Indifference.

[Guest]

Indifference.

Bleep

That's why I increased my dosing because it may be I've hit a false switch so I'm going up. With me I'm simply not prepared to risk a blip, drinking was so terrible for me personally that I'll do anything to avoid it, including resisting the urge.

Because of the stuff I'd seen you post saying you could moderate on it, and that it would be ok I'm afraid I had a "It might be ok, I can always titrate up again. The bac will stop me drinking and is my safety net." argument but because of the aforementioned impact that drinking has on my life I just didn't dare. Perhaps we are different that way, but I just am not willing to gamble.

[Murphyx]

Indifference.

I won't bother commiserating or giving you a sharp jab on the shoulder and saying "you can do it old chap, just hang on in there", because you obviously know that.

I'm wondering whether keeping at the switch dose is completely necessary. What about Ameisen's p.r.n. trick? i.e. drop down to what you're comfortable with, then if the cravings hit take a handful of pills and wait an hour. I might try this, although waiting an hour may be a toughie; willpower and Murph are not a happy match.

bleep;1059818 wrote:
My biggest regret is not taking advantage of the lower dose and having a shag! Perhaps I'm doomed to having to drop my dose, have quick shag and a mini-binge, then go back up!

Sounds like a damn good plan to me.:H

[bleep]

Indifference.

The p.r.n trick is definitely one worth trying - for now though I want to get straight bac up to IndifferentLand again, then I'll start fiddling. I hear you on the willpower front, never had much to do with it myself...

Like your sig Murph, short and to the point.

Good luck UK, I am pleased to see you posting here.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Indifference.

Good stuff, here, bleep. Glad you're bac on the bus.
The shagging will come. ha!
Your wife will like it better when you don't reek of booze, trust me on that one.

I think it's fair to say that titration up and down needs to be fully discussed and reinvestigated. We don't have the full story. I know this for sure.
Yes, the SEs are familiar friends, aren't they? I forgot to put that in my post to Red. We've spent years managing the scariest SEs imaginable from AL abuse, but we know them and know how to navigate them. When unfamiliar ones pop up from baclofen it's understandable to freak out. But they become completely manageable, too. I am being revisited by the vibration-fairy when it feels as if there is a train outside my door shaking the earth loose. I REALLY like that one. Scared the shit out of me initially though.
Power on. You're pretty damn cool, my friend.
Karen/Ne

[Isolde]

Indifference.

bleep;1059818 wrote:
Is, you're spot on, as usual - see-sawing with the dose is just a part of the process. If 180mg's did it for you, I would tentatively suggest there isn't much point in going higher, based on Red's post?

I was actually pretty indifferent at 140 and 160, but wanted to push the envelope and take it all the way up to 180, "just to be sure". And I'm really glad I did. I definitely didn't feel the need to go higher than that. As it was, I'd only planned to stay at 180 for 3 days, because of the intensity, but ended up sticking it out for a week.

I think UKB makes some really good recommendations with also using whatever tools we have in our arsenal, in addition to the bac. The great thing about bac is the easy indifference. But now with what we know about switch and maintenance doses, and that we will probably need to stay at higher levels than we previously anticipated... well, I'm thinking more about going down to a maintenance dose where the SEs are more manageable, the bac still provides a lot of help, if not COMPLETE indifference, and then using what's in my own toolbox in addition to make sure I don't fall back into my old habits.
And I know that I'll always have bac to fall bac on! :H I'll certainly never hesitate to increase the dose if I feel like I need to!

I've been going down 10mgs every 2 days, but now I've had 2 days at 140 and am actually feeling good today, basking in the beautiful bac glow again. And I'm thinking I might hang out here a little bit longer before continuing to go down.

This is certainly quite the learning experience for all of us! There have been plenty of people that hit the switch prior to this current crew, but it feels like we're breaking new ground w/what we now know about the elusive "maintenance dose".

Keep the discourse coming people, this is good stuff!

[Lo0p]

Indifference.

Isolde;1060048 wrote: This is certainly quite the learning experience for all of us! There have been plenty of people that hit the switch prior to this current crew, but it feels like we're breaking new ground w/what we now know about the elusive "maintenance dose".

I don't want to sound like a know-it-all because in the everlasting overwhelmingly grand scheme of things I don't know sh$t, but this is not news to me. I've been at or above my switch dose for a year. You can see the binge type drinking I got myself into after I backed off the switch dose in my graph.

edit: well, now looking at it I can hardly call it "binge drinking" but I was still drinking.

[bleep]

Indifference.

Lo0p, could you superimpose your baclofen dose over those graphs, that would be really interesting to see...

[Lo0p]

Indifference.

This is the best I can do for now:



That first 150 was my first day EVER.

On into December and January it was 200...maybe? guessing.

I started relapsing after that in April or so at around 150. 300+ absolutely works for me now.

[Lo0p]

Indifference.

Every time I post this graph I feel a twinge of shame/guilt over what could happen if someone tried to follow my path. I was suicidal at the time, "dead anyway" was my state of mind.

Here, this might help paint the picture:



The night is always darkest just before dawn


This is an entry from my journal, and it is one of the darkest hours in my life. It was a day or two after I got out of jail and a day or two before my life changed forever. It's memories like these that seem so long ago right now that when I read them I might as well be reading someone else's journal. But at the same time, I will never, ever forget them.

Me wrote: October 23, 2009:

I still drank last night. I've taken 250 mgs so far today, with quite a bit more wooziness and some mild visual hallucinations, but nothing too bothersome. Haven't drank yet...jury's still out on that one. I can't attribute it to the baclofen yet but I noticed that about an hour after I took a larger dose the overwhelming suicidal feelings/thoughts I have suffered at least every 10 waking minutes for a long time now seemed to disappear. But...then they started to creep back in the evening so I got drunk.

I was walking to the gas station down the street last night to get a bottle of wine (I was already wasted) and a car was coming in the opposite direction. They sped up and swerved just a tiny bit in my direction. I thought they were speeding up and swerving in my direction to scare me. Now sober, I know they were just speeding up because they were turning onto the highway that I was walking on and just lost the grip on the wheel a bit while they gassed it. I got angry and, glaring through the windshield at the driver, charged the car, running straight toward it as fast as I could. I had a vision of diving head first into their windshield and my brain being splattered all over it. I can't explain it other than to say that I was thinking: "You think you can scare me motherfucker? I would fucking welcome whatever you think you could do to me" They swerved away and sped off. I ended up on my ass in the middle of the highway. My ankle might be broken, or sprained quite severely. Either way it's probably a good thing I can't really walk right now.

If you are out there, if you are listening, please send me an angel. I really need one right now. I feel like I am in the twilight of my life. I want to die and I am not afraid.

[Lo0p]

Indifference.

Two nights after that(if I have the dates right), was the very first night I fell asleep sober in as long as I can remember.

I drank 2.5 units. 1/2 a bottle of wine. And I was fucking staring at the other half AND the unopened one next to it when I hit "one of" my switches. I really didn't want it.

I cried.

Then slept, and woke up the next day.

[taw]

Indifference.

Wow! amazing! simply amazing! Thanks Lo0p...you have given me hope again!

[Lo0p]

Indifference.

I never saw her, but I guess my angel did come. What I did see was that my demon's days were numbered. Finally, a light, ever so dim after forever in my dark, dark world. Maybe that was her.

[gratitude]

Indifference.

fuck loop that is intense. made me choke up a bit.
I was in a hotel room in the desert praying ( and I don't really believe in that) after I had thoughts of going head on with an 18 wheeler. I couldn't take it anymore. the - I can't drink anymore and I can't stop. so I pulled off the road and into a motel. of course I was drinking at the time. in the car. fuck. I feel ya brother. and I'm happy for you.

[Isolde]

Indifference.

Lo0p;1060053 wrote: I don't want to sound like a know-it-all because in the everlasting overwhelmingly grand scheme of things I don't know sh$t, but this is not news to me. I've been at or above my switch dose for a year. You can see the binge type drinking I got myself into after I backed off the switch dose in my graph.

I don't know why I didn't know this. Probably because I'm a literal, word-loving person, and while the graph is pretty and impressive, I didn't get that info. out of it. Which is why I asked over in NE's thread just where the heck you're at with your bac dose now.
Maybe you do have the information (in words!) somewhere around here, but maybe you've been at/around the same dose for so long now that you don't feel the need to keep talking about it. Or maybe I just missed it somehow up until now, which is entirely possible as well.

In any case, glad you are jumping in now that the rest of us are just starting to figure it out. Where was this input as we were all talking about hitting the switch and dropping down to a maintenance dose or when we'd first gotten word that Dr. L was starting to say that the switch IS the maintenance dose? Love the exercise talk and (especially) the Tool talk, but don't forget keeping up with the bac talk - not everyone knows your story. :l

[bleep]

Indifference.

Thanks Lo0p. Some insightful posts. Not always easy to post stuff like that. The light doesn't have to be bright, provided it's there. Which clearly it was...