Bruun's Titting UP

[Doggygirl]

Bruun's Titting UP

Hi Bruun. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling right now. Sounds like you are changing up some things and I think that's good. Never stop. Keep trying.

My favorite doc who helped me so much with my thyroid and also bioidentical stuff is now doing HCG herself and with patients. One of the things that makes her such an interesting doctor is that the stuff she is good at treating is stuff she suffered from herself, and took it upon herself within her profession to figure out how to best treat it.

Come to think of it, too bad she's not an alkie. She would come up with some good stuff there.

I hope the return to HCG helps you on all fronts.

DG

[Bruunhilde]

Bruun's Titting UP

AF Day 1

I hear you DG, I often think of all the research we do on our own "situations" - RJ is a prime example of how good we can be at it, and if we were doctors, you know we'd be rockin' the alternative therapies for AL.

Red, thanks so much for your kindness, it goes a long way, my friend.

Murph, stopped the gabapentin because with the bac I was dangerous dizzy and felt it wasn't working on my cravings anymore. I think it will be a stop-gap med for me, used on and off as it proves effective.

I hit bottom today, I lied my way out of my own belated bday dinner with two good friends, friends I had to think super long and hard to come up with a believable lie because I've canceled on them both before due to same same. Who am I kidding? I came up with an ingenious lie amazingly quickly, considering my altered state, because I'm so experienced at it. Walk of shame, path of tears, whatever this road, it is rocky right now.

So hung over I popped the anti-diarrheal hourly to keep from vomiting up my stomach lining, weird pains behind my left rib all morning, right side all afternoon, couldn't sleep, couldn't just lie there, had to distract my mind from the pain. I bought gin last night, in a Friday of vacation week is over panic. Almost like I wanted to seal my fate before work started again on another AL week, I wanted to hit the wall and boy did I pay. And ironically I finished _A Piece of Cake_ while going through this day. I don't know how that woman lived through that life, but what balls she has. I'm humbled, my efforts redoubled.

Murph and bleep, thanks for the education. Shy buggars eh? Maybe that explains sagtits too.

[bleep]

Bruun's Titting UP

Sorry to hear it Bruun.

Maybe look at your recent successes, and try and figure out what was working so well? You seemed to be on top of it for a while, so look to that.

You'll do this Bruun.

[RudyB]

Bruun's Titting UP

bruun! so sorry to hear about your struggles. i have nothing helpful to add, but i am here thinking of you and wishing you well. stay strong, woman.

love,
rudy b

[Doggygirl]

Bruun's Titting UP

Bruun, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. Lying to bosses / friends / family to "get out of" obligations so I could stay home and drink / nurse a hangover was my endless loop for the last several many years of my drinking. I know exactly how shitty it feels physically, emotionally and spiritually to be in that place.

Please keep fighting with every inch of your being for your sobriety one moment at a time. You deserve it.

DG

[Bruunhilde]

Bruun's Titting UP

Thanks guys,

These posts must seem an endless loop of garbage, same same same. I hesitate to post any of it, but I do because I'm trying to be honest and open at least somewhere about my path.

Back at work today, struggling with that and AF Day 3. I'm still wrung out but steady physically. Can't say I'm steady emotionally/mentally but that will come. Just trying to keep my blinkers on so I don't spook along the trail today.

[Doggygirl]

Bruun's Titting UP

Bruun, I also know exactly how you feel about not wanting to come here to MWO and post an endless loop of early struggles and repeats. I made the mistake of basically disappearing for the most part when I was struggling. And that did NOT help me!! So I hope you will keep coming back here and posting every day no matter what!!!!!

Good going on Day 3. I remember how crap this feels. What helped me hang in there at some point was just being so sick of going through Day 1, Day 2, Day 3 over and over and over that I finally just wanted to be done with it and move on.

Do whatever you gotta do to just get through the day and no drink, OK? There is plenty of time later on to worry about how to make it easier, more fun, etc. For now just try to hang on - whatever it takes.

:l:h:l

DG

[Bruunhilde]

Bruun's Titting UP

DG, looooooooove you to pieces! :l:l That was just the right thing to say, to help me know I'm still moving ahead on the road to recovery, and that all is not lost. Don't worry, I can't drink, my stomach won't take it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Bruun's Titting UP

Ha. Once again DG nails it all. Have you read her thread? I have to admit I've only read parts of it, but it's just as profound as, well, as she is today. Probably you have, and I'm just late to the party.
And oy, the determination is impressive.
(sorry to talk about you like you're not here, DG.) :H

Still with you in whatever way I can offer, Bruun. Still admiring your determination, persistence, and your thoughts about the whole experience.
:l
(also, I completely concur about the disappearing act being counterproductive. It helped me a great deal to reach out, especially when I was in that place of feeling as though I was writing the same damn thing every time. We're here. I'm glad you are.)

[RudyB]

Bruun's Titting UP

yep, bruun. ditto to what the wise ones say. keep posting. someday you may read it all and feel extra thanks for the place of serenity you'll be in. today, you can purge here and get the needed support. we've all been there in one form or another. no judgement, just support here at mwo. we love you!

[Bruunhilde]

Bruun's Titting UP

Awwwww. I can't believe I didn't see these all yesterday. I was looking all over the threads for things to read and write to keep me distracted. Or focused. Unsure of anything really, except I'm tired and loopy and trying to figure out how to get out of vacation-head-mode and back into work week mode. Also hangover mode into normal person mode.

I did spend some time reading through the first ten pages or so of my thread, from the first post on. It was good to have on record, to see where I've been and where I'm at now are two different, or maybe a dozen different places in the road. Forward, and back, forward and back. Mostly forward and then I got to the place where I started failing alot and I knew that there was just more of the same ahead so I had to stop reading. It disheartened me.

Your encouragement Rudy, DG, and Ne is really important right now. I feel pretty wrung out and I just want to crawl into bed and never talk to anyone or be awake again. Not talking suicide, just escape and pure freedom. I would never commit suicide except if I never stop drinking but I'm feeling pretty sure I'll get there, to AF town, sometime. Or at least mostly AF. I may slip and fall but I won't fall face down into the muck and stay so long that I stop breathing. I won't do that to my family and friends. I hope!
:heart:
I have my angels around me. Its such a warmer place knowing I have you guys to lean on, to understand my situation so much more deeply than anyone I ever talk to outside of MWO ever could. Not even AA could be there for me, due to the meds I take, and their requirement for those twelve steps. I could see doing maybe nine or ten but not that whole twelve!
:loveyou:

By the way, is it crazy that I contemplate going to AA for the potential hook-up scene? To find someone who could understand and relate and be commited to being AF would be great, but if they would, by AA rules, require we all broadcast it to the world, I would not be cool with that. Maybe we should have MWO Local Sections, where we could hook up within 50miles monthly. Hmmmmm. Am I alone in thinking like this? LL?

[Murphyx]

Bruun's Titting UP

Bruunhilde;1164450 wrote: Maybe we should have MWO Local Sections, where we could hook up within 50miles monthly. Hmmmmm. Am I alone in thinking like this? LL?

LL? LadyLush? You want to hook up with LadyLush? FANTASTIC! Take lots of pics and some video would be nice and post it up. Well done Bruun, I wholly approve.

[LadyLush]

Bruun's Titting UP

Murph,
I think she met Laugh Loudly because she knew you'd be around the bend to answer!

I actually think that is a grand idea Bruun!
We can meet at Starbucks and get on our computers and terrorize other MWO members.:H
and of course send pictures to Murph.


Love everyone,
LL:l

[SlipperyPete]

Bruun's Titting UP

Like Murph, I fully condone Lush and B engaging in some 13th stepping. :goodjob:

[Doggygirl]

Bruun's Titting UP

Bruun!!!! Hello friend. How are you today? Reading back old posts is an interesting perspective, isn't it? You have come a LOOOONG way and it's really proof that you CAN get sober and stay sober. Why on earth would you want to settle for being stuck in a rut of being AF a little while, then drinking and starting this whole shite process over again????? I wouldn't want you to settle for a little dick boyfriend any more than I would want you to settle for some limbo land of being stuck halfway between drunk and sober. And I don't wish that for just ANYBODY. You are SPECIAL!!!!!!

A lot of misinformation flies around about AA so I feel an obligation to speak to a couple of points. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. That's it. The 12 steps are suggested but not required. I know people who have been sitting in meetings and making sober friends, etc. for years and have never gotten a sponsor or taken a step. Just sayin'. Not suggesting you go - just tossing that out there so you can have all the facts. Not sure what you meant about shouting things from mountain tops so won't guess about that unless you wish you clarify and WANT comment on that. As far as "hooking up" I don't know that I would suggest it as "HOOKING UP" in the Murph sense of it. I mean, Charlie Sheen is really funny and I would think good looking if he didn't look like one of my brothers. But I wouldn't want that hookup. :H As far as finding friends who totally understand what living with alcoholism is like.....got that in spades.

How are you doing today? Hey - you mentioned wanting to go to bed and not talk to anybody. I did a LOT of that in the early days. Right after dinner I just went to bed. Would watch TV and then fall asleep and then have restless sleep, etc. But there was no drinking in bed so that worked for me.

YOU CAN DO THIS. Don't settle for some half assed version of AFness. You deserve the VERY BEST.

DG