Progress thread for ne

[beatle]

Progress thread for ne

yeh, but I don't see how it can get much worse, Lo0p, you know what I mean?

Plus, I'm starting to recognize it as hallucinating (while it's happening), which is weird, but somehow makes me feel a little better.

Also, I'm thinking I'll make it even more bottom heavy (daytime), less at night.

Plus, I've been drinking less.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

beatle;1049298 wrote: the god-doctors!:H:H The god-doctors? That's sort of how I have them set up in my mind, I suppose.
Not very productive, is it? Dr. L has been nothing but supportive, sensitive, witty, fun and gentle. I think my 3am missive threw him for a loop, and why wouldn't it? It probably sounded like I was asking for permission to quit, rather than a call-to-arms. His response spurred me on, which is just what I needed, though of course he wouldn't know it.
I won't presume to guess what's going on in the other doctor's life or the lack of response. The original response was rather heartless, though. I don't think that he and Dr. L are doing things much differently, but that remains to be seen. In the meantime we have MWO.
beatle;1049298 wrote: How much worse can the SEs be? Maybe they actually do improve with more rapid titration?

Hmmmm. Hold on there, sister. I'm not going to presume to tell you what to do. Not by any stretch.
BUT, my SEs have very much to do with sleep disruption and overwhelming late afternoon somnolence. I'm no longer having moments, asleep or awake, of dissociation. I've never hallucinated, or even had tinnitus, for that matter. My 3am freak out was very much related to the missing dose, (~25% less for the previous day) panic and drama ensued. But only briefly.
I'm tired, and tired of waiting.
There are definitely accounts around here of some serious pitfalls to fast titration. Terryk has a moving and harrowing account of ending up in the ER. bleep broke a window and scared his family.
That said, my eyes are on the goal, too. I have a (relatively) supportive husband, some friends who will do whatever they can to help me and are excited for me, and my dog has a short memory, thank god.
You're talking about a pretty dramatic increase, imho. Be safe. xo

Thank you very much, fellas, for your thoughts. I read them at 3am, followed by 3 more hours of blissful sleep. But I think I need some more time to assimilate before I respond. Hope it's a good day for one and all.
:l

[beatle]

Progress thread for ne

I guess I'll go to 220 for a while first.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Good. I'm going up today, too. More on that later, though.
I'm really tired of the whole pm thing ftr.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

100 PM's is nothing!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

This is likely to be expletive-laden. don't read it if that offends
I'm not going to drink tonight. And I don't mind telling you I'm a little pissed off about it.
There are several reasons I'm not going to drink. The foremost is that even I am tired of admitting on here that I'm on the same effing merry-go-round. And I'm giving bac a bad name.
Another reason is that Sunnyv has a point I argued vehemently against in the beginning. And while I think that we're much closer than we'd like to think to vermin, I also know that the rats probably don't have habits that they've established revolving around booze. (tv, reading, cooking, just about everything in my little world. Including this--the computer and MWO.) Those poor things just had the burning, white-hot-need removed and had the opportunity to drink water. Can you imagine? They probably believe in a rat-god that delivered them as they watch their little cell-mates writhe with the pain. (drama much, Ne? :H But you know I'm right.)
Here was the nail in my 2 beer a night coffin:
I've had this experience:

bleep;1049100 wrote:
For me the switch was a moment, but I think that's because I happened to be drinking a glass of wine at the time, so it was obvious. I suddenly thought "hey, a cup of tea would be nicer." Of course, I've thought that before, but I've never acted on it. ...
Fuck the switch,[baclofen, in my case] I thought. I was disappointed, but what is, is. Anyway, I got home, poured a glass, and over the next hour (normal pace is about 15 minutes) I drank it. Poured another. I ran out of steam half way through it and made a cup of tea. Just couldn't be bothered to finish it and get on with getting drunk. Despite wanting to. ...
It's documented for me in black and white, in chat and in this thread. Both things. Also the one about having a glass of wine over a meal in a restaurant and not being bothered to finish it.
This post made me think, hmmm. Perhaps I've hit the switch and am just too damn stubborn/entrenched and I missed it? Low didn't know, lots of people didn't know they hit it. They just stopped drinking. [I am DEFINITELY not calling you out, Bleep. Just the opposite. I'm so thankful for that and subsequent elucidations. Our goals are different, and I have no judgement about people who wish to moderate. I get it. But I have been a SLAVE to this bitch and I want out forever.]
BUT!
I have not had this experience:

Lo0p;1049507 wrote: "Yeah fuggng right dude, you could pour yourself a glass of fine Russian River Valley Pinot right now and smell it (you might even like the smell), taste it (it will probably be DAMN good too) but you know you're gonna find it 5 hours later when it's time to go to bed where you last left it ..."
"And then wtf are you gonna do with the rest of the bottle? You'll only ever drink fine wine anymore because you can't stand 95% of the crap that comes in a bottle anymore."
"Can you seriously picture yourself putting your shoes on, driving to the store, walking down that aisle, looking at all of the bottles, picking one that you like (in spite of the enormous price tag) coming home and still not losing interest? Yeah right dude. You'll be standing in that aisle for 45 minutes, picking a bottle up, reading it, feeling luke-warm or cold about it and putting it back. Rinse and repeat."

That my friends, is what it feels like.

gawd, I am such a shameless loop-groupie. But it is very funny, and filled with laughter! Imagine!
And what Is said, too.
And finally, these sage words from a woman who has got what I want:
Sunnyvalenting;1049228 wrote: I think any habit change needs be at first quite intentional. It is only after practicing the change that it begins to feel natural.
...I had lost hope of ever reaching this state. Now I take it for granted. What a change.
sunnyThe rest of her post resonates, too. But the important part is the first. I know that from making dramatic changes in my life in other ways. So... No booze tonight. god dammit.

The last reason is this: I'm pissed off. And Ne pissed off usually takes care of what needs to be taken care of, with everything except the fucking beast. And I don't, don't, don't want to have to play with the big boys, and take astronomical amounts of this stuff. No urge to be an exception in this one case. And finally, obviously, failure is not an option.
So I'm going up to 280 today, not drinking tonight, and I'm still pissed off about both things. But I love you people immensely.
I've got one more thing to clear up before I spray paint the rest of MWO. Sorry for the endlessness, you don't have to read it though! :H
(and not to bad with the f*s or anything, huh? bac is definitely mellowing!)
IMPORTANT EDIT: I've given the impression that I'm committing to abstinence, maybe? Not so. I'm not going to drink TONIGHT. That's what I've got and it is what it is. xo

[taw]

Progress thread for ne

NE! I love how honest you are!! I hope this is the beginning of AFreedom for you!!!

Let us know how it goes!!!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

This article was recently brought to my attention, I've read it before of course, but not from with the same perspective as the person who brought it up.

The One-Step Program: Men's Lives: GQ

It makes me so damn sad that I can hardly do this, and probably won't...
That poor, poor man. If only he'd had a support system! And to call it a failure? To have him be so disheartened and down-trodden? When the overwhelming need, absolute fucking chaos and destruction of alcoholism was lifted just a little?
I feel like he got to the point where life starts to look unbearably burdensome, a lifetime of dreams gone, resentments and all the rest to face. And NO support!
The SEs can be scary, that much worse if you're still drinking, especially what that guy was drinking! And he was completely alone.
I can't even blame OA. He doesn't know, and neither does the doctor, about what we put ourselves through here. Experimenting, playing around, not sure about the process or the goal. THAT is the travesty. AA has steps, has a way to deal with all of the burdens that come with sudden sobriety. We've got each other, the blind leading the blind, with a few bright stars to help guide. (thank you, thank you, thank you. on this and all the other forums.) But we're a remarkably bright and resourceful bunch. Thoughtful, helpful and kind. I'm humbled again.
I pray Martin is alive. That he got a glimpse and found a way out, or even found MWO and got some help here.
This is no game, folks. It's hard I think to have to revisit the same issues over and over again, because it's all been covered on these boards before. ALL of it. from beatle to zenstyle, as it were. But we each have an individual journey that feels very new. I hope we can help find a way to help others like us in a meaningful way.
Here's a thread that the author started. Note the names of the respondents and follow them around the boards. Really brilliant stuff there!

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...light=natepenn

[seeking_serenity]

Progress thread for ne

Yay! Way to take the bull by the horns! Very wonderful post.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

OMG! My husband just walked in with a 12-pack of cold beer. Can't blame him, 'cause how many times have I said, "No booze for me tonight!" only to text him to pick some up on his way home.

I sent him packing. But only because I've drawn the line in the sand, publicly. I've got a white hot need.
He's livid. Even though we've broached this MANY times...
I'm going to bed. Hope he makes it home from the bar safely. fuuuuuuk

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

That's a positive change in attitude. Disappointingly short of expletives though. As with every approach to this, everything is new.

Something that my help: My shrink (christ, can't believe I can say that) says that using willpower doesn't work, so use my stubbornness instead. Pour a glass and watch it evaporate, knowing I WILL NOT drink it. Results are the same, just a different methodology. It worked a couple of nights.

The Martin story is a bummer. Still, I don't think it will be long before baclofen help-groups emerge, small live communities much like this one. It might be what it will take to bring this out, small grassroots support.

Good post neva, let us know how it goes.

Good luck, we are thinking of you.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

How'd it go neva? Assuming it went well, how do you feel today. Same question applies if it didn't really.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Morning, Bleep. Nice that our time difference and your lack of sleep means that there is often a welcome voice here when I wake up!
First night in, well, ever that I've been AL free of my own free will. Yes, like most of you, I can go a night or two if I have to. I'm WAY in the closet about my drinking. I've got to cover my tracks in order to be able to continue the facade. Also, if the next day depends on having a relatively clear head, I can limit my intake.
But to decide not to drink and then not do it? ha. I've tried that many times before and during the bac journey. I'm not, ftr, attributing that to bac. It has much more to do with being held accountable, the 'social support system' found here. But I've tried to do it here before too.
I was pretty wound up in the face of 12 cold beers and an angry husband... The gym closed a half hour after I logged off here, and I haven't come up with anything else to fill the time yet. So I took a looong walk/run (an hour and a half!) with the poor dog in the freezing night. Took my camera in order to take pix for you people. Battery died. (lucky you! I'm a lousy photographer. but it was a good distraction.) I have a new theme song, and played it over and over trying to memorize the words. I came home, read the thoughtful words on here and went to bed just as husband got home. no drama! (Tapping into some of the tools I have learned repeatedly...ftr)

No epiphanies, either. I was drinking less than 3 beers a night, remember. That in itself is a miracle. Truly. Anyone who doesn't understand the significance of that, or thinks it's an indication that bac doesn't work, doesn't drink like I do.
xo, peeps, I'm off to spray paint MWO!
Thanks, again, bleep. I'm so glad that you're as obsessed with mwo as I am! special hugs to you.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Nice one neva! Take another walk tonight, with a recharged camera...?

You don't mention if you feel any different, but I suppose 3 beers is hardly rocking your boat anyway.

10 points.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I may do that! Why should tigger have all the fun?
I don't feel any different. Which is pretty different! I bumped up another 20mg yesterday, and that is often fraught with angst for me. Not so much last night.
I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. My friend wants me to go to temple with him. He knows, so no booze, if I choose to abstain. Seems like it might be a good idea, huh? I know well enough that making a commitment to it in predawn hours doesn't make a damn bit of difference, though. It'll matter what I decide to do in the late afternoon. Going to try to remember that I don't want to go any higher and that it's time to let the bac do it's job.
Time for some unsolicited advice:
My pharmacy balked at filling 2 rx.s at once this week. 2000mg lasts me less than a week. :-(
I have 3000mg left from the internet bac I ordered 10 months ago.
That will only last a week! So time to order more online, just in case, and a call to the doctor to make sure that my next refills are called in.
ORDER ENOUGH BAC, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GOING TO DRINK!
I'm out for an early morning nap! yay!
KOKO
how many points do I have now? Always want to be purrrfect, so I'm aiming for 100, of course. ha!