bac diary

[Isolde]

bac diary

LOL @ the Mt. Dew comment! I think that was Phoenix Rising, whom I haven't seen around in awhile! I actually succumbed to Diet Mt. Dew yesterday afternoon at work. I was getting jaw splitting yawns and just couldn't stomach the idea of more coffee. The Mt. Dew made my teeth feel yucky and didn't really help. I was going out after work and didn't want to be dead tired, so I stopped off at Starbucks and got a triple espresso before heading out!

The sleepiness is really hard to deal with. And the dose that I'm at now keeps me from sleeping really deeply. Higher than where I'm at now and I have KILLER insomnia. A little bit lower and I sleep great, but I get some cravings creeping back in. I can deal with the tossing and turning for now and will sometimes take half a xanax before bed if I really need to sleep. Better than drinking!

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Day 8: I took an extra 20mg pill last night on a whim and voila!--I slept well, and for a good amount of time (almost 9 hours). Plus, I didn't wake up with the horrible anxiety like I usually do. I feel much calmer today. THAT is welcome news!

[Isolde]

bac diary

seeking_serenity;1027335 wrote: Day 8: I took an extra 20mg pill last night on a whim and voila!--I slept well, and for a decent amount of time (almost 9 hours). Plus, I didn't wake up with the horrible anxiety like I usually do. I feel much calmer today. THAT is welcome news!

:goodjob:
Great to hear!! I know you've been waiting for that great night's sleep! It's awesome, isn't it? Glad you acted on the whim!

[Sunnyvalenting]

bac diary

SS
You are on your way! Great to hear
S

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Thanks, my dear friends! One of the most pressing issues to me (besides the AL, of course) was my inability to be calm, or to sleep well (or to sleep for any significant amount of time, for that matter). I figured that as soon as I could get the calm and the sleep, my life would become tolerable. The obsession/addiction to AL would come in due time, and I could have a little patience for that.

I'm happy to report that I am noticeably calmer. And if last night was any indication, I can finally sleep better as well. The only thing I have yet to conquer is the goddamned AL. But having the calm and the sleep is so reassuring at this point. I'm positive that the indifference to AL isn't far away.

I hope you all are having a wonderful day! And happy holidays

[Arbat1991]

bac diary

I am really encouraged hear that success story so far... I am starting BAC treatment on Monday.
Anybody knows , once the "swich" is reached, can it be a way out of BAC?
I am terrified of the thought to take BAc forever in high doses...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

bac diary

Good for you, Serenity. For me, the sleep and cessation of anxiety started around 120. It was a gift. Alas, the quality of sleep is no longer very good, even though I'm still sleeping at least 5 hours a night...
Arbat, not to be flippant, but a lifetime of bac is WAY better than a lifetime of booze. I don't think anyone knows what the long term has in store in terms of taking bac. There are several people here that have tapered down to nothing, or next to nothing. But with the way I've got it, I think I will be purchasing this little generic drug for many, many years.
Yay, for you, that you're starting bac on Mon. You won't regret it. Keep us posted, will you?

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Day 11: something is definitely going on in my brain! Something very positive.

First off: while drinking my usual amount of AL last night, I thought (several times, in fact): "Why am I drinking this? I don't even want it." It felt like I was forcing the last two drinks down. I was nauseous, & almost puked. I should have just thrown them out. The addict in my brain was insisting that I drink them, whether they made me sick or not. However, I'm also feeling like that addict is hitting its tipping point. Something has changed.

Maybe I'll still drink tonight, maybe not. But there is definitely a shift going on in my brain's wiring.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

bac diary

I think there is something to that emotional SE, maybe. Then again it's a pretty emotional journey. I think people become decidedly more mellow and less fraught after the switch. Just an observation.
Sorry it was a lousy day.

[Sunnyvalenting]

bac diary

My suggestion:
Go AF for a week and see how you feel. You can always pick up again if that is your choice. Why delay any longer? You now have a choice that you didn't have before.
Sunny

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Thanks Sunny. I haven't gotten to that point quite yet. I would like to start the new year AF, but I am still drinking. I am glad that the BAC is starting to affect me, so I'm definitely thankful for that.

I should add that last night I slept for almost 11 hours. I also had the CRAZIEST dreams! They weren't violent or disturbing, but they WERE star-studded and, in retrospect, hilarious! The dream ended with me helping a goat give birth to twins while in the detox ward...? wtf?-- but her birth canal was on her chest. What the EFF could that possibly symbolize? lol.

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

neva eva;1028681 wrote: I think there is something to that emotional SE, maybe. Then again it's a pretty emotional journey. I think people become decidedly more mellow and less fraught after the switch. Just an observation.
Sorry it was a lousy day.

Thanks to you as well, neva! I've found that I've reined in my emotions a lot in the last few years. I have tended to avoid situations that made me emotional. Yesterday I felt like I was "in touch" with my emotions for the first time in years. I don't think the BAC could have prevented me from feeling the way I did...and I'm GLAD it doesn't mask those feelings. I think AL does a pretty good job of keeping me from feeling anything.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

bac diary

I dreamt once that Arnold Schwarzennager was leaning over me demanding my bac! Can't imagine what the birth canal thing is, but I'll probably spend all day analyzing it! :H

I feel the same way about the numbness, and atm really crave it. But I think there is something to bac enhancing emotions based on some comments the good dr. made about a study concerning autism and empathy, and also the recent posts by Otter. And my own experience of course.
Even when I feel sedated because of the baclofen I also feel like I'm in tune with the world around me. It's an oxymoron, I know, but my life is full of them and it may just be one of the ones that I find is bull sh* as time goes on. I won't know until I know... ha. Retrospect is a bit difficult atm. Insight is rather painful.

Hope it's a good day!

[Isolde]

bac diary

seeking_serenity;1028962 wrote:
I should add that last night I slept for almost 11 hours--very welcome after an emotional day. I also had the CRAZIEST dreams! They weren't violent or disturbing, but they WERE star-studded and, in retrospect, hilarious! One of them involved playing a sort of Survivor All-Stars game (I was pretty stoked that Ozzy was on my side), but get this: this version of Survivor was played in a detox unit! It was like no detox ward I've ever seen (and I'm pretty familiar with the inside of a detox ward), but those were our conditions. And the dream ended with me helping a goat give birth to twins (while still in the detox ward...? wtf?), but her birth canal was on her chest. What the EFF could that possibly symbolize? lol.

:H That really made me laugh out loud! Good thing not too many people in the office today!!

Glad that you're finally getting that restorative deep sleep!

[Isolde]

bac diary

seeking_serenity;1028962 wrote:
I should add that last night I slept for almost 11 hours--very welcome after an emotional day. I also had the CRAZIEST dreams! They weren't violent or disturbing, but they WERE star-studded and, in retrospect, hilarious! One of them involved playing a sort of Survivor All-Stars game (I was pretty stoked that Ozzy was on my side), but get this: this version of Survivor was played in a detox unit! It was like no detox ward I've ever seen (and I'm pretty familiar with the inside of a detox ward), but those were our conditions. And the dream ended with me helping a goat give birth to twins (while still in the detox ward...? wtf?), but her birth canal was on her chest. What the EFF could that possibly symbolize? lol.

:H That really made me laugh out loud! Good thing not too many people in the office today!!

Glad that you're finally getting that restorative deep sleep!

I hear you both on the emotions. Especially ne - I find myself oddly disconnected and in tune all at the same time. I'm finding myself very analytical of my emotions. I seem to do best when I just let myself feel them, instead of trying to find a way to chase them out. Guess I'm so used to numbing them that chasing them out just seems natural.
I've gone from feeling really high on life the past couple of weeks to down in the dumps overnight and am struggling to deal with the 180 degree shift.