I'm hesitating to share this, because for me the proof of the pudding is the taste this year. Neva asked me to consider sharing, and now I will.
I came from where a lot of us have been, or still are.
Drinking, vomiting, go on drinking till vomiting. Drinking as much as your body would allow you to. Then crashing and wetting the bed. The vomiting lost totally it's biological purpose ("stop what you're doing, you are poisoning your body!"), it just became another routine.
I started Bac a 3/4 months ago, don't know when anymore. My psychiatrist gave me Ameisen's book to read. We had already tried the anti-depressants and refusal (=antabuse), didn't work for me. I'd rather have the feeling of my head exploding than not to drink.
I searched for as much as possible information about the Bac as I could (understand). Finally decided to go for it and go for 'the Switch'.
I've finally titrated up to 400 mg/d for a week. At dosage of 120 mg/d I felt Bac working absolutely great. Had a good nightrest, felt better than ever and drank already a whole lot less. But, as said, I went for 'the switch'.
I've always been drinking during the journey. Believing that Bac should do the trick and there was no need for me to restrain or use my 'will'. I always kept a few cold beers in my fridge, to have no obstacles whatsoever. I thought that was consistent in the way of my approach to this therapy. "The cured addicted rats never used their will, so why should I". If I felt like getting a beer, I should be able to get one. And that was for me the proof that the brains were not 're-wired' yet.
Gradually, gradually, I started drinking less and less. Up to the point that I opened a cold beer, and actually forgot to drink. Or didn't feel like it. Well, that alone would have been a miracle just a few months ago. Now it seems hardly worth mentioning.
Also gradually. Sometimes I went to the supermarket to get me some beers. After a while I still went to the supermarket, but I returned empty-handed. So the decision-making proces seemed to normalize.
That wasn't enough for me. I wanted to reach that switch and be indifferent. Making the right choices wasn't what I was aiming for. I guess I was looking for some chemical castration of the part of my brains that I felt would still rear it's ugly head when times would get rough. And I don't ever wanna be the man I was.
The last two months I've been drinking in total, what I used to drink in one day. So I felt, something was going on. And I didn't even try a little to be abstinent! I was more focussed on reducing the SE's, by changing frequencies etc, than I was on being abstinent.
I had hoped that the switch would be a real, clear moment. It wasn't for me.
But indifference. Well, it's so hard to explain or make it clear. Hell, I can't believe it myself. Indifferent really means indifferent. Alcohol is like a woman's tampon these days. I actually forget buying/ordering it. No appeal at all. I perform a lot in bars en pubs, and I've been playing sober for a month now. I really, really couldn't care less for a drink. Even afterwards I don't care for a beer. Or when I get home. The beast has left the building. And it feels so strange. It's like there has never ever lived a beast inside me. I honestly cannot imagine the amounts of alcohol I took. Just like I cannot imagine I will return to that. Even the habitual drinking (for me: making music at home, composing music on my computer, those kinds of moments I used to drink for about 10 years or so) is gone. I tried everytime, but finally I felt no need to accompany those fine moments by alcohol anymore. Also gradually.
There are so many more examples I could give I guess. But these seem to be so self-evident now, so normal, that I can't even recall these little miracles on their own. The drinking-part seems like a million lightyears away. Like it happened to someone else.
I think I'm taking a big risk here sharing this. It's not meant to be a commitment or something. It's mostly just a snapshot atm. I'll be the first to share if the shit's coming down again. But for right now, I feel pretty safe, secure and even convinced.
My SE's were definitely there. None of them were scary. Terrible insomnia mostly, for a pretty long period. I guess for maybe a few months I was a zombie. I adjusted my schedule almost every day. When it felt safe, I'd titrate no matter what schedule.
Titrating up, the 250mg/d felt like a concrete wall I had crush with my forehead only. Took me a few weeks.
I'm now at 200 mg/d and I'm 79 kilo. Planning taper to the feeling I got from 120mg/d while titrating up. Dunno where that point is now.
Low
I came from where a lot of us have been, or still are.
Drinking, vomiting, go on drinking till vomiting. Drinking as much as your body would allow you to. Then crashing and wetting the bed. The vomiting lost totally it's biological purpose ("stop what you're doing, you are poisoning your body!"), it just became another routine.
I started Bac a 3/4 months ago, don't know when anymore. My psychiatrist gave me Ameisen's book to read. We had already tried the anti-depressants and refusal (=antabuse), didn't work for me. I'd rather have the feeling of my head exploding than not to drink.
I searched for as much as possible information about the Bac as I could (understand). Finally decided to go for it and go for 'the Switch'.
I've finally titrated up to 400 mg/d for a week. At dosage of 120 mg/d I felt Bac working absolutely great. Had a good nightrest, felt better than ever and drank already a whole lot less. But, as said, I went for 'the switch'.
I've always been drinking during the journey. Believing that Bac should do the trick and there was no need for me to restrain or use my 'will'. I always kept a few cold beers in my fridge, to have no obstacles whatsoever. I thought that was consistent in the way of my approach to this therapy. "The cured addicted rats never used their will, so why should I". If I felt like getting a beer, I should be able to get one. And that was for me the proof that the brains were not 're-wired' yet.
Gradually, gradually, I started drinking less and less. Up to the point that I opened a cold beer, and actually forgot to drink. Or didn't feel like it. Well, that alone would have been a miracle just a few months ago. Now it seems hardly worth mentioning.
Also gradually. Sometimes I went to the supermarket to get me some beers. After a while I still went to the supermarket, but I returned empty-handed. So the decision-making proces seemed to normalize.
That wasn't enough for me. I wanted to reach that switch and be indifferent. Making the right choices wasn't what I was aiming for. I guess I was looking for some chemical castration of the part of my brains that I felt would still rear it's ugly head when times would get rough. And I don't ever wanna be the man I was.
The last two months I've been drinking in total, what I used to drink in one day. So I felt, something was going on. And I didn't even try a little to be abstinent! I was more focussed on reducing the SE's, by changing frequencies etc, than I was on being abstinent.
I had hoped that the switch would be a real, clear moment. It wasn't for me.
But indifference. Well, it's so hard to explain or make it clear. Hell, I can't believe it myself. Indifferent really means indifferent. Alcohol is like a woman's tampon these days. I actually forget buying/ordering it. No appeal at all. I perform a lot in bars en pubs, and I've been playing sober for a month now. I really, really couldn't care less for a drink. Even afterwards I don't care for a beer. Or when I get home. The beast has left the building. And it feels so strange. It's like there has never ever lived a beast inside me. I honestly cannot imagine the amounts of alcohol I took. Just like I cannot imagine I will return to that. Even the habitual drinking (for me: making music at home, composing music on my computer, those kinds of moments I used to drink for about 10 years or so) is gone. I tried everytime, but finally I felt no need to accompany those fine moments by alcohol anymore. Also gradually.
There are so many more examples I could give I guess. But these seem to be so self-evident now, so normal, that I can't even recall these little miracles on their own. The drinking-part seems like a million lightyears away. Like it happened to someone else.
I think I'm taking a big risk here sharing this. It's not meant to be a commitment or something. It's mostly just a snapshot atm. I'll be the first to share if the shit's coming down again. But for right now, I feel pretty safe, secure and even convinced.
My SE's were definitely there. None of them were scary. Terrible insomnia mostly, for a pretty long period. I guess for maybe a few months I was a zombie. I adjusted my schedule almost every day. When it felt safe, I'd titrate no matter what schedule.
Titrating up, the 250mg/d felt like a concrete wall I had crush with my forehead only. Took me a few weeks.
I'm now at 200 mg/d and I'm 79 kilo. Planning taper to the feeling I got from 120mg/d while titrating up. Dunno where that point is now.
Low
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