Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I knew there was more! Sorry.
I am, for the record, much less sensitive about the things said on here and around here than I was. I temper my thoughts and frustrations because I understand that many are still drunk when they're posting. I also temper my thoughts and frustrations because I was very difficult when I was titrating up. People stood by me, clarified for me when I misunderstood, and continued to support me. However, I listened, and read and took that advice to heart because I trusted them.

I am indifferent to alcohol. What I am not indifferent to is having my feelings hurt. Repeatedly. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the negativity on the boards right now. I am also feeling very ineffectual.

Read. Or don't.
Take the pills. Or don't.
Create a support system. Or don't.
But don't come crying wolf every time something comes up in your life that makes you think this doesn't work. Or that it's better to be drunk than to take baclofen. It's not. Or even that baclofen is dangerous. It's not.

Baclofen works. Period.

[RudyB]

Progress thread for ne

great posts, ne! well-said and complete.

[Doggygirl]

Progress thread for ne

Ne, it made me smile huge to read your list of wonderful things going on in your life since you were able to get AL dominance out of it. I'm very happy to hear that it has also worked for your husband and has improved your relationship. Getting substances out of my marriage had the same effect (his was not alcohol, but still..) so I know what a blessing that is!

I am so glad that you and all the other regular posters who have been successful with bac keep coming back to help others. That is so important. My personal belief is that no matter where science is ultimately able to take us with addiction treatment, there will always be a valuale role for peer support - as long as people still have to suffer the effects and consequences of addiction before finding the other side.

One of the things I have had to learn in order to keep my sanity while also giving and receiving support here at MWO (and also other places such as AA) is that there is more than one way out, and that people have to get there in their own time. I know when I was in my late stages of drinking - couldn't wait until 7AM to pour the first one, was a prisoner in my house, had suicidal depression, etc. - everyone else could see the problem long before I could.

The one thing that has helped me manage my own frustrations when I can see where someone is headed before they can, is to just be grateful that the person is here. Even if this is not the right time for them to be successful, at least they have been exposed to some ideas for how and where to get help. I can only hope that people find their way out before it's too late. But somehow, I believe that our presence here and sharing our experience, strength and hope makes a difference. It might not make a difference today, but maybe just one thing that was shared here makes a difference for someone down the line.

As your life continues to expand in new and exciting ways, I hope you continue your supportive spirit and participation here. Sometimes that feels like a thankless endeavor, but I know you are making a difference.

DG

[Murphyx]

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Hear hear DG!

We love ya Ne. You've helped hundreds. If it hadn't been for you, your support and insight, I'd be in a much worse place now.

Do what you need to do for yourself, but be assured you are loved here.:l:h

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Doggygirl;1181956 wrote:

I am so glad that you and all the other regular posters who have been successful with bac keep coming back to help others. That is so important. My personal belief is that no matter where science is ultimately able to take us with addiction treatment, there will always be a valuale role for peer support - as long as people still have to suffer the effects and consequences of addiction before finding the other side.

One of the things I have had to learn in order to keep my sanity while also giving and receiving support here at MWO (and also other places such as AA) is that there is more than one way out, and that people have to get there in their own time. I know when I was in my late stages of drinking - couldn't wait until 7AM to pour the first one, was a prisoner in my house, had suicidal depression, etc. - everyone else could see the problem long before I could.

The one thing that has helped me manage my own frustrations when I can see where someone is headed before they can, is to just be grateful that the person is here. Even if this is not the right time for them to be successful, at least they have been exposed to some ideas for how and where to get help. I can only hope that people find their way out before it's too late. But somehow, I believe that our presence here and sharing our experience, strength and hope makes a difference. It might not make a difference today, but maybe just one thing that was shared here makes a difference for someone down the line.

As your life continues to expand in new and exciting ways, I hope you continue your supportive spirit and participation here. Sometimes that feels like a thankless endeavor, but I know you are making a difference.

DG

Doggygirl. I need help. I am impatient, judgmental and arrogant. I would like to be patient, understanding and humble. If I can accomplish these goals with the 12 steps, I would like to try it.
I am not powerless over alcohol. I am powerless over just about everything, in the sense that I cannot control life. Is that enough?
I am not committed to a life of abstinence. I am committed to a life free from the control that alcohol had over me. If time proves that this means abstinence I will have no issue and no remorse about that decision. In the meantime, I cannot find harm in an occasional glass of wine. Is this enough?

Can I change, for the purposes of finding a way to more fully help others, "I am powerless over alcohol" to "I am powerless"? Can I change, for the purposes of finding truth, "a desire to stop drinking" to "a desire to stop being controlled by drinking?"

If those things are not possible, and even if they are, can you suggest for me just one thing I should/could/would do to accomplish these goals? I'm afraid that if I don't start the work soon, I will lose the will to do it. And that is not okay with me. It would really bum me out.

One last thing. Are you sure it's the right thing to sit and wait? I'm not so sure. People are dying. It feels absolutely urgent to me. I KNOW it's not up to me. Isn't it up to me to call it like it is??? See what I'm saying? I know I need help. But this is life and death, even when it's simply spiritual death. Or simply soul death. It is excruciating to have lived through, and almost as bad to read.

With all sincerity, and with a complete willingness to just sit quietly and listen, I would like some direction and guidance.

Thank you in advance, oh mighty warrior chick.
And yes, school ROCKS, doesn't it? and :l
Thank you.

[LadyLush]

Progress thread for ne

Ne-

I know I am a little late in the game, but we have work to do my friend. We can open doors. With your rhetoric stance and the persistance of our fellow Bacers we can make a difference. Don't give up; the fight has just begun.

LL

[Doggygirl]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Ne. Glad I checked here before pulling up my new Dual Disorders assignment for the week! School really and truly does totally rock.

Anyway...

I sat here for a little while thinking about your question. The 12 steps are a road map for living and they have certainly been adapted in a zillion different ways to help people with a wide variety of different situations and problems. Alanon, NA, OA and all manner of 12 step groups I never knew existed like Emotional Healers Anonymous, etc. So obviously a lot of different people are finding a peace of mind or whatever it is of value (for me peace of mind is at the top of the list - i.e. contented sobriety and contended living most of the time).

Maybe a good start would be to consider what is the essence of each step? As you already pointed out, part of the essence of step 1 is about accepting powerlessness. What I have personally learned through studying this step is that alcohol is far from being the only thing I am powerless over. Much of my personal chaos and misery came about due to my attempts to control other people, such as my husband and other family members. They weren't doing whatever it was I wanted them to be doing, or thought they should be doing, and I was in a low grade state of frustration and anger all the time over stuff like that.

The other facet of step one is unmanageability. This part was easy for me to see in terms of how alcohol affected my life in the later years. It was obvious. Drinking on the job and boss knowing it. Missing all manner of family events because I'd rather sit home and drink. Planning what I needed to be doing each day, and then never accomplishing a fraction of it due to drinking instead. Messy house, messy marriage, messy life. Obvious. What was not so obvious was the chaos that reigned in my mind in more subtle ways. It sounds like you are recognizing that you don't have the peace of mind you would like to have (or something along those lines). Those are the kinds of things you might try to organize in terms of what is unmanageable in your life. Does that make sense?

At any rate, maybe a starting point would be just to consider the essence of step one. Are there things in your life you are trying to control - things that are frustrating you and not working out they way you want them to - that are causing you pain and are really not within your control?

Acceptance of that which I cannot control is the really the goal as far as I have come with this step. Of course there are many old timers that would probably tell me there is way more to it that I haven't figured out yet, and they would probably be right!

One I reached a point of "ok, I get it." Then the work begins to actually DO the acceptance and that takes work and things learned in other steps come into play. (i.e. if I don't have the power to control something, who does?)

My view of "higher power" is not a traditional Christian view. (and not one that I learned from any organized religious or spiritual framework) When I was struggling with that question, someone recommended a book to me - One Breath at a Time - A Buddhism and the Twelve Steps. It is sitting on my shelf unread lol (I am a book hoarder! is there a 12 step program for that??). But for some reason as I was reading your post that book came to mind and I'm wondering if it's something that might be interesting. http://www.amazon.com/One-Breath-Tim...owViewpoints=1

Also, I have a friend I met through AA who is not an alcloholic - she never drank in her life and doesn't now. She enjoys studying the Big Book and the Steps and finds every Open meeting in the area that is a Big Book or Step meeting. Obviously she has found a way to relate to the materials and discussions without being an alcoholic. Open mind and all that I guess.

Anyway...a few things to think about. Don't know if that helps. Peace of mind is worth pursuing. I only have a little of it but I want more. It's a good drug.

DG

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks for the thoughtful response, DG. That is where I will start. (Is it judgmental to think your friend is completely bonkers? Cause I do, cause she is. But I'll reflect or something on it. :H)

RedT, there happened to be a groupon this morning for a yoga studio in the area that looks to be practicing yoga the way I'm interested in doing it. It felt unaffordable and inconvenient. They offer a weekly sunrise class on the beach on the day that I have to be at the beach for a meeting.

Her name happens to be Beth.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks, Reg. That's not the theme song I've been channeling for school. It does, however, make me really miss the good ol' days. Wait. When were they??? :H

[Doggygirl]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1182920 wrote: (Is it judgmental to think your friend is completely bonkers? Cause I do, cause she is. But I'll reflect or something on it. :H)

.

Sometimes I have moments when I realize how much more open my mind is today than it was a few short years ago. There are just so many things now that I can just shrug my shoulders about and not go to that judgemental place that I know so very, very well. And then of course there are plenty of other moments where the "old me" is alive and well! :H Those occassions where I am able to be the "new me" - a more open minded and less judgemental sort give me motivation to continue working on it. It is much less stressful when I can manage to just work on me and let everyone else work on them, and being OK if they don't do it at all or don't do it the way I think they should. And heck - the moments of an open mind have helped me learn a few new things.

The acceptance passage in the Big Book is one that really speaks to me in terms of understanding what causes disruption and chaos in my mind. I'm sure you've heard it/seen it a million times but FWIW.. Key to Serenity - Acceptance Is the Key to Serenity

I am such a novice at all this but I crave more. OK - back to understanding the challenges of the schizophrenic substance dependent person... (which makes me see just exactly how good i have it in this life!)

DG

[gratitude]

Progress thread for ne

where are you my friend? I missed all this drama with Murphy but it seemed pretty ugly from what I can gather. tell me you didn't leave also? if that is true I think I'll cash in my chips also. I've been here since 2006? I think? I was drunk back then and trying the supplements. seen a lot of people get sober in that time with BAC. and I've seen you help a lot of folks and make a lot of friends along the way. I hope you are just on vacation? anyone? gratitude.

[gratitude]

Progress thread for ne

p.s. I used a different moniker back then (2006) in case anyone noticed my start date.

[RedThread12]

Progress thread for ne

Hey, Ne:

I just emailed you before I up-dated myself with your thread. One of the big points of my email was just to tell you how grateful I am to you and how much I honor your fortitude and strength by continuing to show up here on MWO, even when "under fire," with more grace and clarity than I could even begin to muster.

So after reading here, I want to post that here. I am constantly amazed at the extent to which members read something in a post, but often it is something that isn't even there, or was the least significant point of the entire post, and then take a tangent (there is no judgment in the word "tangent," it just means a line of thought that touches only one point of the whole) that travels into infinity and beyond. And leaves the body and intent of the original post just sitting there. It really is a fascination.

As I've been writing this I've been trying to think of what I could offer to help you be as loving and okay with you and your sensitivity and impatience and all things human as I am with all those parts of you. And I think I've figured it out! It's a discourse by a teacher named Wes Nisker. He humorously paints the picture with words of where we are in the universe, a product of millions or billions of years of evolution, wondering why we can't just change it. His summary is, "You are not your fault."

I, for one, thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting yourself in front of the firing squad (okay, some days we're just firing jokes), every day. It helps me, that's for sure.

[Doggygirl]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Ne. Just thinking of you.

DG

[mario]

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Yes Ne how doing you :-)