Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

:H to you both

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Last night Ed was reluctant to put the tea in the water. :upset: Ah, well, at least I had a good cup of tea!

The writing assignment was easy-breezy it turned out. And much, much fun to do! Allegory! Metaphor! Yay!

However, the writing assignments in the future include poetry. As in, I'll have to write it. ugh.

I'm running off to start actual classes. (yesterday's were online.)

I had a very interesting conversation with a journalist about bac last night. He's an intern, but still... He's a little bit on fire about bac and the prospects for addiction treatment. It was very sweet!
Will keep you tuned to that particular broadcast, for sure!
I hope it's a good Tuesday, folks.
Gotta run! zoom zoom!
L, Ne

[Isolde]

Progress thread for ne

[quote]Ne/Neva Eva;1118425 wrote:
I have something to clear up from Murph's thread that's been bothering me:

omg. I find the whole thing completely untenable. The silence? Give me a friggin break. Wait until you're married for a while. THEN silence is golden. Just ask Ed. It's kinda cute. but whatevs. sheesh. This thread is not gushy. It's raunchy. Let's stay on task, folks.
hmmm. That post should've been littered with smilies and winks and I should've elaborated more...
Folks, Isolde and lo0p are enjoying one another's company, if you didn't get all the innuendo. Which is about the sweetest thing I can think of. And they really, really like each other and are rather gushy. (especially lo0p, who is sort of gushy in general, which makes him a really special man) Yes, he can be (which I like!), and yes, he is. :h

Ne/Neva Eva;1118425 wrote:

I am sort of appalled by my post, which was meant to be a light-hearted ribbing. I'm not very good at that. I was also hoping that Murphy would run with it, since he is pretty good at it. But he's also a guy. And british. Which might mean (no offense, british guys) that he didn't actually figure out that Is and Lo0p are getting it on. (emotionally speaking, of course! sort of. :H) Unless he was just using more tact than I will ever give him credit for,

Oh for Pete's sake, Karen! It absolutely WAS a light-hearted ribbing! You should know both of us well enough by now to know that neither of us would be offended by something like that! :l
Oh and trust me, I KNOW how golden silence can be. I went out to dinner with my ex the other night and I forgot how unbelievably chatty he is! Holy cow, no wonder I was drinking so much when we were together! :H Ok, just kidding, he's a great guy and that's why we're still friends. But I really appreciate some good old peace and quiet. And solitude!
It was a good joke, it was funny, and anyone's who's been in a relationship for any length of time can attest that it's absolutely true!

And yes, I was also surprised that Murph didn't run with it! Seemed to me like fodder for many a good wise-crack! :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

:H
Thanks, Is. And good heavens! Thank you for posting. I swear I sometimes feel like I'm a pariah or worse down here in Ne-land. If it wasn't for pm's and emails I'd have given up posting here a good while ago.

Anyway.

Bac to bac in Ne-land.

My dosing schedule has been off since last weekend. The reasons are pretty understandable, I think.

My very first morning in the restaurant my bff (who got me the job) handed me a container of glass jars, and I dropped the container. It was a big kerfuffle. Then when I was cleaning the jars that were left, after having washed them, I dropped and broke another one.
It was very embarrassing, though not a thing, you know? I am not particularly clumsy and I had just taken my second morning dose before I walked in the door. I don't know if this was related to bac or not, but decided to try and change up my dosing schedule so that I could suss out what is bac-related and what is just being nervous. It wasn't simply the jars, it was several other things. (short term memory stuff)

I have to point out that in general my memory and my coordination are much better on bac, and sober, than they ever have been. (NOW, people. NOT when I was titrating up.) Still. Those things and the afternoon sleepies have to go. And I need to know what's bac and what's not.

Add to that that I've got to sit still in classes, and 101 level science classes for several hours each Tuesday and Thursday and I want to be very clear about how to manage any thing that might be a bac SE.

Which is all kind of silly, I suppose, since in general I am more on my game than I ever have been, EVER. Come to think of it. :H It doesn't change the fact that I do feel that I still have some lingering SEs and I want to mitigate those in order to be as successful, as easily as possible, as I can...

WITHOUT going down. Everything I'm doing, and everything I've accomplished in these few short months, is for naught if I end up going off the rails. Even for a short time. Eff that, people. I'm not going bac to that horrible prison. not for love or money.

I do actually think that I have not been drunk for more than a month! That was a big mental hurdle for me. One I have been preparing for. I can't take the time to wade through this thread to find out if that's the case, and my menses are irregular because of the IUD, so I'm just going to call it a month on May 28th, because I know it was at the end of April that I got drunk with my friend.

i had a funny experience in my yoga class yesterday. I had not experienced this kind of practice before (Redthread, are you around? I have questions!) It was a rather vigorous session, followed by the moments of silence and meditation that usually ends a class. (lying on the bac, relaxing and concentrating on the breath.) I was OUT! I had the strange sensation, which happens quite frequently when I nap now, of being awake but I absolutely wasn't. I woke a couple of minutes into it, and was completely present and alert, but it was very funny to me that I had completely zonked as soon as I had the opportunity! Glad I don't snore...

Ed bumped up to 160mg yesterday. He's using xanax as prescribed, .25x2 times a day. I'm very nervous and wary about all of it. But what to do? Eyes on the goal, you know? I never knew how anxious he actually is, and I'd rather have him use something prescribed by someone who knows far more about bac than I do, than resort to something illegal with which he self-medicates and is addicted to. We've agreed that I will stop doling them out (which I was doing!!!) and that he'll just be open and honest about whether or not he feels the urge to take more, or more often, or whether if it feels like the xanax isn't working as well. Then we'll find another option...
We've had an amazing week together. Made some major decisions and accomplished some things around the house that have been undone for years. It's very fun to have a husband who is present and engaged!

We're also definitely going to Chicago in October! So mark your calendars, peeps. It's an open invitation, indifference is not a requirement. Hell, Ed might not be indifferent at the rate he's going up! (egad, I hope that's not the case, though.) The first bac-convention! I hope it's an international affair. I also hope that Dr. L can join us so we can buy him a ... drink? lol

I have a ton of homework. Reality has set in about school a bit and I'm suddenly facing the fact that it means I have to sit in a classroom and read stuff I don't want to read and write stuff that bores me. YAY! (cross your fingers for me.)

Peace out! Lurkers, keep lurking. Lots to be gleaned here, and bac is definitely a way out!
Love,
Ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I am so 'in the weeds' (google it!) that I can't see, so forgive if I'm remiss in my correspondence. The next 5 days will see me relatively absent if I have any willpower at all!

A couple of shout outs:
Susie'smum, I haven't heard anything from anyone and would like an update.

Does anyone *know* Chi? I have some questions specifically for her. Chi, if you're around, will you pm me?

Redthread, it's Anusara Yoga. The teacher is dumpy and looks miserable. I'm not trying to pass judgement on the woman based on her look, I just sort of feel like a guide toward peace should be peaceful, you know? And she started the class off on a relatively negative note. hmmm. Help! Should I just join one of the hoity-toity expensive yoga places and get on with it??? I can't really afford it... But suppose I could. you know?

[Isolde]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1120131 wrote:

Redthread, it's Anusara Yoga. The teacher is dumpy and looks miserable. I'm not trying to pass judgement on the woman based on her look, I just sort of feel like a guide toward peace should be peaceful, you know? And she started the class off on a relatively negative note. hmmm. Help! Should I just join one of the hoity-toity expensive yoga places and get on with it??? I can't really afford it... But suppose I could. you know?

My FAVORITE is hot yoga. I've never done the actual Bikram style (where they lead you through a cycle of certain specific poses). But I had started going to a studio down the street from my old house (before I moved) and fell in love with it. I lost POUNDS through sweating in just one class, but it makes you feel amazing. And the heat makes it so much easier for your body to be flexible and get into some of the more difficult poses. They have to dry mop the floor after each class to clean up all the sweat! I'd highly recommend giving it a try, even for one class, if you can find a studio near you that offers it.

[missyabby1]

Progress thread for ne

Hey Ne,

Still great to read your thread! Just googled "in the weeds"! :H I lasted one night in a restaurant and swore I would never, ever go back again. Never did!

Went back to University at your age after being a mum and wife for ages. Loved every bit of it, even the boring bits. Lots of very intelligent women coming out of their shells. If there is one thing in my life I have always loved, it has been learning new things!

Funnily enough my minors were women's studies and addiction studies.............never ever realising they might end up being very relevant to my future! Spooky indeed.

Am feeling really ambivalent about my sobriety atm. Shocking, I know! Every day I think I am going to "change this thinking" but am relaxing in to it. I stopped taking Campral and am waiting for my appointment at a clinic here which offers all sorts of meds. My counsellor keeps leaving messages for me as I keep missing appts (as he totally knocked me off my axle last time) . It went a bit like "do you really want to spend the rest of your life drinking? To which I replied, well I don't really know if I want to spend the rest of my life living! Tears galore, sunglasses on, huge thinking, huge sadness , huge questions. He can just wait! Spending my "hangover days" in bed, reading the Millenium Trilogy and cheering on Lisbeth Salander. Walking my dog and laughing at her antics at the local doggie park. She spends a lot of her time trying to comfort me and disappears under the bed when Joe and I start the usual bullshit. You know. I know you know.

Anyway i just guess I wanted to say that your posts mean a lot to me and I hope you just keep posting on. Regardless .By the way I read Susan Howarth's book just recently. after a long absence from reading her stuff. It was called "High Flyers". Don't know if you read her stuff............but her writing reminded me of you. Now I feel like I may be a total dickhead and every body may feel her stuff is total rubbish. But, whatever. It hit a point for me, and so be it.

Wishing you well, sobriety, but most of all, joy in your learning of new things and excitement about such.

Missy xx

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I'm friggin late as usual, Missy, so a couple of seconds won't hurt. (Shame on me for checking here right before I walk out the door.)

A lot to respond to. Please check back in about 12 hours, 'cause I'd like to *meet* you here!

Haven't read Howarth, but will check it out. Anyone who is published writes better, or at least more consistently, than I! Thanks for the rec.
(Lisbeth. That woman needs some bac! or not. kinda love her just the way she is. Will always associate her with my bac ride.)

Love you,
Bac soon!
Ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

There is an analogy I heard when I was first in AA. A wonderful man told me about the soul being encased in a black shell. A crack opens and you just pack it back up with more of that sludge. No light in, no light out.
When things start moving around inside of you the cracks become larger. The light starts to shine out. It can hurt, sear, so you frantically try to slap some more of that black tar on. When things really start shaking you can't do it fast enough, the light keeps shooting through. Water from a dam breaking.

Then suddenly, the light comes back in, too. And there is a moment of peace. And then things REALLY start moving. That is when the magic starts to happen.

I'm doing a very poor job of explaining this. I think he pilfered the imagery from Thomas Merton, maybe? I could be way off on that... Anyway, I attached myself to that imagery, and have used it for years. To find comfort, to find hope. It reminded me that we all glow. And sometimes you can just SEE someone shining, right? Everyone gravitates toward that person. They don't need the mud, they're not hiding, not scared, not building walls.

someday, peeps, someday. In the meantime, Missy and whoever, I hope that there is something that you can latch on to to find some hope and know that you glow. It's just not quite time, yet, but for most of us, I believe, that just being here is cracking the crud. you know?

New age cheeseball hippy chick, yours truly. (truly.) :H (This is going to make me very self conscious in about 30 seconds. )
Ne

[Murphyx]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1118425 wrote:
Folks, Isolde and lo0p are enjoying one another's company, if you didn't get all the innuendo...

...I was also hoping that Murphy would run with it, since he is pretty good at it. But he's also a guy. And british. Which might mean (no offense, british guys) that he didn't actually figure out that Is and Lo0p are getting it on. (emotionally speaking, of course! sort of. :H) Unless he was just using more tact than I will ever give him credit for, Oh Americans are very strange. Did we get the innuendo? It was a ton of bricks. As was the previous occasion when you wondered why people weren?t taking the piss out of them. And not to mention the earlier time when they were loving up to each other and cracking on about ?Oh I think you?re hot?, ?but I'm seeing a younger man and I see you?re in love? etc etc. Yes, I figured it out, but tactless as you think I may be, it simply would have been bad form to bring it up. When a chap is getting to know his new squeeze, it simply doesn?t do for a fellow to rib them about it. It?s up to them to break the news. Good form my dear, good form.

Ne/Neva Eva;1119046 wrote: If someone makes you a sandwich it's very bad form to point out that there isn't enough mayonnaise on it, right?)

No idea. No one makes me sandwiches.:upset:

[RudyB]

Progress thread for ne

ok, so, i'm giving myself ten minutes to REWRITE the post i thoroughly wrote last night very well and then the power went out JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO HIT REPLY! FRIG!

...good thing i took notes! here goes...

NE: you absolutely should seek a yoga teacher that you like. ashtanga yoga is INTENSE! it's not a surprise that you went OUT. (lots of capitals here, how unlike me. the bac is doing a wonderful number on my typing!) bikram also appeals to me, though i have never done it. funny the yoga topic comes up, as i'm about to dive back into it myself. i can't do the trapeze this summer afterall, until i get my act together. too dangerous. note the foot injury i wrote about before. i'm pretty sure there's a message. alas, i won't be runing either, so it'll be yoga and rock climbing to give me those fabulous endorphin highs. and a hot bod, too, i presume.

NE: i loved your part about cracking the crud. some of the best phrasing i've read in a long time. i'm seeking those cracks that let in the light and those moments of peace, and finding them. hooray!

teenagers are awful, but their prefrontal cortexes (cortexi? corteses?) are under construction, so they can't be held fully accountable for their behavior. and their amagdyla are in overdrive. (for anyone out there who needs to understand teenagers better, a brilliant book to read is Why Do They Act That Way?, by whom i forget. some smart people. all about brain chemistry and also how to handle those brats. sometimes books give you lots of info, but nothing to do with it. not this one.)

missy, isn't it funny about your minors in college? sometimes the seeming randomness of our choices isn't random at all, huh? also, i relate to your enthusiasm about learning new things. you've given me some names to look into.

well, this is only a shadow of what i wrote last night, but rather than be mad at the power outage, i'm feeling thankful that we didn't get a tornado. (there was a tornado watch in my area, and thank god it didn't come. what destruction they do! poor folks in the south! i can't imagine...)

ok, i'm off to clean the house. it needs it so terribly badly.
too bad, this is so much more fun.
oxxo rudy

[beatle]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Ne,

Just wanted to say hi. And noticed you hadn't posted in a while (for you). We all know you are zoom zoom, though, and we all know you will be back here soon. Hi anyway.

Also want say thanks to Rudy, and I think she's spot on about the yoga thing -- I am at the very beginning phases (as in researching it, of course!) regarding yoga, but committed to the idea from what I read and the people I've met who do it. So, I am going to seek advice, but not on this thread I think. Maybe I'll email Rudy (if she ever answers mine ) Also, with my pre-teens to deal with now, I will start reading that book -- and yet another reason to pick Rudy's brains (if she will allow them to be picked -- not a pretty metaphor.)

And thank you missy, for a very insightful and thoughtful post.

And Murph, what can I say? You hit back hard and clever (and funny and spot on), as always.

Thanks all.

[missyabby1]

Progress thread for ne

ah, tracey, tracey. sorry we all seem like losers to you. how are you ever going to forgive people for just being ordinary folks and not hating ? I applaud your sincere and thought out political stance, and, in a way, admire it, but hey sister, unless you use your supposed intelligence and run for some political forum, one way or another, you are just another cog in the wheel. use your indignity in a political forum and show some real guts. otherwise just shut the fuck up.

missy

[Isolde]

Progress thread for ne

missyabby1;1121078 wrote: ah, tracey, tracey. sorry we all seem like losers to you. how are you ever going to forgive people for just being ordinary folks and not hating ? I applaud your sincere and thought out political stance, and, in a way, admire it, but hey sister, unless you use your supposed intelligence and run for some political forum, one way or another, you are just another cog in the wheel. use your indignity in a political forum and show some real guts. otherwise just shut the fuck up.

missy

Totally not following how/why Tracy is coming up here all of a sudden?

Sometimes it's best to just let sleeping dogs lie, especially as MWO has been so peaceful and enjoyable lately.

[RudyB]

Progress thread for ne

yeah, i was wondering about the tracey reference and decided not to paw through the threads to make the connection 'cause it sounds yucky anyway.

NE! i just re-read your post and, yes, a yoga tchr should be positive and peaceful, otherwise you're entering a potentially wonderful, healing space ass-backward and upside-down (and not in the happy headstand way). there's gotta be some affordable yoga alternatives. you don't wanna get turned off by a bad teacher. it happens all the time to people -in any 'subject'- and it's a shame, 'cause they might've found a true love with the right teacher (love for the subject, not the teacher, claro!).

in the weeds: i associate that with restaurant work. still have dreams about that state, flooded by demands and not being able to multi-task enough to keep up. often in those dreams i am naked. i waitressed for 11 years. how's your new job going? i imagine you're applying that term to your life in general. somehow i bet you handle it like a champ.

missyabby, first of ally, you're not a dickhead, even if howarth (?) is a terrible writer with bad ideas (i know not, but am excited to look into it). each human is an individual, and should feel free to like whom and whatever s/he likes, so long as doing so is not hurtful, durrr. here's a place one is free to express those preferences. on these threads i am finding people pretty remarkably accepting, so share away! your writing is great, btw.

and missy i share your ambivalence about sobriety. or maybe it's more accurate to say that i'm feeling a hugely reduced urge to drink (just entered 90 mgs/day), but still caving in to the habit of it. i still enjoy it, the escape, the happy high feeling, the comfort. and i'm drinking slightly less and feeling minimal hangover. so it's hard to kick it totally. but i think i'm careening toward indifference. whoa! but mostly halelujah! jah? jah, RASTAFARI! (how do you spell that word?!)

definitely feeling quite happy here on bac.

beatle, i'm off to respond to your email, if i can. i've been having a devil of a time w my yahoo account. maybe it's because i have 17,000 unread emails. i kid you not. it's time to purge. my email, my house, my property, my head...

xoxo rb