Progress thread for ne

[Murphyx]

Progress thread for ne

Blimey, now you mention it Paul...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Morning, all!

Boys. Seriously. :H But really.

Some bac developments in Ne-land:

I'm at 220mg, and have been for a couple of days. This is an effort to make sure that the disease is truly being addressed. I have NO interest in having to do this all again, ever, so I'm going to aim for 240mg/day and stay there for a little while. Taper down very, very slowly from that point. Like most of us on high dose bac, the lack of information about long term use concerns me. But being a drunk is not an option. So up I go and there I will stay.
SEs are pretty minimal, though some of them are annoying. I'm bac to waking up 5 hours after I go to bed. I like this one, but it's difficult to stay up past 9pm! And 2am makes for a very long day.
The jaw clenching and teeth grinding is still an issue. I'm going to continue to look for solutions to that.
I'm craving sugar in ways I can't even describe. I'm going to really commit to L-glut for a little while, despite the mixed results found around here. This is not a bac SE, imo, but a sobriety SE. Still. The amount of refined sugar I ate yesterday is appalling. Not only is it bad for me, a pint of B and J's finest/day is going to make me fat. That's not cool. I worked my butt off (literally!) to get strong and healthy. Not going to give that up now!

I finally remembered the name of a counselor that I had years ago in outpatient rehab whom I really liked. She's into meditation, and introduced me to the concept of using it as a tool. I think she's pretty old school in some ways, though. I'm wondering what the reception is going to be. I can't decide if I should let things unfold naturally, or write up my experience and give her that plus the research prior to our first appointment in a couple of weeks. Thoughts would be welcome.

I've also decided to be AF for the month of June (and forever). That makes it sound like it's a difficult decision. It's not. Not at all. It helps me avoid the one beer I might have when Ed gets home from work and opens one. Or the glass of wine with dinner because it sounds good. It also will help me clear up whether I'm drinking against my will or not. If I drink this month, it'll be against my will. Period.
I have NO craving for AL, and frankly can't remember what that's like. Really. I can't remember it at all. Which brings me to husband, Ed.

Ed. Well. He's at 160mg again, and looks haunted again. This in spite of the fact that he's not having any SEs that he can think of. We've (I've) made the decision that he should go bac down to 140mg/day and try to white knuckle it. Which is so unfair in some ways. Simply because I cannot remember what it's like to care one way or the other about booze. It is pretty painful to see him in this process. I don't know how non-alcoholic spouses do it. I think it would be a significantly different story if we weren't completely dependent on his income in order to live. I know it would be. Which is really lousy. Much the same as what you're going through, LLB, I think. HUGE transition full of opportunity, but whatever. He doesn't want it and needs some down time to get healthy.

He's got a line on another job. That may be an opportunity to take some time off. We're also going to look into the recovery center that Sunnyvalenting went to in Georgia, Accelerated Recovery. They use bac, as well as other not mainstream tools. It's outrageously expensive. We can't afford a tenth of it, but if we can work it out, finance it and find the time off for him, it would definitely be worth it.

In the meantime I hold out hope that he can go AF for a while. (He's drinking about a 6-pack, or less, of beer a night! Still. still. you know?) I wish bleep was around, he'd straighten me out and have me take Ed straight on up. Now that I'm typing this, out loud, if you will, it makes me wonder if 180mg isn't the next right step. But what if he becomes less coherent? Looks more drugged? He's under a microscope and putting out fires daily. It's not worth the risk. The irony is that he could easily get the time off, and the acknowledgement for his disease, if he went to a treatment center. (Does that make anyone else think of the water-sewage-treatment places???)
And they couldn't fire him. He wants out of there anyway, and would be able to go to the next step completely AF. God. I can't wait for that day.

In other news, unrelated to bac, I want to clarify my goals. For my own edification. Sadly I have no interest in nursing. Florence Nightingale I am not. Which is a good thing, considering what an associates degree in nursing would get me in terms of nursing.
I also have no delusions about what it is that I will understand about all of this stuff that baffles me. The amygdala baffles researchers with considerably more education and a lifetime of experience. I have NO understanding of basic biology, much less physiology. I am privileged beyond measure that I can explore these things in mid-life simply because I want to. But it will also lead to some measure of job security that I don't have. I don't mind being at the low end of the spectrum, in terms of respect and in terms of earnings, if there is an opportunity to support my real passion: Writing.
And in the meantime, the way the universe works, in my little corner of the world, opportunities happen. Who knows what I'll find along the way?

Hope it is, was or will be a good day for you folks!
Love,
Ne
-I have noticed a bunch of you checking in and hanging around, but not posting. grrr. This forum can't be carried by the few for the many, folks. just sayin
-Missy, I got your pm. I replied to find that your inbox is full. I don't know what to tell you. You have to stop attacking people who take baclofen. It's what you do. It's not okay. Period. Be well. Get well.

[Isolde]

Progress thread for ne

Just want to chime in real quick on Ed. That the two of you have decided he should go down to 140mgs honestly baffles me. How many of us have personally found that going UP actually mitigates the SEs? As for the concentration, how about you have him try some of that piracetam you told me you were going to buy?

With what you went through yourself struggling at the lower levels, this decision has left me nothing if not .

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I know. I'm already rethinking the decision, Is.

The risks are so great, it's hard to keep the focus, honestly.

also

[Murphyx]

Progress thread for ne

It's definitely a quandary the whole Ed situation. And I know exactly what you mean about the importance of him staying in work. You say he's not suffering any SEs, but he looks haunted? So, what? He's just a bit foggy and slow? If that's the case like Is says, an increase and piracetam might be a good idea.

So a writing career eh? Are you writing at the moment? And I don't mean boring school stuff. Congrats on the A btw.

[beatle]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1124975 wrote:
I'm at 220mg, and have been for a couple of days. This is an effort to make sure that the disease is truly being addressed. I have NO interest in having to do this all again, ever, so I'm going to aim for 240mg/day and stay there for a little while. Taper down very, very slowly from that point. Like most of us on high dose bac, the lack of information about long term use concerns me. But being a drunk is not an option. So up I go and there I will stay.
My sentiments exactly (after the switch)

About long-term use. I thought it had been established that long-term use is safe. I was under the impression that people with MS or other neurological (?) problems had been taking HDB for years, or even decades, without any reported negative results.

Ne/Neva Eva;1124975 wrote:
The jaw clenching and teeth grinding is still an issue. I'm going to continue to look for solutions to that.
There is a holistic solution to this. It's called a mouth guard. The dentist makes an impression of your teeth (upper jaw is usually enough, but can do lower, too) and makes a rubbery-plasticy-thingy (that's probably not the correct term) to fit over your teeth. When you grind your teeth and clench your jaw, the impact is significantly reduced, and you end up clenching/grinding less, too. It cost me about $150, so it is not the cheapest solution. On the other hand, supplements can add up over time, so it could be cost-efficient (assuming it works for you) in the long run. I had the exact same problem as you, Ne, and this really helped it. btw, I had one made about 10 years ago and it was so uncomfortable that I couldn't wear it. I told my dentist I didn't want one because of that, and he practically guaranteed me that it would be comfortable this time round (new materials or better technique, or both... not sure). I find the new one very comfortable and I miss it when I forget it (or can't find it uch. It also keeps you teeth from moving around, which is generally a problem as you get towards middle age.


Ne/Neva Eva;1124975 wrote: I'm craving sugar in ways I can't even describe. I'm going to really commit to L-glut for a little while, despite the mixed results found around here. This is not a bac SE, imo, but a sobriety SE. Still. The amount of refined sugar I ate yesterday is appalling. Not only is it bad for me, a pint of B and J's finest/day is going to make me fat. That's not cool. I worked my butt off (literally!) to get strong and healthy. Not going to give that up now!

You are right. The sugar craving is not a bac SE. In fact, bac helps many people with sugar cravings. It is def a sobriety SE, that almost everyone seems to go through when they get sober, bac or no bac. L-glut helps most people, and until recently, I have never heard of SEs. I wonder if it is the brand? Of course, we know that every individual's chemistry and body is, well, individual -- so it may just be a very rare SE in very few people.

Ne/Neva Eva;1124975 wrote: Ed. Well. He's at 160mg again, and looks haunted again. This in spite of the fact that he's not having any SEs that he can think of. We've (I've) made the decision that he should go bac down to 140mg/day and try to white knuckle it. Which is so unfair in some ways.But what if he becomes less coherent? Looks more drugged? He's under a microscope and putting out fires daily. It's not worth the risk.

I agree with the others. It seems that many, if not most, have experienced a decrease in SEs when they went up. Is it possible to try it... or do you think the risk is too great?

And I don't understand what you mean by "looks haunted". Is that a bac SE? (Maybe because of insomnia? But then that would indeed be an SE, and you said he's not having SEs.)

Also, does looking haunted matter for his job? If he performs, that's all that should matter, I would think. But who knows, maybe he really does perform, and he works in one of those open kitchens where the cooks really are on display? Or maybe he even works in a hibachi restaurant ... those cooks are really on display, they are the performers, and their job is a show. But in that case, you REALLY need to be careful with the bac-- Don't want Ed throwing those knifes around on HDB(:H)

But my experience on higher doses has been that I get sloppy, discombobulated, and incoherent only when I am sendentary, and I get a bit manic once I start moving around, especially if I am in a high stress situation. (Still, I wouldn't risk throwing knifes around, even if I was very good at it.) But I do recall that Redhead had a disconcerting, perhaps dangerous, or even life-threatening, experience in her demanding nursing job (was it in ER?), making HDB not an option for her. Maybe it is the same for Ed? Couldn't judge from where I am sitting.

Ne/Neva Eva;1124975 wrote: In other news, unrelated to bac, I want to clarify my goals. For my own edification. Sadly I have no interest in nursing. Florence Nightingale I am not. Which is a good thing, considering what an associates degree in nursing would get me in terms of nursing.
I also have no delusions about what it is that I will understand about all of this stuff that baffles me. The amygdala baffles researchers with considerably more education and a lifetime of experience. I have NO understanding of basic biology, much less physiology. I am privileged beyond measure that I can explore these things in mid-life simply because I want to. But it will also lead to some measure of job security that I don't have. I don't mind being at the low end of the spectrum, in terms of respect and in terms of earnings, if there is an opportunity to support my real passion: Writing.

I thought you clarified this perfectly before. And here. And it makes perfect sense to me. I'm inclined to do something similar, but in a different way. (We all have to find our own way, don't we? :dog

[beatle]

Progress thread for ne

Other holistic ideas (supplements) for clarity and alertness:

Phosphatidyl Serine (this worked great for me in a high stress situation -- until I had to mitigate it with a half-litre of vodka, upon which I collapsed and blacked out in the middle of a crowded, high stress situation (involving deadlines and technical problems).

Rhodiola Rosea Haven't tried this yet, but take a look at the discussion about this on Holistic. I ordered some, and it says "Supports optimal energy and mood". I was warned to only get the Siberian kind (the Chinese kind is contaminated). If you are interested, email me and I will tell you the brand I ordered and why... still can't tell you the results, though.

Busy Brain Release: It says "fast-acting for calm and clarity". Has lots of Bs and Gaba and herbs in it. Haven't tried it yet either, though.

Oh yeah, there was one more, but I left it at home. And can't remember it. Of course,:upset: I think it was the best one, too. Will report back in 2 weeks.

And I'm not even sure if these apply to Ed's needs.

I need the calming ones when I am moving (zoom zoom) and the phosphadityl Serine when I am feeling slugggish.

But there it is.

[beatle]

Progress thread for ne

ok, over and out for me from MWO, until I post later on my thread. Lots of thanks to give there, especially to Reg, who gave me the most amazing theme song ever. Can't turn it off. I won't post it here, though, because it doesn't really apply to Ne, I think. (Also, this way, I will generate more traffic on my thread, which makes me feel good... even if it isn't because of me )

[beatle]

Progress thread for ne

Ok, that was blatant and very selfish ... and it could apply to many who read Ne's thread anyway -- and even to Ed, in fact (so, for those who can't be bothered to go over to my thread and wade through it to find it:upset, I post it here.

(and it doesn't even matter if it doesn't apply to you, because it's a GREAT song (and video)).

click on it and enjoy. (I've done it about 200 times already today.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Zwn1QP9CIk[/video]]YouTube - ‪Lambchop - Give It‬‏

[beatle]

Progress thread for ne

Also, I think that this song/vid deserves a little more exposure. 6,092 views, say what?

[beatle]

Progress thread for ne

one more thing, before I give Ne back her thread (and really sign off for a few hours):

the guy in this video looks exactly like me (though Reg couldn't have known that).

[ik1966]

Progress thread for ne

:nutso::nutso::nutso:

hi again wanted to say hello!!

hugs irini

yes we have a nice hotel you are more than welcome...

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Ne! Good to see you again! Lots going on here as usual!

I am here to tell you that going back to 140mg's is a terrible idea, why would you even consider it? Ed will be the first person I can think of that you have given that piece of advice to. I get that Ed is in a critical phase right now, the sooner this gets done, the sooner Ed can reap the benefits, or is that too simplistic?

Also, why would you go to a prohibitively expensive rehab? You are sitting on the world's best home rehab tool, and you are the proof that it works!

[Murphyx]

Progress thread for ne

I've just realised it's our 4 month anniversary. :bday3:

Hmmmmmm, but is it?

Does February 4th really count if we've been drinking and even been drunk since? I'm not sure.

I'm thinking that for me 4th Feb was Switch day, but the next, and just as important, day was when I reached the next step and became abstinent - 21st May.

Happy anniversary?

And I note that you ONCE AGAIN forgot. Yes my feelings are hurt. Yes I think I may cry soon. Oh no, I have to go...here come the water works......:upset:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

ik1966;1125292 wrote:
hi again wanted to say hello!!
hugs irini

Hi, Irini! Hi to you! Thanks so much for the words of encouragement before. And congratulations on how well it's going! I love it when I hear from you!

Here's my update, fwiw:

I made some mistakes at work yesterday, undermined the manager (by accident) and in general have been very arrogant about working there, in terms of my expectations for input ($) vs. my output (as little as possible.)

And lo and behold, they hired another server. No sweat, right? (I really am that good when I apply myself, after all!) Here's the thing: He's worked there for a couple of months. He already knows more than I do. They didn't WANT to hire him before. Now they do. Coincidence? I think not. And the truth is, even though the mantra in my head has been that this job doesn't fit in with my long term goals, I HAVE to have it. I got it because I was well connected, and I've done very little to earn the recommendation so far.

Which brings us to Ed. I was fairly convinced yesterday that I'd made a mistake, and that he should go up! up! up! But his job is on the line. And without his job we are fairly destitute. I'm pretty sure that most of the people here can relate to the economic crisis facing the known universe, which trickles down to the fact that for every good job there are lots and lots of applicants. Ed is in the top 5%, for earning (and accomplishment!) for his line of work. You can imagine how many jobs there are available at that level. And how many applicants. If he loses his job, or even if he doesn't perform well, it will be that much more difficult to get a new, and better, one.
If he looks stoned, hungover, exhausted, well...
If he is ambivalent, having trouble with his memory, unable to connect the dots or react with a sense of urgency...
Add to that all of the other things that could happen on HDB and we're in a world of trouble.
A world of trouble and we won't be able to afford bac. Much less my fancy new computer, our commitment to real food, dentist visits, car payments, you name it. And then, folks, I won't even be able to get drunk. And I'm pretty sure I'll want to.

Eyes on the goal would also include making sure there is a roof over our heads. Food in the fridge. A gentle transition to the next step, one that we've worked very, very hard for.

With that in mind, I think he should hold off on the escalating bac and I think he oughta try not drinking. Alcohol is no longer a focus in this home. The tools are there. We just have to use them. All of them. Humility and dedication will go a long way toward making this a success.

Honestly for that reason alone, I miss the 12 steps. I long for steps that would help navigate this process, as much as I long for a doctor who would help me navigate bac.

One of the fundamental concepts in other recovery programs is inclusion and support. That is sorely lacking around here, methinks. So perhaps one of the answers to your question, Murphy, about why the participation in these threads is so lopsided is that there are so many threads that go unanswered or are answered in a way that is not very ... supportive. (check out the newbies nest! I remember that Evey posited a question there, and I don't think anyone has answered her! There are many like that! Also, a woman who started here was given the impression that she shouldn't try bac because she lacked commitment and fortitude. She's now posting in the baclofen forum. Also, I heard from someone that it's too busy in here, too hard to break in. Also, we've excluded a significant portion of this very forum we inhabit. All of which I have participated in, and contributed to. Which fills me with regret and remorse. Which is already a heavy burden in new-sobriety. So. Time to change that!)

It's not yet 3am. I slept for 4 hours. I have some other SEs at 220mg/day that make life rather challenging. (somnolence, lack of focus and concentration, etc...)

Has anyone read anything by Kay Redfield Jameison? She has manic depression. And she's brilliant. She struggled for years with her disease because she hated taking lithium. The side effects were awful. A lot like what I experience from taking baclofen. But every time she stopped taking it, or didn't take it the right way, or in the right amount, she'd go off the rails. (Running naked in the parking lot, completely manic. Or conversely, suicidal depression that left her in a dark room alone and isolated.) So she takes her medicine, after years of struggle, and she gets on with life. She's a renowned professor at Johns Hopkins University, does incredible research, lectures, teaches, and has written at least two incredible books. And she's done it completely lithium'd out.

I bet she works very, very hard, with her eyes on the goal. So despite my discomfort, and despite the fact that I live in a fairytale of privilege right now, I really need to stop resting on my laurels, comfortable though they are, and get busy. Mostly, though, I NEED to TAKE MY MEDICINE. Because I was a drunk and I don't ever want to be again.

Right now getting busy, and setting up my day for success, means going bac to bed and getting some more sleep! :H
So peace out! Love to you all, especially the ones who are still sick and suffering and can't quite post yet. We'll be here when you do!
:l
Ne

beatle;1125269 wrote:
the guy in this video looks exactly like me (though Reg couldn't have known that).

He does a bit. In a very funny and flattering cartoonish way. :H