Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thinking of you, Stuck. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Otter]

Not running, Otter. There will ALWAYS be trolls here. And you're right, in some ways it used to be worse. Much worse. Carl can't even hold a candle to Bluto when he lost his mind, and then there was the other guy who had 3 or more usernames and actually threatened me via PM. He was truly insane. Still, not running then or now or ever. Hell, we've outlasted 'em all. :welldone:

I envision that some day we will have a community like the one in France. It may take years, but I want there to be one so it can happen, should it come to that. I'm not suggesting that we could be so lucky, or that I, personally, am going to be the one to make that happen. Still...At least there should be the opportunity. ("If you build it, they will come.") Evan was on the right path until...He took the wrong track.



(EDIT: I bought new clothes in a size I've never seen before in my closet. Wish I had your fortitude/motivation. It would have saved me some cash, too. And drinking is in itself fucking expensive. Back to the point of the post...)

Thank you so much. I read this and that sat with it churning around in my noggin for awhile and had a Eureka moment.

I don't think I'm ready. I could keep taking baclofen, go up and up and up and indifference would eventually happen. But the truth is, (I think the truth is), I'm just not ready yet. That's embarrassing to admit. Especially since I'm such a huge advocate for baclofen and for sobriety...

Things aren't terrible around here. I am not losing days to the booze, or at least not very often. Perhaps things just aren't bad enough, you know? And frankly, my life (as my therapist puts it) is a chaos magnet at the moment. Opting out of life for a year or 18 months because of depression/anxiety has left me a whole lot of messes to clean up now that I'm better. And my drinking, while I hate it, doesn't leave me hungover or miserable. It is...contained, for lack of a better word.

So thank you very much for your insight. I'll continue to mull it over. In the meantime, I'm going to go back down to about 300mg and continue to work on getting things in life a little less chaotic and a little more zen. Also, I'd like to be...ready to be sober again. I'm not sure why I'm not now, but it's very important that I know that truth now. Indifference will soon follow, I think.

And this, my friends, is why I wish we had our own forum. Because I guarantee you that by admitting this I am going to face a rash of scorn and a visit from a troll. <sigh> But my truth stands on it's own. I won't lie and I won't lie down. But because I feel it's necessary I'm going to go ahead and say this for the umpteenth time <heavy, heavy sigh>:

I do not condone drinking. I do not think it's okay for me to continue to drink. My goal is to be contentedly sober. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you. (And you're welcome Otter. :hug: I can't stop listening to that song.)

I had never heard the song before. I am a bit of a cold fish but that brought tears to my eyes. Let's get through this.:hug:

This can be a good place again.

[Spiritfree]

This is a 'good' place now if we can find a way not to be offended when others post information that disrupts and disturbs our own personal ideals. Just a thought.

[Otter]

This is a 'good' place now if we can find a way not to be offended when others post information that disrupts and disturbs our own personal ideals. Just a thought.

One way is for those people who post disturbing thoughts to listen and learn, then stop posting disturbing things. It's called 'good manners". Its also about understanding that people here have real anxiety disorders, are on a real treatment for anxiety and that this place is the only place to share thoughts about this treatment and the condition. You can't come here and spout off, upset people and then blame them for what you are doing to them.

Just a thought.

[dundrinkn]

Ne,
I totally get the not being ready. I have that problem on and off. Where I just want to drink and things aren't that bad so why the hell not. For me the Bac keeps me from letting things get too bad. So I understand. And support your doing whatever it is that you need to do right now.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thanks, Dun.

Oh, the irony. I had my first beer around noon yesterday. Never finished it. Drank a total of 3 all day.

We'll see.

Truth is I really, really hate booze.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oh! And today is my first day in the ED! I'm SO SO SO excited and nervous. I hope it's crazy busy and also not too busy. Or gross. But gross enough to be interesting.

xxoo

[Molly78]

Ne, I hope your first day in the ED lives up to expectations!

I also understand about not being ready to stop drinking. For me, that has been about changing a lifestyle established over 3 decades - work hard, then treat yourself to a drink as a reward! I have had real difficulty getting past this. I was at 75mg for ages, thought I was indifferent, but I was still looking forward to that first drink when I got home in the evening. I could usually resist the urge with the help of baclofen but not always, & have had a sort of routine where I "allow" myself a limited number of units 3 days a week.

Well, this hasn't been working. Too much dwelling on how long til drinking day, having to buy tiny bottles of spirit with only 4 units in to prevent myself going over the limit. So I went up to 100mg. Still the same. This last week 150mg & I think I'm there . Blip last night when I forgot to take lunchtime dose & had about 7 units - mind you, that was less than my daily intake every day before bac.

Getting somnolence & that tinnitus type thing, but I know these will go if I persevere.

So I wonder - perhaps I hadn't really "hit the switch" at all, was just managing to resist with the help of bac. Apart from yesterday, all of last week I drove past the off license without even being tempted. So my story is ongoing.

I love your posts, Ne. They are always very insightful. Ditto Stevo, knobert, Terryk & several others. And I'm finding this forum helpful again now that the troll has been outed & some new people have joined.

[Stevo]

It was so nice to read that Molly.

[Lostinspace]

Ne - Sorry I didn’t see this sooner. I also want to echo what others have said. There’s no shame in not being ready. I know that was at least part of the reason why I stayed stuck, refusing to go higher in dose, for such a long, long time. On the one hand, I was afraid that I would keep going up in dose and bac wouldn’t help me any more than it already had - that the blessed state of indifference would never come. But on the other hand, I was afraid it would work. I was really afraid to give up the small amount of booze I was still buying each night. I looked forward to that little respite from life each night, I was happy with the huge progress I had already made, and didn’t see any rush to move forward. You’ll be ready when you’re ready, too. We all have our own unique journey for how we get there.

[Otter]

bump

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I'm too tired to post anything but a quick thanks. And tomorrow is more of the same so I don't expect to be back until Monday, which is also a busy day. Oy!

I had a great day in the ER today, and very much looking forward to another one tomorrow. Even though my whole body aches and I'm exhaaaaausted.

Much hugs.

[Son_of_Fred_the_Cat]

Ne,

Out of curiosity, do you do rotating 12 hour shifts at your job? I had that for a stint about 10 years ago, and for reasons I can only realize and appreciate now, it allowed some pretty amazing things to happen.

PM me if you want to catch up.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

They are 12 hour shifts, but not rotating. I'm too old for that nonsense. I do want to catch up, too! But PMs are the bane of my communication skills. We'll touch base soon. We have a lot to talk about. Reddit included. I really want to get involved there.

Thanks for stopping by. My brain functioning at the moment is stuck at it's baseline and as soon as I come down from the high of busting my butt at work all day, I will be very soundly asleep. Which makes for a very good day for a Ne.

[Spiritfree]

Ne, I hope your first day in the ED lives up to expectations!

I also understand about not being ready to stop drinking. For me, that has been about changing a lifestyle established over 3 decades - work hard, then treat yourself to a drink as a reward! I have had real difficulty getting past this. I was at 75mg for ages, thought I was indifferent, but I was still looking forward to that first drink when I got home in the evening. I could usually resist the urge with the help of baclofen but not always, & have had a sort of routine where I "allow" myself a limited number of units 3 days a week.

Well, this hasn't been working. Too much dwelling on how long til drinking day, having to buy tiny bottles of spirit with only 4 units in to prevent myself going over the limit. So I went up to 100mg. Still the same. This last week 150mg & I think I'm there . Blip last night when I forgot to take lunchtime dose & had about 7 units - mind you, that was less than my daily intake every day before bac.

Getting somnolence & that tinnitus type thing, but I know these will go if I persevere.

So I wonder - perhaps I hadn't really "hit the switch" at all, was just managing to resist with the help of bac. Apart from yesterday, all of last week I drove past the off license without even being tempted. So my story is ongoing.

I love your posts, Ne. They are always very insightful. Ditto Stevo, knobert, Terryk & several others. And I'm finding this forum helpful again now that the troll has been outed & some new people have joined.

Thanks Molly78 -
I will continue to ask one question until my account is soon (hopefully) deleted in its entirety:

Is it legal in the United States to purchase prescription medications without a prescription? Does it depend on the type of drug?
Hopefully, TK can jump in and shed light to this question. I think that it is important for anyone to know if he/she is breaking the law by ordering scrip meds without a scrip.
If we work in the medical field, and it is illegal to purchase scrip meds without a prescription, does it then become a more serious legal matter?
Thank you so much molly for the reminder.