bac diary

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

lo0p--sorry! One side effect of Bac (that I experience daily) is inarticulateness. Is that a word? I find it hard to get my thoughts out, and they often come out disjointed and confusing.

That comment did indeed come out of a long discussion we had re: the cerebellum. The good dr. is very interested in the cerebellum, & has even written books on it (Emotion and the Psychodynamics of the Cerebellum, Fred M. Levin, (9781855755772) Paperback - Barnes & Noble). I wish I'd written down our conversation, since he (unlike me atm! ) is extraordinarily articulate. Basically, he said that the cerebellum is watching, taking notes, and learning from the whole bac experience. It is watching, with interest, what is happening as those addictive bonds (GABA/BDNFs) are broken. It is reformulating my whole worldview, and will use that knowledge it has gained to help me move forward. He stated that once those bonds are destroyed, my brain will go into an active recovery mode, creating new brain cells and fixing the AL-related damage/thought patterns. He said that I will get "smarter and smarter" and that over time, it will figure out new ways--healthier ways--to approach problems, ones that don't involve the bottle. I wish I could find the thread the neva eva posted, the one in which he said that she would get "smarter and more sweet" over time. That wasn't exactly it, but I can't find the quote right now. :h

[Grommet]

bac diary

neva eva;1043784 wrote: Serenity, I love your name. At least it isn't stupid and negative!
:h

Ok Nev, I know this quote was directed at me! (and ftr, even though everyone is out to get me, I am NOT paranoid!)

Stay tuned for a username change.

And Serenity, I too love your name!

[gratitude]

bac diary

thanks for the info- seeking. that is extremely interesting. sounds like the cerebellum is the seat of the watcher or witness for those of you that meditate. very cool.

[Isolde]

bac diary

seeking_serenity;1043567 wrote: Dear Taw, I am taking @130-150 mgs/day at the moment. I had a couple of bad/off days, but I woke up this morning feeling pretty damned good about myself. In fact, EVERYTHING feels good. I had to drive out of town for a family thing today, and all I could think during the drive was: "Damn, I feel good." I didn't want the good feelings to stop! This stuff is like the most potent antidepressant in the world. No antidepressant I've ever taken has made me feel THIS good, ever!
Serenity, I know how you feel. After an absolutely depressing weekend, I decided to bump up to 140mgs yesterday and I am feeling SO much better today! I'm afraid that I'll go back to feeling the blahs once I get used to the dose though. But I'll take whatever I can get at the moment.

seeking_serenity;1043567 wrote: I should also mention something else that hit me today. I was driving when the song "Other Side" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers came on the radio. That song is gorgeous and also depressing...it is about addiction and suicide. It used to be my suicidal theme song:

How long, how long will I slide?...I've gotta take it on the other side (other side meaning death, "it" meaning heroin)

Every time I heard this beautiful song before the Bac revelation, I felt hopeless and resigned. The song was about my imminent death. Now I hear it and I feel HOPEFUL. My "slide" is ending! And I don't have to wait until the grave to see an end to this madness. I can't tell you how much that means to me. Suddenly, my hopeless slide is screeching to a halt. And I couldn't be more grateful. :h

I have always loved this song. Maybe because I didn't know that it was about addiction/suicide! In any case, I still love it now. And as Nev mentioned, I am really into music again right now. I got this at the lower doses as I was titrating up, and then staying at 120mgs for awhile, it disappeared. At 140 though, it's back. I'm a music lover, so anything that enhances it for me is welcome!

[gratitude]

bac diary

always felt a connection with "under the bridge" Chili Peppers. never took heroin but I think alcohol served the same purpose for me. I still harbor fantasies of nomadic homelessness. for some reason it is still a romantic idea that tugs at my being. I guess it would validate that I'm alone, unlovable, doomed, nobody understands me, yada yada. now that I'm sober I realize that it's only an drunken, overly sentimental idea that I hang onto so that I don't have to take on the responsibility of being engaged in the world.

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Dear friends, I will have a detailed answer to your responses soon! I hope you don't think I've been ignoring you. I should have answers by the a.m. Major hugs to all of you for your responses! :h

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

bleep69;1043683 wrote: Seeking, that's great news, an inspiring post, thanks.

Never knew that song was about that, need to go and re-listen to it now...
Thanks bleep! And congrats on your Bac-throughs lately!

The song is really sad. It's written from the (perceived) point of view of their first guitarist, Hillel Slovak, who died of an overdose in 1988.

neva eva;1043784 wrote:
I completely agree. The first 24-36 hours are uncomfortable for me. Following that it feels like I'm normal, and stronger, and brighter, and have more clarity. At EVERY level, if I give it the chance to work.
That's been the hardest part for me. I get stuck when I try to titrate upwards, and then I hit the new level with a blast, and it's always been delightful.

Grommet;1043945 wrote: And Serenity, I too love your name!
Thanks! :h I think I'll keep it until the switch, then I'll just change it to "Serenity!"

gratitude;1043967 wrote: thanks for the info- seeking. that is extremely interesting. sounds like the cerebellum is the seat of the watcher or witness for those of you that meditate. very cool.

I'm not familiar with the watcher/witness, but then again I don't meditate. Maybe I should start! haha.

Isolde;1043976 wrote: Serenity, I know how you feel. After an absolutely depressing weekend, I decided to bump up to 140mgs yesterday and I am feeling SO much better today! I'm afraid that I'll go back to feeling the blahs once I get used to the dose though. But I'll take whatever I can get at the moment.

I have always loved this song. Maybe because I didn't know that it was about addiction/suicide! In any case, I still love it now. And as Nev mentioned, I am really into music again right now. I got this at the lower doses as I was titrating up, and then staying at 120mgs for awhile, it disappeared. At 140 though, it's back. I'm a music lover, so anything that enhances it for me is welcome!

Glad to hear you're feeling better! :h I feel really good right now, and have very little desire to drink! Maybe the switch is coming soon for me as well? We can only hope!

That song is very haunting for me, but I really like it. It was a beautiful and very empathetic song about heroin addiction. I've also found a new, profound love of music. The littlest things really strike me as beautiful lately. It must be Bac's antidepressant effects, or something. Whatever it is, I'm not complaining!

gratitude;1043990 wrote: always felt a connection with "under the bridge" Chili Peppers. never took heroin but I think alcohol served the same purpose for me. I still harbor fantasies of nomadic homelessness. for some reason it is still a romantic idea that tugs at my being. I guess it would validate that I'm alone, unlovable, doomed, nobody understands me, yada yada. now that I'm sober I realize that it's only an drunken, overly sentimental idea that I hang onto so that I don't have to take on the responsibility of being engaged in the world.

I spent 2-3 days homeless a few years ago, and it was by far the most devastating, hopeless thing I've ever gone through. It was so bad that I hesitate to talk about it on this forum. I fear that people wouldn't believe my story! It was really awful. So glad for your sobriety. I can't wait to know that feeling myself!

-------------------

Not a whole lot to report right now. I didn't get to the AF thing I'd planned for this week, but I've been on my second beer for an hour now and I'm really not feeling it very much. I already quit the wine, but beer always went down so nicely. Not today, though. I am just not into it. This is a good thing!

I started keeping track of my consumption of liquids (water + iced green tea, plus about 12-24 ounces of kombucha). I discovered that I am drinking almost 2 GALLONS of liquids a day (not including the beer!), and I'm still thirsty most of the time! How astonishing. This stuff dehydrates the eff out of a person! I can't even imagine how bad it will be when I go up in dosage.

Still having the crazy dreams, but I'm sleeping 7-8 hours most nights now. I snore a LOT, and even catch myself starting to snore whilst awake!

I have two job interviews next week and I'm OMG excited for one of them--it would be PERFECT for me. Oh, keep your fingers crossed for me! I've told most people I know that this will be a year of HUGE changes for me (most of them don't know about the Bac yet)--to get an awesome new job would be the best thing that's happened for me in a long time.

The switch is looming--I just know it! Thanks for your support.

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Long tl;dr backstory on my crying incident a couple of days ago:

I volunteer at an animal shelter. One that has a very high rate of killing healthy/adoptable animals. I HATE the shelter, & hate that they kill so many animals. The No-Kill movement has proven that shelters can change, with just a change of the attitudes of the staff. Unfortunately, where I volunteer, the staff are so used to the killing, they are pretty ho-hum about it. That sickens me. I have to watch the daily death march to the "euthanasia" room every time I'm there. It goes on for HOURS during the months when we get a lot of cats. It is so disheartening.

Anyway, on Thursday I was getting ready to take a dog to an adoption event. I went to the kennels and picked out an adorable little Lhasa Apso. She was so sweet and would have been a perfect example for me to "show off" at the event. The shelter office had a huge, hyper Labrador Retriever running around. To protect "my" dog, I put her into a back office and shut the door while I tried to find a nice collar for her. Unfortunately, the room had a back door, which led to another office, then another, and back to the main office area. I didn't know this. My dog escaped, got into a scuffle with the Lab, and when I went to rescue her from the scuffle, she bit me...hard enough to draw blood. I went back into the main office, where they'd already taken "my" dog away. The kennel manager was brought out front. Here's what I heard her say:

"Well, she'll have to go into quarantine for 10 days. She'll have to have a "biter tag" put on her kennel. Even if she's allowed back into the adoption area, she'll have to have a biter tag put on her kennel..."

I heard those words and my heart sunk. I burst out crying in front of the whole staff. Some of them slunk out of the office when I started crying. But I had heard what I heard, and that was that the kennel worker had pretty much decided already to put her down.

They all came up to me, and tried to "comfort" me. I said something to the effect of "please don't put her down, she didn't do anything wrong, she was just scared." The kennel manager promised she wouldn't put the dog down. But I had heard what I heard. And I was just sick at how heartless that shelter is, and how blase they are about "euthanasia."

I was up pretty much all night worrying about that dog. In the morning, I emailed our volunteer director, offering to take the dog, and also offering to be in the meeting where the dog's fate would be determined. I got an email back about an hour later, saying that they promised they wouldn't put the dog down. While I'm semi-OK with that, I'll keep following up on that poor, cute little dog. I couldn't stop crying for TWO DAYS because of this. I actually only stopped crying when I wrote my "bac and emotions" post.

Things are looking up (maybe?) and I feel better. I have a very good lead on a job, which I also found out about just before posting that thread. My life is changing for the better in so many ways. My friends are reaching out to me more and more. I am being recommended for this job over anyone else...I am the only person being considered right now. People have faith in me! That's something that I haven't been able to say for YEARS.

I'll take any SE for this whole AF thing to become permanent. It's already happening. I can drink about 3-5 beers a night, tops, before my body starts rejecting them. It already feels forced...I'll get up to a certain amount before I start getting so nauseated that I have to stop. I'd like to try a couple of AF nights soon, just to see if I can do it. I know I can. I have no physical desire for AL anymore. It's just the psychological addiction, the "habit," that I can't let go of. That will happen soon, I'm sure!

Anyway, that's what happened to me the other day. I'm sure other animal lovers can relate...

[taw]

bac diary

How are you doing SS?

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

I'm doing pretty well, taw, thanks for asking! :l

Right now I'm at about 150mg/day. Like you, I'm frustrated that I haven't hit my switch yet, but I'm heartened by the fact that I can't drink much anymore. I have to stop at @5 beers, and I actually have a few leftover beers in my fridge. I haven't been able to keep beer in my fridge in years--I'd just drink it in the morning. I have no desire to do that anymore.

Feel pretty good at 150. A lot of things that used to bother me pre-bac are gone, or at least lessened considerably. I used to wake up early in the a.m. with terrible anxiety. I still wake up early, but I don't have that inexplicable anxiety in the mornings. Ever.

I used to get terrible road rage, especially when stuck behind someone who's going 10 miles or more under the speed limit. My anxiety just caused me to fly to pieces at such minor things. That doesn't happen anymore. I might have a little frustration, but nothing like the all-encompassing freak-outs I used to experience. I know a lot of people don't recommend driving on bac. I feel like I'm a much better driver on it, actually. Much more in control of myself.

I feel much more balanced. Even when my drinking hour approaches, I don't feel that overarching NEED to rush out of work and get my beer.

I think that I'll be giving the AF thing a go here in the near future. I don't even know what I'm scared of. It's just something that's ingrained so deeply into my psyche.

[Grommet]

bac diary

Hi Serenity,

It sounds like things are good for you - happy to hear it!

seeking_serenity;1048241 wrote: I don't even know what I'm scared of. It's just something that's ingrained so deeply into my psyche.

I am so with you on this!

[taw]

bac diary

Ditto on the not knowing what is so scarry!! It like losing my best abusive friend...the devil you know is better than the devil you don't!

[Isolde]

bac diary

seeking_serenity;1048241 wrote:
I used to get terrible road rage, especially when stuck behind someone who's going 10 miles or more under the speed limit. My anxiety just caused me to fly to pieces at such minor things. That doesn't happen anymore. I might have a little frustration, but nothing like the all-encompassing freak-outs I used to experience. I know a lot of people don't recommend driving on bac. I feel like I'm a much better driver on it, actually. Much more in control of myself.

Oh, how I wish I could say the same!!! My road rage continues to get me worked up on a daily basis. I'm trying to remember if it got better on lower levels of bac. But it's been a few months since I was below 100mgs, so I really don't remember. I actually find that I am getting more worked up lately than I used to! South Florida drivers are also notoriously TERRIBLE and I find myself avoiding accidents that others are just TRYING to cause on an almost daily basis. Maybe this is why I have high blood pressure since the age of 28? :H I try to remind myself that getting worked up and screaming at people accomplishes NOTHING but to upset me. It is a real ongoing effort and a daily practice in patience not to let it get to me.
Consider yourself lucky, serenity!!

[bleep69]

bac diary

I'm with serenity on this. I used to launch into a tirade against the smallest slight against me real or imagined. Now I just feel sorry for the hopeless $###!!!#!!!er, but there's no venom, mostly habit.

[seeking_serenity]

bac diary

Grommet;1048277 wrote: It sounds like things are good for you - happy to hear it!

Thank you so much, Grommet! :h

taw;1048307 wrote: Ditto on the not knowing what is so scarry!! It like losing my best abusive friend...the devil you know is better than the devil you don't!
It really is like letting go of an abusive relationship. I can't wait to say goodbye to the bastard that has ruined my life up until this point.

Isolde;1048314 wrote: Oh, how I wish I could say the same!!! My road rage continues to get me worked up on a daily basis. I'm trying to remember if it got better on lower levels of bac. But it's been a few months since I was below 100mgs, so I really don't remember. I actually find that I am getting more worked up lately than I used to! South Florida drivers are also notoriously TERRIBLE and I find myself avoiding accidents that others are just TRYING to cause on an almost daily basis. Maybe this is why I have high blood pressure since the age of 28? :H I try to remind myself that getting worked up and screaming at people accomplishes NOTHING but to upset me. It is a real ongoing effort and a daily practice in patience not to let it get to me.
Consider yourself lucky, serenity!!

Sorry that you are still experiencing it, dear Isolde! I guess it really does take some practice in many ways. Hope that you can find a way to get past it. Road rage sucks, and it really is pointless. :h

bleep69;1048354 wrote: I'm with serenity on this. I used to launch into a tirade against the smallest slight against me real or imagined. Now I just feel sorry for the hopeless $###!!!#!!!er, but there's no venom, mostly habit.

Ryan, I'm glad to hear that you are having the same reaction to the Bac. I'm even MORE glad to hear about your switch! Yay! :goodjob:

---------

One other thing that I forgot to put in my post above: when I was anxious, I used to have the tendency to start talking so fast that people couldn't keep up with me. It's largely why I was diagnosed as bipolar years ago (a diagnosis that I now strongly believe was incorrect). During my last (horrible) rehab, it was common for the "counselors" and other patients to say stuff to me, like "Slow down! You're talking too fast!" or: "Just stop, take a deep breath." I wanted to punch them in the face. I had absolutely no control over it, and when people would tell me to "calm down" when I was already on the verge of flying to pieces, it would make me even more upset and anxious.

Anyway, that is not a problem anymore. I never, ever talk fast anymore!

I have a job interview tomorrow morning, and I am pretty sure that barring something crazy, I'm going to get this job. I just can't believe my luck lately. This is a year of HUGE changes for me. So happy about how everything is going, I could just cry. :h