Progress thread for ne

[Stevo]

I hope that things look up for you soon Stuck.
Your goals and love for everyone on here are admirable.

I am coming to end of day 1 AAARGH,I hate the idea of counting days but I have to say that today hasn't been easy especially as the day went on.My cravings are extremely cunning and were filling my mind all types of excuses to go and get some beer but I didn't.

It will be nice to wake up tomorrow without a foggy haze,it will be the first time in over 2 weeks.

[StuckinLA]

But you fucking made it, Steveo. Count, don't count. But you've already crossed the biggest hurdle. You're on the other side and you know you don't need this shit.

[time2quit]

Trying to find the words to help....... I got Nothing. Im still not sure what to credit with my current success. Streek of Luck? IDK. I know I'm new here and barely know you guys but Believe I'm pulling for ya both and everyone else who is struggling. I know the struggle all to well. Take a gander at this song. Think it's pertinent to all of us here. Hope it helps.....

Lyrics: SufjanÂ*Stevens – Should Have Known Better Lyrics | Genius

[StuckinLA]

I know politics is verboten here, and I respect that. But I have been watching this video and crying all morning. If your are interested, you can check her facebook page or any of the news coverage, and see that the Sanders campaign wanted something different, but they gave her complete - complete - creative control:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Syln8IkOIqc

[dundrinkn]

I'm well into day 4 here. Feeling a bit better today. I was up again for half the night, but not hearing voices -- whew. Not interested at all in drinking. Not interested in much, but that's to be expected. I did go back to sleep this morning after breakfast and slept until 1. Strange days, my friends. Hope everyone hangs in there for another one. Whether it was an AF day today or not -- tomorrow offers the opportunity to make the choice all over again. I'm not making any decisions about tomorrow until then. Today I know my butt is sitting right here one the coach. Watching the birds -- I do have to refill the feeder. Those little guys ate a shit-load of seed today. It's my turn to do dishes. I did manage to save myself the hell of completely bailing out on valentines day and got a card and managed to throw some nice sentiment down on the page. This was a huge effort -- not because I'm not appreciative of my beloved. I just am so fuckin' exhausted and numb at the moment.

I've been thinking a lot about how it seems I show up so much more when I'm drinking. But that's because I have that barrier where I'm not really there. But when that barrier is gone, then so is the illusion that I'm present at all. It's a conundrum. I know that Ne for one advocates for being honest about drinking. But I've gone for nearly 20 years or more drinking (a lot) without anyone knowing. Hard to believe, I know. But it's true. And it has to do with this pattern. Maybe if I'm up again in the middle of the night tonight I'll write more about it. But suffice it to say, "coming clean" will not fix the pattern. There is something more here and it's about how I actually try and bring myself forward in an honest way that doesn't have anything to do with "confessing". I can confess. And I have before. But it never gets me out of the pattern. It's just the other side of it. But it's still part of the cycle. I don't know if any of that made sense. But it's staying in the polarity.

I've been reading the threads and keeping up. Seems like the collective pot has been stirred -- hopefully in a good way.

[lex]

dundrinkin- I do think you are on to something and i hope you do write more about it. lex

[Stevo]

Okay so I didn't wake up as clear headed as I had hoped but should have known better.

Glad you are going well Dun.

Hoping to get back into study today,it will be good to kill the time not to mention it has to be done.

I hope that everyone out there is well and a good day is had by all.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oh, man. I spent two hours today talking with my shrink about just that stuff, Dun. In fact, it's kind of eerie. Or maybe I'm reading my stuff into your stuff? I dunno.

Hiding the alcohol, hiding behind the alcohol...What's authentic?

And there's all this stuff going on with Ed and me that's just an undercurrent in our lives that is really stressful. Because I'm opting out right now and just not being present (or accountable).

Congrats on 4 days. That's amazing, man. I've got one day so far this week. That's all I'm sayin' about that.

Gotta run because Ed's on his way home and I'm going to try to be present and authentic. Or something.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Stuck, wth are you doing watching Bernie Sander's commercials? I mean, come on. Watch/read something, ANYTHING, happy. For me. Will you, please? A dumb movie. A silly book. Whatever. Spend 2 hours today NOT thinking about the end of the world as we know it or how fucked up politics is. PLEASE.

Love,
Me

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Cool tune, Time2. Thanks for sharing and for rooting us on.

[NoraC]

Ne - just checking in on you.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Morning, Nora. Thanks for stopping by. No new developments around here.

I'm still processing all of the experiences from my appointment with my therapist yesterday. It was good stuff, and deep, and hard.

I took my first naltrexone yesterday afternoon. I didn't drink much yesterday, but obviously I can't put that down to taking just 25mg of nal. I couldn't finish a beer, though. Sadly, I kept trying.

Tomorrow I have a very busy day, because I am having lunch with a friend and having dinner with a bunch of people from Ed's work. It's a marketing thing and wine tasting, so lots of booze will be had. But that also means I can't really drink the way I would normally--meaning starting in the early afternoon. I also won't be able to get drunk with dinner, since I'll have to drive home. I know those two things don't sound like a "very busy" day, but since leaving the house and being social is really taxing for me at the moment, it's a BIG day. lol. Also sad but true.

Spending today and Thursday working on the new forum because I feel like I'm way behind with all of the information that should be on there. It's all writing, though, and I love it. I am pretty sure it's one of the reasons I am uninterested in doing anything, because I really just want to be working on the new forum. When Ed got home last night and I had to turn the computer off so I could actually participate it was very annoying. But we had a nice time preparing and eating dinner together, so I'm glad I did it.

That's all folks! Hope it's a good day!

[dundrinkn]

Hello all. I know I should get on my own thread but I don't want to. So I'm not gonna. At least for today.

Here is the saddest part of my day today thus far. I have absolutely NO DESIRE TO DRINK. None. It has left me feeling devastated. I shit you not. I may have to go back to bed. Again.

[StuckinLA]

That was a hellish weekend bender. I woke up at 4 this morning and realized that I want to live, I want to have a life. Been on the binge/maintenance roller coaster too long now, and the morning drinking - even just a couple beers - has been creeping way to close to the drive to work. And ditching out of work as early as possible when I teach in the morning, so I can get to the bar at noon. Then it all just collapsed over the weekend and I did absolutely nothing. So the stacks of papers still need grading, and I am way - way - behind.

So at 4 in the morning I took the can of beer off the nightstand and poured it down the sink. Took a little ativan then, and a little more when the sun came up. I'm feeling shaky as all hell, waiting for the full milligram I just took to kick in. I'm hoping that gets me through the day, but I still have a little extra that I carry with me everywhere.

Unbelievably, I still have the love and support of my girl. We both know things can't go on like this - and I do believe she will leave me eventually, if I don't change. Not sure what my plan of attack is yet, except not to drink today.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hello all. I know I should get on my own thread but I don't want to. So I'm not gonna. At least for today.

Here is the saddest part of my day today thus far. I have absolutely NO DESIRE TO DRINK. None. It has left me feeling devastated. I shit you not. I may have to go back to bed. Again.

You can post wherever the hell you feel like it, Dun. Obviously.

Congrats! ??? Why are you devastated that you don't feel like drinking. I am very confused.

I woke up at 4 this morning and realized that I want to live, I want to have a life.

...

Unbelievably, I still have the love and support of my girl. We both know things can't go on like this - and I do believe she will leave me eventually, if I don't change. Not sure what my plan of attack is yet, except not to drink today.

Really glad to hear that, Stuck. Hope you have enough medicinal support to see you through the withdrawals for a couple of days.

That is wonderful news about your girlfriend, too. It still amazes me that Ed continues to stick by me no matter what. I shouldn't take that for granted as much as I do...I have no doubt that there are limits, even for him. I just can't imagine what they are! He has put up with WAY more than I ever would. (I think? Or do I just forget how bad he was? I will say, that back when he was drinking, right after I got sober in 2011, I was making plans to leave him because he told me he didn't want to quit drinking. Maybe that's the difference? There's no way I want to live like this. And you haven't given up fighting the beast, either. So maybe there is good reason to stick with us? My therapist reminded me to remind him [and to remember myself] that when things are better--meaning when I am better--things are really, really good.)

That's a really good plan of attack. I think mine is similar, though I don't want to talk about it because I am not ready to yet.

YOU hang in there. Just today. What did you say to me the other day that I really needed to hear? Ah, yes. There it is:

"You are a stronger person without it, you are a stronger person than it."

Hell to the yes. Rawr.