** note to any new people and/or lurkers: PLEASE do not let this thread discourage you. Even with my emotions feeling so embarrassingly raw and exposed, I would not consider quitting Bac. I have yet to personally experience a Bac SE that even comes close to the misery I've experienced as a chronic alcoholic. If anything, I've become much more tolerable to those around me. :l
Anyway, I wanted to discuss an effect of Bac use (I hesitate to call it a SE) that has become unmistakably evident to me during the last two days.
A little bac story (I'll post the tl;dr part in my bac diary thread): I had something happen yesterday that hit me VERY hard, emotionally. I burst out crying in front of a roomful of people, a couple of whom left the room in obvious embarrassment. I should add that I had a very good reason to cry, and it wasn't just some random side effect of the Bac.
What IS an effect of the Bac, I'm pretty sure, is that I haven't been able to stop crying after two days, even though the upsetting situation appears to be resolved. This exact same thing happened during the holidays, when a family-stress situation left me crying for two straight days. I just couldn't let it go.
This has led to a lot of introspection, and I've come to the conclusion that Bac heightens my emotions, good AND bad. For example:
- I'm dreading going to work (which is pretty much every day, as I dislike my job)? On Bac I feel nauseous, exhausted, crabby.
- Something upsets me? Bac doesn't mask it, nor does it lessen the effect. If anything, I find it harder to let go of the emotional reaction.
- I am meeting with someone who makes me anxious? Bac makes me feel loopy, trippy, a little disconnected. I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words.
- I have a day off, and/or I'm going to see people who make me happy? Or I hear music I love, or experience something else I find beautiful? HOLY SHIT THE WORLD IS GLORIOUS! It's like the greatest antidepressant in the world. The Bac doesn't cause euphoria in and of itself, but it does allow me to feel euphoric about the world around me. Does that make any sense?
Bac when I used to take Xanax, I used to pop a couple extra when I felt overwhelmingly emotional, like yesterday. It would do the trick of numbing me to the point of blocking my emotional responses. Or I'd, you know, drink 12 beers...or 14...or 16. The Bac doesn't do that for me. I don't think I would have stopped crying had I popped a few extra Bac. My point is that whatever I'm already feeling, the Bac makes me feel it even more. It's a bit unnerving to have my emotions underscored and exposed so strongly, but it's also somewhat freeing, in a way. I've always been extraordinarily shy/reserved, and I tended to drink away (or Xanax away) any bad feelings.
So it's not an altogether "bad" thing. I think it's the inherent nature of Bac to do this, and not something that can be chalked up to a SE.
Has anyone else experienced this? Let me know your stories! It's been such a consistent theme for my Bac experience that I can't imagine I'm the only one it's happened to. :h and :l , all!
**FINAL NOTE: While I was writing this post, the tears stopped. And just before I hit "send," I got a call from a friend who is trying to hire me for a position that I really, REALLY want, and one that I'm perfectly qualified for. I am the only person being considered for this position right now. This call came completely out of the blue...I hadn't even applied for this position! I feel as though the sky is opening up and an uncharacteristic light is shining into my life. Everything is changing for me. Everything. :h
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