Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

omg. Ed is in the house. Be good people.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Ed apparently doesn't have the patience to hang around here. Not sure what I'm worried about...It's been ages since I've been inappropriate. I'm becoming boring.

Ruby, I am NOT tongue in cheek about the whole thing. The rational part of me really doesn't give a shit. i can't sit through a movie to save my life. don't even have time/inclination for People magazine anymore. still, i think i'd be self-conscious and gawky. silly ne.

RedT. I'm glad it's well hidden. I've got my hands full with this reality. Methinks you read too much mind expanding stuff. Try People magazine. Me? I'll stick to bio 101. It's actually fascinating. Don't tell anyone but I think I love chemistry. Really. Who knew?
And yes. They keep coming and coming and coming. Pretty cool.

I can't wait to see a buff bleep.

I have a new undocumented Side Effect! Woop woop! Go Ne!

Fastidiousness. Ed's got it bad. Shoe polishing. Pants pressing. Cleaning out long-ignored spaces. Remember (some of you?) my obsession with the pantry. beatle can attest to the fact that it's not just the pantry. It's about every cubby hole in this joint! I am seriously, literally, surprised that it's not color-coded and alphabetical. Except that would be a waste of time, right? My fastidiousness-streak was limited to getting stuff done, put away in the right place.
But it also extended itself to personal hygiene stuff. I shave my legs every day. wth? toes, nails, hair, teeth. Completely thorough in all of these things, and they were pretty well taken care of before. Not obsessively, just thoroughly.
Ed's going through the same thing.
Needless to say I am LOVING it. All the boy-areas around here are getting as beautified as the girl areas, in a masculine way of course. (the tools are ORGANIZED! Seriously!)
(Thing is, I think it's dose dependent and for me happened just prior to and just after indifference. It lingers, for sure, my home is still straight, but sadly I'm not convinced that EVERY stitch of clothing must be cleaned and put away at all times. It piles up on the guest bed again. I need a guest to motivate me. hmmm. Maybe I'll call my mom... anyhoo.)
Anyone else out there?

Haven't heard the damn song again, even though it's in constant rotation. I'll pm it to you because now I'm all self-conscious about it.

xo peeps. Happy Sunday.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

I can definitely relate to the fastidiousness effect of baclofen. It is level dependent, to a degree, at one level I was even considering getting a proper haircut, ffs. I've cut my own hair for as long as I can remember. My cupboards were straightened out, my two screwdrivers were neatly arranged (subsequently replaced with a million piece toolkit), the whole house got the treatment. Thankfully it calmed down, but it's still there, a bit. Witness the new toolkit, the light in the kitchen that needed replacing since forever, and several other little chores that now just get done.

Just this morning I have done more DIY around the home than I have done in my entire life pre-baclofen. I'm really irritated the hardware stores are closed and I can't complete one of the tasks until tomorrow.

[RudyB]

Progress thread for ne

yep, ditto (or tritto?) on the fastidiousness. i've long-ago cleaned my pantry, and it is still very nicely laid out. i've hired help and she's tackling corners of my house that have long been totally ignored (and unusable). i've washed the moldy sides of the fridge, even the walls of the cupboards. boy was it a long, ugly winter, and my house was SOOOO dirty! oh, i even fixed my own lawn mower. got out some tools which are a chaotic mess cause i haven't gotten to ex-hubby's shit that abounds in piles, and did it meself! (i won't be organizing his messes, i'll be putting them in boxes and taking them up to his dojo.)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y[/video]]YouTube - ‪Mumford & Sons - The Cave‬‏

xo

[taw]

Progress thread for ne

Still waiting for my zoom zoom to kick in!!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I had a v.b.d. yesterday. A very bad day. It started when I woke up and noticed I'd missed my last 40mg. It happens every now and then, but it's been a while.
A friend in pain, no love notes in my inbox, a test looming, and then the day just got annoying, the way days do.
Fast forward and I'm on my way home after drear. A nice cold beer sounds good. La Di Da...Thoughts are moving right along. And then there it is again. A sweating glass of wine, sitting on the porch, all of the magazines and newspapers I haven't read. A nice reward for a job not-so-well-done.
Move on an hour or so. Damned if it didn't happen again with a little more urgency behind it. I thought, "Oh, no." Then I went straight to, "IT doesn't work. This is all for naught. What's the trigger? Is it school? No, wait, it's that post that's been rubbing. MWO! Biology test. Stress. SOMETHING!"
All the time I'm going about my business, sitting here alone on the couch, working. Fridge has beer. Pantry has beer and wine. There's even some vodka from the brunch I made for friends on Sunday. It never occurred to me to actually get a drink.
But then it did. THAT was TERRIFYING. The witching hour was full on, and I had an inkling of that white hot need in my belly.
I grabbed the dog and the iPod. Went for a run and could only walk.

I thought, "This doesn't work. I'll go to AA! I swear, I'll do anything, God. I'll leave my husband, reinvent myself again. I will do ANYTHING to not go bac there again. This doesn't work. I hate.hate.hate. everything."

And then I remembered those little white pills on my nightstand. And I burst into tears while walking my dog in the lovely evening. I was taken back, immediately, to when I used to make that walk with Ignominious, and bleep and others who aren't here anymore, in mind. When I prayed for freedom, and shortly after I found it.
I used to run in the pre-dawn hours thinking of the people I was meeting on MWO, before I knew their names. Sometimes I ran in the early afternoon, hoping to outrun the vicious voices in my mind, the siren song of the beast.
Once again I carried everyone here close to my heart and looked at my city through your eyes.
And I knew what indifference means for me. No craving. No chemical imbalance in my brain telling me to find solace in any way possible. Choice, truly, to drink or not to drink.

I came home and did all of the things I'd learned about avoiding drinking from the other program. I made a huge dinner, relaxed, watched tv. (ugh. that should be a trigger if ever there was one! For me anyway.) Ed came home, I told him all about it. Cried a little, in part honestly, that he and others I love are still struggling with the beast.

It was only in bed later that I realized that there was beer and wine and vodka within arms reach the whole time I was avoiding my craving. That Ed came home and opened beer after beer (but not many!) and I never once thought about having one for myself. (Though, to be honest, when I opened one for him, I almost took a sip. )

The medicine works for me. After much trial and error, I've settled on a regular dosing schedule of the same amount, day after day. Even a small variation in how much I take has a profound effect. It always has, even the first 15mg to 30mg bump.

I also stopped drinking altogether, even when the idea of an alcoholic beverage sounded yummy. I'll keep that up, despite the fact that it would be fun to get drunk the day after tomorrow, when my 30 days are over. And knowing it probably doesn't make a difference in the short run. I don't like the way even one beer makes me feel the next day, and I've got too much to do to not be at my best when I can choose.

If the cravings return, you'll likely meet a brand new Karen, one in nun's garb, praying on her knees to whomever or whatever will listen, because if there is one thing I am sure of, I am NEVER, Neva eva EVA going bac. This life is too good.

That is the secret to my zoom-zoom btw. Everyday is exciting and new because I get to choose what it brings. The choice to drink or not has given me the new found confidence to choose just about anything now. I live mostly free of the regret and remorse for the poor choices I made that closed so many avenues of my life. I get to choose NOW. And oh, boy, the choices are sunshine-y fun. Really.

Keep taking the medicine, taw. You'll get there, even if you don't see the difference now, I can *see* it here on MWO. You're a different woman than the one who started lo those many months ago. Read your thread. It's all there. When you do get there, don't waste time with the has-beens. You can decide if you want to be a nuclear engineer or star in one of the flicks that whats-his-name is always going on about. (though I'd think long and hard about that one. ha!) YOU get to DECIDE.

Finally, (at long last, I know) ambiguity has never held much allure for me. I don't believe the switch exists, I haven't ever really, since I found indifference. It certainly didn't happen for me. I simply started caring less and less. Then I started forgetting--to buy booze, to drink it when I had it, to open it when I got home. I finally decided to just not drink. And then the miracle grew. Time. Thank goodness for time.

Love, love, love you all. Hope your Wednesday is, was or will be what mine is going to be like.
zooooooooooooooooooooooom
Ne

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

I was under the impression that the switch and indifference are the same thing?

And taking less baclofen, then having cravings, is to be expected! It doesn't mean you have to abandon months of hard work and join a nunnery! There's absolutely no reason to expect that baclofen will suddenly stop working. There a chemical shortage in your body, baclofen fills it, why would it suddenly stop?

As you say, you now have the choice, and that's what it's all about really.

[Murphyx]

Progress thread for ne

Huh? You don't believe in the 'switch' and never have? But you do have indifference?

I'm not talking about yesterday when obviously things went wrong, but on every other day you are wholly indifferent and don't employ any other tools to avoid cravings, but you haven't 'switched'?



whats-his-name

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Murphyx;1138822 wrote: whats-his-name
:H I was trying not to call you out!

Murphyx;1138822 wrote: Huh? You don't believe in the 'switch' and never have? But you do have indifference? bleep;1138815 wrote: I was under the impression that the switch and indifference are the same thing?

I have always maintained that I didn't experience a switch. I decided not to drink on February 4th, after struggling to continue drinking for a couple of weeks before that, with greater or lesser success, but never with much gusto.

Indifference is the only word I/we have for what I experienced. It was effortless to avoid drinking. I didn't know it at first. I waited 6 days until I "announced" because it was only after I had been around alcohol and drinking and found myself still not drinking that I was sure I had reached what Dr. L calls the golden point. Which is also a lame name, if you ask me.
Indifference for me means I get to choose because I don't crave alcohol anymore. I realized this yesterday as I was literally stuffing my mouth with chocolate. I hadn't eaten enough, was really hungry, and craved chocolate. With my mouth so full I could barely breath (literally. I'm quite sure it was an unpleasant sight.) I simply wasn't hungry anymore and didn't even want to swallow what I was chewing. THAT is a normal reaction to food, even chocolate! :H I've never experienced that with alcohol until now. In fact, I think alcohol is the ONLY thing I have never experienced that satiation with. Every other drug I've tried I found lacking, because I knew when I'd had enough and just didn't want to continue. Then the party gets boring, you know? Ha!

Indifference to me is the choice. I can drink, and know when I don't want anymore. But I dare not risk it, I think. Plus, it really does make me feel yucky the next day. Even a beer. Not hungover, just not good in my mind-space.

bleep;1138815 wrote: And taking less baclofen, then having cravings, is to be expected!

Well, of course. But I didn't think about that in the moment. I was terrified, really, bleep. I really started thinking that if the cravings returned I would have to change my life so dramatically, so drastically, in order to be okay, that life as I know it would be over. Keep in mind that I feel like I've tried everything there is to try to stay sober before I found bac. None of it worked for me. Bac did, and does, and is still a trifecta panacea of sorts. Antidepressant, anti-anxiety, anti-addiction. But only when I take it regularly and on the same dose. Variation in bac is not my friend.

I'll be visiting your thread, dear Murphy, sometime soon. In so many ways I thought what you wrote was spot-on. And of course, eloquent. Except one. The big one. Bac later. I let myself out of bed at 3am and I'm crashing now, in spite of the coffee.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[terryk]

Progress thread for ne

hi Ne, I sent you an email last week. just wondering if you got it. and your pm box is full. no biggie. -tk

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

dude. You are not a thread killer. Quite the opposite apparently.
My taste in music is lousy. It all centers around booze, or lack of booze, or empowerment or lack of power. Very annoying. Just like me, sometimes.
That's why you're posts are good for me. Keeps me a little bit balanced or some such thing as that. whatev. I like the tunes you send. Especially the one with the (self-described) fat Jewish British activist comedian. He's rather...different. and I like it.

TERRY!
Very funny, that post.
I literally hit sent on an email to you when this popped up in my inbox. (seriously. check out the time stamp.)
That said, it's a lame response. But not for long.
Sadly the pm box is simply a reflection of my mind and my days this week. To be taken care of tomorrow, that blessed day, SATURDAY when me-time shall be reinstated and I may sleep in until 5am. Be wary, my friends that haven't heard from me. Be very wary of opening the email/pm box tomorrow!
xo and :H

[missyabby1]

Progress thread for ne

Hey Ne thanks for the picture of the tortoise. Still not sure about the bac, but doing really well on nal. Guess its horses for courses. Wouldn't have sent you such , couldn't be so damn rude.

Missy xx

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Missy!
Hi!
If you are referring to a tortoise? I have one that I use as an avatar every now and then. It reflects, to me, my long, slow but steady process.
It also, of course, stands for the allegory.
It is also a very personal story, and since you asked, sort of, I'll tell you. That particular beast was crossing the driveway (or what passes for one) at my parent's house in the country. It was so damn slow that I had to wait for-ever for it to move enough so that I could continue on my way. (my dog was going ballistic in the car. it was a very hot day, the AC couldn't keep up with the blazing sun. I was hungover. It was not a good scene.)
Got to the house, grabbed my dad and a camera and a very heavy cast iron crate, sort of like a milk crate. My nephews were coming and we wanted to show them the throw back to prehistoric times. It was HUGE, larger than a dinner plate, smaller than a MiniCooper, but barely. My dad went to put the crate on top of it and it opened it's maw and was downright menacing. It moved so quickly he couldn't get it covered without fear of hurting it.
Finally, covered, and in the shade, we left it for the rest of the day. When I went back the next morning the crate was cattywampus and the turtle was gone.
That was one determined pleistocene throwback. Wouldn't be rushed, wouldn't be caged, and fierce as hell. I like the image, still.
If that is not the picture you are referring to, I can't imagine what it was. I'm pretty sure that the only pictures I've posted on here were from a bar in the same area...related to Spotted Dick (the cake) and something else...
I'm really glad you're doing well. Your last pm was a little worrisome, and your pm box was full so I couldn't respond.
I'm also glad you didn't give up.
Many of us are unsure about bac. Had to look up "horses for courses" because I didn't want to misunderstand it. How true! How apt!
Be well, and take good care of yourself, Missy. Glad you're bac(k)!
Ne

[RudyB]

Progress thread for ne

ne, when you pm'd me one of those first times, i saw the tortoise and was truly amused, not a bit offended. in my case, though, it was pretty obvious why you'd put it there (and i soon figured out it was part of your avatar). it was during that time when redhead was worried about going blind. and i had no idea about the reference; i asked about three times if red was having trouble with her eyes. finally, you pm'd me to enlighten. the tortoise was the perfect response. evidently, going blind is a punishment for being naughty.

now i know; i'm not slow on the uptake, i just don't know all of those stories (fortunately). and thanks for the kindness that you gave in explaining. you are one generous woman, ne!