Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Isolde;1027369 wrote: And you know what consensus I came to? Hell NO.

Right there with you. It's a relief to be able to talk or think about something else for a couple of hours a week, too.

[Lowcountryman]

Progress thread for ne

Ne,

I also 'loved the 120!'. It's just the feeling I want to go back at. The other clients of my psychiatrist stayed 'exactly' at that dosage. By that dosage Bac felt like a 3 in one-pill: antidepressant, anti-craving and anti-insomnia. Made me feel great and it broke the circle i was living in.
Glad to hear that you also had that experience! Might be good to know for everybody who's having a hard time dealing with SE's. So, thanks redhead!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I drove through a helluva snowstorm yesterday because I didn't have enough bac to stay at 180mg/day.
This is profound for me for several reasons.
I don't drive in bad weather, too many accidents (5) because I get panicky and drive poorly. Though it was nerve-wracking, I was not panicked, and didn't have an undue amount of anxiety. I couldn't take my afternoon dose on time, because I was still in driving hell, and my anxiety greatly increased as the bac wore off.
In the early part of the drive, when I saw an overturned SUV it was a reminder to be careful and stay focused. By the early afternoon, I started to think, "That could be me. What am I doing? I could die out here! OMG, what am I going to do with the dog if I have an accident? Will they let her in the tow truck?" And worse. By the time I got home I was shaking and sweaty. I kept reminding myself that the baclofen makes this, makes me, better. I don't have to live in a state of fear anymore. And it's true.)

And, I could've bought beer and stopped at a motel anywhere along the way. I wanted baclofen more.

What strikes me the most is what an idiot I am. I will go to extreme lengths to derail this, and create unnecessary drama. From telling my loved ones, to acting out on here, to forgetting to bring the baclofen with me on my trip...
Fortunately, I will apparently go to more extreme lengths to keep it on track. I'm going to refill my rx today, (not that I'll be able to pick it up!) and stash some around. The way my insurance coverage works I have to pay out of pocket for it anyway, based on the dose I'm taking. ($67.50 for 2000 mgs at Walgreens) Each time I refill it, the insurance company resets the date, so I'll be getting double each time from here on out, one with my copay and one at full price.
Currently at 180mg/day for 2 days. Two forced sober nights. Drank more than 2 bottles of wine and a beer yesterday. (ugh.) No appreciable SEs, except that I woke up at 3am (maybe 2am?) and decided to get out of bed instead of trying to stay in it. Going back to bed now!
Thank you for bearing with, and good night!

[Isolde]

Progress thread for ne

I saw a bunch of clips of the snowstorm in the NE on the news this morning, of people trying to drive in it, of accidents, etc. It makes me panicky just watching it! (Then again, I've never had to drive in snow before!) Very glad that you made it home safe!! And that you felt less panicky (for the most part) while driving than you normally do. And I am also really proud of you for going to great lengths to make sure that you have enough baclofen to stay the course!! :goodjob:

For the record, 80-90mgs for me was what 120mgs was for you. I would love to be able to get back down to my feel good dose, but after the return of my cravings at 120, I'm scared to try titrating back down again.

Isn't it amazing to find unfinished alcohol sitting around when you wake up in the morning??

[Full English]

Progress thread for ne

Hi NE, glad you got home safely and glad you got the BAC too.
I always order another batch as soon one batch arrives now, so I am not caught short.
Good to hear you are at 180MG without any serious SE's. I hope you see the big results come soon.
Full English

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

It is amazing to wake up to unfinished AL. Happened again today, though I have no idea how much I drank last night. Still drinking husband's beer, so hard to keep track. But I need to do that, so I will.
Bumped up to 200mg/day yesterday, after 4 days on 180mg/day. Tired of waiting and looking forward to cessation... Again, no appreciable SEs. Slept a good solid 4 hours last night and woke up feeling peachy.

Yesterday I had several thoughts about this. The first was that I should find an outlet that gets me off the couch and away from the booze in the evenings. Craving is low, low, low, I think. And I thought, "I'll go to an AA meeting this evening." Why? They don't want me and I don't buy in, and more to the point: I don't have to be defined by this disease anymore.
That last epiphany caused a little bit of consternation. Because I have no idea what is going to define me if the disease doesn't. It has for soooo long. Ever really.
Which led me to realize that I have no sobriety plan. None. So that's this week's task master. What's the plan?
For all my ranting and raving about rats and reptilian brains, it'll be a lot easier with a plan.
I've picked yet another date to remove the booze from the house and try a willingly sober night. We'll see. There is always the fall back of the 24 hour convenience store down the street. I made it a whole hour at home the last time, before I sent husband out for booze... lol, sort of.
Husband is still very sceptical, understandably. Still it's a pain to have negative nelly walking around in my space. At least he's finally agreed to READ THE DAMN BOOK! We'll see.
Does anyone know of a decent decongestant/cough medication that can be safely taken with high dose bac? Preferably something I can buy at the drug store and not at Amazon, cause the cold is here and now. :H
And yes, driving in that snow storm was a bitch. I'm rather proud of myself, except that it was stupid to have to do it in the first place.
Ig, you're back. what're you waiting for?
Keep it up FE!
:l
* sorry for being so vociferous this morning. think I may be a little manic from the last bump up.

[lvb65]

Progress thread for ne

I find it increasingly difficult to follow the consecutive stories here on the forum. How is that for you out there? Sometimes a response doesn't fit at all and others are just missing. It makes it difficult for me to ask question or ad on to posts. Would like to hear if anyone else feels the same way and if there is a good idea how to manage this forum more coherently.
Funny thing, in all my drinking years I never liked to mix or converse with drunkerd' s ( alcoholis' t) I was too impatient I think and didn' t see myself as an alholic. Cynical isn' t? I vowed I'd never ever go to an AA meeting, it seemed like a nightmare to me, to be among peers, uhg! and with a religious undertone. I know, it sounds very prejudiced, but that's the way it was framed my mind. I was a lone drinker. Only some of my closest friends and family knew I drank more than was good for me.
Now I read all the these posts here and find so much similarity, it makes me feel a little ashamed and humble.
Trying to get it all together, all the SE's and different levels of Baclofen etc. I wonder from the medical point of view, most of us with long history high alcohol use, must have liver problems, loss of memory, ( Korsakov ) and many many other side effects. Speaking for myself, I find it difficult to distinguish between the Bac. SE's and physical changes I experience since I started using Bac. In most stories I sense the same natural apprehension towards high dosage of Bac. Some have med. support and even psychiatrist support. For those who don't, like me, it is very helpful indeed to turn to experience from others.
I read that people who are AF ( hate all these abbreviation's), start wondering what to do with their lives now. Of course there are underlying issues that go together with alcoholism that need attention. Ameisen's book clearly addresses this issue as well. If you can't analyse your own underlying problems, you need professional help. Much of my anxiety, stress, fear has been alleviated with Bac. The physical pain ( arthritis ) remains however, but cannot be cured with alcohol.
I find it very exiting to review my life, and plan to do things that were left undone for many years. No remorse or self pity for me.
I am back to 160 mg/day now, from high 240 mg/ day. I weigh 105 kg ( 230 lbs). Thinking of a glass of wine now and again, but very fluid. SE' s have decreased somewhat, but not altogether gone. Wander where the best balance will be found.
Wanted to go into some of the posts here, but don't have the energy anymore now.

stay in there all of you and keep posting your experience please

LvB

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Hi, LvB. I'm glad you decided to jump in!
It can be difficult to navigate the forum. I have definitely responded inappropriately (!) or off topic when I didn't follow the thoughts on the thread well enough. And more difficult still if you haven't an idea yet of who's who and where they are in their bac journey. I think it's helped me to reach out to people, through private message, on a thread, and via email, too. It helps me keep everybody straight.
We probably have many more differences than we do in common. I happen to love drunk people. Alcoholics of all sorts. And I'm very comfortable in AA meetings and with all of the dogma that entails. It just doesn't work for most of us, so I gave it up. It's the people who drink normally that confound me and make me uncomfortable. Really.
I'm still not sure what the Korsakov reference is? Even after a handy google search. Except perhaps that he had a period of memory loss?
Regardless, we all have something in common. From memory loss to liver disease. More to the point, a desire to be free of this burden of alcoholic drinking. The stories are very important, in my humble opinion. It is in the nature of an alcoholic, particularly one that drinks alone, as I do, to isolate oneself. The stories allow us to find common ground in the mine field of cultural differences and disparate belief systems.
The side effects from high-dose baclofen are difficult to separate from the effects of alcohol abuse. And the effects from detoxing the mind and body from alcohol are not to be trivialized. It can be particularly difficult to try to follow everyone's very varied titration, their personal side effects etc. especially given the fact that we are all abusing alcohol to some extent. It helped me to follow the people who achieved sobriety, or moderation, or the switch. I've based my path on theirs and with the guidance of Dr. L.
It also might help if you continue your own thread. We'll be able to weigh in there on anything that you want to address! No abbreviations needed! (they can definitely detract from the overall message, I'd agree.)
Glad you're feeling better. What happened?
*ftr (for the record), the abbreviations and smilies are fun, too. And help to express emotion. lol (laugh out loud). It's a whole new language!

[Lowcountryman]

Progress thread for ne

Ne,

A sobriety-plan. Well, planning to plan is the first step.
For me Bac allowed to break the circle I was living in. Not drinking mostly does

When I got to my psychiatrist reporting that my abuse had decreased dramatically, first thing he asked me: "Low, what are we going to do when you're reached the swtich? I would like you to think about that".

Today I had an appointment with him and since the alcohol-issue seems no longer be the issue we could talk about further treatment. I told him I wanted some triggers, that I know always garanteed a good binge, being removed. I don't want to risk anything anymore. We start on a new therapy, of course one that works directly on the brains itself, EMDR. No long talking sessions, but stereo bleebs though a headheadphone.
I also, because I was no longer drunk or living the hangovers, took actions to put my financial stuff in order again. That also worked out for me.
So my plan is to step by step remove the angels that got me into the shitty situation in the first place. I needed Baclofen to help me with that.

So, titrate up, it wil lead you to soberness, and then you make plans and work out what's gotten you into Bac in the first place.

Well, that's just my experience. Most important now is to recognize that you are right now actually anticipating to a life without alcohol. That's good, and the struggle about making these plans, well, perfectly normal.

rgrds, Low

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Low, Thanks so much for your response. You're right, of course.
I've realized since writing that post that most of my goals are still mired in all of the stuff I haven't accomplished yet. No lack of remorse and regret on my part!
I don't even know how to create new ones... that are more age appropriate if you will. And there is enough collateral damage to keep me busy for the next 6 months without the burden of new and exciting distractions.
EMDR sounds interesting. Let me know how it works out, will you?

It's 3am. I woke up an hour ago after a couple of hours of sleep. This certainly isn't going to work over the long run! Looking forward to my next conversation with the good doctor on Monday. Maybe he can offer a solution that is not based on another addictive drug. I still can't believe he recommended that, but he's the doctor.

Lots of SO drama here last night, and while I usually prefer to leave that off the boards, it's relevant atm. Heart-to-heart the night before last is followed up with, you guessed it, him coming home stinking drunk after driving drunk (albeit only a couple of blocks.) He didn't call, was angry and defensive. I know this disease. I have almost limitless patience for others who suffer from it. But one of my lines is drunk driving. The impact is too devastating, even when the result is *simply* a DUI. We've been through that before. (his). But more painful, we have a friend who killed two men on the highway last year. Really. This disease is no joke. And there but for the grace of some measure of self-preservation, go I. Or him. Or you.

I suppose that at some point 230am will become the new 430am and I'll find solace in the wee quiet hours of the morning. But at the moment, I'm full of despair and wondering what trials the next step is going to bring.
And my beloved dog is sick. Which is enough in and of itself, believe it or not.
Pity party for one, right here. :upset:

[taw]

Progress thread for ne

How is your sobriety plan coming along? I had to make on everytime in rehab and well obviously they didn't work! I definitley need to come up with one...I have been drunk for over 20 years so I a not sure what to do with all this time I am going to have...that scares me!! maybe I won't be such a recluse anymore!

[Isolde]

Progress thread for ne

Hugs Nev :l
First of all, I am sorry to hear that your dog is sick. As a dog lover and owner, I completely empathize! I am not a praying kind of person, but I will be sending out positive energy for your pup's improvement. Keep us posted on that, please.

It must be difficult to be doing the bac/sobriety journey when your husband is a drinker. Sounds like he's not one of the "normal" kind of drinkers that a lot of us here tend to be with either. I think it makes the journey much easier when your SO either isn't a drinker or can drink "normally". Considering he's actually already had a DUI, I can completely understand why you would've gotten completely pissed at him. I'm sure you've told him to call you when he's had too much to drink. But that's the thing, isn't it? WE very rarely know when we have had too much. Maybe when things settle down a bit and you're not heated, revisit the conversation and drill into his brain the severity and ramifications. Sounds like he should know that already though!
I very nearly got a DUI last year (got pulled over for something I do all the time when sober! - bumping a curb, just happened to be at 2am). I can't tell you how glad I am at the prospect of never having to be in that situation EVER again!! Having gone through it already, it is very worrying that your husband doesn't GET this.
It's something I worry about with one of my brothers. He goes out and gets absolutely obliterated and then drives himself home. My whole family is beginning to get a bit worried about him, but the problem is that he has to want to change. And right now he seems to very much enjoy going out and getting pissed. I always preferred to drink at home, myself.

I hope your pity party has broken up by now and that you're feeling better. We're here for you! :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I apologize in advance for the profanity. If fuck makes you uncomfortable, please don't read this.
taw, I'm scared to0.* And fuck the sobriety plan. You gotta love those repeatedly copied until they're almost illegible worksheets they pass out in rehab like candy to kids. All written at a 3rd grade level, as though were complete idiots because we've got a disease. Hate those fuckers. My IQ, education and upbringing are not the fucking problem, people.

I couldn't begin to figure out what it is that I want out of tomorrow, much less next month. Other than grounding the beast thoroughly into submission. That bitch has got to go.

Husband is officially on a bender. On his way out the door, I asked him to be careful. That I was worried, can see that the immediate future does not bode well... He gave me a kiss, shrugged and left. And as ever, I was online and plugged into my ipod. pathetic.

I don't reason with the beast, Is. I know better. Nothing I say or do is going to change anything. Not that I'm not clear about the repercussions. He knows, and very well, that if he lands himself in jail I will not be bailing him out. One of the terrible experiences of my life, that morning. After spending the night very, very afraid and furious. Got a call from jail at 6am. Had to find a bail bondsman! He was shoeless! ashamed and desperate!!! Jesus. That's not the kind of thing I ever thought I'd say, or have to do. It breaks my heart for him.
It's the worse that leaves me panicked. Jail and divorce I can live with. So please all that is sacred, keep him well. I hope he'll choose to take bac.

Pity party alive and well, obviously. I don't know about you people, but I am fucking exhausted. Bac is playing games with my sleep. Still drinking. Can't decide if I'm going to join him in the descent or find something more productive to do. Most assuredly don't need a pep talk, ftr. Presumably we've all been here, or someplace like it, and know the consequenceses. It helps to put the venom out there and share the burden. Sorry for that.
And for everything else, too.
love, love, love you all. :l :h
*inadvertent slip of the finger, but a shout out, too! :l
Can someone tell me how to stay logged in here? It's a result of some drunken paranoia months ago. Changed the security settings and now I can't figure out how to reset it so that I can go from page to page without logging in. Hitting the remember me option doesn't work. v. frustrating.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

decided not to go off the rails, ftr. Going to cook and eat this nastiness away for the moment.
And just got a text from husband. "I'm fine". ha. I'll take it.
xo

[Lowcountryman]

Progress thread for ne

Neva,

All those distractions, pffft.. Couldn't suppress a smile though. I always love primary reactions.
You might be full of bull, or full of love for any other. From across the ocean, Low is thinking that the relationship won't last. And I'm perfectly willing to take the 'F-U Low!!' when you feel you're in the mood saying that.

I specifically like your writing-style. My Dutch is excellent, but my English you might find of 2nd grade-level. Hope you don't take it offensively

No peptalks here Just swallow the damn pills, and you'll get better.

Sincerely smiling, Low