is having a good start to the week. Hang in there, Ne.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thanks, Stuck. You hang in there, too. No question you're in difficult circumstances right now, but you will eventually be out of them. So there's that. I'm not really talking about the situation with your girlfriend, either. I'm talking about the limbo. Being in limbo is the worst. It does end, though, Stuck.

Ed's home and we're about to begin the big convo. <sigh> Big girl panties on. They're a little tight and cutting off circulation at the moment. But I'm pretty sure that once I don't have a huge secret I'm keeping from my husband, they will fit much better. Right? RIGHT???

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oh, and sex with strangers is universally better for men than it is for women. I have taken informal surveys about these things. One night stands are usually pretty lousy for us chicks. It just doesn't lead to good sex. Not that I would know about anything like that. Drunken, foolish angel that I was.

ha.

[Lostinspace]

Ne - Good luck with the big conversation!! I know you’re already having it (or had it), but I’m sending many positive vibes your way. It will all work out somehow.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thanks, again, everyone for the words of encouragement.

The conversation went much better than expected. Don't get me wrong, Ed said some things that really hurt my feelings. I think a big part of it is his innate pessimism. (Dun, he's such a 6!) He really thinks that he's going to have to take care of me, that I'm going to be like this, forever.

And of course, there was more hurtful stuff, but I don't feel like getting into it all here. In so many ways we are, as I mentioned, on the same page. But not about some things and this really illuminated a big disconnect.

I started the conversation just as you suggested, Dun. I think that helped a great deal. I guess at one point I said that I was worried that it would be the end of our relationship. Later on he asked me why I would think that, and I explained. He was really surprised. So apparently, he's not ready to discard me yet. Despite his anger, frustration, and the feeling that I will be a burden for the rest of our lives. I'm a lucky woman. (In a way. It's not good to be with someone who sees you as a burden. You know?)

The good news is that we talked through it so well, without any hysteria or drama. Unreal, given our history and the fact that according to all the experts, we shouldn't even be married still.

I realized that he needs to start regular, weekly therapy. He agreed. He doesn't have anyone to talk to about all this, not even a good friend. Not sure how we're going to pay for it, but whatever. This is more important.

I took 1/2 an antabuse yesterday morning, and boy did I regret it. Despite having a variety of anti-anxiety medications to ease the tension, and a couple of days of HDB, I craved booze all day. It SUUUUCKed. I can't believe I'm back in this sinking boat all over again.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I had problems getting this last post posted. Apparently it's a technical glitch. Make sure you copy your posts before you try to post them! That way you can just reload, paste, and post.

[Seagirl1]

Oh Ne, your words are so sad. "a burden" ffs. Looking after the accounts...a job for both? Someone who doesn't even know their own address (I remember this from long ago). Not going to "discard you". OMG do you realise what is going on here? Lucky woman? I really think that you don't think that. "He said hurtful things". I am actually seething now. How dare this person (any person) disrespect you in this way. Karen you deserve so much better then this. I am going to pm you with some websites that you really need to go to. You are seriously not on the page with someone (no matter who they are) thinking you are a burden. Loving, kind relationships are not made of this ugly stuff. Your life is your life and you don't need to feel a burden to anyone. You deserve to be loved, protected and cherished. You are falling back into the old way of coping with this crap and I think you know it. Once again, I will say it, you deserve so much better. There is a lot better place to be. I will also say having to take antabuse the morning after the "big talk" is something you need to look at?? Who really needs the "big talk" to really cement a relationship that is respectful , loving and kind? What I said in my previous post still stands. If our relationship with people starts out being a "booze fest" it is likely to continue ad infinitum, no matter what One of the two parties will always remember the "fun" they had and not want it to change. The only way out is to become "no contact". It is and it isn't about the alcohol Ne. There is a recently released book that says the opposite to addiction is connection (to people, community etc) . "Chasing the Scream". Havent read it yet but saw the author interviewed. Made sense to me. Love to you all here on MWO.

[dundrinkn]

The evening sounds rough. I will give you my opinion on what I "heard" from your post. I can also give you (perhaps) some insight into Ed that isn't damning (maybe). I am the breadwinner in our household, and my partner sometimes stretches us beyond where I am comfortable in terms of financial commitments. When I have been angry about this, I might have considered her a burden. I have done a lot of work on myself, and before I have an outburst where I say something super shitty, I try and pinpoint why I'm angry and discuss that. Like, "I know you feel like we need to do all this stuff to the house, but please slow down. I'm feeling really over commitment financially and it is stressing me out."

Don't know what you're feeling like today, but maybe start to bring up that the way he expressed his frustration was hurtful to you. And really now, if you are the one in charge of paying all the bills and managing the finances you have taken on way more than your fair share of duties there -- relieving him of the burden to have to grow and manage the household.

I certainly wouldn't jump to throwing the relationship away and it seems like there is much that you are aligned on. OK. Take care and check in soon.

Not sure if that's helpful.

[Lostinspace]

Ne - I’m glad the talk went better than expected, but I’m sorry you had to deal with whatever hurtful things he said to you. Please don’t let him make you feel like you are a burden. I had a little different take on what you wrote because I figured that he would say/insinuate that you’re a burden for the same reasons that my husband felt like I was a burden in the past - because I was depressed and drinking, and sometimes couldn’t take care of myself. If that’s the case, he’s blowing your recent depression and drinking way out of proportion in his mind. You’ve had a rough time the last several months, but that was after years of being free from alcoholism and actively engaging with life. And he’s missing out on the fact that things already ARE changing. You’re steadily improving and before you know it, the past several months will be a distant memory. I think it’s a great idea to have him talk to someone on a regular basis. It might help get him past his pessimism and be able to see things more clearly. (And I apologize if I’m way off base in my assumptions).

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thanks so much, friends. Interestingly, all three of you are right.

Seagirl, I hear you. And I understand your feelings. I often have the same reaction when I read about relationships on here. But it's deeper and more nuanced than the relatively brief description I've given here. Plus, in my depression, I am a burden! But Lis is right, he just can't see past the depression and that hurts my feelings. Plus it pisses me off! He forgets that I'm the fun one. (And I am.) And also that his life is so much more rich because of me (literally and figuratively), which it is. So there, Ed! pfffft. And I expressed those things, too.

At the same time, his feelings have validity. For about a year, and maybe more, he has been responsible for everything from the dishes to doing the laundry, to being the sole money-maker in the house. There were days and weeks when I stayed in pajamas, sometimes the same ones. And he would come home to the same dirty house, a drunk wife, who was doing nothing but reading hundreds of pages of novels (a day) and binge-smoking. (He quit two years ago.)

He didn't say them to be hurtful. Just the opposite. I'm really proud of him for expressing his feelings, as he is profoundly reluctant to do that. At the same time, he needs to stop focusing on the negative. Neither of us can live productive lives like that. I don't think that we will ever find something that we can't navigate, but who knows?

I took the antabuse not because of him, but because I promised my pdoc I wouldn't drink while I was taking this new medication. And because I'm tired of drinking. I didn't take any yesterday, and drank last night. But only like 4 beers! However, I forgot to take my last dose of baclofen, so only took 280mg yesterday. I drive myself crazy sometimes.

More later. I had a GREAT session with my pdoc yesterday and I can't wait to write about it. But I gotta run.

Thanks, again. You guys make my heart happy. And make me think. And are my cheerleaders. All of which I really need.