Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Reading over the last page or two of posts here is a bit painful! It just reminds me of all of the things I was supposed to do and thought I'd have done by now. Ugh.

I'm a bit kerfuffled. In fact, I think I am waffling on the edge of actual depression. Bummer, right? I figure the difference is this: I know what tools to use, how to get out of my head and into the moment and take care of myself. I know these things. I am having a really hard time doing them. All I want right now is to get into bed for a day or two. In some ways that might not be a bad idea, though I'd have to schedule the time for some time next week. (Which is just funny. I remember when I couldn't schedule anything for the day after tomorrow because I didn't know how sick I'd be...) (Plus I knew if it came down to it, I'd probably choose to drink.)

But staying in bed makes me feel like crap. My back starts to hurt again, my muscles have random stiffness and aches and pains. I feel old and worthless just from taking too long a nap. Worse than all of that, I start to think I am incapable, life is too overwhelming and nothing will work out. I think these things and then I wonder, practically aloud, “Where the fuck did that come from???” ‘cause life is pretty damn great right now and has been for a good while.

The supreme irony of all of this is that I STILL blame baclofen. :H My anxiety (the kind that happens in my brain and is pretty unrelated to circumstances) is pretty high right now. I'm not eating or exercising, nor am I accomplishing the basic to-do list. I find myself thinking that I should titrate down a little bit! That my absent-mindedness, inability to focus or to sleep soundly will be improved if I go down. Which is absurd.


My mind is simply not “on” right now. And it’s not the baclofen. It’s something else. It’s frustrating and a little scary. I can’t not be “on” when I go back to school in 6 weeks.

Instead of going down, I’m going back up. I’m not very happy about it, honestly. And I don’t know if it’s the right decision. But I’ve tried some other things that I’ll go on about tomorrow, and they’re not working for me.

I’m going to try to keep track of it here because it is frustrating (even for me) that there isn’t anyone around who I can look to as an example for what to do. Or not to do!!!

There are answers out there, of that I’m sure. Maybe someone around here knows ‘em. That’s usually the case. :l

[RedThread12]

Progress thread for ne

Ummm . . . six weeks is, um, let me think . . . oh, yeah! Six. Weeks. Away!

Can you even remember all of the things that you did that you didn't plan to do, and did or didn't get done, and all that you DID do to take care of what needed to be done in the past six weeks? Well, the next six weeks is sure to be an adventure, too!!

Rest, if you need to. It is not possible to do nothing.

Signed:

Your loving Buddhist Dominatrix: Saffron robes, beatific smile, black stilletos and a whip.

[COSGringo]

Progress thread for ne

Most everyone gets in a funk now and then.
I wouldn't change the bac unless you are drinking again. What about benzos for your anxiety? Do you need something more long term like an AD?
Try to get a good solid 8 hours of sleep then you might want to do some things. I want to but I can't really walk right now. Oh well. This too shall pass.
At least I am not drinking.
But again get a solid sleep. I get tired still from the baclofen. I hate to say this as it's probably not healthy but a sugar free strong energy drink might perk you up during the day.
Go shopping and get some fresh veggies and food. Cook yourself some nice meals. Go for a nice walk and enjoy the sweltering heat.
You'll be fine. Don't overanalyze it.

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

Oh dear, NE, I'm so caught up in how much you're helping me that it never occurred to me that... yeah.

Red is so completely right, and COS too. We all get down on ourselves time and again. So what if there's a ton of crap you haven't done? There's a lot of crap out there that a lot of people haven't done.

I understand being "not on." And how important it is for that to go away. So we make strategic decisions, right? It sucks that there isn't anyone to give some guidance on that one. But you'll do what you think needs to be done, and if that doesn't work you'll do something else. The salient point there is that you're rationally choosing your course of action. I don't have much experience with depression (everyone, including the pdocs I've talked with, is shocked and amazed by this, by the way) but I'm sure it's overwhelming.

Still, you don't sound totally panicked, which is great, and so you're identifying a problem and going through your options. That's amazing, frankly. So, just like all the BS pop-psych literature says, focus on the positives and build from there.

Or go to bed, if that's what you're telling yourself to do. Sounds to me like you won't stay there very long. Again, rational you won't be OK that once you're there. And, again, it's just another way of trying on solutions to see which one fits. You'll figure out pretty quickly which are (or aren't) going to work.

Just know, and I know you do, that whatever you do it's not like it's permanent. Go up a little on the bac. Doesn't mean you're on a titration stairway to Heaven or anything. Or fuck it, come down. You're on bac to not drink, yes? So if you're not drinking against your will it's doing its job--but really that's its only job. (I know, I know. The brain receptor wizardry and axiolotic effects, but I think we've mostly figured out it's not the silver bullet.) So messing with the dose, as long as you don't feel like drinking, is pretty much whatevs.

I dunno. I'm not in much of a place to give pep-talks right now (or ever [neva eva? I hope that's lolz]).

But I did really want to chime in on your thread and give ya' some love. :l

T

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

Oh, Ne. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I think's it's important to keep in mind that you have a lot going on...the housing situtation (what's up with that anyhow? Are you in an apartment?), WORRYING about school (which can be worse than actual school)...
But please do let us know how it goes. As a vitamin dork, I have to suggest something. I've been taking a tablespoon daily of lecithin. I bought it to use as a kava emulsifier, then realized I don't like kava. Did some reading, and turns out that lecithin is good for memory and repairing damage in the brain done by drinking. Something about choline and acetyl l something or other. Just a thought.
Thought of you cause Charlie Trotter came in the other night. I'd never seen him before, and let me tell you, he is decidedly unsexy in person. Very nice though. And a fan of Grey Goose martinis.
Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

RedThread12;1338088 wrote:

Your loving Buddhist Dominatrix: Saffron robes, beatific smile, black stilletos and a whip.

You're awesome, Red.

[spacebebe01]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Ne, are you feeling any better yet, have you had some chill out time. You do have so much on and Im sure the housing situation must be causing you stress whether your aware of it or not it cant be good not knowing where you are going to be living and whether your dream house will come along. But it will, Im a firm believer that so long as we keep on doing the right things then good things will happen for us. You try to help so many people and work so hard you are due good vibes back to you.

I think you have 6 weeks off school and Im just hoping you will be able to chill during this time, I only say this because I know for some very busy peeps having time off can seem more stressful than being on the go, maybe you can take a leaf out of red's book and get some black stilletoes on

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Good morning! (4am here. Couldn't sleep.)

Thank you all. I was feeling VERY morose/unloved/unlovable. boohoo. cry me a river...

Yep. 6 weeks. But the truth is, I feel lousy NOW. I hate feeling lousy. Then fear takes over. I'll tell you what, FDR was right on about that one. No greater fear than fear itself.

And I'll admit I am scared of this house. The one we bought. Yesterday!!! It's not in the city, not central to anything, really, in a very quiet neighborhood. Not a lot of peeps walking around, not a farmer's market in sight...

The last time I lived outside of the middle of things I completely fell apart. Drank day and night. Ended up in rehab (again.) It wasn't the ending up in rehab that was so awful, though. It was the period of time right before that, when I covered the windows with blankets because it was too light, couldn't answer the door, didn't eat, left the house only to go get beer.
I'm an isolationist, it turns out. (Not an introvert, obviously. :H) I don't like to leave my space. But that means that I need people around me to keep me engaged. Or I'm going to have to break out of the box and learn new skills and make a real effort to get in the car and drive to be where people are. As opposed to taking the dog for a walk at dinner time and running into half a dozen people and catching up and carrying on. You know?
I'm scared.
I think I have 72 hours to back out of the contract, and my poor husband will support me in whatever I think feels right. Because he is more scared of me ending up back there than I am. (Not with the booze, mind you. I'm pretty clear I will neva eva drink again against my will. Not without real effort anyway!)

I got an A in the class I blew off! You know, the one I thought I was going to fail...The mind can be so difficult to keep in touch with reality.
And I did actually take a day to spend in pajamas. Got up, got dressed, was literally on the way out of the house and thought, "fuck it." Put back on pj's and created a floor plan for the new house. The world did not fall apart!

WCL-Dontcha wanna be just like Red when you grow up? Trotter's not even sexy in that uber-nerdy kinda way? It's the chef thing, though. I'm a chef groupie.

Red-I'm gonna channel you for a bit. Thank you for the energy and the wisdom. For the first time in more than a year I don't know...I don't trust that I'm in touch enough to make the right decision. I don't trust that it will all work out, even when I can't see how or why. I am untrusting. It's really bumming me out. I miss clarity!
As to the ritalin thing...Adderall is messing me up! It doesn't fix what ails, and as a go-to for focus, it's just not working. In fact, I think it messes up my balance.

Space, I have been thinking so much about you in terms of the struggle you're having with being depressed. I get it, even if I don't think I have it! (does that make sense?) When it takes super-human effort to get out of bed and take a shower, the rest is just too damn much to contemplate. But dammit, life is too good and there has GOT to be an answer.

LA-lol. And yes, strategic decision making, blind faith and more will power than I thought I had got me through HDB. That's a lasting lesson! But bac has also been a panacea of sorts for me in other ways. I don't know if it's just the freedom from booze. I think it might be that it sorts out my brain chemistry. I think this may be one of those examples of individual-ness. But I have never been so...well balanced. I am pretty certain that I was dealing with undiagnosed, unrecognized even by me, pretty dramatic anxiety for most of my life.

COS-I'm pretty sure you nailed it in terms of the food thing. I haven't been eating. At all. I look in the fridge when I get hungry and all that I see are things on the "no" list. (white foods mostly) Then I forget about eating (the way other people forget to go to the bathroom or something) and then I'm feckin' starving and I eat every piece of chocolate in the house or from the 7-11.
So this wannabe vegetarian is going paleo. erg. I know that paleo has room for vegetarian-types, but I don't eat enough, so I'm going whole hog. () (Not that I "believe" in the whole paleo movement. I don't. but...It actually works for me, I am pretty sure. :H)
That and supplements. (Again, I'm not a "believer." :H)

Thanks again, peeps. It's my uncle's memorial today. We never heard back from, nor could we reach out to, my cousin. That's on my list, too. Not in a bad way. Just in a "don't forget about those that are still sick and suffering" way.
Which brings me to a last point (if anyone has even read this whole thing!):

If you're lurking, and you want to reach out, but don't know how, just jump in! I am not the best mentor/facilitator at the moment. Your questions will get a reply here!
Going to be a busy, emotional weekend, and I'm definitely feeling like I need to be connected to my peeps, and peeps like me, so thanks for being there. :l

[spacebebe01]

Progress thread for ne

:l

[COSGringo]

Progress thread for ne

Hang in there Ne. It sounds like you are a tad agoraphobic but I am no shrink. Perhaps some kind of counseling? I like being a bit separated but I am a bit of an introvert or maybe I just make myself that way. Dunno. Walk your dog at night if you don't want to run into people. At least it will get you out. I do that myself but partially because she's a big ball of fur and it's too hot during the day.

If you don't like the house then move. I suggest maybe you put some time into it and make it homey. Get some curtains and such. Maybe some black out shades for the bedroom so you can sleep well. I can't live without those.

How long is the contract? A year? Can you try it for that long? A year is really nothing in the grand scheme of things. You might end up liking it. I wish I had a farmer's market in walking distance. We do but it's only Saturdays and it's lousy. I can't walk now anyways thanks to gout.

Maybe join some sort of club. There's a web based system called meetup. I joined a photo group although it's lame for me as the times they pick are not times for us working folks but there a ton of them out there. Maybe drive to a good farmer's market. It will take up some of your time.

Try not to dwell on things. Easier said then done I realize. Keep yourself occupied with the house or move to the city.

The uncle thing sucks. My cousin died from liver failure at 41 (drinking) and my family never got an invite (even from her sister). I never got closure. I had just spoken to her days before and she was on a waiting list for a transplant and she sounded upbeat (perhaps from the painkillers?). But yeah life sucks.
Had a friend die last week from liver and kidney failure. He had gastric bypass and he drank even more than that (studies show alcoholism increases after that). He left behind 3 kids and a wife. Lots of things to get depressed about but somehow life keeps marching on, it has to.

Make a decision about your living conditions and quick. Whatever you decide on make the best of it. It sounds like you are gloomy and I don't get the feeling you are usually like that. I am in a rut myself but I know things will get better and I look at all the good things I have and have done. A lot of things some folks will never get to do and barely get by day to day. Try to make a spin on things.

I get that's easy for me to say but believe me I could easily spiral down right now but I am not dwelling on it. BTW, anyone want a cat? I can't take mine anymore. She meows constantly when she wants to eat. Tried training my dog to eat her but apparently feline is not on her list of yummy foods.

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

Dammit. Lost my post. Too angry now to rewrite it. I'll try again tomorrow.
Short version: I know how you feel, Ne. And it sucks. Wishing you the best through this difficult time.

[spacebebe01]

Progress thread for ne

COS Try feeding the cat then

[Sticky]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Ne

I've been lurking and done a little posting. To be honest it's hard breaking away from the TSM website, much as naltrexone didn't work for me. I still have a suppoprt network there after 17 months of giving TSM a good go. Anyway, I wanted to say "Hi". Thanks to Susie's Mum, I have now been prescribed Baclofen in New Zealand, and she said you were one of her main sources of support here. I have met her for coffee a couple of times and hope to meet her daughter eventually. Took 15mg bac for 1 week, 30 for week 2 and am now on 50 mg for 2 weeks. Feeling a little tired, but not too bad. My life had once again spiralled out of control due to my drinking, even while taking naltrexone before drinking.

Sorry to hear things aren't going so well for you. Thanks for your enthusiastic participation on this board.

Cheers
Sticky :new:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I would have loved the long version, WCL. But thanks for the short version. I'm still a little miffed that you weren't blown away by Trotter, but then I realized my chef obsession might be over?! Especially since it was always all about the wine, anyway...:H (Work for the best restaurants and you get the best booze. Right?) Also meant to expound on something you wrote a while back about the cool couple enjoying a drink and that you were...jealous, angry etc. Some other time, maybe. But rest assured you never know what goes on behind closed doors. The amount of booze they put away, that could've been Ed and I. (Not that we were ever that cool, but we were young and more hip once! :H) Will you update already???

spacebebe01;1339395 wrote: COS Try feeding the cat then:H You rock space.

COSGringo;1338920 wrote:
If you don't like the house then move. I suggest maybe you put some time into it and make it homey. Get some curtains and such. Ah, COS. That's the ticket isn't it? Rather than just curtains, though, I've embarked on a plan of action that includes painting every room and the kitchen cabinets before we move in. The curtains have yet to be determined, but I've ordered at least a dozen swatches. (Not that I'm buying them from the expensive places I am getting the swatches from. I'll make 'em. I'm cheep like that.)

COSGringo;1338920 wrote: Make a decision about your living conditions and quick. Whatever you decide on make the best of it. It sounds like you are gloomy and I don't get the feeling you are usually like that. I am in a rut myself but I know things will get better and I look at all the good things I have and have done. A lot of things some folks will never get to do and barely get by day to day. Try to make a spin on things.

Yep. Yep and yep. I am not agoraphobic. That's one of the ones I missed out on. :H I was however having a huge pity party for myself, thinking about how big and scary and unfriendly the whole world is, and how no one will come visit me because I don't live in a cool place and how nothing. will. ever. be. okay. pfffffffffft. Such drama! 'cause you're right. That's not how I roll. Life is too damn good. Plus I've been eating. I cannot tell you how much that helps!

I'm bac on the bus, ya'll. I reread an email I got several days ago from a MWO friend that put some clarification on the whole thing. In an instant! This house is almost exactly what we need and for too many reasons to elucidate here. It's not the 100 year old cottage that needs to be rewired, add a bathroom, build an office in the garage and make do with construction paraphernalia laying around...But that fantasy will just have to be on hold for a while. I gotta do me, first. Eyes on the goal--school. That's it. No time for the rest. Plus, this house has room enough for having overnight company comfortably and two full bathrooms--very hard to come by in older homes. So consider yourselves invited!


Sticky;1339418 wrote: Hi Ne

Thanks to Susie's Mum, I have now been prescribed Baclofen in New Zealand, and she said you were one of her main sources of support here. I have met her for coffee a couple of times and hope to meet her daughter eventually. Took 15mg bac for 1 week, 30 for week 2 and am now on 50 mg for 2 weeks. Feeling a little tired, but not too bad. My life had once again spiralled out of control due to my drinking, even while taking naltrexone before drinking.

WOW! Hi! And welcome. (again!) I am so incredibly thrilled that you made the connection, and honestly a little jealous that you've had coffee with Susiesmum. She's one of my heroes. I love her with my whole heart. What an incredible woman.

I'm sorry that nal didn't work for you. I completely understand not being able to tear oneself away from a forum once you've made friends. I have tried...Hasn't worked yet.

I'm glad you've met up with the same doctor too. He also sounds like he's an extraordinary human being, and an amazing doctor. I hope you'll keep in touch here, Sticky. And the next time you see or talk to mum, give her a hug (or the comfortable equivalent) for me.

:l to you Sticky, and to the rest of you, too. More from me later. The sun's up and I gotta busta move.
(and thank you, thank you, thank you.)

[COSGringo]

Progress thread for ne

Damn cat started this morning at 5:30 am on my only day to sleep in.
See the thing about this cat is if I leave food out she will eat and eat. Barf, then eat and eat. I have a bulimic cat. 2nd one I've had like that. My dog eats like a cat and my cat eats like a dog. If this cat wasn't so old I swear to god I would get rid of her. I bought a dog some years ago. My first and I will never go back to cats. Cats think the world revolves around them my dog just smiles and is happy to see me.

Ne- glad to hear you sound like you are in a positive light now. I hate painting. Did it too many times so I wuss out and pay someone. I need my house done, anyone looking for a side job?
Whatever you do when you move in, don't get a cat. If you have any doubt see above paragraph.