Indifference.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Indifference.

Awfully quiet over here, Bleep.

[bleep]

Indifference.

Indeed neva - everyone seems to have a lot going on, both good and bad, so I've been busy elsewhere! I had planned a careful down titration schedule, all thought out and stuff, just started it, and thought "fuck it, it worked going up", so I just took 2 pills every 2 hours instead of three. Immediate increase in sleep, which resulted in taking fewer doses, so I went from 300/330mg's down to about 180mg's overnight.

I can't feel any SE's at all, which is strange after so long of feeling slightly weird. Very pleasant though, and as I say, my sleep seems to have improved dramatically. I had to be woken up for work this morning for the first time since this adventure began. What a pleasure it was.

Am watching with eagle eyes to see if I suddenly feel like drinking, so far so good, so I'll give it a couple more days at this level to give my brain time to adjust, then go down further and see what happens.

I manage to get drunk on Friday night, but it took a lot of effort and determination, and wasn't even pleasant. We were at a party, and I dragged Mrs Bleep home once I realised I had succeeded in my mission. I was disappointed - I was enjoying the party, and suddenly realised I was drunk, which is something that would have given me great delight in the past, and fueled more trips to the bar until the early hours. Now I just thought "Great, what a turkey, a good party, and you've blown it by getting pissed. Get to bed fool." I don't think I'll be doing that again in a hurry. Mrs Bleep too, was disappointed, she was just getting into the swing of things, and was most horrified to be cut short. She's not quite used to this!

Funnily though, it took less than 2 bottles of wine to get me pissed, which normally I would consider a nice warm-up for the evening. Maybe it was the 2 weeks previously, where I hadn't drunk much at all that did it. Haven't drunk since then.

It is a strange and different person who looks back at me in the mirror. Is summed it up perfectly in her Baclofen Song thread. I like the guy who looks back at me, and wonder where he's been all this time. Looking forward to getting to know him a little better.

[Guest]

Indifference.

You said you got yourself drunk, but elsewhere you say you aren't bothered about drinking?That it really doesn't bother you, and you might have the odd glass but that's it.

I'm not sure I understand here, since it's just wasted if you aren't bothered about it surely?Especially after all your struggles.

[bleep]

Indifference.

Let me try explain UK...

For the most part, I am not too bothered about about drinking anymore. There are times, however, that I miss the release that being drunk offered. Friday night was one such time, I thought it would be nice to get pissed. I thought it academically though, it wasn't the deep, soul-crushing need it normally was. It was almost exactly "Hey, it's Friday night. That's a night I normally get pissed on. We are out, in a social situation where I would normally get pissed. Ergo, I'll get pissed."

As soon as I actually got pissed, I regretted it, and stopped drinking. I had ruined the night, and just wanted to go home and go to bed to sober up. I was able, for the first time in my life, to realise that being drunk isn't my holy grail anymore, that it actually is unpleasant, so from that perspective, the evening was a success. I can't see myself getting drunk anytime soon, for any reason, because it's no longer fun.

I needed to get drunk to realise this though, and I knew it would have to happen sooner or later. From my posts, you may have noticed I don't see the point in waiting around much, and so I just went and did it...

Bear in mind that I never had the goal of abstinence in mind, as this gives one a very different viewpoint from which to approach this whole puzzle.

Does this help in any way? (This whole post, and a couple of others no longer make sense, as people have deleted their posts. I hate it when people do that!)

[Guest]

Indifference.

I think so, I would say however that just going and doing it is often a big way in which drinkers do go and drink again and a way I've often relapsed myself.

I mostly drank for effect and I do miss that effect, but I don't miss the consequences.

[bleep]

Indifference.

Having had the effect recently for the first time in a few weeks, I can't even say I miss the effect anymore. I need to find some other way of getting a release, but I don't know what that will be. Still, it's a minor problem.

[Grommet]

Indifference.

Bleep, have you found the release in the, um, other area of you life? If not, therein may lie the problem.

[Guest]

Indifference.

Yes some male heroine addicts going through rehab once told me they used that method of 'escape' whenever they felt stressed.

[gratitude]

Indifference.

bleep,
that's interesting. I drank for the RELIEF. is that the same? I wonder if on BAC i would no longer get that? I guess it was relief from anxiety so maybe that will go away.

[bleep]

Indifference.

gratitude, I never realised I needed relief from anything, until one day shortly in to my baclofen journey, something wasn't there anymore. I have been trying to work out what it is - anxiety doesn't seem right, I suppose tension would be the most appropriate word I've come across. As I say, all my life I thought it was normal, and then it was gone, a wonderful feeling, so drinking now isn't an escape anymore, there's nothing I need to escape from.

Grommet, no. I can't say anymore without bursting in to tears.

[bleep]

Indifference.

Hmmm.

So I dropped down to 180/190mg's, rapidly from 330ish. I notice that indifference is already a relative term. It's slightly easier to drink at this level than it is at the higher levels. I don't really have time for a complete update, I just wanted to put this out there and see what people thought, or if anyone has noticed this.

Is it perhaps caused by a too rapid down titration, or just a too big a jump? Am I doomed (relatively speaking, of course) to take 360mg's every day?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Indifference.

okay, so you found the Dr. L thread, with all that incredible info from Red. I'm not sure the 'heights' are the issue in your case (or in mine, I hope) but maybe the depths to which you went down... There's a lot of difference between 340mg and 150mg or wherever. And this is very new to you.
240 is an 'important' level, too. It's what I'm hoping to aim for. Seems manageable for me in terms of SEs and won't mean I'm taking the North American supply of bac on a weekly basis.
Anyway, I'm sure you've decided to go up, hope you'll give your cerebellum a little time to adjust? And let us know how it goes.
I know Illinois is a looooong way from Harare, but omg, I'd love to meet you! Please try to make it!
K/Ne

[bleep]

Indifference.

Hi neva,

Funnily enough, I posted this just before seeing Red's amazing update. I'm hoping my switch was somewhere lower, just hidden in the numbers because of a rapid titration. we'll have to see. One of the hidden downsides to titrating up so rapidly, is that I don't actually know where my switch was. Still, small price to pay.

I have gone up, will go back to 360/400 and slowly go down from there to see where I can safely lurk. Like you, I don't want to singelhandedly be responsible for consuming all the baclofen in the country!

Would be great to meet all of the people here, I hope to, one day!

[Grommet]

Indifference.

Bleep/Neva, I'm starting to think there may not be a number to put on it. Which is cool in my book.

There may be long periods of time when you are on a low dose maintenance, and others where you have to march back up the hill to beat the bitch* back down. While I haven't hit indifference, I feel empowered for the first time because the Pez works and I'll always have it when I need it.

* note: please don't be insulted by my use of this term to describe alcoholism. No disrespect to women. I think of it as how seafarers refer to the ocean - something powerful, uncontrollable, unpredictable (and in the feminine). Oh and Bleep/Neva, this note was not meant for you, just others that may be strolling by

[gratitude]

Indifference.

bleep,
I think you nailed it. tension. sometimes mine escalated into anxiety. sometimes not. most of the time just an underlying pervasive tension. thanks.