Progress thread for ne

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

And I certainly didn't look for it with 20mg forays, either!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

bleep;1153349 wrote: And I certainly didn't look for it with 20mg forays, either!

:H I bet not.

[Murphyx]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1153347 wrote:
And here's the thing about going up, Murphy: I wonder if what I experienced is similar to what the people who take phenibut experience? And with the same result. Meaning, it's not sustainable. I went up to 200mg and will stay there for several days, and then up to 220mg this weekend. But I suspect it's as bleep found, it's gone. :boohoo: for real.

I'll tell you, I've never liked drugs. Alcohol was my one true love. But that focus, clarity, whatever, THAT is something I will covet for the rest of my life.
OK, just accept it was temporary and move on. Just because you don't have this false, chemically induced, effect anymore, it doesn't mean you have to turn into slutty white trash. You'll still be able to do the dishes, go to school, write and do all the things you want to do, you just won't be setting yourself ridiculous targets that could only be achieved by someone who was on ...well...drugs.

But I don't care about all that. The important thing is:
Ne/Neva Eva;1153347 wrote: The stuff is still strewn about the bathroom, and I couldn't care less.

You're becoming more and more British every day.:H

Oh yeah and that you're being all tarty when you go running. Stopping to do sweaty press ups eh? Hope you had a good audience. NICE!

[redhead77]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1153203 wrote: But the crash...oy and ouch.

Two words. Extended release.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks, Red. Been waiting for your reappearance!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

So. instead of going up to 200mg yesterday I only took 160mg. Missed my last dose. Interestingly, same pattern as last month and the month before. If it is indeed a pattern. Feels that way to me.

And you what? For a couple of reasons I'm thinking about staying at 160mg this week.
I'm indifferent to alcohol. That's why I started taking bac and what it promised to do.
I don't like navigating how I feel physically and mentally in this new-ish sober world when I don't know what I should attribute to bac, to sobriety, to previous diagnoses (ADD and depression) or to being "normal." (whatever tf that means.)
I'm not at all comfortable self-medicating, and never have been. I was desperate enough to be rid of the beast to try ANYTHING and so I did, and thank what matters for that.
I am not, for obvious reasons, scared of medications or pdocs (psychiatrists) anymore. It's time to find one and suss out the rest of the story.
I have an arsenal of tools, including various medications to stave off anxiety, somnolence, fuzziness, allergies, coughs, sleeplessness, muscle aches, you name it. I've got it and know how to use it with an eye toward the goal. No dependencies, no ER trips, no drama. Just a pill to help get over the hump IF I need it.
I imagine that going down is not going to be completely comfortable. Fluctuations in bac mess me up. No reason not to try it out, though. If the chemical connections so much as spark, and a beer starts to sound good, well, I have the pill for that too. And it's the only one that really matters in my new life. The rest, as you so reasonably pointed out Murphy, is up to me. I'm capable, I'm pretty sure.

I think I'll chronicle it here until such time as I can get over to the moribund blog section... Not that I'm suggesting it's the right place for anyone else. I think it might be the right place for me. Like almost everything else we're doing, only time will tell. :H and :boohoo:

Peace and love, fellow MWOers!
Ne

[ignominious]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1153918 wrote: For a couple of reasons I'm thinking about staying at 160mg this week.
I'm indifferent to alcohol. That's why I started taking bac and what it promised to do.
I don't like navigating how I feel physically and mentally in this new-ish sober world when I don't know what I should attribute to bac, to sobriety, to previous diagnoses (ADD and depression) or to being "normal." (whatever tf that means.)
I'm not at all comfortable self-medicating, and never have been.

:wd: I think this is the best way to go. Best of luck and I hope it works for you. As to what is normal ......... well I can't help you with that :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Ah, Ig, I know you agree. But we still fundamentally disagree. I still know that baclofen is, in many ways, a panacea for me. I still believe that you didn't give it a chance to cement, among other things, a new way of thinking. So you see? We're still on very different sides of the spectrum. I'm glad there's a spectrum and we can affectionately coexist. :l

Reggie;1153924 wrote: Hello Ne,
sorry if i am way off responding to your post accuratley but this is just a personal observation.... latley I am questioning if i am indifferent...indifferent or in denial.( is there a difference)... that the beast still lurks ready to pounce...will there come a day ..the day when i wasnt an alcoholic ...the day when i struggled to consume half a beer and spirits like scotch smelled revolting ..can i reprogramme me to my pre alcoholism days ..am i dreaming ..probably..like a time machine ...can i go back...sorry silly thoughts and completely unrealistic .. ..that would be bloody lovely though ..my question.... is it true that I cannot undo what i have done ... the whole concept of starting over afresh ..is that beyond the average alchy ...dont get me wrong we can stop drinking...but it still lurks..is there a confessional box for alcholics where we can obsolve our selves of this..... three hail marys and a couple of our fathers and we are cleansed..i know bullshit..I like easy ways out ... oh well

any way random shit thoughts ...good to see you have cheered up Ne love your posts !

a tune.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KD92M6ggtA[/video]]‪Anais Mitchell feat. Justin Vernon - If It's True‬‏ - YouTube

edit just saw Nes post about Gear Head ..feel like shit now for this post ..... RIP dear Gearhead..wish his family deep love and hope they can get over this loss .

Yeah, I get all that, Reg. The chemical imbalance lurks, maybe. I guess that what I keep forgetting to remember is that when I obsessively quantified and qualified all of the experiences detailed here last year, I found that the people who get and remain indifferent are the ones who use a whole host of tools.
I only doubt the efficacy of bac when I forget what it was like before. I was desperate enough to order drugs from an offshore, unlicensed pharmacy at great expense, and take the pills without any clarity about how best to do so. My life was completely FUBAR and my husband and I were doomed, as was our marriage. I was in a dead end job, that I hated despite the fact that it was a "good" one, and I couldn't even manage shaving my legs regularly, much less doing the dishes, keeping house, paying bills on time and regularly, etc...
Now? Less than a year later, I'm in school, going to get a 4.0 gpa. Happily married to a man who is communicative and supportive and willing to support me while I follow my dream. Our bills are paid in advance and we spend so little money relatively speaking that we can live without my previous contribution, which was about $40k a year. That's un-effing-believable. And it's all absolute fact. Add to that the fact that I have company coming for coffee in an hour and my apartment, though messier than I like it, is straight enough that I can't be arsed to do anything more about it and I'd say It's a WHOLE NEW WORLD and that I can accomplish just about anything in this new space.
SO! Short version is this: Compare it to where you were and report bac, will you? There's other ways to kill that beastly bitch (or bastard) and we're going to do it together as a whole in this group on MWO. No more mother fucking senseless tragic deaths. Soldier on.

Much, much love. gotta run, 'cause I'd like to at least brush my teeth and hair before they get here.
:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Ha! Ok, then.
I'd still like to amend my answer a bit, too, Reg.
What if it's a continuum? A bell curve, which of course it must be. And what if the deciding factor is not the AMOUNT of baclofen, but the amount, the consistency and the amount of TIME. These are the things I'm working through.

I also want to point out, for the sake of clarity, that all of those things, the accomplishments, did not happen in a vacuum. I had been trying to accomplish them for years. For instance, I applied to college for fall 2010. i was still a drunk, so I couldn't do it. However, that admittance made it possible for me to start this summer, eight months later. All of the other things are based on a foundation, too. Much like lo0p and his exercise routine, I had the plan in place, I just couldn't follow through. ya know?
Now I'm really, really late.
xo

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Some intersting thoughts there Reg. When I have time, I'll try respond to them.

Ne, I just wanted to say good luck with your dose decrease, and don't be alarmed if you suddenly fancy a drink. That's what happens to me.

[RudyB]

Progress thread for ne

reggie, yours isn't shite and i'm sure ne doesn't mind! if this is a good, safe place for you, post away. and thanks for the music. i shall give it a listen after my run. good luck to you. sorry about your will to get toppled. i, too, have had a bell curve in this process. it's scary, but worth ringing on. life IS so much better now than a year ago! hope you'll get there too, and soon.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

dangit. I knew that I should've quoted the minute I saw it. Now I'm going to have to rely on memory. oy.

Why're you staying at 90? I couldn't tell if it's craving or wishing/missing? I can't accurately say this early in the morning if I still wish I could get out of my head. My guess is yes.
I have definitely figured out I hate being bored. I can be Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired, but bored bores the crap out of me.
I know of a good way to not be bored with no entertainment in sight. Somehow drinking even made TV tolerable bac in the day. I wish it (TV) didn't irritate me so much now!

So what're you going to do? (BTW, do you write, play or just channel music?)

And R2R, your post made me a bit sad. I'm really sorry that you feel that way. What're the chances you can participate here and find the support you need? Where else you going to get it?

I've gone down to 140mg. So much for the slow and steady approach, I know! Somnolence, fatigue, being out of sorts were not sitting well. Neither was trying to mitigate those SEs with other meds. That's not what I'm aiming for.
I'll see how that sits, but it seems the SEs have completely abated again. Thank goodness, they suck. (They do end when you're going up, too, folks, so hang in there if you can, or stay the course if you can't!! )
It's week 4 in my cycle, my only actual trigger to date are my hormones. I'll see what happens.

One other thing of note: I have a therapist. (woop-woop, yay, Ne!) I met with her yesterday, full of angst going in, worried about bac, my friends and my people all over, obsessing about poor Gearhead and his family... It was an awful morning. I left her office an hour later with a measure of serenity and the fatigue/somnolence dissipated.
I like her for many reasons, ftr, not the least of which is that she practices Mindfulness and incorporates that into her Behavioral Therapy. A lot of the amygdala/zen stuff that Otter has brought to the fore, and that Redthread practices. I'm very excited about it.

I'm going to keep this thing going for a little while, in part because I followed someone around the boards yesterday searching for what her path was and her thread dead-ended shortly after indifference. Talk about a tease! pffffft. In order to figure out the rest of the story I'd have to follow her all over the place and suss it out, and not being an obsessive drunk anymore, but rather a rather-self-important-American-full-of-busy-ness, who's got time??? So now I'm going to have to hound her. (Plan on it, Zenners.)

Peace out peeps! and xxoo!
Ne
(btw, for those interested, I've been stealthily adding to the Consolidated Bac Thread so that it can be a one-stop-shopping place for all of us.)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Just read Ig's update on the fact that it took 5 days for the drop in dose to be noticeable. I'm rather nervous now.
Ah, well, we'll see won't we?

[Bruunhilde]

Progress thread for ne

What about Serenity and Loop and Isolde, they found indifference right? Are they still at full dose?

I know what you mean about TV and boredom. AL made TV barely tolerable. I think TV is meant to be used only an hour or so each day, so as not to fry your IQ and so as to make sure you're doing other things. Last night I stopped the teley and read instead. There's more time in a day without AL.

So back to your dosage. You're going down in dose to try and wean off? I thought you were going to stay at full dose for a year or so?

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

I'm not sure I understand your reasons for decreasing like this. What are you hoping to achieve? Others who have tried similar experiments have been roundly castigated for their attempts!

And throw your TV out the window. They make a very satisfying noise when they hit the floor, and your life will be richer for it.