Progress thread for ne

[RudyB]

Progress thread for ne

good on you, ne, that you got to your exit! (you may have read about the major snag in my life when i missed mine the other day. still recovering from that!)

oh, and yeah, good that you got through your lust for beer. that feels good, huh?!

and what was your work that you did all day?!!!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

It's the school thing, Rubyd, and the lack o' work thing, and the taking care of life things. Busy busy. Glad the zoom is returning, a bit. Glad you're recovering!

Ne/Neva Eva;1145873 wrote: I know of more people who are successfully moderating on bac than I do of people who are successfully abstaining. It's not just you, bleep! Lo0p, of course, but several others that are here or have gone before. Problem, for me, is that it is ALL so new, there aren't any guarantees. I'd like a guarantee. Non-refundable, no fine print.

This is not accurate. I tried to think of all of the people I have followed up on and I couldn't actually think of many people who drink more than very occasionally. Of course, I couldn't think of many people in general! Unlike some (BP :H) I do not have access to hordes of HDB people. Just a few collected over time.

[missyabby1]

Progress thread for ne

Yey, Ne.......good to see you too! Don't want to fight, don't want to argue...Not much else to say at the moment. Nal made me feel really ill.............guess that's what we got to talk about here on the meds thread. Not going really well on the sobriety trip at the moment. Seems sorting life out is top priority but without sobriety that is a pretty tall ask. Ah the swings and roundabouts. The knowing what's not good for you and then moving on from it. Seems to be neva ending. The moving away from destructive habits...lifelong habits indeed and yet the longing to do so. It seems to get us all!

It would seem that all of us , in some way , pay a price . Yes, love my words, always have, my aunty was a French teacher and loved to correct us on our English and our French, God Bless her. I love my words!

The lady in the park has come to breakfast, and her dog, and we have sorted out some welfare help for her. I think she thought we were nuts......not the other way round!:H

Missy

[Cassander]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1145440 wrote: (an aside: One of the things that is absolutely missing from this whole bac/MWO experience in terms of recovery is aftercare, right? What to care about AFTER you no longer care about booze! :H And what to do if you start caring again??? and :upset

Ne

Well, that's the conundrum of life isn't it?

This is way oversimplified, but here's what to care about:

1. Work: Find and keep a meaningful job that is the center of your life.
2. Take Care: Get regular exercise, for all of its benefits, physical and mental, eat and sleep right, live within your means
3. Do good: Make this a better place
4. Share: don't be selfish and accept support. Reach out to spouse, family, friends, the community. Get and stay connected.

At least its a beginning...

Cassander

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Working on it as never before, Cassander! I think it's the beginning and the end goal, isn't it?!
Missy, I'm so very sorry, I simply don't have time, and I am rather desperate to let this thread go! If you start a thread, or participate in one, we can ALL pitch in our support and offers of friendship. Everyone here knows what it's like to be drunk. Medication often comes with SEs. Especially the ones that are changing your brain and body. Pick your poison, Missy. The one that's going to kill you or the one that's going to save you.

Ed went to a bar last night to catch up with a friend. A place that specializes in beers from around the globe, the kind of stuff you can't get anywhere in this area. He left with $7 in his pocket, but also with credit cards, etc... He said he was curious about how it was going to be to drink soda water, rather than beer. I was VERY dubious. In fact, I had no doubt that he was going to get drunk. I can't really describe the anxiety I felt about this turn of events. It's reminiscent of past very, very bad times. Several hundred dollar bar bills being the least of the damage.

Three hours later, concerned, I texted him. No answer. So I called. He picked up. I couldn't tell if he was sober... So I pretended to go to bed. He got home after midnight. Stone cold sober. Happy. Had a really nice time...
He was so incredibly productive yesterday, focused, excited, on task. I have no doubt that he will accomplish, with his next position, all of the things that are important to us! It's a relief not to carry the burden alone anymore. We carried drunkenness together. I'm glad we can carry sobriety together.

Not only does this medicine work, it's miraculous. Booze has no place, no room, no anything in my life anymore. I choose Life. I can't believe the debts I owe for this, and am thrilled to try to fulfill them. I hope we can meet in Chicago in October. I hope the lurkers come out more often, it's very quiet in here. I hope we all stay focused and clear on the goal.

I sincerely hope I/we can let this thread go for a little bit.

Peace out peeps! Good day to you all.
Love, Ne

[Bruunhilde]

Progress thread for ne

Neva my friend, it sounds like things are going well for Ed, which is excellent, and the positive thinking going on in your house is amazing. Consider six months ago ... I know, I know, I can't stop harping on that. Just WOW.

Missy, good for you, thanks from the world for helping that homeless person. Not many people would have the courage to invite a homeless person into their home.

Cass, great points to keep in mind. I like the living within your means thing. That helps avoid stress and freak-outs which lead to falling off the wagon. The rest of it was all important too, don't want to take away from that. Exercise is on my list this week, to increase and dedicate myself to it. Self Care.

Okay, I'll let this thread go.... if you insist.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Struggling?

About a month ago I woke up without my zoom-zoom. It was just gone. Didn't fizzle out, taper off, wind down. It simply disappeared.
The first indication was that I didn't want to get out of bed. Normally, meaning the last 6 months or so, I'm just ready to start the day. Usually with a woop-woop and a grin. Really.

That day progressed and I couldn't focus. I had a huge to-do list and some pretty serious deadlines and it seemed like I couldn't accomplish a single task. At first it was frustrating, but frankly it became a little scary. That might sound like an exaggeration, but truly I was frightened. It reminded me of the old me. The one who woke up with the best of intentions about meeting expectations, and by noon I was back in bed for a three hour nap. (This is not to say that I have a problem with naps. They're crucial to my existence. In small, refreshing doses.)

The zoom-zoom was not, ftr, a high. I never felt high or out of sorts. I knew that I was happy, that I was unusually focused (for me), but these things were not out of the realm of normalcy. I had moments of doubt and angst. I had lousy days and 'fuck it' days. I got tired and slept normally, for a solid 6 hours. My friends were not concerned. There were some indications that this wasn't...well, that it was bac-induced and might go away. All of this was unrelated to drinking, or craving or anything like that.

I got a prescription for adderall. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 18, so I'm familiar with a whole host of stimulants that are prescribed for those purposes. At first the adderall was helpful. Who am I kidding? It's still helpful. :H How could it not be? But the crash...oy and ouch. I'm not a fan of drug induced anything (lol, I know.) But really, anything so artificially stimulating that it leaves one aching and so fuzzy as to not be able to read... (Okay, quick clarification: Baclofen doesn't count, for me. I was, and am, willing to go to any lengths to get rid of the beast. I will happily live the rest of my life in a fog if it means that I am not enslaved by my disease. Fortunately it didn't work out that way.)

Already long story cut short: Ten days ago I went down to 180mg/day, from 200mg, which I've been taking for 6 weeks or so. That made matters much worse. I slept most of the day yesterday, or dozed rather. Over my textbook, watching tv; if I was still, I was dozing. I also took three naps. Maybe more?

Is this a function of ADD? Is it baclofen? If I go up (or down?) will I find some sort of equilibrium again?

I've also wondered, and was waiting to find out, if this is a matter of perception. Was I really that productive? That on target? That ON? I was, actually.
Is it a matter of stress, and external demands? Maybe. Life was pretty chaotic there for a couple of months, and it's calmed down considerably. The tasks/chores that were a reflection of my alcoholism have been taken care of, and there is not a cabinet in this apartment that has not been organized. With the exception of the one below the sink in the bathroom. Which I started about 2 weeks ago. The stuff is still strewn about the bathroom, and I couldn't care less. It drives Ed crazy. He's also pretty alarmed. He told me the other night that he needs me...Can't have me falling apart... And I can't bring myself to do the dishes.
Add to the injury that I'm just off. I think it's evidenced in my participation here, but it's definitely evident in my life just about everywhere.

I'd desperately like some input, you experienced bac-ers out there that don't often post... Lo0p, Tip, Terry, Isolde, RedT? Anyone else on HDB...
What happened to my happy place? And how do I get bac to the land of rainbows and sunshine? Or at least the land of lines-through-the-to-do-list. All frippery aside, what happened to my equilibrium?

:boohoo:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Also, and sorry for the tome, the angst is bac. It goes something like this:
Ed and I were on a road trip. The highways around here are a nightmare, in terms of traffic flow. When the lanes went from 4 to 2, my thought was that if we ever had to evacuate (not unheard of) off of our peninsula, we'd be fucked. (also not an irrational fear.)
I started to create scenarios about how to get out of the area should a hurricane hit. Ed and I have a plan for this, and have for years. Every single scenario I came up with the other day, as we're driving along on a beautiful Saturday morning, ended up with someone I love dying. Most often it was me. Reflect bac on the most harrowing visions that resulted from Katrina, and there I was, the star of the evening bad-news. wtf, people?
I'm not depressed, morose, angrier than usual... Still full of hope, with a goal and the wherewithal to make it happen... But my mind is not treating me well. Even in the moment I knew I was thinking erroneously. I still couldn't stop the carousel.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

zoom zoom is something amazing, there is no doubt about it. Alas, mine too has faded, and I back to normalBleep. I fiddled around enormously with my dose trying to reclaim it, but never managed, so I gave up. That in itself is a feature of normalBleep! SuperBleep would have found a way! I don't know of many other people who have experienced it though?

As to getting it back? I wish I knew how. I'm trying as well...

[RudyB]

Progress thread for ne

ne what u describe is EXACTLY my current state right down to the dosages! more later from the libe. laptop still not here waa.

[Murphyx]

Progress thread for ne

At the risk of stating the bleeding obvious:

Ten days ago I went down to 180mg/day, from 200mg, which I've been taking for 6 weeks or so. That made matters much worse.

The last time this came up, oh I don't know maybe a month or so ago, you had dropped down to 200. Then, I think I may have suggested you go back up. Now I wonder what I could possibly suggest you do this time....hmmmmm.....let me think.

Recently, when I was lamenting my loss of indifference or just whining about life being a bit shitty, or whateva, a wise person said to me "will you just stop fucking around with your dose, you stupid bald fuck?" those may not have been the exact words she used but that's how I remember it.

The drop to 200 didn't work out for you, so quelle surprise dropping down to 180 didn't either.

Up your dose you daft tart!
:l

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Where'd you send this laptop to get fixed? Jeesh, every time I format my opinion of America and it's people, something like this happens and I have to do it all over again. I thought they were quick with this sort of thing??

[missyabby1]

Progress thread for ne

Maybe your suggestion just went unnoticed Murph. We can't all follow your suggestions you know......at the end of the day, being called a "daft tart" when your suggestions aren't taken heed of may give that person a chance to sort it out for themselves. You continue to show yourself in many guises, the helper, the expert, etc etc. And then you put yourself down by calling yourself a bald idiot. Oh, the boring, ordinariness , of a man way behind the times. Calling women "daft tarts" etc etc...where on earth do you get these old, old sayings from?Your dad maybe? God, one would hope we have moved on from there. Respect, Murph. Try it.

Missy

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

RudyB;1153271 wrote: ne what u describe is EXACTLY my current state right down to the dosages! more later from the libe. laptop still not here waa.
Dude. Seriously. The laptop is so fundamental to my existence, I can't imagine. SO sorry. I actually thought you might be experiencing something like that... Was a little concerned, but also thought it wasn't so bad that I oughta shout it out...
Fortunately there is a decent suggestion to follow:

Murphyx;1153289 wrote: "will you just stop fucking around with your dose, you stupid bald fuck?" those may not have been the exact words she used but that's how I remember it.
:l

I don't think she said, "stupid, bald fuck." She might have said, "you ignorant shaved-sheep-shagger. Fuck."

bleep;1153291 wrote: Where'd you send this laptop to get fixed? Jeesh, every time I format my opinion of America and it's people, something like this happens and I have to do it all over again. I thought they were quick with this sort of thing??

Dude. Seriously. The U.S. is nothing if not consistently inconsistent. Unlike Zim, where you can expect exactly the same thing no matter how ludicrous. It is rather outrageously frustrating that way. I can't tell you how many times (a day!) I wish I could just feckin bribe somebody to get some sort of tedious bull shit done, instead of spending precious time on the phone with some knucklehead following some policy gone awry. aaaaargh.

Love,
The daft tart. Still tartalicious, even without the zoom. (just busted my tart-y butt on a good long sweaty run, interspersed with actual push ups, in public, on the seawall. booyah, baby. Bring It!) :H :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1153333 wrote: (just busted my tart-y butt on a good long sweaty run, interspersed with actual push ups, in public, on the seawall. booyah, baby. Bring It!) :H :H

hmmm. I'm feeling really good, focused, etc... Thought it was the run, the channeling power of the mind. Walked into the bathroom and remembered that I took an adderall an hour ago.

And here's the thing about going up, Murphy: I wonder if what I experienced is similar to what the people who take phenibut experience? And with the same result. Meaning, it's not sustainable. I went up to 200mg and will stay there for several days, and then up to 220mg this weekend. But I suspect it's as bleep found, it's gone. :boohoo: for real.

I'll tell you, I've never liked drugs. Alcohol was my one true love. But that focus, clarity, whatever, THAT is something I will covet for the rest of my life.