I am a trainwreck!

[taw]

I am a trainwreck!

Thanks G! Yes it did make me smile! And no, I am not confused! I like men....plain and simple! I like one in particular too much, hence the emotional day! Better now!

[taw]

I am a trainwreck!

And by the way said man is not NN, ex husband! GLAD to be rid of him!

[Evey]

I am a trainwreck!

Hey Taw! How goes it?

Love the poem! It's actually one of my husband's favorites. He has a copy or two of it framed.

Hang in there girl, you can do it. :l

[taw]

I am a trainwreck!

If I was never to be glad of him, NN, today was the clincher! He helped coach sons baseball game and the sound of his voice grated on my every last nerve...and those of everyone around me! Glad I was not the only one so annoyed by him! sorry for venting!

So anyhoo, at 225....going to 250 tomorrow...slow and steady! Right, maybe not! Who knows at this point! Reminds me, I need to take next dose....hope you all are well!

[taw]

I am a trainwreck!

Hi All!

I just wanted everyone to know that even tho I have not been posting much on anyone's threads I am reading and following! I cannot seem to put together an eloquent, creative, witty, articulate, coherent thought lately! And of course everyone else seems to have their A game on lately! Glad everyone seems to be doing well!

I am done with the NN rants! I divorced him for a reason...no reason to bring it bac here!

Eating drinking and smoking are at an all time high! But I realized I have not been taking my prozac lately...I tend to stop taking it when I am feeling better, but I guess bac does not have the same calming effects on me as it does others! So bac on the zac...hopefully it will get me out of this funk I have been in!

Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday! Off to take son to another bday party!

[Murphyx]

I am a trainwreck!

taw;1137407 wrote: I just wanted everyone to know that even tho I have not been posting much on anyone's threads I am reading and following! I cannot seem to put together an eloquent, creative, witty, articulate, coherent thought lately! Just write gibberish and pretend you did it deliberately; always works for me.

taw;1136929 wrote: So anyhoo, at 225....going to 250 tomorrow..

You're doing great Taw. These are big numbers and they bring their own challenges. Worth it in the long run though.

taw;1136761 wrote: I like men....plain and simple!

Good to know you like your men plain and simple. Means I'm in with a chance.

[RudyB]

I am a trainwreck!

hey taw, i'd say that here's where you're free to vent or write jibberish to your heart's content. my god, if you need permission to do that, gander on over to my thread! sheesh louise! i tell it all, and usually feel better afterwards, if not a little self-conscious for having this new mwo addiction.

about your ex, i can totally relate! i had a gal over cleaning house yest who works at my son's school. she remarked at how unfriendly the ex is, that he comes in with his defensive, humorless vibe, and MIGHT crack a smile if you say hello nicely (which he never does first). yep, other people usually do see (and hear) what we do. kinda comforting. and after marriage, it's not easy to just let it go and move on. sometimes venting can be really helpful. so there's my tuppence.

oh, and i love hearing that you're off to another b'day party; i remember from your early posts when you complained of being embarassed for showing up to your son's game after drinking, or not being able to go at all. you've come a long way, babe!

post away, my dear! we wanna know...

[taw]

I am a trainwreck!

So, I am having an internal battle...I have already voiced the habit vs craving...Yesterday I drank purely out of habit, this I know...son went to play at a son's house, I was bored, and lonely and depressed...so I started drinking...

But something else hit me today...I am afraid to be AF! To me AL is like an abusive friendship or relationship and I would never be afraid to get out of that, but this is what I have been working towards and yet it scares me to death! The devil you know is better than the devil you don't, I guess!

For me to even consider trying to go AF for a week makes me a nervous wreck. It's not like I could never drink again, right? WTF is wrong with me? Why does this scare me so much? It has done so much damage, and yet, some part of me wants to keep it in my life!

Is my brain that twisted? Is this were the rewiring comes in?

Anyone else gone through this?

[bleep]

I am a trainwreck!

For sure, it's a strange new world when you become indifferent. It's taken me ages to come to terms with it, and I'm still feeling my way around. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

You'll find though, that your thoughts will change when indifference strikes. Suddenly it's not so important to have a drink, and the AF days will just rack up by themselves. No need to force it along.

[RudyB]

I am a trainwreck!

i touch so brief

i have been going thru exactly same habit battle. when i won on sun i thot indifference. today i am not even tempted. u shld think abt one day not one wk. too overwhelming. u will do this taw. keep the faith.

[RudyB]

I am a trainwreck!

also prozac shld stay in yr syst to wrk no? so just stick w it is my guess.

[Bruunhilde]

I am a trainwreck!

Hi Taw!

Yes, I relate, in fact most people here probably do. Once you get past the fear of not drinking, you find out you CAN be just bored, and then the boredom gets you in trouble. Drinking helps ease boredom, in fact I recall my brother telling me years ago that most of his friends that drink too much do it out of boredom. I did it out of the relief it gave me, but boredom is in there too.

Funny, we're here because we were afraid we'd die of drinking, now we're afraid of "missing out on the fun" or being bored or just being without that life long crutch. j

If you can white knuckle it, you'll feel less anxious when your body feels better, I would guess. I did 2.5 weeks earlier this year and felt amazing, but thought "I'll just have the one because I miss the habit and the feeling in my stomach" and now AL has its grip again.

Hang in there, and try to replace the drinking thinking with something else. I'm working on it too. :l

[taw]

I am a trainwreck!

So 250 is kicking my butt!!! So so sleepy but cannot sleep, twitching hands, vibrating eyes...over all stoned feeling...have NEVER had any of the good SE's yet...

Was going to try 300 this weekend since I did not have my son but NN just called and lo and behold he cannot take him again this weeked...Nervous about taking that much with him around...not knowing what the SE's will be...he is already very worried as I am vomitting so much...More so now with the Nal, even if I eat something with it.

Maybe as Murph pointed out on his thread, I may never reach total indifference...drinking up and down, happy for the down days. Not sure where to go from here...

[bleep]

I am a trainwreck!

While I believe what Murph wrote to be true, there is still an indifference involved Taw. And you'll get there.

For me, the twitchy hands, vibrating eyes, etc, were fun. They're just different feelings, and they will disappear in time. I can't see that taking 300 will incapacitate you, so consider trying it anyway? More stable minds might disagree though.

[Murphyx]

I am a trainwreck!

taw;1138470 wrote: Maybe as Murph pointed out on his thread, I may never reach total indifference...drinking up and down, happy for the down days. Not sure where to go from here...

Taw, on my thread, when I replied to your concern about going up, I kinda tried to explain that just because something applied to me, it wouldn't necessarily apply to you or anyone else. There's absolutely no reason to believe you won't find indifference.

I'm with Bleep, I also think you should go up to 300. The 50 increase may not make you puke any more than you are already. I mean just how much spew do you have in you, woman?