Progress thread for ne

[Lo0p]

Progress thread for ne

neva eva;1058689 wrote: I'll think of it as part of my nutrition plan, rather than as part of my sobriety plan.
Heh. Me too sometimes. :H

neva eva;1058689 wrote: I am on FIRE, friends! I know it's early sobriety and all that, but I love it. The only thing I'm scared about atm is that it'll end.
I had a really wonderful day. I've been really invigorated by the fact that I get to recreate myself, from the ground up, as it were. Everything is off the table and I get to pick and choose who I'm going to be and what I'm going to do with the what's left of my time here.

You've got nothing to be afraid of, trust me. Paint your picture. Sculpt your sculpture. Build you building. Erect your temple. Make it the way YOU want it. Fix it if you make a mistake. Just keep on going.

Take a break every once in a while, stand back and look at what you've done. No doubt other people will be looking to. Don't even worry about that, but definitely don't be afraid. You'll start to feel a sense of pride and love for yourself that is new and very healthy. It's been missing for a very, very long time. That's okay too :H even though it feels good. Keep it in check of course and keep on working!

neva eva;1058689 wrote: Since my home is as straight as it needs to be, I turned on the music those two are bonding over in that other thread, LOUD and started cleaning out my bookcases. Women with ADD? Gone. Rational Recovery? Getting Your Life Back? Adios!
Same with the extensive collection of anything Martha Stewart/Oprah. See ya'! Don't need you cluttering up my precious mind! But thanks for making me feel like I was never going to be woman enough...

In the beginning for me there was something about them I liked. I loved his voice. But when the heavy stuff came in sometimes it was too shocking. I almost couldn't take it and had to turn it off sometimes. It was kind of an acquired taste for me, now that I think about it. It took a little while.

I would be a fine bachelor indeed if I could get into the Martha Stewart/ Oprah type stuff for a while...Nah, I'm good :H

Finally. It's 4:41 in the morning. I just got off work a few hours ago and I go back in at 9:00 this morning. I could have slipped back into bed and probably could have gotten a little more sleep. Sleep, which to me these days is more precious than my beloved gym time sometimes. But I woke up on purpose, fully knowing I'd be shooting myself in the foot and took the time to write this, which means one thing: You must be one special girl! Keep rockin' :band2:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I officially don't like xanax. And had a moment of, "WTF am I thinking? Taking a drug as addictive as xanax?" this morning.
Plus, .25 doesn't seem to help and .5 seems like too much.
Plus, it is contraindicated because of CNS suppression.
I'll stick to benadryl from now on.
Just sayin'

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I love you lo0p. I am a special grrrrl.
You are still inspiring me.
Thanks.
Hope you got some sleep! We all need you fresh and focused!
K
Still rockin'

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Happy Sunday to you too, thanks!

I admire the sentiment, but I think it will get lost amidst the many posts (which is precisely what you are trying to prevent, I know). People will always post how they are feeling, and not many actually have factual information with which to contribute.

Otter's site:
Home - Baclofen UK
does exactly what you are proposing - all the facts are laid out, with testimonials there if someone wants the personal touch.

I think the biggest problem we face on this forum is no stickes. I've written to the mods, but never got a reply. There are several threads that have all this information right there for everybody, but unless you know they exist, you have to be lucky to find them. Bumping doesn't work. Stickies would work perfectly, and also people are more inclined to read a thread that is stickied, as it obviously has some importance. We need someone with a direct line to a mod to intervene on our behalf and get these threads stickied.

New threads, in fact, need to be drawn up, without all the chatter that the important threads have gathered, and then those stickied.

I do absolutely agree that the important information needs to stay visible, something that isn't happening. I like your idea of Oprah, who is Dr Oz?

[Lo0p]

Progress thread for ne

Decided to stay awake. I've been getting good sleep this past few days because of ...the xanax...:H And I've not slept for weeks before (I think) and been fine, so I'll start my day. I feel good this morning.

I trust Dr. L when he tells me I can't get addicted to it. I'm not taking it addictively(sp?), I don't feel like I even like it. Hell, I'm not addicted to oxycodone anymore (I told you about that on the phone I think). Works miracles for an anxiety attack! I am taking probably 3 a day instead of the two he told me to take. But it does seem to really help me regulate my bac dosage, which has been bothering me for sometime. I'll go over all this with him on Monday, I've got a phone appt. with him. FTR, I thought it was retarded for the first couple of days I took it too. But it's early days, I've had it for a week now and only taken 3 a day for two days since we talked and I said I was waiting for an attack to take it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

This one is for S*

Six years ago I lived in a four-bedroom house. It looked a lot like I had achieved the American Dream.
I actually lived in one room. With the blinds drawn and blankets over the windows so NO light could get in. The room had a computer and a mini-fridge. (The kitchen was downstairs.) I couldn't drive, safely or otherwise, for the most part so when my husband wouldn't bring me home beer I stumbled to the convenience store. They felt sorry for me there. We ALL know that person, and many of us have been there. Husband left, parents/friends/family "couldn't help" anymore.
I got myself into a state-funded rehab. Got some sleep. Learned how to eat canned spinach. I knew I was going to drink again even after 30 days and by luck and sheer determination of an angel/counselor got another 60 days in a different place. Where my roommate bought crack through the fence, got high, had sex three feet away from me and was a model 'rehabber' the next day.
Checked out, moved in with family, went to AA, did the steps, hated myself even more and spent as many nights as I could at my parent's weekend place so I could drink. Alone. Within a month of getting out of rehab.

THIS IS NOT AT ALL LIKE THAT!
THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THAT!
I received a message from a friend last night thanking me for some things I did yesterday. She wrote, "You are a true friend. Thank you. I love you."
I spent the day preparing for/attending a baby shower for people I can't stand to be in the same room with, and I smiled and made conversation. Got the hell out of there as quickly as I could, but not to drink. I have MUCH BETTER THINGS TO DO with my time.
Around 5 in the evening my husband got home, reeking of AL, with a 12 pack of good beer, and I wanted one.
But I didn't drink it and it wasn't hard not to drink it. I didn't wake up thinking about drinking it. And I went to bed very early because I was tired. I slept for 7 blissful hours and woke thinking of you, Su.

OA (I think you've read the book) didn't give up because he was sure that someone would find the cure just after he died. That's a little how I felt when I found his book in the library. I was scared. Didn't believe it was possible. Thought it was snake oil, the worst kind of charlatan ever.
Then I googled him and I couldn't find anything bad.
Then I found My Way Out and I STILL didn't believe. But I was desperate, because the beast was quickly taking over my life again. I've never been suicidal, but I was pretty sure I was going to end up in a god-foresaken mental ward detoxing, AGAIN, just to return to the fresh hell of trying to live sober.
THIS IS NOT LIKE THAT!
Imagine, not wanting a drink? I poured my husband's beer last night. Without any concern. Just didn't want any.
It's not the time to give up. There is not just hope for freedom from alcoholism in this little pill. It's a life transforming miracle.

DON'T GIVE UP!

You can always stop taking it. You can always return, and rather quickly, to the dark room and the comfort of the bottle. The bottle will always be there. For the first time, you can KILL THAT BITCH--THE BEAST that makes you feel so hopeless and move on.
I love you. Try it. You might like it! :H
Your mum is
I've got more on my mind for the rest of you, but I'm spending the day at home, so will save some for later.

EDIT: My private message box is completely empty. Except for my first exchanges. With lo0p! :h I converted them all to text format and saved them in word, so I will always have them still. Anyone who has been here for more than a minute should try it. Then I happily deleted all of them except the lovely first words of encouragement.

[Lo0p]

Progress thread for ne

I just wanted to take this moment to tell you I love you too. And to say congratulations again!

[Isolde]

Progress thread for ne

Lo0p;1059284 wrote: Decided to stay awake. I've been getting good sleep this past few days because of ...the xanax...:H And I've not slept for weeks before (I think) and been fine, so I'll start my day. I feel good this morning.

I trust Dr. L when he tells me I can't get addicted to it. I'm not taking it addictively(sp?), I don't feel like I even like it. Works miracles for an anxiety attack! I am taking probably 3 a day instead of the two he told me to take. But it does seem to really help me regulate my bac dosage, which has been bothering me for sometime.
Hey Lo0p, where are you at now w/your bac dosage anyway? Was wondering about that, how you were doing w/the whole maintenance dose situation. You post a lot, but can't remember reading anything recently about your own current bac situation!

neva eva;1059261 wrote:
I officially don't like xanax. And had a moment of, "WTF am I thinking? Taking a drug as addictive as xanax?" this morning.
Plus, .25 doesn't seem to help and .5 seems like too much.
Plus, it is contraindicated because of CNS suppression.
I'll stick to benadryl from now on.
Just sayin'

But isn't benadryl contraindicated as well?
I hear you though... .25 still doesn't give me the great sleep I'm seeking, and I'm just not comfortable with taking .5 on a regular basis.

I think Dr. L's right about the bac keeping us from getting addicted to it though. And I took it plenty of times before being on bac, just for sleep, with never the desire to take more or use it get f*'d up or whatever.
But you gotta do what's right for you. If Benadryl helps you get the sleep you need and lets your mind be at ease (which the xanax obviously doesn't!), then I'm behind ya! :l

[Seethepony]

Progress thread for ne

Wow, Neva, re: that last post, you should put some of that over on the General Discussion part of the forum. That place is like a bell jar full of mosquitos looking for lunch. (Crappy analogy, I know.) But that post of yours is one of the most to-the-point and honest things I've read on this forum so it shouldn't be buried here on page 971 of your odyssey.

I tried to PM you but your letter box was chock-full of pizza ads and offers for quality footwear. I recall you published your email address here somewhere but, you know - needle, haystack etc. - so here's what I wrote:
___

Hi funny gal,
Oh, you're too kind! And me, I'm too zonked to add much to the forum. Our 2 year old seems to have been born with Duracell batteries and by the time she's asleep at night (after the gazillionth read through of The House at Pooh Corner) I sit like a zombie in front of the computer, brain activity flatlining...
So, I'm fine, just too tired to lift a finger. And even if I could type with thought alone, it would just say zzzzzzzzxxxxxxxcdfffffff. It's just like the days when I was out of my head on alcohol... just without the alcohol!

Cheers!
___

And that's that!
But you really should do some missionary work over on that other part of the forum. I tried - got crucified... But you, with your female touch and eloquence, plus the torturous ups and downs in your story - well maybe you can reach at least one or two of those confused old birds! (They are, did anyone else notice, mostly female? Just an observation.)

Anyway nevs, I must love you and leave you. I haven't read "Piglet Does a Very Grand Thing" for, oh, 50 minutes now, and I must refresh my memory.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

omg. If this is what being hungover feels like, it's no wonder that people give up the bac! I can't believe I used to live my life like this.

Yep. I drank last night. But the story really starts with the fact that by 5pm I had only taken 1/3 of what my daily bac dose should have been at that point in the day. My craving was pretty intense. I should have known that something was wonky...
Yesterday when I went to the grocery store to buy spinach and chicken I decided I *needed* doritos and popcorn covered in some sort of chemical flavor. I kid you not that I don't know which aisle that stuff is stocked in. (our groceries are HUGE, ftr.) So I wandered around until I found it, and bought six bags of the nasty stuff. I opened and ate most of one in the fifteen minute drive home.

It never crossed my mind to buy beer or wine, which used to be the only reason I visited this particular store! Around 5pm I realized my mistake with the bac dosage and I did a little jig! Yay! I can get drunk! I ran out to the convenience store and bought a 12 pack. Brought it home and drank 5 beers in short order. I also took a lot of bac to make up for the difference and restore some sort of equilibrium in my poor brain and body.

I slept soundly for a couple of hours, then woke up sweaty, full of despair and disgusted with myself. I did and felt what many of us feel in the middle of the night after falling off the wagon. I cried. Then I sobbed a bit. Thankful that my husband was passed out. Unfortunately the poor Goose (my dog) was not and was really alarmed at my outburst. Soothing a dog at 2am is very soothing. I turned on the radio to get out of my head and wrapped myself in my husband's arms and tried to fall bac to sleep. Then I threw up. I recognize the symptoms of not having enough bac in my system at this point. So I took some and slept very fitfully for the next couple of hours.

There was no comfort to be found in xanax for many reasons. Not the least of which is that even in the middle of the night I was pretty alarmed by the idea of adding yet another chemical into my over-taxed system. But more importantly there is NO WAY I've gone through all of this just to find myself relying on yet another chemical to bring me relief. I practiced breathing instead. And thought good thoughts. And wrote and rewrote this post in my head. I actually thought, well, what would Isolde do? (ha!) Then I remembered that you are 10 years younger, with a *very* different bac/AL experience than mine.
Which brings me to the next point in this rambling post. Ten years ago, when I was 30, I was drinking alcoholically. But I was also at the top of my game. I earned twice what I do now. I had a rather large staff and a demanding job that I loved. Now, I am financially dependent on my husband, I am staff, and though my job is vital, it is in no way a career. It's been a long, hard, depressing fall.

I have thrown up twice this morning, am facing a very long day, feel absolutely terrible and know that I have missed the point I was trying to make here. But I have to go back to bed. Now.

Would someone please start a thread on insomnia? Not for me, I'll get this under control. There are many others who despair about this particular SE and are lurking.

If I understand correctly, we'll hear from Dr. Ameisen sometime soon. I hope that's the case because we sorely need some more guidance. If you have been helped by baclofen, or have questions or concern, I would humbly suggest you pm him. I doubt he has the time to answer, but I hope that he faces a full private message box every time he so much as thinks about My Way Out. He needs to know that we're here. That we appreciate his ground-breaking, life-saving research.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...age-41376.html

:h and :ls and sorry if this blip in my story brings you angst. I post it with a heavy heart and a belly full of bile.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Panic not neva, the switch dose is still there waiting for you... It just brings home further to me how dose dependent this whole thing really is.

I did exactly the same thing, and now that I have upped my dose to switch-levels, I can feel the urge to drink fading. I was also perversely pleased at the thought of wanting a drink. IT's strange, because I don't want to drink, so why did I feel pleased. I have decided not to bother with the required introspection to arrive at an answer for this, and just accept it for the miracle it is.

Great news indeed that OA is planning to post, I hope you are right! Would be good to hear from the founder and discoverer of this whole movement. I don't think he realises quite how many lives he has touched, and saved, with this...

Sorry to hear you have a hangover! I've always been quite lucky on the hangover front, except for one or two fantastic blowouts. If I get a hangover, it's normally debilitating, so touch wood.

Thanks for posting this. It's important to get the good along with the bad.

[gratitude]

Progress thread for ne

ne,
I'm sorry you feel like shit. just think of it as an experiment for all of us here at MWO.
that is exactly my fear in taking BAC. that I'll go woo-hoo I get to drink now. now you get to titrate back up and show us all that the cravings do indeed go away again. just like Dr. L and Amiesen suggest. that will be proof positive that this works completely.
personally, I'm tired of piggybacking on everyone else's experiment on here. I need to make a decision to shit or get off the pot. I thank you for your courage. you are truly helping to save lives and I'm not joking about that. :thanks:

[Rusty]

Progress thread for ne

Neva,

So sorry you're feeling like crap. Yup, that's definitely a deterrrent with Bac. If you overdo the drinking, you will have the hangover from hell/be sicker than you ever thought. My last hangover was May 28....the second day I took bac, and a day when I had jumped into the hard stuff. I threw up and was shaking so badly. NEVER AGAIN, I said.....and it was the last time I ever felt like dying because of drinking.

[taw]

Progress thread for ne

I just got to this and now I have to go into a meeting! Don't dispare, Karen! If anyone can get past this hiccup U CAN!!!!!!!! sorry have to run...HUGS

[redhead77]

Progress thread for ne

Sorry to hear this Neva. Why would WE despair over this story? You didn't fail. On the contrary, you have proved that your physiology is changing back to what it should be. If I read correctly, you drank 5 beers and ended up sick. I don't know about you but the last time I drank 5 beers and ended up sick was a long time ago. Before tolerance occurred. Your body is going back to what it should be. So, you thought you would drink. Oh well, it was an experiment. If nothing else, we will all get sober on this because we are too scared to drink!! I don't know if that's good or bad but it IS. I remember a time when I drank an entire bottle of chardonnay and was sooo sick I thought I was going to die. That hasn't happened in a while.

Today I went grocery shopping and I had that voice in my head saying, maybe you should buy a bottle of wine. Hmmmm, some wine would be good tonight. Then I thought of how bad I'll feel tomorrow. I walked out without it.

Don't be too hard on yourself. What's done is done. Just work on feeling better today, okay? Hugs.