Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Ha! I was fooling around in the buttons up there ^. I didn't mean to get a new username and it chafes a little bit having to relearn to type my name!!! Not that I'm particularly fond of the name I chose, while drunk and LOST lo those many months ago. (I recently embraced, "Neva Eva going to drink again against my will." instead of, "Neva Eva EVA going to reach effin indifference" which is what it felt like for a while.)

I will certainly let you know about the doc. It's in the top 5 on my list this week.

In the meantime I'm going to start a blog over in the blog section, since that is certainly what this thread has become. I'm loathe to give up my 430am ramblings, it helps keep me straight and is a wonderful record. But this tome is a little unweildy and I'm having a terrible time trying to clean up the misinformation found in it.
(The drunken rants aren't even the worst of it! Those, at least, are explainable.)

Unfortunately no-one reads or writes in the blogs, but I'll be there anyway. Easier than trying to find a new space, and I know MWO! It's home.
In the meantime I'm going to stick to the daily thread.
:ls and :h

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Don't do a blog. I just went and had a look, and it's completely moribund. Your enthusiasm will whither and die if you post there, please don't do it! Just stay here, I don't see why you wouldn't?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Yeah. Fuck that.

Bruun talking to you last night, and reading ukb's most recent posts made me think of this stuff. Bruun and I exchanged thoughts outside of the forum for a long time, before she started on bac, when I was REALLY struggling. I'd forgotten what that was like, and also how incredibly supportive you were, sister. Wish we lived closer so I could bring you some organic, free-range, made from scratch with love chicken noodle soup. This post is for you.

This is the third time around for me, trying high-dose baclofen.

The first two times were a nightmare that pales in comparison to what is chronicled here, in the 'happy' version.

Something happened when I was driving once. I took bac while driving. I was taking maybe 50mg? Have to look. I was also on a week long binge, meaning I was drinking 2 bottles of wine every night, maybe a little more, instead of my normal 1.5 bottles.

My eyes fixated. I couldn't lift my head off of the headrest. My neck and shoulder muscles on the right side felt so lax, I couldn't hold my head up. My legs and arms started shaking. The SHORT version is that an ambulance came, I was 'fine'.

I logged on here. Found some evidence that similar things had happened to other people. Started a thread and asked for help. Got some support. Then someone (okay, sunnyv) suggested there was something wrong with me.

I had two ER visits last year. An MRI. A CAT scan. FOUR full blood panels. A complete thyroid and hormone check. To the tune of THOUSANDS of dollars. Not a damn thing wrong with me that sobriety couldn't fix. And less fucking bac. (I'm 41yo. Never been to the ER in my life! Never had an emergency doctor's visit even. NEVER EVER.)

There were times I couldn't get off the couch. Or out of bed. My body ached. My muscles twitched. My head. Ouch. I missed a lot of work. Slogged through the other days. Driving was a force of will. It was the longest year of my life, bar none.

Some people 'round here back then tried to be supportive. But it was often suggested, politely of course, that I was nutters. Eventually I was summarily dismissed and then completely ignored. (Even beatle was wondering wtf was wrong with me! ha. You don't remember, but I do, now! Still love you!)

But I believed in the hope of indifference. Would do anything to get rid of the demon-bitch. I READ and READ and re-read. The science. With one window open on google search to define the words. I took copious notes about what stuff meant. I followed the threads and thoughts of all the people (many, many women) who didn't reach indifference. Then I followed the thoughts of the people (mostly men) who did reach indifference. They ALL despaired. The SEs sucked for every single last one of them. From Granddaddy Tip to Birdy to Phoenix to ALL OF US!

Here's the thing. The absolute crux of the matter. I have also had extensive psychological testing, through out my life. I KNOW I'm not crazy. I've had some pretty damn esteemed experts tell me so. I also know my IQ, which is at one end of the bell curve.
So I'm of sound body and mind. I'm smart. I'm a drunk with a disease I can't shake.
I'm also determined and stubborn and not afraid to ask for the help I need and I AM NOT TO BE DISMISSED. And NEITHER ARE YOU!

I also have resources I can utilize that help me, in retrospect, trivialize all of the SEs. All of the angst and paranoia and PARALYZING FEAR that came with me on this journey.

This roller coaster, like most of them, can be really, really bad. The highs of it outweigh the lows, for me anyway. And now? the SEs are still there, I can't wait to get off this ride. Seriously. Can't wait. But I haven't gone through a year of hell to call it quits now. I want this to 'take' and be solid for the rest of my life.
I apologize for not listening better. I am now.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Karen.

Take a breath. Nobody will dismiss you. Nobody can doubt your commitment to this.

We are here for you, to help in any way we can. You can shake this, and have before. You will do it again.

I wish there was something more I could say.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Ha! No worries, bleep. I've been dismissive. It was rude and insensitive and downright mean.
I am a little breathless. I'm on fire. Eyes on the goal. Which means, among other things, that atm I need to take care of this onerous woman in my 'real' life once and for all and move on. I'm for sure not going to win that battle, but I've got to end it, and I'm looking forward to it just being over.

I feel like I was becoming a Stepford Wife for a minute there! Yikes! I'm probably going to regret this and the other two posts I've made this morning, but what's news?
Thanks though.
xo

[Bruunhilde]

Progress thread for ne

I cannot believe you get up before the sun and you don't have to ... I'd rather stay in bed, where it's warm, you crazy thing NE! Glad you're not going to blog, this is much better in the forum.

Thanks for calling me (and calling again and again) yesterday, I'm such a dork with this new phone, can't quite get it right. Sorry about that. You've been so proactive in helping me out, raeching out, wow, I really appreciate that. Also love your accent. :l (What accent, you say!)

You can do it, if anyone can. You have gone through hell and back so many times, each time reaching farther in your quest, I have faith in you. Have you weighed in with Dr. L regarding the cravings, or are you sure it was just a user-input-error in taking the meds? Sounds like the latter, but that seems pretty severe to me (numbnuts me) that you can miss a dose and go right back to intense cravings. Maybe you need to go UP? Again, knowing you're way ahead of me and will always be re bac, and I'm not the encyclopedia you are, maybe it's not a good idea.

Bleep, to edit your user name, go to User CP in the upper left corner of your screen, and I think you will find the option there. You have to request it from the web admin, you can't just edit it, unfortunately. However, they'd rather you did that than add a new name, because then it double counts us on their system or adds overhead, I guess.

PS, Karen, I prefer reading expletives over emoticons any day of the week!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

hmmm. I started out with an agenda for this this morning, and can't for the life of me remember what it was. Too much exciting stuff happening around these parts!

Had a talk with husband about bac a couple of days ago.
"Do you want to try bac?"
"Well," he says, "I don't think so."
ummm. hmmm. what the fuck?
"Why not?"
"Well," he says, "I like to drink."
cut to the end of the conversation:
I said, "I can live with a drinker [which is NOT true] but I can't live with an alcoholic."

That does not bode well, my friends. :upset:

Here are some of the other things I've created in my life in the last couple of weeks:

Fed up with the condition of our apartment (in a hundred year old building) I threw down the gauntlet with the owners. The property manager is furious with me, a recovering alcoholic with "One Day at a Time" in cross-stitch framed on her office wall. Needless to say, we don't exactly see eye to eye anyway.

So I'm expecting an army of repairmen this week to detail and chronicle in writing the things that need to be taken care of. This is one area where I feel that new-found sobriety got the best of me. I need to handle this, for sure! But trying to change a relationship overnight, when for years I was too drunk or apathetic to do anything but fret about it, is unrealistic. Still, it's nice to know I can and will handle it, rationally and reasonably.

My job has also reached a crossroads. That is not a reflection of me, or bac or sobriety. In times past, though, I think I would've just slogged on through. This time I decided to put the word out that I'm looking for another job. Lo and behold I received an email that evening and I have a job interview this week!!!

This all is to give hope about the future for those in the belly of the beast. Sobriety is super-fun! And have no fear about finding things to do!

I can't keep up with all the new threads, atm, though I'm very heartened by them. I love the newbies!!! :goodjob:
I'll try to answer questions here and in the daily bac thread so as to keep it relatively coherent, if that makes sense and is not too... well, you know. :blush:

:ls and :h

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I do NOT have an accent. Though one of our British friends said that I sound nothing like what he expected. Apparently I have an American twang. Don't think he was being flattering, ftr! :H

I have lived in the sort-of-south of this country for several years, though, west coast girl, and I suppose I've picked some of that up. I don't use 'ain't' yet and still want to burn every confederate flag in the country, so clearly I'm not a 'real' southerner.

And if you're offended by the fact that I would literally burn every confederate flag, and the factories in China that make them, feel free to pm me your vitriol. When I empty my pm box again I'll be able to get them. And then I will be happy to respond in kind.

AND ftr, (this is very petty and goes bac several months to a different part of the forum and is directed at a woman who CERTAINLY doesn't read this thread) Cell phones do not cause explosions at gas pumps. Not now, not then, not ever. If you're going to get your panties in a bunch over something, please at least pick something that isn't completely fucking ridiculous!
nyah.
and :H
xo, peeps.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

"Neva eva and the half-arsed approach to living", or "How to take things easy!"

Good luck with all of that, sounds like a hectic scene you created for yourself. Let us know how it all turns out...

[tiptronic_ct]

Progress thread for ne

bleep;1064818 wrote: Let us know how it all turns out...

I don't think we even need to ask! :H:H:H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

HA! I forgot to mention my single most important and over-riding mission!

Finding a doctor locally that will prescribe baclofen just in case...

:H:H:H

NOTHING matters more than the beloved bac, though I'm still loathe to take it every time the alarm goes off. Fun? Addictive? Nope. wrong medicine. Disease killer, demon slayer? Oh yes. Bac does that.
Cue the chorus of angels, or at least the band!

:rockon:

[Guest]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1064231 wrote: Yeah. Fuck that.

Bruun talking to you last night, and reading ukb's most recent posts made me think of this stuff. Bruun and I exchanged thoughts outside of the forum for a long time, before she started on bac, when I was REALLY struggling. I'd forgotten what that was like, and also how incredibly supportive you were, sister. Wish we lived closer so I could bring you some organic, free-range, made from scratch with love chicken noodle soup. This post is for you.

This is the third time around for me, trying high-dose baclofen.

The first two times were a nightmare that pales in comparison to what is chronicled here, in the 'happy' version.

Something happened when I was driving once. I took bac while driving. I was taking maybe 50mg? Have to look. I was also on a week long binge, meaning I was drinking 2 bottles of wine every night, maybe a little more, instead of my normal 1.5 bottles.

My eyes fixated. I couldn't lift my head off of the headrest. My neck and shoulder muscles on the right side felt so lax, I couldn't hold my head up. My legs and arms started shaking. The SHORT version is that an ambulance came, I was 'fine'.

I logged on here. Found some evidence that similar things had happened to other people. Started a thread and asked for help. Got some support. Then someone (okay, sunnyv) suggested there was something wrong with me.

I had two ER visits last year. An MRI. A CAT scan. FOUR full blood panels. A complete thyroid and hormone check. To the tune of THOUSANDS of dollars. Not a damn thing wrong with me that sobriety couldn't fix. And less fucking bac. (I'm 41yo. Never been to the ER in my life! Never had an emergency doctor's visit even. NEVER EVER.)

There were times I couldn't get off the couch. Or out of bed. My body ached. My muscles twitched. My head. Ouch. I missed a lot of work. Slogged through the other days. Driving was a force of will. It was the longest year of my life, bar none.

Some people 'round here back then tried to be supportive. But it was often suggested, politely of course, that I was nutters. Eventually I was summarily dismissed and then completely ignored. (Even beatle was wondering wtf was wrong with me! ha. You don't remember, but I do, now! Still love you!)

But I believed in the hope of indifference. Would do anything to get rid of the demon-bitch. I READ and READ and re-read. The science. With one window open on google search to define the words. I took copious notes about what stuff meant. I followed the threads and thoughts of all the people (many, many women) who didn't reach indifference. Then I followed the thoughts of the people (mostly men) who did reach indifference. They ALL despaired. The SEs sucked for every single last one of them. From Granddaddy Tip to Birdy to Phoenix to ALL OF US!

Here's the thing. The absolute crux of the matter. I have also had extensive psychological testing, through out my life. I KNOW I'm not crazy. I've had some pretty damn esteemed experts tell me so. I also know my IQ, which is at one end of the bell curve.
So I'm of sound body and mind. I'm smart. I'm a drunk with a disease I can't shake.
I'm also determined and stubborn and not afraid to ask for the help I need and I AM NOT TO BE DISMISSED. And NEITHER ARE YOU!

I also have resources I can utilize that help me, in retrospect, trivialize all of the SEs. All of the angst and paranoia and PARALYZING FEAR that came with me on this journey.

This roller coaster, like most of them, can be really, really bad. The highs of it outweigh the lows, for me anyway. And now? the SEs are still there, I can't wait to get off this ride. Seriously. Can't wait. But I haven't gone through a year of hell to call it quits now. I want this to 'take' and be solid for the rest of my life.
I apologize for not listening better. I am now.
Karen/Ne

This was me so please think on in future. A lot of people are here for help but glad you've recognised this.

[Bruunhilde]

Progress thread for ne

Ne, you have a lovely lilting accent, I think it's sweet and it softens everything you say. So flaunt it. It's sexy.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

You DO have an accent. I think it's cool. And what Bruun said.

[beatle]

Progress thread for ne

breathless catch-up

woah! I just made the mistake of trying to catch up here (after sporadic dips into the threads over the past 24 hours). Then I made the mistake of spending more than an hour on a response to the AA-bac comparison. Then erased most of the post. (Egads, looks like I'm destined to do the same thing here.)

So, here are my responses/questions/befuddlement and maybe some random musings and quotes thrown in (who can tell where this is going?). NO wait, I will not go there!

Here my random responses, no cutting an pasting quotes. Just spitting it out there.

I'm confused about the current status of Neva. Or whatever her new name is. (Does the change reflect some kind of underlying condition? just sayin (as Neva would say)).

I thought you were sober and had got over your slip(s) and figured out the whole thing. Did i just miss something here? Granted, I have been far from diligent keeping up on the threads/posts here (down to 5-6 hours a day from 8+ last week). But I talked to you last night... have I really missed something, or just misunderstood, or misinterpreted perhaps? Yeah, I'm the queen of that last one.

getting too long.

will post more soon.