Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Not the only one. LIS and I will have the last laugh when all of you bozos get rounded up by the Facebook/NSA/SKYNET gestapo one day....

How the NSA & FBI made Facebook the perfect mass surveillance tool | VentureBeat | Social | by Harrison Weber

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DeepFace

Facebook founder called users "dumb fucks" for entrusting him with their private information.
-tk

Look, I'm old. We have very little money. There is nothing particularly intriguing or interesting about me. I don't break any laws anymore. Hell, I barely even break any rules. I have no political agenda because I think it would be a total waste of time because of point number 2...

So what're they going to round me up for?

Oh, and I'm no longer fertile. If you haven't read Margaret Atwood's The Handmaids Tale that will not make any sense.

Everytime I step outside of my bubble I'm convinced we're walking into a world of Minority Report and Back to the Future 2 or 3 (whichever one showed the guy turning everything into what looks like Las Vegas). (And yes, I know my pop culture references are both dated and moronic. Which furthers the point that I am no longer a threat to anyone.)

For all I know, you and Lis, however, might be super-secret covert agents with a fancy agenda that would save us all from our own idiocy. If that's the case, count me in and I'll attempt to delete my FB account. Which, from what I understand, cannot be done. (In fact, I had a friend from here so concerned about how public my account was that I attempted to make it private and could not even accomplish that. And I really can't be bothered. Ya' know?)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Speaking of deleting accounts:

Reggie, dammit, where did you go? I know you read my thread, at least if you're still checking in at all. You better join us on the new forum. grrrr.

[Rusty]

NE, dear friend,

I have not forgotten about you....give me until tomorrow to make a donation to the new forum. I'll support you any way I can.:love::hug: I miss Reggie, too. He treated me like gold.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

NE, dear friend,

I have not forgotten about you....give me until tomorrow to make a donation to the new forum. I'll support you any way I can.:love::hug: I miss Reggie, too. He treated me like gold.

THANK YOU, RUSTY. You really are a gem. Miss you down here. But it's a dirty sandbox to play in and has been for years.

Thanks for checking in!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I drank a bunch yesterday. I remember thinking that I wasn't going to write here (or anywhere) about drinking anymore because I feel like a fraud. Then I remembered way, way back in the day feeling the same inclination and also remembered that being honest and accountable and writing about it all helped me immensely. So here I am.

My first beer was at 10:30 in the morning. Ouch. Slowed down around noon after my second dose of bac, but somehow ended up drinking 8-10 beers, I think. I poured a glass of wine at one point, but couldn't drink it. It was immensely disgusting. The last time I got sober, the same thing happened. First I couldn't stand the taste of wine, and then I had to switch brands of beer...Until finally it all tasted and felt like shit, and then I just slowly forgot about it.

I've decided to get out of the house this weekend and go up and visit my parents in Maryland for Saturday night. I feel like I need to break the cycle I'm in, and getting away to the comfort of my parent's home is a start.

Peace out!

[Lizann]

I totally get the being disgusted by the taste of al. Strange isn't it? Certainly helpful.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I totally get the being disgusted by the taste of al. Strange isn't it? Certainly helpful.

It is. But I find a way around it, despite the fact that I don't want to drink.

Frankly, it feels very hypocritical to be setting up this new forum, and reaching out to people, when I'm still drinking against my will.

It's one of the reasons I'm going to keep posting about it here. I refuse to let myself feel ashamed, and I refuse to live a lie, ever again.

I know baclofen works. It know it's a combination of time and milligrams together. But it still sucks that I really, really want a drink and that drives me more than the fact that I really, really don't want to drink. The conflict is making me miserable, on top of the misery of drinking.

ugh.

[Rusty]

NE, Give NAL a shot, really. It DOES help with the cravings...I was surprised by the fact that I felt my cravings REALLY diminish, instantly, when I took it. Also, this might help you....it helped me so I will pass this along: I found after I started on Baclofen that it took away that compulsive urge to drink when I was angry, anxious or lonely...and it gave me the chance to think, "Am I REALLY craving the AL or is it something else, like I'm hungry and I'm craving NOURISHMENT." I found so often I was craving the nourishment and I felt better after I ate something healthy. I also used AL as a procrastination tool when I felt overwhelmed with the tasks I needed to accomplish and I dreaded doing them...or I was dreading a meeting with a client whom I knew to be combative. I drank to avoid a worst-case scenario that I played out in my head that never really ended up happening at all. My anxiety got the better of me, and I drank. Procrastination was a biggie for me, though. When I dreaded doing something unpleasant, I drank to avoid having to face the situation, which turned out to be far less egregious than the scenario I had drunkenly created in my head. Does this make sense? Maybe you're drinking because you are actually trying to avoid working on your resume....is the fear of being rejected by a hospital making you anxious? Just trying to help.:hug:

[dundrinkn]

OK fine. I'll post too. What the fuck ever...

I have been trying to pull up out of a downward spiral. Started when I went down too quickly on Baclofen to try and ease leg pain. I went down to 80 mg from where I'd switched at 100mg with the addition of a shit ton of Gabapentin. I had only been at that dose and switched for maybe 3 months. Looking back at what happened, here's what I see. I made it through Thanksgiving week where my ex got remarried. Not that I begrudge her this. I don't. But it was a YUGE church wedding with a communion and my kids participated. And it was full of so much excess in so many ways. I didn't want to be judging... but I was. But I kept going. For another few weeks.

Then my son was a complete ass to me and so I had a long talk with him. Which was good. And I still wasn't drinking. If you've ever tried to have a heart to heart with a 16 year old boy, you know that doing it sober was hard. But it was good. I told him I understood that he currently had more in common with his other mother and her new husband. That was code for -- I know mommy has a lot of money and can take you on great vacations and doesn't hold you accountable for your homework on a nightly basis like I do. Anyway, that eased tensions and our time together has been better since then. But still, it felt like I was losing my kids a little bit at a time. Part of that is natural -- they're growing up. I get that. But part of it felt like I had failed as a parent to really instill some values in them that weren't about "great vacations and big parties and fancy houses". Blah.

So I decided to get out of my comfort zone, and I booked a "real" vacation with my kids for the summer. Which I felt good about. But stressed because I don't really like to travel that much. Being that I'm basically agoraphobic and only doing what I absolutely have to to remain a fairly normal functioning human being. Then the company Christmas party came around. I didn't want to go (see above) but forced myself because I do like the people I work with and wanted try and socialize. I didn't plan to drink. But I did. Just two beers. But this was also the week that I spent every evening at my exes' house helping my son study for finals. Long story about why that went down that way versus being with me at my house, but it was to cut down on travel time and worry too about snowy roads etc. But that was it. I started drinking. Not just a wee bit, either. I went straight for vodka because I had lost the beer weight since quitting and didn't want to gain it back. Slippery slope man. Slippery slope. And I slid down it super fast.

A whole bunch of shit has transpired since. None of it due to my enormous alcohol consumption. But all of it quite stressful. My other child, the "good one", went off the rails and threw a party at my exes house on New Year's Eve. She was supposedly spending the night with a friend. I was the "in charge" adult, since my ex was with my son up at the "Mountain House" skiing. It took a week of my dogged detective work, but I figured out what had happened. Busted her, big time. Took a tremendous amount of grief from my ex. Dealt with all of it like a functioning adult. Appeared to be sober to everyone, even though I rarely have been. (And I wonder where my daughter got the skills to lie so well).

It has been three weeks now of "coming to jesus" sit downs and phone calls with my daughter and my ex. Looking at everything and trying to unravel it all enough to get her on track (which it seems we have), and keep my son from failing school (which is a constant battle due to a learning disability). Coaching/therapizing my ex for sometimes hours on end to try and get her to see past being hurt by our daughter and realize that this is par for the course of being a teenager. But my ex has a lot of baggage (thus she's my ex). But she is a good person and is capable of being a good parent. And we're making our way out of the wreckage.

So here I am. Except... I think I nearly drank myself to death the other evening. Which never happens on beer because you get too full before you reach THE DEATH level. But I was still drunk the next morning. And was super sick for two days. Wow. That was scary.

I have gone up on Baclofen -- up to 140mg. And I'm tapering on the vodka, because I'm a little frightened of having seizures and shit if I go cold turkey. And there there's what Ne said above ... about still drinking even though I don't want to...but I do want to... but I don't want to. WTF!!!

Can't wait to see this thrown in my face at a later date. Fuck it.

I was up at 4 am this morning, and my mind was trying desperately to unwind what had happened. And why. I was doing OK not drinking. Wasn't doing super. I have been exercising a wee bit. Which I know will help once I stop. But feeling kinda tired today (up at 4 am) and not to enthused about much. Guess that's all I have to report.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

NE, Give NAL a shot, really. ...

I also used AL as a procrastination tool when I felt overwhelmed with the tasks I needed to accomplish and I dreaded doing them...

Maybe you're drinking because you are actually trying to avoid working on your resume....is the fear of being rejected by a hospital making you anxious? Just trying to help.:hug:

Thanks so much Rusty. I quoted only parts of your post, but loved the whole thing.

I'm going to ask my pDoc for Nal tomorrow. She's offered it before, but I have always been determined to "show that baclofen works" on it's own. pffffft. Such ego in that. And also, I'm tired of waiting. Will get the Nal. Thank you for the extra push that will make it happen.

And yes! Procrastination. I'm not so much worried about rejection as two other things: My resume is proof of my former self and it hurts. Under-employment, burned bridges...You name it, if it's what an alcoholic resume looks like, it's on mine.

Plus, I don't really want to be a nurse. But that's a whole 'nother story. I wanted the education so I could understand the body and what was happening to me related to addiction and baclofen. (Back then, I had to use google to read the more technical research. It was really frustrating to not be able to figure stuff out without a dictionary and a bunch of studying on my own. Even then, some of it didn't make sense.)

I also want to be a health care provider to our tribe. I have it on VERY good authority that medical school (even if I could afford it and get in) is a really, really horrible way to go. So nursing it was/is. But floor nursing? ugh. That is a hard and often unrewarding job. I'm not cut out for it.

And then there's just the anxiety that comes along with drinking. It sucks. All the antidepressants and baclofen and everything else can't take care of alcohol-anxiety. You are so right about that...(on the other thread).

Thanks, my friend. xo

[Ne/Neva Eva]

OK fine. I'll post too. What the fuck ever...

lolol. It's about fucking time.

Slippery slope man. Slippery slope. And I slid down it super fast.

I feel your pain. I know I've mentioned this, but I avoid the liquor store. It's the only way I can get really drunk, and it HURTS.

Can't wait to see this thrown in my face at a later date. Fuck it.

I am going to whisper a silent plea (and a written one) that we can have some space for a little while, at least.

I was up at 4 am this morning, and my mind was trying desperately to unwind what had happened. And why. I was doing OK not drinking. Wasn't doing super. I have been exercising a wee bit. Which I know will help once I stop. But feeling kinda tired today (up at 4 am) and not to enthused about much. Guess that's all I have to report.

I don't think second guessing yourself at 4am is a particularly positive way to start the day, Dun. There's got to be a better way, at least. It will get better. I promise. Or hope, anyway. ha. I'm not one to be blowing sunshine up anyone's knickers these days.

Thanks for reporting in. I heart you. And your use of the word fuck. <3

PS. Also, sorry that you have teenagers. ha! I can't even BEGIN to imagine. You have been a remarkable grown up, and I, for one, am truly impressed.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Also, thanks so much, Dun. I know that wasn't easy. And I appreciate not being alone. That goes for everyone who posts...I really, really appreciate it.

[Spiritfree]

It is. But I find a way around it, despite the fact that I don't want to drink.

Frankly, it feels very hypocritical to be setting up this new forum, and reaching out to people, when I'm still drinking against my will.

It's one of the reasons I'm going to keep posting about it here. I refuse to let myself feel ashamed, and I refuse to live a lie, ever again.

I know baclofen works. It know it's a combination of time and milligrams together. But it still sucks that I really, really want a drink and that drives me more than the fact that I really, really don't want to drink. The conflict is making me miserable, on top of the misery of drinking. ugh.

Ne -your new forum may be the exact thing that pulls you up and out of your alcoholism. You are not being hypocritical or otherwise -you are being honest and you are pursuing something that will help you and others alike.

[YouKayBee]

Thanks so much Rusty. I quoted only parts of your post, but loved the whole thing.

I'm going to ask my pDoc for Nal tomorrow. She's offered it before, but I have always been determined to "show that baclofen works" on it's own. pffffft. Such ego in that. And also, I'm tired of waiting. Will get the Nal. Thank you for the extra push that will make it happen.

And yes! Procrastination. I'm not so much worried about rejection as two other things: My resume is proof of my former self and it hurts. Under-employment, burned bridges...You name it, if it's what an alcoholic resume looks like, it's on mine.

Plus, I don't really want to be a nurse. But that's a whole 'nother story. I wanted the education so I could understand the body and what was happening to me related to addiction and baclofen. (Back then, I had to use google to read the more technical research. It was really frustrating to not be able to figure stuff out without a dictionary and a bunch of studying on my own. Even then, some of it didn't make sense.)

I also want to be a health care provider to our tribe. I have it on VERY good authority that medical school (even if I could afford it and get in) is a really, really horrible way to go. So nursing it was/is. But floor nursing? ugh. That is a hard and often unrewarding job. I'm not cut out for it.

And then there's just the anxiety that comes along with drinking. It sucks. All the antidepressants and baclofen and everything else can't take care of alcohol-anxiety. You are so right about that...(on the other thread).

Thanks, my friend. xo

I'm so glad to have read this post.

[lex]

NE, your genuine, honest posts really move me. I feel much empathy. Keep 'em coming! lex