Progress thread for ne

[dundrinkn]

Stuck. So glad you woke up with the desire to live and that the girl is still there to support you. One foot in front of the other.

I felt no desire for anything earlier, Ne. That's what I meant. It is very unmooring to have lost that drive to get alcohol and drink it. Something else will come along and replace it. But right now, it is just a lot of nothingness. That's what I meant.

[Stevo]

So I drank again last night,not stupendous amounts but everything I had here.It has been so hot here and I couldn't face sitting in my cabin sweltering but at this stage I don't think that I would need much of an excuse.

Sorry to hear how you are feeling Dun.

Glad you want to live Stuck.

Good luck with the Nal Ne.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Dun, sorry sister! You know it's par for the course, right? Beginning sobriety is really hard to fathom and the brain is all kinds of fucked up so the mind isn't working right either.
I have to admit, I was just the opposite when I quit drinking in 2011. I was SO excited. Maybe it's because when I'm drinking I am so incapacitated. You guys have a lot more going on, much more the "functioning" alcoholic than I have ever been. For example, there's no way I could have hidden it for a week, much less 20 years. And man, I have lists of things I can't wait to do when the booze stops weighing me down. It feels like literal weight, too. Like I can't move.
Is there something you have really wanted to do? Or do you just need to sit in that place of malaise for a while? I dunno. There's nothing worse than someone telling you to get a goal, or to DO something, when it just ain't where you are. Sorry if that's the case here.

Stevo, no worries. Each day is new and we don't pass judgment here. I guarantee you the judgment you are feeling is enough for ten people. At least if it's anything like the way I feel when I just keep drinking.

Which brings us to me. I gotta tell you that it's REALLY hard to admit to and write about the fact that I'm still drinking. It's even embarrassing that I have to take SO MUCH baclofen, and that I've added Nal and take a bunch of antidepressants. I'm not sure why this is the case, that I feel badly about it. I mean, it is what it is, and I firmly believe in the biology of addiction and of depression. It's still mortifying to talk about it, though. Shame is a shitty thing, and I deny my mind's attempts to feel it, so I'll admit all this freely knowing it's the right thing to do. We shouldn't feel shame for being sick.

I started the nal two days ago. Makes me really nauseous. And yesterday, I got a headache in the afternoon that just would not die but felt like it was going to kill me. I drank 1/2 a beer early in the day and that was gross. I don't know if it's the nausea or if the nal is working already (on top of all the other stuff I'm taking) but whatever. I'll take it.

Today's not going to be AF because I've got the wine tasting to go to this evening. But the thought of drinking is downright disgusting. (Granted it's only 8am here.)

I've been thinking that my goal is to be AF on the weekends, when Ed is home. And I like that as a starter goal. But I think I might be AF tomorrow. I'm kind of looking forward to the idea. We'll see, though, no guarantees.

Still having trouble deciding between the gym and a yoga studio, btw. More on that another time.

Hang tough, peeps. I'm with you in thought and spirit.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Ugh. I have no interest in going to the dinner/wine tasting but Ed really wants me to go.

Interesting to not be interested in having a drink of any kind at almost 4:00 in the afternoon. Haven't taken any Nal today either. And I won't, because it makes me too sick and I won't be able to go out.

Still have headache.

Is anyone feeling sorry for me, or is it just me?

[Rusty]

Nal

Hi NE, you absolutely have to take the NAL with food or it will make you really sick. I used to take mine with Rob vegetables and ranch dip because it was always about 4 PM! hope this helps! Love, Rusty

[Rusty]

NE, I meant to say RAW vegetables. Yogurt probably be OK too.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - Sorry for the late response. I was so happy to read that you woke up with a will to live, and that you still have the love and support of your girl. I don’t know if you need a plan of attack just yet, other than the one you said. Hang in there, my friend.

dun - I’m sorry you’re feeling such a void right now. It’s still early days, though, and as Ne said, your body and mind are still healing from the removal of alcohol. It’s pretty normal (unfortunately) to feel depressed and empty when you first stop drinking. Maybe when you get back in your normal routine, it’ll be easier to find things to fill the nothingness. I hope the rest of your trip looks up from here (you are still there, right? I thought you said you were going for the week).

Stevo - I responded on your other thread, but ditto what Ne said.

Ne - Please don’t ever feel ashamed that you’re still drinking. We all take the road we do to get where we are. I stayed stagnant for the better part of a year before reaching indifference (although it’s my fault it took that long). I’m sorry the Nal is making you sick. I hope that side effect fades quickly, or maybe you need to start at a half dose? Sorry you have to go to the wine tasting. That’s rough for two reasons - having to go when you don’t want to drink, and being at your husband’s work function (with, I’m assuming, people you don’t know very well). That's pretty awesome that you don't want to drink, though! Good luck tonight.

[dundrinkn]

Howdy howdy. Day six, though I am making no promises that it will be a sober one. I am driving down to town tonight since my daughter (the delinquent) is getting honors at school tonight for good grades. I wasn't going to go, just because if I was on a "real" vacation, I wouldn't be able to do it, but then I she texted me twice about stupid things in the last 24 hours, and I realized it was because she was bummed that I wasn't going. So I'm going. And there is a liquor store right by the high school. And even though I really don't have any desire to drink, I'm not making any promises.

I live very close to a LOT of my family. I actually have good relationships with mother and my aunts, in particular. I have lots of first cousins, and they have kids and we see each other at least once month. They're a good group of folk.

I say all that because there have been a few developments in the last 24hours that are leaving me feeling a bit overwhelmed and... I dunno. My Aunt's husband isn't well, and the situation, while not immediately dire, is not good. Then my mother dropped a bit of a bomb that my step-dad most likely has lung cancer. Won't know for sure until next week, but it's all but certain. She's been keeping it to herself for the last 2 weeks since her sister's husband has been on the decline. Ugh. Anyway... I know we can't all live forever. But I'm just not quite prepared for this. But no one ever is. Whether you know it's coming or it's a surprise.

So that's all to report. Except I need to get bird seed from town as well.

Hang in there Stevo and Stuck. Gawd, I hate wine, Ne. Wonder if the Nal ruins the taste of alcohol. I remember that was one of the things that Topamax did for me with Beer. Also with seltzer water too, which was really tragic. I drink a ton of that stuff.

Thanks for the encouragement, Lis. I really, really wish I liked to get stoned. I hate it. Oh well. Guess that's probably for the best.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hi y'all.

So the wine tasting turned out to be more of a wine and dine affair. I actually REALLY like the people that Ed works with. One of the women, and her husband, are the couple that we had over a couple of weeks ago. And Ed's boss is one of our tribe, and one of the smartest, most interesting and most talkative people I've met in recent...years. So I'm totally comfortable around her, too.

It was nice. Everyone split pretty early but Ed's boss bought us dinner at the restaurant and we were there until 9pm because the food took foorrrrever. We actually had them box up the entrees because it took so damn long. At that point I was having trouble staying awake! But Ed and I had a REALLY great time together. That's so amazing, isn't it? In the midst of trials and tribulations, to have super-fun with your spouse? We like each other a lot. I am a lucky girl.

What else? THANK YOU RUSTY! That makes so much sense, of course, but I hadn't thought of it. Took a nal with a full bowl of yogurt about an hour ago, just in case. It still upset my stomach a bit, and it makes me feel a little woozy, but nothing I can't handle. I don't feel like drinking at all, anyway.

Dun, I'm glad you went to your daughter's function. Very funny that she's the "delinquent" when it's so clearly otherwise. Hope, for your sake, you resisted the liquor store. I wish I liked to get stoned, too. Though I'm relieved that I don't. I will admit (finally) that I've tried it 3 times in the last two weeks (Ed has some) and nope. It just doesn't do it for me. I mean, I don't want to drink, but I don't want to do anything else either. It's weird. No bueno for me.

Don't feel much like writing and have a ton of it to do for the forum, so signing off.

[dundrinkn]

Hello all. I didn't stop at the liquor store. Instead, I went to a little Whole Foods type grocery on the way home and bought vegan apple pie (it was the only thing they had left), vanilla gelato (got the gelato by mistake, meant to get the real thing), and organic gummy bears. The gummy bears were gone by the time I got home. I loaded the pie up with tons of butter and put it in the oven. I had a wicked headache from all the sugar, but woke up feeling better this morning.

It is such a strange thing -- to have no desire to drink but to still have to really wrangle my mind all the time about it. My mind is all the way to the liquor store and then when it gets to where I take a drink, I just don't want it. I'm eager for that piece to disconnect. I think it usually takes about 2 weeks for that to happen. If I'd just post in my own thread, I could keep track of things like that. Ugh. Oh well. Or if this site had a decent search function...

Guess that's it for now. Hope everyone is have a decent day of it.

[Rusty]

NE, you might try taking the NAL with a half of a sandwich...something with a little bulk. I so hope it works for you! Fingers and toes crossed!

[MeJustMe]

Now things are getting rocky for me. What is it, a full moon or something? I have had a slight craving the last few days, been feeling flat. I can't find my 75mg Effexor script but I think I'll ask the Chemist to give me a few days supply until I can get a script. I think I need to go up on the Bac too.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Lis, you are absolutely right about not feeling badly about how long it takes. You were really hard on yourself, and obviously still think you did something wrong! But it takes what it takes. It just sucks. I know you know...I'm definitely getting there, just not there yet.

Dun, that's really interesting. Would you call it indifference? Glad you made it to your daughters award ceremony and skipped the liquor store. The alternative sounds very reasonable. (SUGAR!!)

Rusty, You were in one of my dreams last night! Don't remember why. I had another dream that we got another dog and it was a yorkie. More of a nightmare really! I'm not into small dogs. We're hoping our next dog will be 100+/- pounds!
(Lots of dreams from the drugs, I guess, but probably also from drinking so little.)

I rarely eat during the day. It's something I'm working on. I munch when I get really hungry. But the yogurt really helped, so will do that again today. I'm kind of surprised that even at half a dose I feel like it's working. It could be the placebo effect--not that it matters! My pDoc and I joke about that, actually. Does it really matter if it's placebo or pill when it works? Hell no.

MJM, I'm sorry you're struggling. I meant to post on your thread yesterday and just ran out of steam (or rather words). Sounds like you have a good plan, though. Bump up the bac and see to the new dose of effexor! Soon! (I take Pristiq which is the newer version of Effexor, btw. I think it works pretty well.)

Are you doing anything else to keep busy/feel good? I'll check back on your thread to see your post from yesterday. Hang in there, my friend.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Morning, everyone.

I've got nothing exciting to report about yesterday.

I DO have a party to go to tonight. It's another thing associated with Ed's work, but this time it's a very posh fundraiser for a local theater group. I get to go to these things for free because of Ed and because the marketing/PR chick that sets them all up is the one we're friends with.

I'm VERY excited about it, even though it means I have to do my hair and change out of pajamas. Maybe I'll meet some really cool artsy people? I used to have a lot of artist friends and I don't anymore. Definitely missing from my life!

Hope you all have a good day!

[StuckinLA]

Just checking in. Been busy the last week, slowly trying to make up all the work I didn't do last weekend. Not drinking. It's hard the first few days, because you feel so damned bad and you know a couple drinks will make you feel better. But I held strong. And then a few days later you start to feel better without drinking, and then it's hard because you forgot how bad you felt while drinking and after.

Hang in, everybody.

EDIT: Oh, and all of our fudge pops are freezer burned. F**kin' hell.