Progress thread for ne

[Lo0p]

Progress thread for ne

Hmmm...I'm positive I've gone at least thirty days before a couple of times. But I've never tried and never counted.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Lo0p;1109663 wrote: Hmmm...I'm positive I've gone at least thirty days before a couple of times. But I've never tried and never counted.

oh, jeez. I know. I know. I KNOW!

But I haven't. And it's important to me. Even if it doesn't matter.

And also, I think, what if I didn't get to where you did? Or Is, for that matter...

And THEN I realize that I am all wrapped up in my head and my mind about all of this and it has nothing to do with baclofen because I am indeed indifferent and I should just friggin chillax (:H murph) but that is NOT the way I'm wired so there will be no chillaxing anytime soon even with bac and anything else added to the mix.

so there. pfffft. and I know. I know. 30 days, though. What is that? Nothing. AND frankly, this is a big plus, it's credible in the eyes of the world. As ever, I'm impatient. And frankly, I'm unemployed, with too much stress, too much worry, too much time (in some ways) and my default is to drink. It's remarkably annoying to think about getting drunk, decide to get drunk, and then not follow through... If there is anything that I am, in addition to a worry-wart, it's tenacious, determined, and stubborn. And I hate being fucking hungover more than I hate anything. So. Thirty. Days. woop, woop!
:H

xxoo

[Bruunhilde]

Progress thread for ne

I will now officially refer to you as Titguns. When I can remember to do so.

[Murphyx]

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If it's important for you to have 30 days AF under your belt then go for it. But what happens after the 30 days are over and you have a drink? Will you think you can then have all the drinks you didn't have during the 30 days? It's the whole see-saw thing that concerns me, like with people who mess with their doses pre-switch (50 today, 150 tomorrow, 100 the day after). It ain't healthy. Steady as she goes!

But whatever, you know your own mind, headstrong filly that you are.

[mario]

Progress thread for ne

Good luck with your thirty days nev, If you have never done it before psychologically it will help you big time.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to feel any differently about booze in 30 days than I do now. Which is to say, I'm taking my medication so I will be indifferent. If, in the next 30 days, I become a slathering, rabid alcoholic (returning much to the same way I was 3 months ago, functioning or not) than I will assume that the medication I take doesn't in fact work. It was all in my head. Psychosomatic. :H

Given that we know it works, I think the hard part is going to be to choose not to have a beer when I want one. But, I'm on my way up to my comfy place again, so I may not want one again...

Thanks Mario. Love your input, and appreciate your thoughts here. That is indeed the crux of it.

It's not the boobs bruun! It was guns. Someone help me out here! What's the name of the movie with Jason something as a star where in the opening scene a woman in a nurse's uniform opens up with actual guns (not boobs!)??? I think he transports things. Is that it?
Dunno. Will have to fact check later.

Peace out!
Ne

[ik1966]

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:goodjob::goodjob::goodjob:

big hugs you can do it!!!!

[Isolde]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1110112 wrote:

It's not the boobs bruun! It was guns. Someone help me out here! What's the name of the movie with Jason something as a star where in the opening scene a woman in a nurse's uniform opens up with actual guns (not boobs!)??? I think he transports things. Is that it?
Dunno. Will have to fact check later.

Are you thinking of the FemBots in Austin Powers?

http://forladiesbyladies.com/wp-cont...03/fembot2.jpg

That's all that comes to mind for me, anyway.

Good luck on your 30 days! Once you put your mind to it, with bac, it will be easy, believe me. It was once I made the actual decision not to drink, that I took the choice off the table, so to speak, that it became easy to not even really think about it. It was after I hit the switch at 180 at the end of January that I went without drinking for all of February and part of early March. I wasn't aiming to go for 30 days, but I was rather proud of myself when I realized that I'd done it!
It's funny, the psychological stuff. A lot of times I thought I wanted to have a drink with dinner, a beer or a glass of wine. Because that was something I had always done. So I would tell myself that if I still wanted the drink after I ate, I could go ahead and have it. And I NEVER still wanted it.

I guarantee ya, it'll be easier than you think. Glad you decided to go bac up on your dosage. I'm going back up with mine as well right now, for the good SEs, really. But as I continue to go up, I find even MORE indifference. Where I was at around 80-120mgs or so, I could very easily take it or leave it. But it's now that I'm getting into 130 and 140mgs that it's starting to disgust me a bit again. I like that I can go back up and "reinforce" the indifference. Bac's cool, I dig it. :h

[Evey]

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I think you are talking about Crank 2. Had to post a pic...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Hi, ik, and welcome! Thanks for the morale boost. Glad the bac is going so well! (I'll respond on the bac forum, too!) :ls and :h to you, too.

Isolde;1110458 wrote: It's funny, the psychological stuff. A lot of times I thought I wanted to have a drink with dinner, a beer or a glass of wine. Because that was something I had always done.

...
I like that I can go back up and "reinforce" the indifference. Bac's cool, I dig it.

That's it in a nutshell Is. Thanks for sharing the experience. It's so easy to have a drink... Not that I want one the same way I used to, but a cold beer on a hot day after cleaning off the porch and making it pretty? oh yeah. That's the reward.

And more to the point, I still picture myself with a glass of wine under almost all circumstances. You mentioned Gabaldon's Outlander series in another thread. I had a really wonderful summer shortly after Ed and I separated (we used to joke that we've spent more of our marriage living separately and dating than under the same roof! But that's another story...) Anyway, I had my own apartment and it was lovely. Just mine. Two dogs. A beautiful, beautiful patio. I discovered that series and spent the entire summer on the patio reading and drinking wine. (talk about looong! :H) Ed lived a block away, so we saw each other frequently and went out for nice dinners and do the things that people in love do when they're not driving each other crazy. I only have fond memories of that summer. I miss that summer.

Now when I sit on this lovely porch with a good book, I miss wine. I don't know why. It feels like the grown up thing to do, ironically. Not hedonistic, just luxurious. Time alone.

I used to worry that I wouldn't be able to write on MWO without booze! ha. If only.

Now to Ed:
I am very, very worried about the guy. He looks haunted. He's working unbelievably long hours. He's got stresses that I can't imagine. Not the least of which is continuing to provide for us. (I don't envy you guys, especially the ones with alcoholic, chronically-under-achieving significant others. We really are a pain in the ass.)
Anyway. I was convinced it was the bac. The way his mind is reeling, the physical toll. It's not of course. Or not all of it.
He woke up in the middle of the night last night, full of anxiety and dread. I could hear his mind spinning. It was terrible. I got up with him and finally, hoping it was the right thing to do, gave him .125 of xanax. (half of one of the pills I've been prescribed.) It took a little while, but he went back to sleep.
This morning he said that it quieted his mind and really helped. He's going to try to take that today, a couple of times, in order to quell the 'fight or flight' he's got going on. (my interpretation, not his.)
He's down to 100mg, which bums me out. The long and short of it is that he's too damn tired to drink, though. So regardless of where he is with the bac, the booze is taking a bac seat! And frankly, the transition to a sober life under extremely stressful situations might have more to do with his level of anxiety than anything else. (Thanks for pointing that out beatle-bug.) (And thanks too, Lo0p, for venturing into those uncharted waters for us. It may save him from what looked like a complete meltdown. You're still my sunshine, I'm still your groupie. )

In my middle of the night angst I thought about all of the ways that I have been disingenuous and downright BAD in the last couple of days/weeks/decades. Ugh. I was free from that kind of thinking for a while. Bac gave me that gift, but the other tools must've been helping, too. (My exercise and nutrition goals are WAY out the window. Dumbass.) I have made some really foolish decisions or had some really silly reactions in the last two weeks. AA calls this alcoholic. I call it knuckleheaded. I lost my focus on the goal and am only slowly regaining it.
All that is to say that at the right level of bac I feel a lot like what those guys are talking about in the Phenibut thread. Mental acuity and agility. Clarity. Focus. I am on my game and on fire and can accomplish just about whatever needs to be accomplished. I have spoken to some others about this off the forum. It doesn't seem to be universal, but it does seem pretty prevalent.

If I were going to offer post-indifference advice (and of course I will! :H) to people it would be, "Stay the course!" I think staying at the switch dose is ludicrous. Who can do that??? (lo0p. But besides him!) But staying at a comfortable place at the high end of where you achieved indifference? I wish I'd done it.

Bac's cool. I dig it too.

Love you all.
zoom zoom.
Ne
No, it's not the fembots. Though they rock. It's from Fast and the Furious maybe?
Listening to Only obsessively on my semi-runs in the morning. woooohoooo that song friggin rocks.

[RedThread12]

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Hey, Ne: Thanks for keeping the posting going, with all the ups and downs. That's what life is, you know, whether we're drunk or sober . . . ups and downs.

I think you did exactly the right thing for Ed. I would encourage you to feed him the xanax every night for a while. A few minutes respite from angst and a good night's sleep can help the whole nervous system/brain recognize and build those pathways. As "more is always better" kinds of people, it can be dangerous, I know. But recognizing a single moment of ease can make it easier it recognize the next one . . . and sometimes moments of ease string together and all of a sudden we're . . . well, OKAY!! for a few consecutive moments. All the best to you and Ed, truly and deeply from my heart. You're both taking on not just the beast of alcohol, but the beast of life . . . it ain't easy!

So, okay, I'll go all "Buddhist" on you and tell you what Matthieu Ricard, the "world's happiest man," says about this scene (yours and Ed's and mine, at least): If we're riding the waves of our thoughts/emotions/experiences, we can only rise high and crash hard. In the deeper part of the ocean, the water remains quiet and still. He suggests we rest there, able to observe the rising and falling, but not attaching to it as if it is who we are. I guess I'd interpret that as "be the ocean, not just the waves."

Many thanks to you, still and always, for being such an energizing force on this forum. Can't wait to see what happens next!! For all of us!! :l

[Doggygirl]

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Hi Ne! Sounds like it is really great that you are there and able to take quality time helping Ed through the bac experience and also with all the life pressures right now.

RedThread12;1110741 wrote: So, okay, I'll go all "Buddhist" on you and tell you what Matthieu Ricard, the "world's happiest man," says about this scene (yours and Ed's and mine, at least): If we're riding the waves of our thoughts/emotions/experiences, we can only rise high and crash hard. In the deeper part of the ocean, the water remains quiet and still. He suggests we rest there, able to observe the rising and falling, but not attaching to it as if it is who we are. I guess I'd interpret that as "be the ocean, not just the waves." Many thanks to you, still and always, for being such an energizing force on this forum. Can't wait to see what happens next!! For all of us!! :l

Red, every time I read posts from you I just know I would benefit from learning more about meditation and all the stuff you are so knowledgeable about. I love that quote! Oh how I long to be the ocean.....

DG

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Morning, fellow bac-ers and bac-ees and mwo-ers!

Alright. Crisis and conundrum yesterday. But first, RedT. I'm going to be a little bit of a know it all and point out that Jon Kabat-Zinn uses that imagery in his guided meditation. Which I actually have been listening to, at your suggestion. At one point he talks about trying to put plexiglass on the ocean to quell the waves, but of course, that doesn't work.
I read your post over and over again last night, so thanks for that. (It was a tough day!)

And so on to the latest installment in the soap opera:

Ed had a bit of a crisis yesterday. Called me around noon to say that he couldn't do it... Work is what he was referring to, but it sounded like a great deal worse than that to me. Obviously, intervention was called for. We met at home, called the doc, went to see he primary care physician. The whole time I was waffling between the old version of me and the new Ne. One response is, "OH MY GOD! The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" The other is something like, "Yowza. You're not well. You need to be well. We got this."

And that's where we are. No thanks to the doctors, sadly. In great measure due to what I know from my own highs and lows, and what I've learned here. And Murphy, your thread might very well have saved me from being bald this morning. (laughter, it turns out, is an antidote to pulling one's hair out. My hair, I'm sad to report, is still red. With lots of roots showing an inordinate and unreasonable amount of gray. Ed called me 20 seconds before I slipped into the chair to have my color consult. )

The long and short of it, at least related to baclofen, is that Ed's dosing schedule went something like this:
W/Th/Fri: 140mg
Sat/Su: 160mg
M/Tu/W/Th: 100-120mg (maybe?)

And what do we all know? Erratic dosing when you're a newbie is so not a good idea. The result was disorientation, confusion, sleep disruption and ultimately an exacerbation of anxiety. The only scary part of all of this for me, in retrospect, was the fact that it was coupled with a profound hopelessness and despair. SO NOT OKAY.

My husband is a glass-half-empty kind of guy. We balance each other out in that way, since my glass is and has always been full. He is NOT ever hopeless. He has not ever just given up. He's a head-down, mouth-shut, get-the-fucking-job-done kind of guy. And if you're not getting the job done then you're in the way and you need to get the hell out of the kitchen. We're rather alike in that sense. Which is VERY fortunate. 'cause otherwise we'd have been divorced a long time ago, and we rather like each other.

SO! after some initial consternation (okay, a full-blown, but inner, freakout) on my part I saw the goal. I realized my eyes were not firmly fixed on it and I redirected. We found solutions to the immediate crisis (damage control.) This included righting the bac-dose, regular intervals of xanax in moderation, and a schedule for bac going forward. We arranged some time off, per the doctor, so that he can recuperate. If there is anything I am completely clear about it is that he is ill. Not bac-sick. Not hungover. Not mind-ill. He's sick and he needs to get better. I am so eternally grateful for that lesson, brought to me by of all people, 37degrees. (If you're still lurking, and I bet you are, thank you. xo)

I don't mean to make light of the ramifications, or of the role that irregular bac-dosing played. Both of which are huge. But whatev, people. Right? In a few short weeks he'll be free. He'll see the goal for the first time in his adult life. What alcoholic hasn't faced financial uncertainty, health crisis, professional ramifications? Hell, this one is going to be easy because it's going to be on MY terms this time. lol. and yay.

oops gotta go.

We've started talking

[mario]

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Hi nev, I am sure with your help your husband will come out of this as you have said we all have been through all the financial,uncertainty,health and professional ramifications , I am still learning here about bac and for someone who hasn't taken it ,it is sometimes hard to understand what you are going through, keep on posting as i am a willing learner.

[Guitarista]

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Go for it Titgun's!

Best wishes on your 30 day's, and strength and health to your family.