Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I want to point out that Ed (my husband) is only taking 80 mg of baclofen. It seems to me that he drinks in a very unhealthy way, but he doesn't agree. He doesn't want to take more baclofen (who does?!) and he doesn't want to commit to abstinence.

He stopped drinking alcoholically about 6 months after I did, in 2011, at ~320 mg. He's been taking only 80 mg for more than a year now, hence (I believe) the binge drinking episodes. His off switch doesn't work very well anymore. I think he doesn't know this because he doesn't know it's not normal to not drink *all* the things. (Who does?! :H) Except, of course, it's not funny. It's dangerous. And disconcerting. And our bedroom smells like a distillery at the moment, which is really, really unpleasant. I wish he at least had the courtesy to sleep in the guest room I'll address all of this soon-ish. (I think we all know what happens when someone tells us to stop drinking "or else". It creates resentment and secrets and I'm fairly convinced that secrets kill more of us than alcohol does.)

Alright, more than enough from me today and the sun is completely up. I'm out! Peace out!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

A distinct possibility.

[terryk]

Progress thread for ne

Hey Ne, I'm really sorry you're having a rough patch. I don't know what advice I have to offer, except exercise is one of the things that does make me feel better, especially when I can force myself to do it when I have absolutely no motivation. The missus and I powerlift, and only spend about 2 hours in the gym a week doing it. Finding a partner to help remind you to get off your butt and achieve measurable progress each week is key, and this is coming from someone who made more than one suicide pact in his 20's to never, ever set foot in a gym much less left up a stupidly heavy piece of iron over and over again. Racquetball, tennis, bike riding, horseshoes, whatever - find someone you can count on to drag you out and challenge you to make an effort - it helps.

Anyway, :l
-tk

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks, tk. Just what I needed to hear. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I've been at 225 mg for about 6 days. I'm still really bad at taking the pills on a schedule and consistently. I think this makes the transition more difficult. (Taking 75 mg in the morning, and 150 mg right before bed, for instance.)

I think I'm feeling better, but I'm still completely unmotivated on most days. It's a drag. I've only got a month before school starts again, and frankly it would be a waste of time to enroll if I'm still depressed. I know myself well enough to know that sitting down to study technical stuff is antithetical to getting well and being depressed makes it difficult to focus on one thing for long. It's a quandary.

Part two of plan is exercise. I wanted to take the medication for a week before implementing any lifestyle changes. There isn't any reason for me to take gobs of baclofen if it doesn't help me chemically, right?

I tried to have a glass of wine last night. I took a sip and almost threw up. Seriously. This medication treats alcoholism, for sure. Amazing result when you think about it. (And so damn frustrating that the researchers don't see an application for HDB! If they only knew...)

I also have trouble sleeping and it always seemed to me that baclofen exacerbates this problem. Well, I am rethinking that now. Our 3 month old puppy sleeps with us. She won't settle down until lights are out, and this includes the kindle and the phone lights. As soon as lights are out, she konks out. Guess who else goes right to sleep when the lights are completely out? Me. I've also been taking benadryl for allergies so I sleep through the night, but the lack of distraction is now rule #1 in this household.

Hope it's a good day!

[Lostinspace]

Progress thread for ne

Ne - Don't worry too much about feeling unmotivated for the moment. I know for me, that whenever I went through a prolonged period of depression, I always started to feel better emotionally long before my motivation returned.

When you've been in a slump for a long time, it can be really overwhelming to contemplate jumping back into all the things you used to do. Just start small - go for a walk, read a little bit of a book, maybe cook a nice meal for yourself. You might be amazed, by making small changes, how much different you'll feel in a month from now.

Just take it easy on yourself. I hope things continue to look up for you. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks, Lostinspace**. That is very sound advice and just what I'm *trying* to do. It's hardest when expectations are out of line with actual goals, isn't it? Progress not perfection and all that jazz...
The last two days have been remarkably good, actually. Productive in the right ways, without being overwhelming. It helps that Ed's around. (Though that is a bit sticky, still.) It's nice to have him here.

Anyway...Back to cleaning and organizing closets and such. Thanks for checking in here.

**I haven't come up with a way to shorten your name that doesn't distract me. I can't call you Lost. We already have a "Space". And I was confused as hell when I kept seeing Lis. ha!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I'm definitely feeling much better. The main indication is that I'm doing the stuff I don't want to take care of and put off until the very last minute. Or longer. Including reaching out to friends again. It's a huge step.

I'll stay at 225 mg for the foreseeable future. I'm also going back to the basics (as Lostinspace pointed out) with exercise and meditation, which I let slide until I finally stopped doing them. Fortunately, I know it works when I can do it, and that's pretty motivating!

Peace out, peeps. Hope it's a good day!

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

Exercise isn't as bad as everyone makes it sound! It sucks, for sure, but it's not the end of the world. It just takes about an hour or so out of your day or evening or whenever the hell. Start small and just be a little more active - and there's plenty of time to think if that's your thing or also plenty of time to zone the f**k right out of your head if that's more your speed. That's what does it for me - military cadences chanting in the headphones and almost no thinking whatsoever. I was going to drink last night. I went out in the evening for the last day of catsitting for my friend, planned on stopping at the bar after. Couldn't find a place to park where I could leave my car overnight by the bar, so came home. Put the 2 tallboy beers I'd moved into the closet back into the fridge, and was certain I'd get to them when they were cold. But then the girl started cleaning the kitchen sink and all the vertical blinds, so I threw workout clothes on and went for a jog. Just a mite shy of 3 miles, same neighborhood hills, same route as the night before except a little jaunt up an extra hill, and all in the same time it took for 2 1/2 miles the night before. Lots less walking. Got home and took a cold bath and then we both went to bed.

Exercise does ruin everything good in this world though, there's no doubt. Jogged past a Little Ceasar's and this was the first time their pizza smelled just godawful. :upset:

:l:l

[Lostinspace]

Progress thread for ne

That's great Ne! Reaching out to friends is a huge step. I'm so happy to hear you sounding so much better. And getting around to doing things before they become a catastrophe? All the much better. It makes peace of mind so much easier when things aren't piling up. I hope things keep looking up for you :l

And Stuck - that's awesome that you not only didn't drink, but beat your mileage/time from the day before. And don't worry about Little Caesar's not smelling good. You just have to go to New York. We have the greatest pizza anywhere (not that I'm biased or anything). Although, I no longer live near the city (and have since edited my post out of paranoia that people will figure out who I am based on the region I said I live in). Anyway, hope you're having a good night! (I would give you a hug, but my iPhone doesn't seem to let me when I'm in edit mode - it's there in spirit, though).

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

Hey - at least it's not every single day that the cravings are overwhelming. I'll be around a bit later. But wanted to say that for now. Progress. Progress. And :l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Thanks, guys. It was a huge step! Both in that I wanted to do it and the fact that I actually did it. I went out with my aunt's women's group on Tuesday and a friend came over for coffee yesterday morning.

But honestly, it feels like it's a little much right now. Add to it that I'm clearing up the stuff I've been procrastinating for months, gearing up for school, and finishing up projects I started at the beginning of the summer, and I'm feeling overwhelmed! It was nice to hang out but not what I'd call comfortable or fun.

And today I'm heading to my parent's house for the night, then Ed's mom's tomorrow for the weekend. The disruption in routine isn't necessarily a good thing. I've already decided that I'm going to come back a day early (on Saturday) because the prospect of 4 whole days away from home is daunting. It's weird.

Despite all of my discomfort, despite the fact that I can recall that the way I feel was why I drank, the bottle still doesn't call to me. Since going up, the thought of drinking anything is actually nauseating. That's weirder than anything else, ever. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

Hope it's a good day for everyone. I don't know if I'll be around for the next couple of days, as other people don't seem to think that WiFi is an absolute necessity! (pffft.)

Bleep, if you stop by, WHAT HAPPENED? How was the trip??? Obviously you didn't get attacked by polar bears...Did anything exciting happen?

xo

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

4 days away and out of the routine - that sounds all too familiar. I'm heading to Denver this evening for a weekend get-together with old college friends. Be back Monday night. It will be fun and cool to see stuff, I've never been there before or been in the mountains really, but 4 days when I've got all this stuff to do here and I can only seem to string a couple AF days together at a time, well it *is* overwhelming.

Glad to hear you decided to go ahead and do school this fall. That's a huge step and it'll suck nuts but when it's done you'll be so glad you didn't skip a semester and got this done. Big hugs.

[Lostinspace]

Progress thread for ne

That's great that you're getting involved in so many more things, Ne. But I can understand feeling overwhelmed. You're making a lot of positive changes all at once, which is good, but it's ok to back off for a little while to catch your breath. Baby steps.

And it likely won't be comfortable or fun for a little while to get out and meet up with other people - you're out of practice. The fun will start to come back as you keep doing it.

Coming back a day early is probably a good compromise. You're still making the rounds to see family, but respecting your need to have some down time.

And ditto what Stuck said - that's great to hear that you decided to go back to school in the fall! It'll always be rough to get through, but you'll be so glad to have it behind you, sooner rather than later, once you're done. I hope you have a great weekend! :l

Stuck - Have a great mini-vacation in Denver! I hope you can keep the work you need to get done at home out of your mind and just enjoy yourself. There will be plenty of time to stress yourself silly when you get back and :l

[StuckinLA]

Progress thread for ne

Oh, school starts in the fall for all of us!!! :upset: I keep forgetting that I have to teach this semester. Ugh. The bright doe-eyed excited young freshmen and freshgirls . I have so, so, so much to do. Not sure why I've been drinking all day, to be honest, but finally just a few minutes ago got a buzz and got back to that happy place where things all seem OK. Going to get in the car and head to the airport here in a few minutes, I believe (the girl is driving). She's been playing video games this afternoon, while I've been drinking and taking pictures of my cats.

I have done zero work on my dissertation in the last couple days. But I have revised part of my chapter that I did last semester and now it is almost ready to submit to a journal as an article. Almost. Fuck, so close. 7,000 words and still not quite saying what I wanted to say. Anyway, will be ready to submit it when I get back and then back to the third chapter and I guess at some point I'll find time to work on my novel again.

Peace out, peeps. Lis you're doing awesome. Ne, keep being you. I just love everybody and the world is good at heart except for the shit going down in Israel and Ukraine and I can't help any of it but it keeps me up at night. Torn between this love for everything and fuck everything, so I'll have another shot and be fine. :l:l:l