Sassy's bac journey

[RudyB]

Sassy's bac journey

hi sassy,
don't think i've posted here before. you have my total empathy on the domestic front. that's gotta suck! what mog said, i can't imagine managing what you are doing so well, it seems.

i left my husband when our son was almost 3. we had been married for about five years and i was sure he would never change. he is not much of a drinker, but he is a narcissist (prick), emotion-deprived man. he thinks his messes are GREAT! and he never fully finishes any project. the operative part of this narrative is that i knew he would not change, so i cut it off, early and quick. i guess that would be a question i'd ask myself in your shoes: will he ever change? am i willing to put up with this behavior indefinietly? obviously you have enough on your plate such that you shouldn't necessarily try to grapple with and answer these questions right now. but there's no harm in putting a little bug in your own ear about it, give yourself permission to consider options. and, if you're ready to grapple, then grapple!

also, i have the hands thing. and the mania. bleep said that these things preceeded his switch. i'm hoping that might be a suggesstion of a prognosis for me... i'm feeling no urgency around drinking, but the habit is dying hard!

best of luck. i'll check back here to see how you're doing. keep your chin up. and great luck to you.
xoxo rudy

[Murphyx]

Sassy's bac journey

Why do women always think they can change men? If he acts like a prick now, he will still be acting like a prick in the future.

Sassy, I'm sure your husband has a lot of good characteristics, otherwise you wouldn't have married him in the first place (assuming it wasn't a forced marriage), but the way he's treating your son! WTF? I guess you have to consider the long term effect on the boy. Can you really expect the husband to change the way he relates to your son? If not then...

[RudyB]

Sassy's bac journey

btw: i've never ever regretted my decision to leave him. i'm just sorry that i married a man of his nature, except that he helped give me an exceptional son.

[ignominious]

Sassy's bac journey

Hi Sassy, I think the way you fielded your husbands question at breakfast was real and reasonable. Atm you are going through some fairly major changes yourself so I would be wary of causing other changes/ultimatums until you are more surer of where you are with regards bac, alcohol and life.

Tell him about the bac, it's not something that he can control or have a say in I presume; so maybe he wont like it at first but I would expect him to be relieved that there is a reason for the changes he's seen in you but hasn't been able to mention.

Good luck to you, I think you will handle things admirably. Bac can give us extra helpings of compassion. Feel a bit like I'm sticking my nose in ... but you did ask!

[bleep]

Sassy's bac journey

Wow, you certainly have a full plate Sassy. Dealing with high dose baclofen is bad enough in a vacuum. I am shite enough at these situations that I really don't feel I should offer advice here but one thing seems to stand out - High dose baclofen and alcoholism don't leave much room for anything else. Reach indifference, then deal with everything. Being indifferent to alcohol for the first time in your life lends everything a perspective that will prove invaluable when you have it. Hubby definitely needs some thing said to him, but perhaps it can wait a little?

Your son sounds like a real ally in all of this. If he is aware of your struggle with alcohol, perhaps make him aware of your struggle with baclofen? Don't know how you feel about this though?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sassy's bac journey

Morning, sassity lass.
You've got an awfully full plate.
I can relate.
Here's the thing:
What Ig said.
Focus. It's hard enough to focus on anything at high high-dose-bac levels. If hubs is going to find baclofen and your efforts a threat (and I'm thinking he will) then he needs to be kept in the dark. Bac is a need-to-know thing, in my experience. Enough things to undermine it without someone trying to control it.

I've got no other advice, but I will say this, and would shout it if I thought it would help:

Any discipline that has to be given behind closed doors is discipline to be very, very wary of.

Your son is not your ally. He's a kid. You are his only advocate. What is your husband saying to him that can't be said in front of you?

Stay the course, Sass. You've got it in you and I can promise you that the rest will be illuminated when you have found indifference. Really. That's a PROMISE. And sister, you are very close.
:l:l:l
Ne

[SassyLassy]

Sassy's bac journey

Update

I have been feeling so puffy and uncomfortable,plus I feel like I need to move around a lot. That yawn thing in the back of my throat? Now it's like my body craves a yawn or a stretch almost constantly. Keeps me from falling asleep at night, though.

Plus, I have felt unsafe driving, and wiped out by 5PM. I think when I changed to the 20 mg tabs, and then changed my dosing pattern, I was loaded up on Bac to the point of nearly OD'ing by 5pm. No way to live.

I backed down to 260 Friday, 240 mg yesterday and today. I must be able to function! I bought some Diurex yesterday, which has Pamabrom, 50mg. Had one yesterday, one this morning.

Had a decent day Saturday - gym, shopping, new outfit w/shoes. Manicure/pedicure. Is that treating myself enough?:thumbs:

We were supposed to go out to dinner with another couple Sat evening, but wires got crossed and he had made plans with his parents while she had made plans with us. So hubbie and I went out to one of the nicest restaurants in town. Had a good meal, and I had 2 glasses of white wine to go with lobster/scallops/lemon risotto. We each ordered dessert, and he ordered an additional glass of wine with his. Normally, I'd be the one having wine for dessert. Seriously. But it wasn't that important to me, and I figured I'd be driving. Signs of a switch?

Had no booze last night at all. Made a spicy chicken with peanut sauce stir fry, and iced green tea with citrus & ginger fit the bill. Hubbie had brought home a bottle of white, though I'd told him I wasn't going to drink because I've been feeling so off physically. It was a little hard watching him go through the ritual of drinking, but there was a wine glass set at my spot, and I put it away, had water, iced tea. Treated myself to an ice cream bar after dinner to make up for the sugar I was missing. Hey, one demon for another, right?

Summary: AF nights Monday, Thursday and Sunday this past week. Al doesn't taste that great, and I don't have a private stash, nor have I, in over a week. My usual habit of picking up a box of wine at the grocery store doesn't even cross my mind.

As usual, I doubt my successes and amplify my "failures"...how do you REALLY know when you've hit the switch?

I physically can't tolerate the level of bac I was up to - 280 was as high as I got.

[SassyLassy]

Sassy's bac journey

Did I drop too fast?? I am SO WIRED and antsy and can't sit still and am just WIRED!

Didn't drink today, at all...actually thought about it to take the edge off, but that's not the answer. Just took my evening bac dose, so only had 220 mg today. Took some melatonin, but not sure that's going to help. WTF?

I scared my husband - I think- by my pacing and cleaning in the kitchen after dinner. Too much activity for him. I'm afraid I won't sleep tonight.

[SassyLassy]

Sassy's bac journey

Coming Clean

Don't know what exactly led to this, but I told Hubbie about Bac tonight. He was feeling all large and in charge, had a closing on some real estate he and his brothers own, and all 3 were there. Came home, wanted steak and a "tiny toonie", meaning plenty of gin.

OK, in case you haven't followed, I had been up to 280mg/bac per day, and was likely close to my switch, but was having major SE's- unsafe to drive home from work, edema, 10 lbs of water weight, major night sweats, muscle issues that kept me awake 1/2 the night.

So, I titrated down, and am now at 180 mg. Of course, drinking is all the easier. And it almost feels like "home" again, with hubbie getting all ginned up, then wine with dinner, etc etc. But I just started telling him. Dr. in Chicago helping me. Probably the drug that helps me not want to drink is making me retain water. But I asked him, did he feel a loss, like where did his honey go that used to like to drink with him? Did he know I had a private stash of booze so that he couldn't "control" my drinking?

In the end, it was a lot for him to take in. He feels like I've kept a pretty significant part of my life from him, and wonders why. He wants me to tell him what I want, i.e. never drink again, drink twice a week, whatever. I told him I couldn't do that, because then he'd be in control. Am I weird? If I wanted support reaching any other goal, I'd enlist him. But I don't want to have to have a private stash because he doesn't bring something home from the store and I've changed my mind.

Maybe it's ME that doesn't want to be held accountable...

[ignominious]

Sassy's bac journey

Sounds like you're 'telling it like it is' Sassy and no one could ask for more.

He has no right to demand certainties from you when you are still in the process of making your mind up. This is familiar behavior for him, to be able to put everything neatly in its box. He probably thinks that this is the ultimate expression of his love: that he is able to take care of everything for the good of every one.

Stick to your guns but understand that 'though this hard on you it may be just as hard on him on a different emotional level. He may see it as you not wanting to accept his love, try to be honest to yourself and him, I can't see a better way of coping with. Good luck

[moglor]

Sassy's bac journey

One thing that I've noticed here is that people in long-term relationships which were built on foundations of alcohol have to rethink and rediscover those relationships in sobriety. I'm not really one to talk, but all I can suggest is: don't be afraid to accept that the nature of your relationship with your husband may change due to your sobriety. Keep always in your mind that your #1 priority needs to be getting sober and staying sober. Let us know how things progress!

[redhead77]

Sassy's bac journey

Hi Sassafras,

I know you're not a plant, but I've always wanted to call you this. I won't make it a habit. I haven't posted on your thread in a while, because I didn't want to "project". Regarding, the husband that is. I had to spend some time thinking about your situation. Feeling out what I think is going on. The other thing I should say before I write more, I have learned to be very careful to say to others (my friends), anything negative regarding their marriage. It's that unwritten rule. If you say something, and they stay, it can affect your friendship in the long run. If you don't say anything, they think you don't care. That's the tough one. I've decided, I don't want you to think I don't care. I do.

I see so many similarities in our marriages. He was a control freak. A mean one. He drank too much. I drank more. When I first started drinking more, I talked to him about it. I told him I was worried about my drinking. He said there was nothing to be worried about. He didn't want to lose his drinking buddy, I think. When it got worse, he did say things to me. I was already worried, so I immediately did something about it. I quit and started going to AA. He got upset about this too. He didn't think I needed to go there "with those people". He also felt I "wasn't fun anymore". Who is fun in early white knuckling sobriety? I didn't want to be there either, but I had to quit drinking. He said, I should drink, but just be able to stop. Duh! This would be a goal for anyone...who doesn't have a DISEASE. So he thought I should drink, but on his terms. Everything was on his terms.

The children and our household. The hours before he would come home from work (when he had or maintained a job), were filled with horrible tension. For me and for the kids. We never knew what to expect when he got home. If he had a couple drinks after work, we may get the nice guy. If not, he would probably come home as the tyrannt. I would cook delicious homemade dinners every night (they would take me hours). He would come home and start up about the toys in the family room. The kids had played with, while I was cooking. There wasn't a day he didn't find something or many things wrong. He was very hard on the kids. He never accepted that they are children, and would act like children. Not miniature adults. It was stifling to everyone's spirit. His discipline style was authoratarian or maybe I should say totalatarian. I'm authoratative. We had constant battles regarding my lack of discipline, in his mind. The children have been thriving since he's been gone. Outside of the times he was still here and not seeing them. We had even worse stuff in this household where he was concerned.

I'm a little worried you told him about the bac. I think he may guilt trip you, as it sounds like he's already doing. What should you do about this? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Stay put. Deal with him the best you can. Take the damn pills, and don't let him stop you. Don't let him control how you get sober, and if you get sober. If he stops letting you take the pills...then scratch the above. Do something about it. In the meantime, try to make life as peaceful as he will let you, while you get sober. Be prepared. I have a feeling the dynamic of your marriage will get worse, after you are sober (as Moglor indicated). This could jeopordize your sobriety in a big sense. Don't worry about it now. You will know what to do, if and when the time comes. When you're not so vulnerable, with the quitting drinking thing, you can sit him down and have a heart to heart about the problems. Truthfully, I don't think he will change. I also don't take divorce lightly, and saving a marriage is worth the difficulty trying.

My thoughts for you would be to get sober. Spend some time there. If things with him get too bad, you could always do a trial separation, while you worked on it. Then put all your energy into working on the marriage. But at the same time, expect him to put all his energy into working on himself. If he doesn't change...well you know what I would say.

I know you may not have all the problems I did. I do see many, many similarities. I see in you a beautiful woman, who has her wings clipped. So much of what you do, is to either make him happy, or keep him from getting upset. I think it is of utmost importance to try to make our partner happy. Not at the cost of personal growth, though. He should want you to be the best you can be. You'll be all the better, as his wife. What I find the most alarming, about what you wrote, is that he doesn't notice you popping pills all day. Or notice that you are drinking, from your private stash, while he is not. Where is he? In his head? I don't see that he is present with you. It's like you're invisible.

Okay, I hope this post hasn't been brutal, or too open, or too honest (from where I stand). I just couldn't hold it back anymore Sassafras. What I think you should take out of all of it is to jkttdps. Don't let anyone stop you, or challenge your need to do this.

Love and hugs, sister. :l

[SassyLassy]

Sassy's bac journey

Ok, let's set the marital drama aside...I need to decide whether I can/should go back up in Bac dosing. I still have edema, and I'm not sure if I should go and have my kidneys/liver functions tested, or screw the testing and just go bac up and hopefully reach the switch without too much add'l water weight gain, or should I just get off the Bac for now? Get healthy again, lose some weight, and white knuckle my way without A?

It's the witching hour, and hubbie went to his store to "check in"...not sure what he'll bring home. Probably nothing. I should've kept my mouth shut.

Sassy

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sassy's bac journey

Yes, all else aside, Sassy. That's the question.

The answer depends on you and what your goal is. If it's indifference I would suggest you get your liver/kidneys tested and take the pills until you are indifferent to alcohol.

Actually, perhaps the tests should be done anyway? I'll let the medicos answer that.

:l
Ne

[moglor]

Sassy's bac journey

If you think you should have your liver/kidney function tested, you should. Even if for no other reason, when you quit/reduce drinking, you can go back later and see how your values have improved. Worst case, you find out that you have problems that need addressing.