I am a trainwreck!

[taw]

I am a trainwreck!

No did not succeed in being AF yesterday...stupid of me to think I could do it on a day off when there is not much to do...and today when everyone is spending time with family and friends and I am home alone! But did start way later yesterday and today and consumption was way down...Probably more realistic to try for AF tomorrow when I have to work all day and only have a few hours to kill instead of all day!

Thanks for checking on me Rudy!

[RudyB]

I am a trainwreck!

you got it, taw.

no worries. rome was not built in a day.

good luck tomorrie!

r ru

[RudyB]

I am a trainwreck!

taw! i've been thinking about you lately! how are you? even if you're terrible, i encourage you to tell us about it so we can support you. rome was not built in a day, nor was it built alone. i'm still rooting for you, no matter your condition. let's keep your thread far away from page six!

[taw]

I am a trainwreck!

I am not even sure where to begin! The last month has been a blur with work, MAJOR depression, trying to figure everything out.

I went up to 350 over July 4th weekend and felt like CRAP! And drank more than I had even before bac. I quickly went down to 150 and maintained a healthy overall feeling, had some AF days and low AL days. I realized I felt much better on low doses so I was not drinking to feel better from the SE's.

But I did sink into a terrible depression. I was feeling so much better I again stopped taking my prozac. I could barely get out of bed to get to work much less try and keep up on MWO. I pretty much hid in my own sad world for the better part of 3 weeks. Would not even leave my house on weekends, talk to any one, but still was not drinking alot.

So, today I am bac on prozac, on 150 mg of bac and maintaining a very healthy relationship with AL. AF days in a row, and very low AL days. I had 3 glass last night and that is the most I have had in a couple weeks!

I am ok with modding for now. I was killing myself by feeling like a failure by not reaching indifference. Maybe one day I will try for it again, or maybe it will just naturally happen.

Thanks for checking on me Ruby. I had not logged on in so long I was surprised to see my thread on the first page! I was expecting to have to search for it! I will do my best to try and catch up on everyone!

I hope everyone is doing well and sorry for the disappearing act! :h

[RudyB]

I am a trainwreck!

hey taw! this is great news! i am so happy to read it! sorry to hear about the depression. the few days i've had it were the worst of my life, even worse than obvious stressors that sent me into a tizzy. a few folks here with major depression have reported incredible ! success with 5htp. people who were suicidal and full of self-hate suddenly feel happy. also, i've read about omega 3's, in the form of fish and flax oils, having similar results. the omegas you can get at a health food store. the 5htp you may have to order online. i looked into it last night and it's not very expensive.

please do keep us posted. as you can see, we do care. i am thrilled to hear about your progress. that's just the bee's knees!

love,
ruby ru

[RudyB]

I am a trainwreck!

oh, and that's just smart not to worry about indifference or modding vs abstinence. al consumption is wayyyy down, and that's all that truly matters, in my opinion.

[Rusty]

I am a trainwreck!

Hi Taw,

It's great to see you here! You have had many for AF days than you expected and I am so proud and happy for you. Please PM me if I can help you....I am always here for you.:l This is a work in progress and I agree with Rudy on the abstinence vs. modding....consumption way down....allright! :goodjob:

[bleep]

I am a trainwreck!

Taw, it's good to see you back, and congratulations. Where you are now sounds great!

Sorry to hear about the depression, but I'm glad you found a way through it.

[Bruunhilde]

I am a trainwreck!

Hi Taw! :l

Glad things are on an even keel. I relate to the hiding/depression thing, I do that periodically, but it always involves tons of AL so good on you.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I am a trainwreck!

Hiya, Taw! That sounds not so great, glad you found a balance!

Depression's a bear. Glad you came back to share. I think it helps to air it here, and avoid the isolation. Keep posting, will you?

:l
Ne

[redhead77]

I am a trainwreck!

Hi Taw,

I've been wondering how you were doing and I'm glad to hear you're okay. Have you ever taken Prozac with your bac before? I thought I remembered you were on both before. I was just wondering if you had been, do you think there's some way you reached some sort of level of indifference? I mean if something changed this time. Just curious. The bottom line is you're doing well, and I'm thrilled for you!

[taw]

I am a trainwreck!

Who the hell am I kidding? I am still a fricking trainwreck! I do well during the week but weekends still kill me! Up so my same old same old this weekend and of course today I feel like absolute shit! Maybe modding is not the way for me! Maybe I just need to suck it up and accept the fact that I cannot drink, at all, period, end of story!

God I am so sick of this! and myself!

[RudyB]

I am a trainwreck!

ergh, taw! so sorry to hear it. but take heart in the fact that you're doing well during the week. what do you do then that you could transplant to your weekends? what could you do differently on weekends to keep you out of harm's way? yep, modding is very tough. seems you know that it might not be for you. if you can avoid trying to mod -however you can- you'll avoid the hellish feelings that come after a bout with the beast. i know how horrible the after effects are. truly unhingeing and unbearable. maybe keep that in mind when you bring the glass to your lips, or are thinking of doing that. (i know, i am sure that you do!) one thing that has often saved me is eating A LOT during the day before i think i might drink. no holds barred - just eat whatever and whenever you want! if you do'nt want to eat, force yourself to. get something down. (the sugar in the blood and the full belly can be saviours.) make dates with people. be active. you know the tools...

sorry it's so rough. you are not alone. don't give up. you'll get through this, you will.

xo rudy

[taw]

I am a trainwreck!

I have much less time during the week, by the time I get home from work and make dinner I am pooped and can usually only have 1 glass...weekends and furlough days give me so much more time! I got out for a bikeride, a walk and my son's baseball games...I don't know, maybe I am just a lost cause!

[RudyB]

I am a trainwreck!

sweetie, you are NOT a lost cause. you are making efforts and HAVE seen improvements, right?! don't give up. you and your son are worth it! keep trying. and remember, the day(s) after a binge are horrible. you'll feel much better tomorrow. today, drink water, eat food, and try to be more kind to yourself.