Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

[Cinders]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Ig and Reggie,

Wow. To both of you, I am hoping there is a way to get better. Truly.

Reggie, quit deleting. Stop the finger when it goes to edit/delete. Okay?

You know, we actually recommend all post their feelings on Baclofen, even if it is negative. It is okay. Actually, it is good. Others need to know that there are down sides to the Baclofen therapy. It may put some off, but that may be for a good reason. They may know based on what is posted that this therapy will not work for them.

We only get upset when the negative posts are about attacking people.

Ig, I am going to do some serious searching for you. I know there are psycologists that will work by phone. That may or may not be an option for you. I run into the same thing as you do because of my constant traveling. It is just a part of my life. Can't keep up with normal medical care, either. So I understand.

You are right, Ig, a pastime is a big help. Exercise, etc. My last rehab was a non-12 Step rehab based loosely on Stanton Peele's program but also with some AA principles. Here is a condensed version:

1. Confront your issues and find something in life for which it is worth giving up alcohol.
2. Exercise to maintain a good physical and mental spirit.
3. Get out into the community and help those who need it. Find something you can do to give to society. Something that makes you feel good about yourself while making someone else's life better.
4. Meditate or pray dailly depending on your metaphysical beliefs.
5. Work on learning to love yourself.

This is the Reader's Digest condensed version of the rehab.

I have serious trouble with 1 and 5, so relapsed. But I continue to work on them. I will get there because I am here and that is a good reason to get there.

Reggie, I totally understand the going from a daily drinker to a binge drinker. I did that, myself. Unfortunately, when I quit taking Baclofen due to a stressful account last year, the binge drinking episodes got closer and closer together. It has been horrific.

Thank God, Baclofen is helping me right now. I decided to go AF while I am titrating up. It relieves at least the white knuckle part. I am not to indifference. I still want to go get my bottles of vodka and drink myself silly. But, I am able to go without and not have that jaw clenching, stomach clenching, whole body tightened into knots feeling.

Sorry about the tome, guys.

It is just that my heart goes out to you and I hope some little piece of this can be of help.

Meanwhile, Ig, I will be searching for a good, no an excellent, way for you to get counseling.

Love,
Cindi

[ignominious]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Be warned this is a totally egocentric post!

Cindi, I read your post last night and was at a bit of a loss as to how to reply. Can't say I'm much better this morning! I truly appreciate your offer, I also know that baclofen can make one feel particularly gregarious and I have the feeling that unless I can wangle something with the NHS (National Health Service) then I'm going to be out of luck. Seeing you hit your switch would give me a good boost. You're beautiful!

1) Getting a more focused picture of my issues would help a lot. I'm ready to confront them whatever they are. Pressing reason for giving up alcohol is my kids.
2) Always taken this fairly seriously.
3) Always taken this as a part of "how to live" but never been able to get into it big time. Still do what I can but am feeling a bit of a pariah atm particularly with my change in finances.
4) Don't do this. But get told daily I should. Shall do something about that today!
5) Herein lies the rub. Many people would say I have an inflated opinion of myself whereas I think I have a low self opinion. And what the f#ck is love anyway.

[Chi]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

ignominious;1100481 wrote: Be warned this is a totally egocentric post!

Cindi, I read your post last night and was at a bit of a loss as to how to reply. Can't say I'm much better this morning! I truly appreciate your offer, I also know that baclofen can make one feel particularly gregarious and I have the feeling that unless I can wangle something with the NHS (National Health Service) then I'm going to be out of luck. Seeing you hit your switch would give me a good boost. You're beautiful!

1) Getting a more focused picture of my issues would help a lot. I'm ready to confront them whatever they are. Pressing reason for giving up alcohol is my kids.
2) Always taken this fairly seriously.
3) Always taken this as a part of "how to live" but never been able to get into it big time. Still do what I can but am feeling a bit of a pariah atm particularly with my change in finances.
4) Don't do this. But get told daily I should. Shall do something about that today!
5) Herein lies the rub. Many people would say I have an inflated opinion of myself whereas I think I have a low self opinion. And what the f#ck is love anyway.

One thing I like about my job is that when I am feeling like you describe, I go to work and within hours my brain forgets all about it. I work in a state prison and to say it keeps me grounded is an understatement. I've learned so much from their suffering/coping/breakdown/get back up.... it's unbelievable. If your ever interested in hearing about it we can talk more.

In the meantime, you will find your place. I always liked this quote from Elisabeth K?bler-Ross:

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

[ignominious]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Hi Reg. I'll find something soon, at the moment I seem to be bogged down and busy doing fuck all! Can't seem to get anything started. On the up side I went to see a dog today that I might get. Cross between German Shep and Rottweiler. Think it would be good for the family and give me someone to talk to!

Chi, You do not fit into my preconceived ideas about a female prison warden, too compassionate by far! Sure I can blame my distorted view here on TV series rather than elsewhere. Tough job emotionally I should imagine, if I ever get a sex change and locked up I hope its in your prison! Neither of them are likely or desired btw!

Love your quote and trying.

[Cinders]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Ig/Reggie,

Here are just three I found but there are many others to choose from.

I just googled for online psycologists and many came up. You should do the same and see if any suit you. Almost all of them seem to have a free beginning and then you choose what method you want for interaction.

Online Counseling - Professional Counselors - Therapists Online - LivePerson

Psychology Free Online Medical Advice, Mental Health, Anxiety, Relationship Advice

E-Therapy and Online Psychology at ALLPSYCH Online

I hope you find something that helps, Ig. Being sober is a great start to healing yourself.

Love,
Cindi

[Chi]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

ignominious;1100788 wrote: Hi Reg. I'll find something soon, at the moment I seem to be bogged down and busy doing fuck all! Can't seem to get anything started. On the up side I went to see a dog today that I might get. Cross between German Shep and Rottweiler. Think it would be good for the family and give me someone to talk to!

Chi, You do not fit into my preconceived ideas about a female prison warden, too compassionate by far! Sure I can blame my distorted view here on TV series rather than elsewhere. Tough job emotionally I should imagine, if I ever get a sex change and locked up I hope its in your prison! Neither of them are likely or desired btw!

Love your quote and trying.

Well I work as a nurse in the prison, could never work on the custody side. Because of how the laws are a medical person has to be on hand for all use of force and anything related to safety/injury and then all the usual medical needs. I sometimes think all people should be exposed to the reality of prison not only for the deterrent aspect but to see how different coping mechanisms come into play when one is stripped of ALL comfort measures. Interesting to say the least.

Okay back to your regularly scheduled programming :monalisa:

[Cinders]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Chi;1100977 wrote: Well I work as a nurse in the prison, could never work on the custody side. Because of how the laws are a medical person has to be on hand for all use of force and anything related to safety/injury and then all the usual medical needs. I sometimes think all people should be exposed to the reality of prison not only for the deterrent aspect but to see how different coping mechanisms come into play when one is stripped of ALL comfort measures. Interesting to say the least.

Okay back to your regularly scheduled programming :monalisa:

Fascinating work. The only time I have been in a similar situation is the time I was strapped to a bed at the Mayo Hospital in Rochester, MN against my will. A long story and one I like to forget but I was dragged from my hotel room, through the lobby, drunk and thrown into an ambulance and taken to the hospital.

I was then under a 72 hours 24/7 suicide watch written by a judge against me even though they had not yet seen me or talked to me!! Someone had called the police worried about me because I had passed out while on the phone with her. They found me by my cell signal. She was afraid I had hurt myself. I do not blame her, she was just doing what she thought was right. I blame the system because someone on a phone can initiate that kind of experience.

Anyhow, they took the straps off after my BAC was below .08, which took a while.

But after that, I was still stuck in the hospital room with a nurse sitting by my side the entire time. Going to the toilet was not fun. I don't like company. TMI, I didn't have a bm the entire time, imagine.

Anyway, at least I had some comfort measures. I was not treated like a criminal, just like an insane person. I kept explaining to the psychs that I was a drunk, which of course is insanity, but not suicidal.

I was released after 72 hours and had to call the hotel to come and get me. The person that picked me up had been in the hotel when they dragged me through the lobby drunk. He kept trying not to laugh. It was a very humbling experience.

Not humbling enough to keep me from drinking, though. I actually ended up drinking even more. I guess I am insane.

What really struck me about the whole situation is that by using a cell phone, you can be found at any time by the "authorities." While this can be very helpful if you are truly hurt, it is also intrusive on your privacy. I have often wondered if Osama Bin Laden uses a cell phone. I am quite sure not.

Thank Heavens for Baclofen. Hopefully I will see the end of this insanity as I titrate up to my switch.

Cindi

[ignominious]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Hi Chi, Cindy, Reg.

Firstly I'd like to say that I apologise for type casting you Chi. Bad habit of mine, comes from being a cardboard cutout and trying to make reality fit in. Another of many of my habits that have to go. I should say it's an interesting job and probably heart rending. Up close and personal, couldn't handle it myself. Power to you.

Great story about the hotel. Bedtime one for the grandkids - ouch - sorry. However badly sobriety is treating me I wont ever have to deal with that type of degradation again. Thanks for reminding me Cindi - OUCH again. What you said about 'sobriety being a good start yo heal yourself' I believe to be true. I've tried everything else to no avail so for me its the only possible place to start that hasn't proven ineffectual.

Big brother, big business is controlling our lives, rather than being ill at ease about it and drinking to sedate myself and deal with the inconsistencies of life I choose to face them with a clear head. There goes my illusions of grandeur bit again .... imagined I was in "Terninator 2011"!

Keep going girls and boys. Despite the fact that I've got no job, no prospects of a job, no income (which I mope about every day) I'm sure I'm doing the right thing here and still got another month to go (Reg) 'til I hit the milestone of 6 months where I shall be assessing my new life critically. So no, therapy or boat for me chaps but if I learn something positive everyday it's got to add up to something eventually I figure.

[Chi]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Ig if you don't mind me asking, what kind of job are you looking for?

[ignominious]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

You're right Reg, it does feel good and I think I am on the right track, developing, at last! Into what, I'm not sure; fully fledged, no mitigating excuses, asshole; hopefully better than that but whatever ... it will be me.

You actually called them. That's great. I guess you wouldn't commit your cash. Proves that you're not serious! Were you able to get anything useful out of them?

[ignominious]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Hi Chi

Don't mind you asking but I'm still trying to preserve my anonymity if possible.

Basically at this stage I would consider anything. Pretty much I've always been self employed. I have a big problem with authority and however good my boss was I couldn't ever, not express resentment. Just the fact that someone had something 'over me' was unbearable, after being sacked, passed over enough times it dawned on me that I had to be my own boss.

Now, its possible I could come to terms with it and it seems to be the most likely course of action. Trouble is, anyone who could help me has probably experienced me drunk and most likely righteously rubbing their face in the fact that they are slaves to the system, sheep without original thought, not as good as me. You get the idea. Ha! Karma!

I don't want to teach English!!!!!!!

[Cinders]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Ig,

You know AA's attitude about drunks, yes?

We are the most egotistical people in the world with the lowest self-esteem there is.

We try to control the uncontrollable. So do our families. It is a mad circus, as KTAB said on another thread.

Well, you have found a way to control the uncontrollable.

Now you have to work on the egotistical part. It is good you recognize it. I have to work on it, myself. It is so funny, I recognize it quickly in others but can't seem to control it in me.

I stay in trouble with my boss due to administrivia. I have the eff you attitude, I am doing real work. Fairly egotistical, yes? Just do the administrivia and get it done, girl!!

Like AA says, the first step is acceptance. From there, the rest is a piece of cake.

I truly believe that if we followed the later AA steps for living, we would all be good and sharing human beings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I recognize the "G-d" thing bothers so many but it is only the recognition that there is something out there better than us and we can reach out to it to learn. I sure hope there is something out there better than us. However, I have a friend in AA who thinks of G-d as the good part of herself. That is what she appeals to. It works quite well for her.

My rehab changed the concept of #12 to helping others, period. Do something that helps someone or others. It makes you feel good about yourself and it helps someone or others in need.

I worked at a nursing home while I was in rehab. Once a week we went there and played games with the people who could participate. It made their weeks. A couple of them were some shrewd card players and they loved it when they won. They won fair and square. It was amazing how good I felt after going there and seeing the smiles on their faces and giving them at least some time they were not sitting in a room alone with nothing to do.

Additionally, I learned that talking with them and learning about their lives and the things they had done, added to me. You forget that the elderly have lived much longer and seen so many more things than we have. I heard stories that blew me away. I gained as much as they did in the process of being there.

Okay. I know this may sound weird to all of you but it is what I experienced. I do cast about for something I can do to help others. One of my friends joined a rescue mission for abused horses. She loves horses and had the property to care for them. Another is working for a home for abused women. I can go on and on.

I have done nothing in that area of my life. It should be simple. Find something you love and share it with those who need it.

Okay, done with this tome. Sorry for the blathering. I do that alot these days. I think it is the Baclofen loosening my tongue.

Love,
Cindi

[ignominious]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Hi Cindi

Found some 5HTP so had my first one yesterday, also cooked fish for dinner to make up the omegas!

Uncertain about the helping others bit when I can't help myself. I do my bit though, cooked and served food on the street to hungry hordes of poor during the water festivities. Always like that, like when I worked in a restaurant kitchen, no time to brood!

Maybe AA has a lot to offer if you take it selectively and get a good group.

Hope your well and are dealing with your SEs.

[Cinders]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

Ig,

Uncertain about the helping others bit when I can't help myself.
Helping others helps yourself. At AA, the sponsors will quickly tell you that you help them as much as they help you.

I do my bit though, cooked and served food on the street to hungry hordes of poor during the water festivities. Always like that, like when I worked in a restaurant kitchen, no time to brood!

I'll bet they are hungry 360 days a year. Just sayin'

I am serious about this. I keep trying to find a way to help others. I know it will get me outside of myself. I need to get outside of myself.

I am doing okay with the SEs. Whatever it takes, yes?

I am just working on getting to my switch. It is painful but worth the pain.

Love,
Cindi

[ignominious]

Sobriety. From one who knows. A sober point of view.

For about a week I've been down to 80mg. Had another drink last Friday, the excuse was to celebrate the Royal nuptials, not that I can't find one anywhere if I want to. But this was planned ftr. I think that's drink no.4 or 5 since indifference and it was very successful in getting me out of my face very cheaply (didn't take so much booze). It also reminded me, yet again, that apart from oblivion I gain nothing from drinking to inebriation.. The main lasting memory is that I don't actually enjoy it much. Still a strange realisation.

Despite the few times that I've drunk post switch I am aware that the frequency is increasing so will watch that carefully. I shall probably have a few sociable beers this coming Friday but will certainly not be searching for the euphoria that alcohol always used to promise.

I had also been trying 5HTP. Most accounts have it that the effects will not be apparent until several weeks have passed. I am dubious of my own experience. I took it for about 7 days and have now discontinued.
I felt generally more demotivated than before (if that's possible).
I was getting anxiety attacks again, breaking out in a cold sweat thinking about the failure of my life and prospects.
I wasn't getting a good nights sleep. A lot of tossing and turning and twilight world half sleep (if you know what I mean).
When I stopped, the above have also stopped. Almost opposite of the effect that it promised and fairly strong for a dose of 50mg nightly. Very strange, maybe not related to 5HTP, anyone got any ideas?!

Generally I feel more in control of myself. My forays into purgatory or hell are not so deep or long as they have been previously. My money/work situation is still dismal but with careful management we're still a year or more away from hunger and even that could be construed as character building for my kids! A tiny light of optimism shimmers on the horizon. Maybe!

Hi Cindi, where ever you are! Little conspicuous by your absence on the boards or maybe I've not been looking in the right places. Hope you're well, and you're doing well with the bac.