Progress thread for ne

[gratitude]

Progress thread for ne

hi ne,
have you ever thought about writing a book about your sobriety and bac? i say this because of all the people on MWO that i've read over the past 5 years or so you seem to be able to express your thoughts and experiences better than most.
from drunk to ultra hip 40ish? super student...
really, i know you are busy enough but i think you have a gift for expressing your thoughts about sobriety and BAC. could help get the word out to the general population and if it becomes a best seller well... i would only require a small fee for putting the idea out there.
i know you would at least have an audience of one grat

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Day 2 post tequila: Not hungover anymore!!! WOOOHOOOOOO!

Thanks for your thoughts, peeps. I'll respond more later.

:l

[Cassander]

Progress thread for ne

gratitude;1521079 wrote: hi ne,
have you ever thought about writing a book about your sobriety and bac? i say this because of all the people on MWO that i've read over the past 5 years or so you seem to be able to express your thoughts and experiences better than most.
from drunk to ultra hip 40ish? super student...
really, i know you are busy enough but i think you have a gift for expressing your thoughts about sobriety and BAC. could help get the word out to the general population and if it becomes a best seller well... i would only require a small fee for putting the idea out there.
i know you would at least have an audience of one grat

Great idea!

[Sticky]

Progress thread for ne

Hi NE

Sorry to hear you had to go thru another hangover. Tequila is scary stuff!
Glad you are better now. I agree with the others that your ongoing support is awesome.

Sticky :thanks:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Gooood morning! And it is a good one.

First night post tequila I got two hours of sleep, then had a full day in a hospital (for school), and still felt hungover when I went to bed almost 48 hours after the equivalent of 5 drinks and a beer. (A beer! When I finished the last of the tequila, I decided on a beer! oy vey.) I am much too old for that stuff. Thank goodness.

spiritwolf333;1520841 wrote: Our thought machines are great when they are good and they are hell when they misfire. (either highly creative or highly not creating).

Lastly Ne -there is some-thing great for us like-minded folk to realize that we are all just human-beings on our own journeys and yet somehow, even in our own sufferings, we are still willing to reach out and help others. Just a thought.
My mind creates all kinds of stuff, especially when I'm not paying attention! Once, when I was still titrating up (so a bit wonky to say the least) I convinced myself that I bleep was not well. I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days, and rather than thinking rationally, I just decided that he'd gotten drunk and been eaten by a lion or a very abusive policeman. (Remember Bleep?) Turns out he had a business trip and there wasn't internet access.

Anyway. I don't think that kind of thinking is exclusive to our kind, I think that it is human nature. I've learned that so many things I believed to be a function of my illness are in fact just a function of being human. (It was such a relief to find out I was not a drunk because I was morally bankrupt or spiritually disconnected. All humans struggle to do the right things some times, and goodness knows being spiritually disconnected is a theme that runs through humanity time out of mind.) Alcoholics don't have any sort of lock on that one. It's for those reasons that I think you're right about being creative and about reaching out to others. I think helping other people really helps. I know it helps me. Doesn't keep me sober, but it does keep me from being a totally self-absorbed nincompoop sometimes. And of course, the other times, I just mess it all up. Thanks for the kind words. They're appreciated.

bleep;1520921 wrote: Good lord, I almost had to go get drunk! I mean that nicely.
Ha! You just quoted my post so I couldn't delete it, didn't you? With two kids and a full life, I'm pretty sure I'm not the thing that drives you to get drunk.

spiritwolf333;1520929 wrote:
For me, I find it remarkable how I use to punish myself by abusing alcohol.

oh, I know! I just try to remember that, just like the irrational thoughts, the decisions I was making (like to drink when I knew it ravaged my life) were against my will...They still happen (obviously! ha!) but now I get to choose. For instance, if bleep disappeared again and I couldn't reach him I would probably decide that it was unlikely he was eaten or beaten. Ya' know? And the self-abuse? That is enemy No. 1. One of my mantras is "Hey, I'm pretty cool." :H (Remember the book from way back? I'm ok, you're ok? lolol. that's so full of sh*t. But true, too.)

I'm really sorry about your brother. That is terrible on all kinds of levels. I would be furious with my brother, in addition to being heartbroken. I hope you are healing. :l

kronkcarr;1521036 wrote: I went back at the start of your thread to read your journey and so much appears to have been deleted that I quit reading.

I know. My bad. I got self-conscious and out of sorts. And other stuff. It was not a wise decision in many ways. I'm really sorry I deleted the parts where I lost my ever-lovin' mind. People would take comfort in the fact that I made it to a relatively normal space after the fact! :H

kronkcarr;1521036 wrote: IAfter starting bac I realized how sensitive I really am--like you are. I covered it all up with alcohol, sarcasm and cynicism. I realized that at times, maybe most times, I felt I could hardly stand being in the world.
Yep. I instituted a policy while titrating up about No Bad News. I really, honestly couldn't take in more emotional burden than what I was dealing with. I stopped listening to NPR, even, when the BBC broadcast opened with a story about a busload of children in Nepal or somewhere who died when it went off the road. I was like, HUH? So desperate for terrible things to report you've got to go around the world to find a tragedy??? anyway...Your point is taken and I agree.

Bummer about the dentist and the money. I have a very similar situation going on. (Need a tooth replaced. It's ~$3000. Not going to do it any time soon!) Add to it that I hate the dentist and found out only after I was sober that anesthetics don't really work for alcoholics. But of course, no one knew I was a drunk. They just thought I was being histrionic. *sigh*

gratitude;1521079 wrote: hi ne,
have you ever thought about writing a book about your sobriety and bac?

GRAT! Always nice to hear from you, especially since you have such nice things to say. Yes. It's on the list, maybe. It's daunting and stressful and honestly completely freaks me out. But yes. I'm thinking about it. Right, Cass?

Sticky;1521777 wrote: Hi NE

Sorry to hear you had to go thru another hangover. Tequila is scary stuff!
Glad you are better now. I agree with the others that your ongoing support is awesome.

Sticky :thanks:

Thanks Sticky! Hangovers suuuuuck. I'm not sure I'll be able to drink tequila again, honestly. It was the brushing my teeth and throwing up thing that crossed the line. Terrible, terrible start to the day.

Hope today is a positive one...

[Cassander]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1521831 wrote: ...

GRAT! Always nice to hear from you, especially since you have such nice things to say. Yes. It's on the list, maybe. It's daunting and stressful and honestly completely freaks me out. But yes. I'm thinking about it. Right, Cass?

...

Right, Ne!

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1521831 wrote:
Ha! You just quoted my post so I couldn't delete it, didn't you? With two kids and a full life, I'm pretty sure I'm not the thing that drives you to get drunk.

No, I meant that with all that going on my head I would probably have an aneurism. Failing that, I would gladly go off to the pub and try and get outside a bottle of tequila.

I just quoted it to show how long it was, if you want to change it I will happily delete mine. But you seem to have realised deleting is bad, so...

[joanna_d]

Progress thread for ne

"nincompoop". i love that word. i've heard it somewhere a looong time ago and had never seen it written.

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

I neither like nor dislike the word. I'm curious as to why you felt disclosure was necessary at this particular time though!?

Or have you fallen foul of someone's deletion here?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

That confuses me, bleep. I think you've done that before...or maybe it was Murphy? I guess it was Murphy who quoted an entire post and stated that was the reason.

It is a tad long and obviously I can only hope that someday I will be a bit more zen...Probably would be if I actually did something about it. Other than read about addiction and then write about addiction and then think about it, all the while trying to figure out how to live a 'balanced' life and still do all the things I want to do because I couldn't do them for 20 years and now I can. Whatev. I'm working on it.

And no, I don't have any issues deleting if that's what I need to do. I don't exactly regret what I've deleted in the past...For many reasons. Which I've stated over and over and over again. (Not that you were asking! I just thought I'd point that out.) And no, I am not really worried about anybody else's choices in that regard, either. Not for me to say, after all. It is funny when it happens though.

ANYWAY...

And as for posting, well, sometimes it feels right and sometimes it doesn't. I figure we all go through that.

Love that word, too, Jo.

[Colin]

Progress thread for ne

nincompoops.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Manoman. Ed is out of town tonight, left early this morning, and I think today is the last straw for me. I've completely had it with my inability to willingly take care of myself. I don't remember if I even washed my face this morning. I haven't left the house today. I made a wreck in every room. (Actually, that's fine. Needed to be done. I figure some of you will know that in order to get it straight you gotta tear it up! ) I sat on my butt in front of the computer almost all damn day, and still haven't finished what needed to be done by 3pm. I ate approximately 6 cups of coffee for breakfast, had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch at 3 and another for dinner at 9. Two packs of cigarettes to fill in the gap, all of them inside and now the place reeks. UGH. This Must End.

I did actually make it to the doctor on Friday, and had the blood tests that I wanted to so I can figure out if there's something up with me or if I just need to...let's see...eat better, (hell, just eat!) sleep more, exercise, and manage my stress. I was annoyed that my doc didn't seem to think there was going to be anything up with the blood tests, and when I asked her what she thought could be going on if it wasn't any of the physical stuff, she told me we'd talk about it after I finish school. Which is funny and alarming. That's 15 months away, and I'm going into another program afterward. oy. If this keeps up, I will be overweight, completely unable to breath, much less bust a groove at the gym, and sorry that I threw away my bigger clothes. Not to mention miserable. Eff that.

And really the reason I'm typing all of this here, tonight, is because my anxiety level is not good. It's not manageable. I barely recognize it to manage it! Over the last 6 months I have spent a lot of money, some of it compulsively. And in fact, a lot of things seem a little compulsive right now. There could be several reasons for these things, completely unrelated to any sort of anxiety disorder or the fact that I have titrated down (from 160 to 80 mg) over the last 6 months. But who knows? It could be the bac. Or at least that the bac may help. So I'm going back up a small bit.

EDIT because I wanted to add that one of the biggest gifts I gave myself several months after indifference was seeing a therapist I liked pretty regularly. It was a great way to touch base with someone to make sure I wasn't completely off kilter. And sometimes I was off kilter, of course. Mostly when I thought I was doing/feeling/being something that felt alarming or disconcerting. She'd suggest it was a perfectly normal human thing. Who knew? Certainly not me.

And I'm also going to exercise for 40 minutes tomorrow morning. Hope you'll hold me to it.

Good night MWO. Good night super huge moon!

[Cassander]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1523145 wrote:

And I'm also going to exercise for 40 minutes tomorrow morning. Hope you'll hold me to it.

Ne...FWIW, all you HAVE to do is 30 minutes cardio at up to 80% max heart rate, six times a week. All the other stuff...gym, strength/weights, yoga, walking, spinning, whatever...all of it...is good...and helpful...but optional. The cardio is absolutely mandatory. Cass

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Cassander;1523161 wrote: Ne...FWIW, all you HAVE to do is 30 minutes cardio at up to 80% max heart rate, six times a week. All the other stuff...gym, strength/weights, yoga, walking, spinning, whatever...all of it...is good...and helpful...but optional. The cardio is absolutely mandatory. Cass

Did you miss the part about the two packs of cigarettes and the lack of food? 30 minutes of cardio feels like it will take years and 80% HR right now may send me into some sort of paroxysm. Or not. We'll see.

btw, some new science says lifting is just as effective as cardio. But again, whatev. I'm shooting for moving without sitting for 40 minutes.

I've just order the Mate books. (An ADD one! woot!) Please read Clean. That's directed at the whole world. I would really, really appreciate it if the whole world would read Clean. Right now.

Stuck, I read it on the other thread, but I'm here now...The marine cadences? That's a GREAT idea. And 14 min/miles (hilly!) is not shabby. (I think my best was 12. It made me happy.)

Sorry things are lackluster. You're looking sparkly from here, which I know doesn't help you much and is probably irritating to read. But there it is. Sparkle on.

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

They are pretty good. You can get them on iTunes or on CD from Amazon. "Run With Marines" or somesuch, you should search for.

Oh, and you know what else is a GREAT idea? Sleep. You should get some of that here pretty soon.

EDIT: Oh, and I've been spending money like... well, a lot of it lately, too. I bought a new coffee maker and new grinder--that's about $300 right there, and then decided that I need a digital scale to measure coffee now, since to be all serious about it, apparently, you're supposed to measure the beans out by weight, not be spoonfuls.

But you know what? Sure, I went overboard on the grinder and all, but a $35 scale? That's less than a night at the bar and a bottle from the liquor store after. A lot less than that. You I think drank a bit cheaper than I did, and haven't drank like that in a long time anyway, so you probably don't remember it--but cut yourself some slack, yeah?