bac diary

[Grommet]

bac diary

SS, you will get there. Your motivation comes right out of your posts. Hang in there, your dogs, cat and all of us are with you!

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Thanks guys. I had a bit of a pity party for myself last night. I actually had a very uplifting conversation with the good doctor yesterday! He is so f'ing funny and just a delightful man to talk to. By the end of the night, though, after 6 drinks I was feeling pretty damn low. The guilt and shame are constant, lingering problems that I'll have to deal with at some point.

:h and :l to all!

[Bruunhilde]

bac diary

SS, I did the same damn thing yesterday, apologized to my poor dog, he's a single dog child now and its up to me to fill in his days and nights. Suffice to say that working all day and coach-potatoing all night with a glass of wine doesn't do him any good. I'd walk him today if the bac buzz was more manageable. I hate it! For now, he and I both have to use the treadmill here....

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Just an update: I just went out and picked up a new prescription for Bac. At Walgreens, once you pay $20 to join their "generic prescription club," you can get dirt-cheap prescriptions. Case in point: 336 10mg Bac pills for less than $15! That's about 4 cents a pill. w00t!

Then I went to Gold's Gym and signed up for a membership! Holy shit, it really IS only $10/month. And they have TONS of stuff there! Very impressed. I'm going to try to start going @4x a week.

Then I used a gift card I got for Christmas to buy myself some pretty shoes. Just because I felt like buying something pretty for myself.

I also made a phone call today that I've been dreading for a while. Like most things I dread, it ended up being no big deal--turned out quite positive, actually.

So I'm feeling better today. Still wish I could go AF sooner, but with my drinking history I guess I should just buckle in for the long haul. That's OK. The Bac is very much like a powerful antidepressant at the dose I'm taking, and I like the way I feel most of the time.

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Fletch, sorry to hear you're not digging the Bac buzz so much! I'm loving mine right now. I feel pleasantly stoned all day. Things don't seem to bother me as much as they used to. I used to be a big pile of raw nerves. Bac helps with that.

I hear you re: the doggie guilt! They love me so much and don't understand why I'm always glued to the computer with a drink in hand in the evenings. Every time I look at their pleading eyes I die a little inside. One more reason that being AF will be so much better. More time for the pups!

You got yours to use the treadmill? Lucky you! I can't imagine either of mine using my treadmill. (Or me, for that matter. Used mine probably twice in the 5 years I've had it!)

Hope you feel better with the Bac soon. Hang in there, it gets better!:l :h

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Well, here we go with an update.

Dreams: my dreams have gotten CRAZY, and like Neva Eva's, I have a hard time distinguishing them from real life sometimes. I've woken up in a panic, worried about a snarky comment I'd made earlier. I looked everywhere, then found the thread and deleted it. The next morning, I looked everywhere, including scanning every page in my history for two days. It never happened, even the "waking up and deleting the thread" part. Super weird.

Almost all of my dreams involve AL. Rehab, detox units, bars, guilt/shame from family, etc. I attribute this to my almost all-consuming focus on AL lately. I dreamed that I traveled to Iran with family members (yeah, Iran) and we went to a bar. A woman at the bar gave me a really judgmental look and asked, "Are you an alcoholic?"

"Yes," I answered, and looked at her and her friends as they gave me the most shocked, judgmental looks. "It's OK," I said, "I'm on a medication that is making it all better."

Of course, the rest of the dream turned into a clusterfuck of bad decisions, shame and guilt, but I was glad that I acknowledged Bac in the dream.

The good dr. mentioned to me that my cerebellum, which he described as taking up about 10% of our brain space but that includes the majority of the active brain cells, is quietly "watching" the activity with the Bac. It isn't stepping in to "comment," it is just watching what's going on. I suspect that that dream was a message from my cerebellum. But who knows...

I've started experiencing some mania and insomnia as of last night. I didn't fall asleep until 2 a.m. (unheard of for me) and I only got about 4 hours total of sleep. That is pretty unacceptable to me, as I freaking TREASURE my sleep time. I love sleep more than life itself. Nothing feels better to me than a good 10 hours of deep sleep. So it's a little frustrating when I'm getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night and waking up every 1-2 hours.

Severe dehydration and skin dryness is also a frustration, but it's tolerable. I just drink water or iced tea all day. I had quit drinking coffee months ago, because the anxiety was already too much for me. Sometimes I do consider having a cup midday just to deal with the sleepiness.

I am very motivated to go AL free now that the insomnia is rearing its ugly head. I hate sitting up at night more than anything. I'd like to give my brain a chance to make the decision sans alcohol, so I am considering going AL-free from Monday-Thursday this week (with a promise to my addicted brain that I can have AL on the weekend), just to see if I can go without it for a while. Maybe that will help me hit the switch. I find wine to be intolerable, but I can still drink beer. Considering giving that up for just a few days. I hope I can do it. The way I see it, the pain from a few days of white-knuckling would be less painful than the horrible insomnia. This will be an experiment.

Anyway, just thought I'd update you on my progress. I really felt the switch coming at around 120/day, but when I approached 150/day I started not sleeping. That is not good. I want to stay feeling the 120/day euphoria. I really liked that.

Peace! --SS

[bleep69]

bac diary

Good luck with your experiment serenity. I have decided to do something similar, but I'm only aiming for 2 days. I hear you on the thirst front, I am drinking an insane amount of water. Enough to make me feel ill! It is, funnily enough, very similar to that insatiable thirst that a grade A hangover produces...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

bac diary

Sere (I can't call you SS, ftr. ha. Words being all powerful. Then again maybe channeling the gestapo to oust the booze is not so bad? Except for the connotation. I digress...)

Fantastic post. So much food for thought.
I fecking love the good doctor and hang on his every word. Makes me want to call him to chat. Anyway, very interesting about the cerebellum. It makes intuitive sense to me.

The dreams? Someone suggested to me it's the bac/booze combo. v. surreal, huh? I can't imagine what it's like to be unable to tell 'truth' from 'mind-speak' all the time. Poor people. LOVE your Iran dream. Fuck 'em. The shame related to booze is on it's way out.
(Bummer about the 120, btw. I'm with you. If only that were the goal.)

I think almost all of my SEs are related to hangovers/withdrawal/insomnia/blood pressure fluctuations. In that order. From forgetfulness to headaches to bloat. (egad my belly feels HUGE!)
The insomnia/fatigue must be pro-actively managed, I think. ("guard your sleep." ~lo0p) What is (sort of) working for me is that I STAY IN BED! (and evaluate what I was thinking when I wake.)
I was a one cup of coffee/day person. Now I drink it at my sleepiest witching hours--late morning/late afternon. Not coincidentally, just prior to my next dose, ftr. I'm definitely going to explore other options, but not meds or supps atm. (No doz? Coke definitely works wonders, and I quit soda years ago.)
My skin is very soft, from liberal cream application/oily baths. But it still hurts. (And bruises/cuts very easily, Is.)
I think the abstinence is a really, really good idea. Maybe we can chat and commiserate tonight? ha. No guarantees, but there is no booze in the house. (poured out last night's substantial left overs this morning.)
Thanks so much for the update.
koko and jttdp. lol

[Seethepony]

bac diary

I like the Iranian pub-crawl dream. Last dream I had, it was the sad news that Elton John had recently passed away. Which was a fairly meaningless dream for me, cos I'm not even a vague Elton John fan. (Though I suppose it came about as Elton had been in the British newspapers a lot recently as he's about to become a mum. Or dad. Or something.)

Sleep! What torturous times these are! Since my wife now has the flu, I have to look after our little girl 100% of the time at the moment. Zonked ain't the word. I don't know how single mothers/fathers do it. Last night she woke at 3.30 and I had to read Winnie the Pooh stories to her until 5.00 before she finally nodded off again.... I think I'll stop writing now and have a nap... oh, I can't. The little one's awakened from her midday nap.

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

bleep69;1042978 wrote: Good luck with your experiment serenity. I have decided to do something similar, but I'm only aiming for 2 days. I hear you on the thirst front, I am drinking an insane amount of water. Enough to make me feel ill! It is, funnily enough, very similar to that insatiable thirst that a grade A hangover produces...
Thanks! Good luck to you as well. If I can "only" get two days of sobriety in, I'll still think of it as a successful experiment.

neva eva;1043052 wrote: Sere (I can't call you SS, ftr. ha. Words being all powerful. Then again maybe channeling the gestapo to oust the booze is not so bad? Except for the connotation. I digress...)I am going to change my username soon. Not because of the SS thing (which I hadn't even thought about! :/ ) but because it's just so...generic. I'm trying to come up with something more fun, catchy, "real," etc.

neva eva;1043052 wrote:
I think the abstinence is a really, really good idea. Maybe we can chat and commiserate tonight? ha. No guarantees, but there is no booze in the house. (poured out last night's substantial left overs this morning.)

Awesome re: pouring out last night's drinks! I have found that I drink FAR less if I don't keep any extra booze in the house. i.e. I will purchase a 6-pack in the evening for that night only; if I bought a case of beer I would keep drinking until I pass out.

The abstinence thing will be an experiment. Might not make it the whole time, but even a day or two of sobriety might give me a better idea of where I stand with the Bac.

Definitely will be up for a chat later tonight! I'll be out of town during the day but should be back this evening. Hugs! :l

Seethepony;1043085 wrote: Sleep! What torturous times these are! Since my wife now has the flu, I have to look after our little girl 100% of the time at the moment. Zonked ain't the word. I don't know how single mothers/fathers do it. Last night she woke at 3.30 and I had to read Winnie the Pooh stories to her until 5.00 before she finally nodded off again.... I think I'll stop writing now and have a nap... oh, I can't. The little one's awakened from her midday nap.

Oh, you poor thing! As much as a blessing as children are, they certainly don't let parents sleep much, do they? I guess I shouldn't be complaining! :happyheart:

Thanks for your support, all of you! It really does mean a lot to me.:h

[taw]

bac diary

hey S!!!

I will join you on your AF challenge starting tomorrow....too late for today! What dose are you on now?

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

taw;1043260 wrote: hey S!!!

I will join you on your AF challenge starting tomorrow....too late for today! What dose are you on now?

Dear Taw, I am taking @130-150 mgs/day at the moment. I had a couple of bad/off days, but I woke up this morning feeling pretty damned good about myself. In fact, EVERYTHING feels good. I had to drive out of town for a family thing today, and all I could think during the drive was: "Damn, I feel good." I didn't want the good feelings to stop! This stuff is like the most potent antidepressant in the world. No antidepressant I've ever taken has made me feel THIS good, ever!

It did take a couple of days for this good feeling to hit me. It's worth it to let the Bac work!

I should also mention something else that hit me today. I was driving when the song "Other Side" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers came on the radio. That song is gorgeous and also depressing...it is about addiction and suicide. It used to be my suicidal theme song:

How long, how long will I slide?...I've gotta take it on the other side (other side meaning death, "it" meaning heroin)

Every time I heard this beautiful song before the Bac revelation, I felt hopeless and resigned. The song was about my imminent death. Now I hear it and I feel HOPEFUL. My "slide" is ending! And I don't have to wait until the grave to see an end to this madness. I can't tell you how much that means to me. Suddenly, my hopeless slide is screeching to a halt. And I couldn't be more grateful. :h

[Lo0p]

bac diary

seeking_serenity;1042936 wrote: The good dr. mentioned to me that my cerebellum, which he described as taking up about 10% of our brain space but that includes the majority of the active brain cells, is quietly "watching" the activity with the Bac. It isn't stepping in to "comment," it is just watching what's going on. I suspect that that dream was a message from my cerebellum. But who knows...

Is there any way that you can elaborate on this? Is that all he said on this particular topic? WTF did he mean by this?

[bleep69]

bac diary

Seeking, that's great news, an inspiring post, thanks.

Never knew that song was about that, need to go and re-listen to it now...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

bac diary

Serenity, I love your name. At least it isn't stupid and negative!
Whatever. The login name doesn't matter in the scheme of things. The baclofen does.

seeking_serenity;1043567 wrote: It did take a couple of days for this good feeling to hit me. It's worth it to let the Bac work!
I completely agree. The first 24-36 hours are uncomfortable for me. Following that it feels like I'm normal, and stronger, and brighter, and have more clarity. At EVERY level, if I give it the chance to work.

seeking_serenity;1043567 wrote: Suddenly, my hopeless slide is screeching to a halt. And I couldn't be more grateful. :h

I know. I know. I know. there aren't words. Love you.

It's interesting to me how engaged I am with music atm. That particular song makes me sick. For the reasons you describe so well. I haven't been able to listen to RHCP for years, not that there has been much reason to listen in the last decade or so! :H

I've moved on from torch songs and odes to addiction. Still pretty engaged in angry missives, though. lol
Hope last night went well, but rest assured, it doesn't matter. What matters is sticking to the schedule, having a plan and letting the medicine do it's job.
And a well placed call to the good doctor helps immeasurably!
:h