Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

[Lowcountryman]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

Update....

For starters: I fucked up. I've been drinking this week. Like: drinking with a capital D. And I screwed up my job by not showing up. So it's bye bye job. I closed the curtains and..(well, you know). Not responding to emails, text-messages or any others calls. Feeling sad about a lot of things, and mad about others things. The whole package. More boring than disappointing perhaps.

How did it come this far? I'll try keep this update as relevant as possible.

I titrated down to zero again. A few weeks ago, I don't know when exactly. I was freaking tired of not being mentally at my 'sharpest'.

So, I today I woke up and first thing in my mind was to send my dearest Karen/Ne an email and let you all know what happened without taking the Bac. I opened up my gmail-account (only Ne leaves me a message there once in a while) and there was she.

I take the pills again. Since yesterday. Immediately got up to 50 mg (so no cravings today), and heading for my beloved 120's-150's.

At one hand I know exactly what to do (ttdp), at the other I'm really ff-ing pissed off that I let things slip right through my hand and lost control. I'll have to get up and pick up the broken pieces of this week. I'll manage. As always when I get myself in trouble.

I read about the new protocol. Staying on your switch-dose for the rest of your life. That is absolutely not an option. I'd rather, and might as well get addicted to another drug then, to get at least a fun moment once in a while. There's no functioning for me at, let's say, 380-400mg. Even at a dose of 120-150 I know I'm not as sharp as I could be, happier though. But I?ve come to realize during this journey that I find myself a nicer person and others also prefer me not drinking.

Pffft, here we go again. At least I know what to expect and what to aim for.

I'll update again next week. I guess to let you know that I feel no cravings at all while taking the Bac. Maybe I needed this (last and final?) fuck-up to not try again living without the Bac. Then again, great to be back here

Missed you too K. As far as girlwoman F is concerned, we take the first flight to Virg. You'll love her as I do you

Low

[Isolde]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

Low, I know I keep saying this to everyone, but try piracetam to help with mental clarity. PM me if you want more info.

[Lowcountryman]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

Isolde,

Thanks! I need that kind of info. I'll do some research and pm you if I like to know more.

Low

[bleep]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

It is good to have you back Low, although I'm sorry the circumstances aren't somewhat cheerier.

I can't really help with the mental acuity thing, other than to second Is's suggestion about Piracetam. I find the opposite with baclofen, a focus and a drive to get things done. I would suggest playing around with your dose, but you seem to have done all that, so I am at a bit of a loss.

I do know of other members who have successfully titrated to zero. Were you completely abstinent at the time? This seems to be a condition of zero baclofen, although my sample size is too small to draw any meaningful conclusions.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

Hi, Dear Low...

That sucks. Truly. I hate that. For you, and me and all of the people still there.

You know the rest.

You're one of the rocks that makes up my foundation. (can't wait until you get her on a boat...or something! and get over here)

Stay close. Next week is too long.

Love, love, love. To you both.
xo
Ne
(hang in. put the bottle down. take the pills. take good, really good, care of yourself.)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

The new protocol is not new, nor is it relevant.

Focus on the goal. It's right there and the way you feel now, the things that seem insurmountable and all the rest? You'll be able to see them with clarity and focus...

Eyes on the goal. Right?
xxoo

[ignominious]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

Thanks Low for the update. Bummer..... but good to know about.

I'm hovering around the 80mg/day mark myself, totally relate about the mental sharpness and being dependent on a drug. Never tried piracetam but will be looking it up myself, if you try it, I'd like to hear about you're experience. I feel that my present dose is the bare minimum I need to keep me indifferent enough from alcohol so I can still have a dialogue about it when I see some!

I truly believe that we are capable of fundamentally changing our attitude to alcohol as has been shown by many people in AA or other roads to sobriety but it is an uphill process. I myself am dabbling on occasion with drinking. I don't think this is giving my brain any positive lessons!

Thanks for posting and let us know about the piracetam

[Murphyx]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

bleep;1114500 wrote:
I do know of other members who have successfully titrated to zero.

I think that's a bit of a red herring. The only members I know of who have dropped baclofen altogether have either gone back on the booze or are white-knuckling it. Baclofen gave them an AF period in which to get their heads together and prepare their willpower for the non-bac period ahead. That is not how most people could or should use bac, IMO.

Low, sorry to hear your news. Can I ask why you decided to come off bac altogether?

[Lowcountryman]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

And hello again!!

Wow, that's been a long time. My last update was in may 2011, about a fuck-up and starting the taking Bac again.

Well, I fucked up numerous times after that. I decided to take action: I threw my crazy girlfriend out of the house, switched jobs, took care of my finances, living the structural life, worked hard. And still I found enough hours in the day to get myself perfectly drunk. Couldn't think of anything else I could do to stay off the booze.

So, I got into rehab. Just to sober up for a week. Closed doors, discipline, food on the table without having to do anything. I actually had a great time with my buddy-addicts.

After that week I got 2 months treatment. Psychologists and all. And I hate(d) them for a long time. It's a 'minnesota'-clinic. 12 steps and all. Praying for a higher power. Talking of God. Hugging and holding hands. In Holland we find that very 'american'. But I was fed up with myself, so I got over it, and did the whole thing. Couldn't believe what I was getting into. Felt like I was in a sekt or something. And I do NOT like groups. The idea was to do the first 2 steps in the clinic and after that go to meetings, find a sponsor, do the other 10 steps while you're 'out there'.

After 2 weeks I came to the conclusion that it wasn't the alcohol, or the drugs, or the women, or the gambling. It was just 'me'. My person. Well, my personality...My psychologist, a young, great looking, intelligent and fun girl btw, put me on another track there. She didn't really bother about AA's wisdom tiles. So I did the 12-steps on the side, and followed her track as she forced me to take a real good look in the mirror. And I did not like what/who I saw staring back at me. It kind of disgusted me to be honest.

For the record I did the the two steps but we never really paid much attention to it. I went to some meetings in the first weeks I got out. I found a sponsor. For me, the AA or NA CA (those drugaddicts seem to be more fun to hang around with btw) wasn't the way. Too much US and THEM. So, I got rid of my sponsor (well, he also didn't want me anymore finding me not dedicated enough to the 12 steps, in which he was right) and contacted my beautiful psychologist again and she offered me to come and see her 2 times a month. So, that's what I doing now.

I keep in mind some simple AA-rules. Just-for-today-stuff like that And that eases my mind a bit. I can laugh away the cravings. Pay much attention to my motives. I still play in bars, go out, try to live a normal life. I tore off the curtains from the ceiling. Never ever again I'll have curtains in the living room.

Can't say I feel much more happy than I was drinking. I was hoping for that, but it didn't happen. Some days suck, boredom, but even those days are new experiences. Haha, I guess I never had a real bad day while I was drinking.

So, let's see where this ends. Since 12 march I'm sober now and it's very easy to stay that way. Trying to make new plans a stuff. Make up for lost time, seeing old friends again, feeling still welcome.

Well, my 2 cents

x Low

[taw]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

Good to see you back, Low!! Sounds like quite a journey! But you are finding a way that works for you! I think most of us are here because AA, NA, etc. did not work for us. Those groups do definitely have some good points, but as a lifestyle, which I think is what they need to be, leave a bit to be desired!

Are you on any meds? Good that you are still able to play in clubs and hopefully not too bothered by that!!

Please let us know how you are doing! It is great to see you back here!!

[AL Fiend]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

"Couldn't think of anything else I could do to stay off the booze."

Low, Why was BAC no longer an option?

AL

[Lowcountryman]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

Thx Taw, good to be back. I don't use any meds right now and haven't planned to get some anyway.

Hi AL, for me the Bac was no longer an option because of one side-effect. It kind of works on my brain, gives me a good feeling, but I keep forgetting lots of stuff. I found out that wasn't able to think quick/sharp. I was alway a little hazy. Which is great (:") but I couldn't really function on the job. That was also the case at very low doses (50 mg).

[AL Fiend]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

Low,

Well, at least it sounds like you ended up with a good psychologist and that seems to be working for you. At this point you are 5 months sober without any meds and that is something!

Some people on here say that the amino acid supplement, glutamine, helps with their cravings.

Also, I have seen some stuff on line about Amino Acid IV Therapy being used to fight addiction. This makes sense to me because it seems that whatever is wrong with a person's brain usually comes down to an amino acid imbalance or deficiency.

Amino Acid IV Therapy is kind of expensive so I am trying oral supplementation of l-tyrosine and 5-htp and glutamine. I do feel happier, a little easier to "get high on life" since I started.

I am also taking 320 mg of BAC at this point, and still going higher, as I have not reached indifference.

So can't say amino acids are responsible for everything, or that BAC is. But thought I'd share what my experiences are for what it's worth.

Congrats on your sobriety, and good luck (to all of us!)

AL

[Bminor]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

Murphyx;1114543 wrote: I think that's a bit of a red herring. The only members I know of who have dropped baclofen altogether have either gone back on the booze or are white-knuckling it. Baclofen gave them an AF period in which to get their heads together and prepare their willpower for the non-bac period ahead. That is not how most people could or should use bac, IMO.

Low, sorry to hear your news. Can I ask why you decided to come off bac altogether?

I'm not white knuckling a damn thing. I quit baclofen in December 2011 and haven't even remotely thought about drinking since then.

[ifulovelife2]

Well, I'm indifferent (6 jan 2011)

Bminor;1368681 wrote: I'm not white knuckling a damn thing. I quit baclofen in December 2011 and haven't even remotely thought about drinking since then.

Yep B, you're a success story and no doubt about it. You may be an anomaly. I dunno. I really don't think you're typical. I'm sure you'd agree.