Progress thread for ne

[Doggygirl]

Progress thread for ne

Bruun I was thinking this morning about where I was when 911 happened. I was still a semi-functioning-on-the-job alkie at the time. I was in my car on the way to a client when the first plane hit, and then the second. It was so confusing - the radio people had no idea what was going on. Listening to it was like a train wreck happening in slow motion.

My original plan for the day was to visit both of my customers - a several hours adventure to two disparate and distant points in the Chicago metro area. When I arrived at the first customer, they were closing for the day as there was so much confusion about what was happening, and IIRC there was talk of fears about the Sears Tower (now some other name) downtown being a target. So I called my other customer to see what their plans were. They were closing down too and sending everyone home.

So I was very very relieved. I went straight back to home town and to a bar. Sadly, the drinking was far more important to me than the news I was watching. Also, it was a lot like being in a bar on Christmas Eve, which I've done many many times. A very lonely place. Even the noon time lunch drunks decided to stay home with their families in all the 911 confusion I guess. But not me.

Of course thoughts of 911 always bring about deep sorrow for all of the lives lost that day, and all of the living people whose lives were changed forever. But it's impossible for me to stop myself also thinking of how pathetic my drunken life was on that day too.

I guess I should have posted this in my resurrected journal.

Thanks for listening.

DG

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

You weren't alone DG, I was in a pub here when we watched it on TV as it was happening. We had slipped off work to go boozing, it was about 2 or 3 o'clock in the afternoon IIRC.

I was forced to read a news channel based on posts here, and I see they finally got the bugger. Took long enough, score 1 for the good guys!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Morning, folks!

I got drunk yesterday. It was super-fun. :H Not trying to make light, though it doesn't feel like a 'thing.'

Here's the set-up, for what it's worth. Two days ago I noticed that I was thinking about drinking when I was brushing my teeth! I was pretty sure that I wanted to drink that day, but I was busy. zoom-zoom! Add to that the fact that it takes considerable effort to get drunk after indifference, and that it isn't enticing at all, I found it impossible to accomplish drunkeness!

I was still unsure yesterday, until late afternoon. and then I knew. ha! again. Bought some wine, my gbf (gay boyfriend) came over and we played in the garden and drank. As I mentioned it was really fun. Even in the moment! I thought, at one point, "ah, yes. I remember now this sweet release!"

Ironically, or maybe not so, I don't really consider even that as a relapse. I think the bac-ees can relate, which is why I'm writing this.

It's been just over 4 weeks since I was last drunk. I am pretty comfortable with drinking *just* a bottle of wine every 4 weeks. (and again fwiw, I'll bet dollars to donuts I start menstruating today. That's been the pattern since I reached indifference.)

I am, however, uncomfortable with the idea that the pattern *might* repeat itself more often. That's what I've learned, what I'm still hearing, and it's hard to let go of that tried and true perspective. I don't want to drink everyday, don't really want to get drunk unless it's going to be fun, and Never Ever want to drink against my will again.

Only time will tell if I'm playing with fire, going to go off the rails, will suffer a real relapse. (meaning, for me, that I will return to active alcoholism) I'll keep you posted as honestly and as openly as I can! For posterity, if nothing else...

One of the results of the drunkeness, and the reconnection with my gbf, was a little of the clarity I've been missing for the last couple of weeks. The long version of the story is that he's like us, but with food. He is following a path that is not, in my not-so-humble opinion, his calling. (That in itself smacks of ego, but I know him well, want only the best for him and won't digress further!) His plan, the one that I feel is counterintuitive, is based in great part on his addiction. It's kind of heart-breaking, in the same way that seeing anyone suffering and in denial is heart-rending. But I love him, have achieved a measure of peace from my own addiction and want that for him more than anything else. I am desperate for him to try bac.

When I was explaining this to him, explaining my feelings and my instinct I found some clarity about my own recent experience. Hallelujah! and whew. Floundering mentally is a pain in the ass. Part of that is that it's a waste of precious time and energy trying to explain this to people when they don't want to hear about it! For that reason I'm pretty sure that I'm going to fire the therapist. No question that paying for someone to give me guidance when they don't *believe* the science and aren't excited about the prospects adds insult to injury. It's definitely not my job to enlighten the fucker. Now, if he was excited or even open to the possibility, I'd also be excited and open. But he's not, I don't think. Because I'm not sure I think I will pay him one more time. Before I go bac, though, I'm going to detail and sum up my experience and drop it off for him. That way I'll be able to suss it out when we're face to face next time.

Anyone who knew me then, and can compare me to now, would not doubt the efficacy of this medicine or the regimine. Period. There is no gray area, frankly. I was a hopeless, though functioning, drunk. Now I'm not. Now I'm on fire. I drink when I want and how much I want, but more to the point, I am focused and clear and productive in a way that I have NEVER been in 41 years of life. And yep, this is me shouting from the rooftop. It's rather subdued because I have a headache. :H That alone may cause me to start drinking water at 8pm rather than 9pm, which is what happened last night. I drank a bottle of wine, and rather than drinking more, though the people around me were drinking, I got a bottle of seltzer. hmmm. That sounds a lot like how my closest friend (not an alkie) gets drunk...

Speaking of which, when I told her that I wanted to get drunk and that I thought I was going to, it occured to me that she might be alarmed. I quickly reassured her that I was okay, that it was going to be okay... She said that she didn't think it was a big deal. That if I was in AA and getting sober that way, I would feel like that every single day.
:H
Oh my god. She's so right. And so brilliant and so insightful and so reasonable. There is indeed a reason I love her so much.

I'm going to help her spruce up her own backyard this morning, and as I mentioned, I don't feel very chipper (which means sprightly, for you non-Americans out there.) So I better run.

But I have a shout out that made me laugh first thing this morning. I received this in my email today:

May 3, 2011

“Only by owning who and what you are can you step into the fullness of life.”

— Oprah

lololol

:h
Ne
Road, let's try again today. I'll do my best to be available around noon my time.
Emails I owe will have to be done tomorrow! BUT! This place is as it always has been: A safe haven for bac-ers and bac-ees and those interested in a dialogue about it. Time for you guys who are sitting it out to revive your threads and get busy. just sayin. dammit. It's the only place we've got and it's worth exploring ALL of our experiences. Safely and with respect for one another.
Peace out my dear friends. Follow the laughter, newbies and lurkers! :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I'm trying very hard to respect anonymity. It's much harder to do for my own self than it is for me to do concerning others, for some reason. But I would really appreciate it if my name, vital statistics and specifics were not posted on this forum, available to anyone with a computer!

And I forgot to mention that I'm going up, for obvious and not so obvious reasons. More on that at some point, I guess. I'm suffering from some old familiar SEs which is annoying. Hand clenching. Realistic dreams. Teeth grinding. The latter is particularly onerous since I just spent a bloody fortune on shiny new front teeth and other things. grrrr.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

The issue you raise about the therapist is a good one, and, I fear, insurmountable. We are in a unique position here, and finding a therapist who understands this will be next to impossible. For a few years, until baclofen is more widely accepted and understood, I fear this is going to be the case.

It's also not something you can just omit to mention. It is fundamental to everything that needs to be discussed. As soon as it is bought up though, you will hit a brick wall, or at least a parting of understanding.

Sorry to hear you have a hangover. Evil things.

[moglor]

Progress thread for ne

Hi NE,

I had a very similar experience to yours regarding getting drunk after being alcohol-free for awhile. For me, it turned out to be the path to relapse. I think if I hadn't tapered down the baclofen so far so fast, I might have been able to stop it from turning into a full blown bender, but the lack of bac, coupled with the onset of depression, was my downfall.

One thing I can relate is that it didn't seem like a relapse at first. I was drinking "normally." A few beers here and there.. then I woke up one Sunday feeling like I was going to die, and I went into the kitchen and saw the sea of beer cans and half empty gin bottle, and knew I was in trouble. I think that's when I posted on my thread again.

I greatly appreciate how honest and open you are here. Make sure you stay honest with yourself, though!

Best,
Moglor

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks, Mog. And thanks to you for sharing your path so honestly. It is for that reason that I am most definitely going back up to 240mg/day, which is where I found a comfortable place post-indifference. I don't like where this is headed, and haven't for a while. I took a lot less bac, in a very short amount of time, because I got freaked out by erroneous information and kerfuffle.
That won't happen again.

I know, for sure, what the long term consequences of alcoholic drinking are. I just lost yet another friend to the disease in a most degrading way. After a couple of years of dialysis while continuing to drink. He was not old enough for that.

I also know for sure that how I feel now is abhorrent. My headache at 5am has turned into a day-altering hangover and I can't believe I used to feel this badly every day. It makes me very, very sad for the old me and for the others still suffering.

My eyes are on the goal! Your honesty and advice helps a great deal with that. :l

[moglor]

Progress thread for ne

My hangovers on bac were always especially bad, but after coming back to drinking after several months off, they are worse than ever. Terrible headaches, extreme nausea, full-body weakness, coordination issues, mental acuity issues, severe dehydration, abdominal pain, sky high blood pressure. It's pretty clear that my body really doesn't want to drink anymore... if only my brain would get the hint.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

yeah. I've had those too. This isn't a bac-hangover, though. This is just a garden variety, the way I used to feel everyday, fuzzy-headed, head-achey, cranky, and out of sorts hangover.

But your point is well taken. I hope you find it soon, Mog. We need you. Sober.

I don't know if you'll remember, but I cut and pasted the post you wrote about the changes in your life and sent it to friends and family. That is not lost. You earned it, you can own it and you'll find it again, Mog. Hang in and jkttp. We'll muddle through together.

[Murphyx]

Progress thread for ne

moglor;1108953 wrote: I think if I hadn't tapered down the baclofen so far so fast,

Just sayin'.

[Murphyx]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1108822 wrote: The latter is particularly onerous since I just spent a bloody fortune on shiny new front teeth and other things. grrrr.

Ahhhh don't worry about all that. Just come to live in Britain and no one will care about your teeth. In fact teeth are optional here.
That's not actually true but I know Americans like to believe it.

What day is it today? Last time you forgot and upset me.:H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Morning, Murphy!

Happy 3 month Anniversary! (it's 545am here. Sorry I was late!)

In honor of the anniversary, and other things, I'm not going to drink for 30 days. So drink one normally for me, will you? A yummy one. I'm not sure how I feel about that sludge you all call beer over there. Then again I'm not sure how you'd feel about drinking something 'yummy' so I'll leave it to your discretion that it tastes good, especially since you'll be drinking it!
:kissyface: (don't cringe and don't worry. I'm not British. Or German.) :H
love you fer real fer real.

so... Somewhat interesting, (to me) yesterday's post.

Seems that I feel the best way to communicate that bac will save my beloved friend's life is by getting drunk and telling him that his plan, his dream, is not his true calling.

And that it was 'super-fun' and I don't need any help or guidance to navigate this journey. I'm pretty sure that even normal drinkers, especially the normal drinkers, feel remorse and regret when they get drunk. If just because the hangover makes the entire next day worthless.

Which, of course, is what happened. My headache at 5am bloomed into a full on, full body hangover. Still not the bac-hangover that makes me feel every pain that was ever in my body. But I had an awful day. Because of booze. Again. And I couldn't even sleep it off, because I don't have time for that nonsense anymore in my new life.

I always feel a little heart-string-tug when the newbies talk about struggling with the 'psychological' habit vs. the 'addictive-craving'. It's such a relief not to have that struggle anymore. "Just keep taking the pills," I think to myself, or write on these boards. And it's true. All will be revealed if you just keep taking the pills. Really and truly.

And it always makes me a little angry, without fail to be honest, when someone who reaches indifference goes down too far and too quickly. "What's the rush," I think. And then I usually email them and tell 'em to quit it.

And I know for fact that messing with dosing schedule really messes me up. I also know what works. (every 3 or so hours, for me.)

Glad I tested that, yet again. For posterity, if nothing else.

hmmm.

All that is not to say that I think I was derailed, or even relapsed. Late afternoon yesterday I decided to get drunk again. No better way out of general malaise than mind-numbing oblivion, right?
But no can do, folks. I popped open a beer, (a microbrew, thank you very much. Not sludge but not bad, either) and it tasted awful. I drank it. And didn't like it and it didn't do anything.
I thought about getting some wine. But really couldn't be bothered. Plus I knew that it wouldn't work. Because baclofen works. In spite of our psychological addiction. In spite of wanting to escape from whatever or escape to whatever. It just makes drunkeness pointless. That's the promise and the result.

It's up to me to do the rest. And I don't want to drink anymore. Even if it's fun, or it tastes good to have a glass of wine, or a cold beer on a hot day. Go for it, ftr, if that's your bent. I'm too damn healthy for that!

I put it in writing here, not for you people. For. The. Record. 30 days.

Peace out, my friends!
Ne
(does anyone else remember that a month or so ago the meds forums were so overrun with newbies and people looking for help that we despaired of being able to keep up? hmmm. Let's not let what happened happen again.)

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Hey Ne,

Good luck with your 30 days!

Nothing productive to add, just wanted to post the 1000th post on your thread! It's an amazing thread, I read it again not so long ago. Thanks a lot.

I hear you on the drunkenness - a couple of times I've thought about getting drunk, and sat down with that mind, only to give up 1 beer in. It's just not worth it anymore, there's no motivation left to do that sort of thing. What a blessing.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Dammit, somehow I missed it. Oh well, 1001 then.

[Bruunhilde]

Progress thread for ne

Good luck with your thirty days, Ne. I'm restarting too...soon.