Progress thread for ne

[ifulovelife2]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1523168 wrote: Did you miss the part about the two packs of cigarettes

What? Why do you smoke? It's gross and unhealthy. Didn't you know that?

I no longer smoke. I haven't for several weeks. I know what you're thinking: "wow, Murph is awesome!!!". And well yeah, I guess you'd be right.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

ifulovelife2;1524216 wrote: What? Why do you smoke? It's gross and unhealthy. Didn't you know that?

I no longer smoke. I haven't for several weeks. I know what you're thinking: "wow, Murph is awesome!!!". And well yeah, I guess you'd be right.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm pretty sure that's because you don't have any stress in your life. Or perhaps it's because you no longer have hands? Your lips are sewn?

Not to worry, though! I'm smoking enough for the both of us. I have an exam in an hour and I'm going to faaaaaiiiiiilllllll it. Not really. And I forget that I decided that I did not have to do really well. I want to channel bleep and just go with the floooo. *sigh********

So glad, Reg! Thanks for the kind words. xo

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

Good am NE -hope you did we'll on your exam. I just finished reading the article you suggested (Esquire Magazine). That article is just damn hilarious. I enjoyed reading his rules -really liked number 2. And NE, I think this is the first article that I have read where the writer uses the word "FIREWATER". So, if others are interested, here is the link to the article:

Giles Coren Gives Up Booze - Esquire

(A)." Now, under the influence of the firewater, I was relaxed, fearless, louche, attractive, generous. Even, almost, magnetic."

(B) "Rule Two: Get in a load of Bavaria zero per cent wheat beer. At first, to a hardened beer drinker this shit tastes like a fat bird?s first syrupy piss of the morning. But you get used to it, and you need something ice cold and slightly bitter to crack at 7pm to tell you it?s downtime."

Thanks for the post.

[Cassander]

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spiritwolf333;1524634 wrote: ... So, if others are interested, here is the link to the article:

Giles Coren Gives Up Booze - Esquire

...
(B) "Rule Two: Get in a load of Bavaria zero per cent wheat beer. At first, to a hardened beer drinker this shit tastes like a fat bird?s first syrupy piss of the morning. But you get used to it, and you need something ice cold and slightly bitter to crack at 7pm to tell you it?s downtime."

...

Morning, Spirit.

I read the article. Very funny. To be serious for a moment, I think he has only made it 90% of the way "home". I know he is a writer and he is trying to be funny, but as part of his new AF life he really doesn't have to lie or pretend about not drinking. When I first quit (Jan 2008), I employed a lot of the same kinds of strategies he does with friends to avoid making it obvious that I wasn't going to have a glass (or 5) with them. Now...I just don't drink. Period. Its an even better place to be. If that makes sense.

I also want to comment about alcohol-free beer. I drink it. More or less for the same reason he does. At 7 o'clock its nice to drink something cold and tasty and bitter and refreshing. NA beer can be more interesting than diet coke or iced tea or lemonade. Sometimes. Anyway, I drink it. Funny thing is, NA beer is anathema to most alcoholics. The theory is that the beer taste will trigger real beer craving and then its...off to the races. The beauty of baclofen...another beauty of baclofen...is that you don't have to worry about "relapse" and so, if the NA beer tastes good to you...no problem. Drink it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

ifulovelife2;1524216 wrote: What? Why do you smoke? It's gross and unhealthy. Didn't you know that?

I no longer smoke. I haven't for several weeks. I know what you're thinking: "wow, Murph is awesome!!!". And well yeah, I guess you'd be right.
I'm a knucklehead. My original response sucked. CONGRATULATIONS Murphy! xxooo How'd you do it?

Cassander;1524659 wrote: ... but as part of his new AF life he really doesn't have to lie or pretend about not drinking.

Keep in mind he's a food (and beverage) critic.

I like NA beer, too. It's like soda. But not. Just like it's like beer. But not.

spiritwolf333;1524634 wrote: And NE, I think this is the first article that I have read where the writer uses the word "FIREWATER".

I had never seen that before but thought of you when I read it.

J--I don't really know how to answer since you don't email and I don't PM. But all well. Just keep...You know. :H

Hope it's a good day peeps!

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

Hi Cass -(and progress thread for Ne and me-lol). You are right about the writer. He reminds me of me in my former pre-BAC days. An experience I had a few years ago probably hurt me business wise in longer run -but it was good experience. A group of eight us joined for dinner that evening -we had all been working on the same project. The owner and his rep were there as well. They all ordered this beer tasting lineup and I was the only non-participant. Maybe it was just me, but I did feel a little awkward, especially after they asked four times if I was sure that I did not want to at least try. Today, I would have no problem trying the beer with them. However, the point you bring up is far more important. The ability and confidence to say no -regardless of circumstances, and to not give a rats tail what others think or how they may react. After all, I have got to wake up with me the next am.

I may give the a-free a shot some time. I'm not intimated by it, just have not thought about it.

Thanks NE for the whiteboard.

[MaryGoRound]

Progress thread for ne

bleep;1524022 wrote: When I eventually made it back home, against the odds, I hasten to add, I was in no position to do anything at all, let alone from the hoped for position of strength. It was perhaps made worse by the fact that I had to make a detour, which added a significant length to the run, and at a pace I had definitely not planned on, caused by the presence of a very large black dog, whose owner was nowhere to be seen, and in fact most likely had just been eaten, judging by the size of the hound. I would have thought that having just had a meal, he would have been somewhat lethargic, but there was little evidence of sloth as he ran toward me. As I was just about to lie down on the grass and die anyway when this happened, I was in no condition for the hasty getaway the situation clearly required, and no negotiations appeared possible. Nor was there a tree handy.

:H

Bleep, I got a kick out of the whole story. How clever and funny you are!

I thought about it this morning and I thought :H:H

As far as the AF beer I don't have an opinion but I do know that I must have a diet Pepsi/Coke first thing in the morning! It is a requirement.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I don't mind telling you guys (and the world wide web) that I am freaking out. Actually, I do mind. I'm a little pissed off that I am not zen, that when I get stressed it really does feel like everything is overwhelming and I have no control over my emotions.

I lost my shit at a car dealership yesterday. We kept trying to leave and the salesman kept saying, "Hold on! I'll be right back." I told Ed that I was done. I needed food, we needed to talk, we should just go. And then...It didn't fucking happen. And I stood up and said, "I am going to lose my shit if we don't leave right now and go get some dinner."

Which is really funny, actually. The manager was walking over to seal the deal and he actually turned on his heel and headed back to his office. The salesman was agape. lol. I'm glad I wrote it down. It was funny. Much after the fact Ed and I agreed that when I get to that point, past the point when I want to deal and need some space, he's going to take care of the interference. It honestly felt like he wasn't on my side, wasn't listening to me, and was just...fucking sitting there. I'm still mad about it I guess.

My brother and his family are arriving today and I am very insecure about all of this. I Do Not Want Them Here. WHY? Wtf? What is wrong with me that I really very honestly would rather...just stay here in my home and not leave and not see them? (I'm clear that this--the way I feel--doesn't have to do with them. Why do I feel so badly about myself and my life? It breaks my heart a little bit.)

I guess I'm writing it here because I suppose one of you might relate. Ftr, if I thought for a moment that a drink would make this feeling go away, I'd be drinking. The thought turns my stomach. Which honestly bums me out in a way. You know?

[bleep]

Progress thread for ne

Go and sit on your couch, and don't think about it for a while. There is zen involved in that somewhere, if it makes you feel better. In fact, now that I have seen it there in print, it makes me realise how very zen it is.

If it makes you feel better, run to the couch.

[Cassander]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1525144 wrote: I don't mind telling you guys (and the world wide web) that I am freaking out. Actually, I do mind. I'm a little pissed off that I am not zen, that when I get stressed it really does feel like everything is overwhelming and I have no control over my emotions.

I lost my shit at a car dealership yesterday. ...
I would be more worried about you if you didn't lose your shit at the car dealership...in fact its a test, and you won.

Ne/Neva Eva;1525144 wrote: ...
My brother and his family are arriving today and I am very insecure about all of this. I Do Not Want Them Here. WHY? Wtf? What is wrong with me that I really very honestly would rather...just stay here in my home and not leave and not see them? (I'm clear that this--the way I feel--doesn't have to do with them. Why do I feel so badly about myself and my life? It breaks my heart a little bit.)

I guess I'm writing it here because I suppose one of you might relate. Ftr, if I thought for a moment that a drink would make this feeling go away, I'd be drinking. The thought turns my stomach. Which honestly bums me out in a way. You know?

My wife and I are going to a "cocktail party" tonight. No problem with the cocktail part, its just that we have decided we don't like anyone who will be there and in any event we would be happier just staying home. On further analysis this (our aversion and your aversion) feels like our old friend "anxiety" paying us a little visit. Bleep's right. Time for a little zen. It will turn out fine.

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

Hey Ne -I read this earlier today and could not help but to keep thinking about it. And like Cass said, I would be more worried about you if you did not lose your shit. Next time, have a little fun with them and tell them that you have to be back to jail cell by xm.

I think I remember reading that you have a brother that you have had difficulty with in the past -maybe he does not show you a certain level of respect or even looks down on you? I know what this is like and no longer like being in the same state my brother. The suck ass part of this whole deal is that while I am thinking about him (giving him free rent in my head), he probably does not think about me for two minutes a month. Regardless, I try to keep reminding myself that I can't change a lot of things or people, so I try that acceptance stuff.

A lot of my past drinking was related to Family matters (Father/Brothers). They damn sure were injured from my drinking. You know all this crap NE. I wish you the best. (I like Kronk's path of boundary setting -of which I have much work to do)

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

One other thing NE -you and murph cracked me up with the smoking comments, especially:

Originally Posted by ifulovelife2 View Post
What? Why do you smoke? It's gross and unhealthy. Didn't you know that?

I no longer smoke. I haven't for several weeks. I know what you're thinking: "wow, Murph is awesome!!!". And well yeah, I guess you'd be right.

And NE Replies Back:
I'm a knucklehead. My original response sucked. CONGRATULATIONS Murphy! xxooo How'd you do it?

Just too damn funny!!!!

[MaryGoRound]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1525144 wrote:

My brother and his family are arriving today and I am very insecure about all of this. I Do Not Want Them Here. WHY? Wtf? What is wrong with me that I really very honestly would rather...just stay here in my home and not leave and not see them? (I'm clear that this--the way I feel--doesn't have to do with them. Why do I feel so badly about myself and my life? It breaks my heart a little bit.)

I have the same issues with my family. I don't know where it comes from. I become an insecure child again. It is bizarre! It is not enough to be rational and say, "That's over. We are all adults now. Let's be friends." In my mind that is what is what I want, but clearly a side of me won't let go. The only way I know this is through my actions. In my mind is everything is clear but my actions start becoming disjointed. That is a sign something is wrong.

The only advice (and I am not sure it is sound) is to judge yourself via your actions versus your feelings. In other words, even if a gesture does not feel real do it because it is the right thing to do. Sometime we should give even if "giving" seems the farthest emotion from our mind. Even if the giving is simply being present for the conversation.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks Mary and Spirit, Cass and bleep.

So here's how it all played out: It was fine. Great even. Really amazing to see my niece and nephews. We played games, ate lots of food, had so much fun...

On Saturday morning I was frantically attempting to get everything perfect (god that should be banned from my world) because everyone was coming to dinner at our house. COMPLETE MELTDOWN. Ed and I had a huge real-ish screaming fight (which we never do) and later, as I was sobbing in his arms, I realized that I haven't seen my brother since my life began. That he only knows me as a fuck-up. That what I wanted (want) is for him to know it wasn't my fault and mostly that IT'S ALL DIFFERENT NOW.

Because it is. And he doesn't know any of it. I know he loves me very much, and I just want him to respect and like me, too. Ironically, preparing for his arrival (and judgment!) was the antithesis of who I've become and who I want to be. So be it! I pulled it off. :H

Honestly, for the first time in more than a decade, (maybe ever?) I felt...like he approved. Better than that. The last minute purchase of the perfect outfit helped.

They left this morning, which is great. We're going to visit them next month for a week or so on part of a grand vacation. I think it might be just be a really nice visit.

Cheers, folks.

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for ne

Awesome News NE. Always good to hear when things go better than we expect.