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**seeking_serenity** · February 2, 2011, 10:15 PM

Sassy's bac journey

Thanks, Sassy!:h I am SO heartened that you found my story inspiring! I read over my whole thread yesterday, and it's such a disjointed "story" (and a story which has not yet reached its conclusion).

Anyway, I'm glad you called Dr. L and will be starting this journey. I feel like a different person than I was only two short months ago. It can only get better!

Keep posting and keep letting us know how it goes! I think you'll find a remarkable change in a very short time. :l :h

**bleep** · February 2, 2011, 10:18 PM

Sassy's bac journey

Hi Sassy.

Good luck! And welcome.

You have your baclofen, you've spoken to the doctor, you are in the right place - all the ingredients for a successful road trip. The rest is up to you. Try not to get too caught up in the SE's, and you'll be fine.

Again, good luck!

**Sunnyvalenting** · February 3, 2011, 01:38 AM

Sassy's bac journey

Welcome, I hope it works as well for you as it did for me.
Good Luck
Sunny

**doyourdream** · February 3, 2011, 01:50 AM

Sassy's bac journey

[QUOTE=SassyLassy;1053273]I did it...I called Dr. L tonight. I had ordered Bac about 6 months ago from an online pharm, but was scared by the side effects. I wanted to try Topa, and when I called my dr., an opening just magically opened up the next morning. Long story short, did Topa for 3-4 months, not much effect. I did the supplements as well, and I think they help, so I'm sticking with Milk Thistle (liver) and Evening Primrose oil. We'll see.

I'm curious what you experienced with the Topa for 3-4 months. I just started on it 2 weeks ago. I'm surprised by your lack of results after 3-4 months. What dosage did you get up to? I hope I get better results than you!

BTW, you'll love the IUD - at least I do.

**Ne/Neva Eva** · February 3, 2011, 09:19 AM

Sassy's bac journey

2008 study on topa? Dangerous long term SEs/lack of efficacy. I don't know what I'm talking about, but it's in OA's book.

Sassy, yw! Lots of positive role models here, ftr. (Serenity inspires me, too! Moglor, for me atm.) The GOOD dr. (

bruun) rocks, doesn't he?

Is it the mirena? Saw my gyn yesterday, got cleared for a new one. It is... better than aspirin, imho. (41, keep expecting them to tell me not to worry! Tests show otherwise. Yikes!)
:l

**SassyLassy** · February 3, 2011, 10:31 AM

Sassy's bac journey

DYD, not sure why Topa didn't "take" for me. I probably didn't give it enough time, drank over it, etc. There were times I felt it was working, but generally no. Had minor SE's, tingling feet, but no big deal.

Neva, yes, it's the Mirena. Haven't seen a bill for it yet-supposedly my insurance covers it, but we'll see.

I'll post more later as I get further in this journey. Thanks for the welcomes and good words.

Sassy

**Murphyx** · February 3, 2011, 11:29 AM

Sassy's bac journey

Do you really have to pay for birth control in your country? Seriously? I know the UK's NHS (National Health Service) is far from perfect but at least it's free.

**seeking_serenity** · February 3, 2011, 02:28 PM

Sassy's bac journey

Murphyx--yes, we have to pay for everything here. It probably sounds insane to those outside the U.S., but absolutely nothing is free here healthcare-wise. And it's hella expensive to boot. >

**doyourdream** · February 4, 2011, 01:08 AM

Sassy's bac journey

neva, I couldn't follow all of your abbreviations. What is "OA"? What study?

I'm hoping I'll have good results. Giving it some time. Only been two weeks at this point for me. I'm up to 75 mg.

I have good insurance and the annual visit and the IUD were all only $25 US.

**SassyLassy** · May 9, 2011, 09:24 AM

Sassy's bac journey

Update - so close!

From 2/28:
I have felt like I'm not "with it" enough to keep up with some of the other threads...they seem to spend a majority of their day on line. I work, I have 2 sons (16 and 12) and a husband, not to mention the upkeep of a household..cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I am on 50 mg of bac currently, started on Feb 4. I feel the high and dizzy side effect after titrating up. I have been dealing on the side with my MD's...switched from birth control pills to an IUD about a month ago. They told me to keep taking the BCP's for another month. Went to refill them, and the dr/clinic denied them. Ugh. Ok, I'm also on an antidepressant, and last week, scheduled a refill. Hadn't seen movement on it yet, so called the insurance today. Dr. said no to the refill. What the???? I've had depression since my teens, multiple suicide attempts, and favorable reaction to the antidepressants. Saw my shrink in Sept, so WHY OH WHY would they say no to a refill now? It's like a conspiracy (not, but seems), to make me feel damaged, wrong, unworthy, like I have to FIGHT for a simple med. GOD I HATE THIS!!!

From 3/1:
I wonder what my boys think of me...I think my 16 year old stepson thinks/knows I'm a lush, and while he's glad I'm around to do things like keep groceries in the house, cook nice dinners, and generally maintain the household, he doesn't really like me. His mom died when he was six - car accident - and I met his dad when he was 10. Somehow, too old to really bond with in a mother/child way, and while we've never really fought, the relationship has always been stiff.

My son was 6 when I met my hubbie - so full of life and energy and piss and vinegar. He helped the older boy come out of his shell to a certain extent, and the older boy helped mine become a little more disciplined. They had a good relationship, but the older teen is too cool anymore to have anything to do with his younger brother. They are now 16 and 12, if I haven't said that already.

My hubbie owns a liquor store, so there has always been wine around and available for dinner. I didn't really drink, maybe once or twice a month, until I met him, and I was 40 then. Does that mean I don't really have a true addiction, or can it hide like that and evolve with usage/availability? I guess I need to look at why my drinking escalated from just splitting a bottle of wine every night with hubbie, which is plenty, to having my own stash that I can dip into when that's gone, or before dinner while I'm cooking? I was laid off in 2009-10 for eleven months, and I remember thinking that gave me a "right" to want to drink. However, while I'm not a runner, I trained almost daily and ran 3 half marathons in 2009 and 2010. Imagine the weight I'd have lost if I hadn't been drinking! Got my new job a little over a year ago, and I love it-first job I've had that I enjoy and that uses my education and abilities since I relocated 6 years ago to a new city to marry my husband.

Alcoholism is in my family-grandpa was institutionalized, and at least half of his nine kids, including my dad, abuse alcohol or are/were alcoholics. My mom doesn't drink. But in my mind, she's addicted to food. I remember as a young teen trying to diet, and drank Tab - yes, Tab!!. But I think I got addicted to it, at least emotionally. I would buy it in secret, walk or bike to the grocery store to get it, in some pretty bad weather at times, and I'd put it outiside my bedroom window and then bring it into the house through the window. C'mon, if that's not addictive behavior, I don't know what is! Same kind of thing with chocolate. And one of my siblings must've talked about it, because a youth minister at my church actually said something to me about it!!

OK, fast forward to the present-I think it's clear I have the proclivity to want more and more of something, whether it's Tab, chocolate, or wine. Fill me up, feed me, I can't get enough, I want more. There are song lyrics in a John Mellencamp song that sort of say it better than I can:

I'll try anything once but then do it to death
But I ain't ever satisfied
..
Can't get enough, no, of nothing

I've got seven of everything and more in the till
But I ain't ever satisfied
You think this is dangerous stuff
It ain't even a thrill
I ain't ever satisfied
Oh, I am never
No, I am never
I don't know why I ain't ever satisfied

I have a wonderful husband, a little too strict with the boys, likes to be in charge and control most things, but he is a good man, financially we're successful, go to church every Sunday, both came from unbroken homes...I don't have any of the tragedies that I read in some other threads, "valid reasons" to be so messed up, and yet here I am, drinking 1-2 bottles (?) of wine every night. What the F is my problem?

I think I don't feel loved...Mom never really liked me, I was virtually friendless in jr high and high school, my first husband left me, and I am again friendless. Hubbie loves me, still whistles at me, but his passion are his businesses and starting new things - not finishing them. We have a BEAUTIFUL bathroom addition he started in 2004 - not done, not yet useable. A kitchenette in the basement started in 2008 or so, not finished. An office he built for me, nearly finished, but still trim pieces not installed. And finally, we started re-doing our kitchen in December 2010, and well, nothing's been done for a week or two. It's slow going. FINISH!! Soon, it'll be spring and he'll want to spend all of his time in the garden.

Wow, I wanted to get this all out and really "invest" myself in this site, let people know me. I was on Topa Sept-Nov, but it didn't really work, so I didn't refill it. Started on Bac Feb 4, Dr. L prescribed it. I'm at 50 mg/day, will move to 70 or 75 on Thursday. Wanting SO BADLY for it to work. Hubbie mentioned he wanted to give up A for lent...OMG. I'm not ready to commit to something like that!!

Enough - I'm at work, and crying, need to get myself together and get some work done so I don't lose this job. Thanks for listening.

From 3/3/11:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, I'm feeling the bac today...I moved up to 90 mg today, so took 30 mg this morning. That's only 5 mg more than usual. BUT BOY, CAN I FEEL IT! I don't feel tired, but rather, spacy, almost like I'm drunk, but it's a physical thing, not mental. I'm at work, and have been doing normal work things without trouble, figured out a problem that I couldn't figure out yesterday. But I feel a lightness, sort of a floating sensation. Even in my eyes-like I can't always keep my focus. More my hands, as I'm typing, I think it's slower than usual.

I called Walgreens today about my bac Rx - in case you haven't read my earlier post, one of my son's friend's mom is a pharmacist there. We aren't socially friends, but see each other when our sons get together. Anyway, I was going to call a different branch, but this is the "main" one, and where I'll go to pick it up, and I thought, what are the odds that she'd be working this morning? I did talk with a female pharmacist about getting more bac - 100 qty won't do it for the next month - but I don't know if it was her. It sort of sounded like it could be, but she didn't say hi or anything - maybe she can't. This is so weird.

Snowing here - can't we please get some Spring?

**SassyLassy** · May 9, 2011, 09:28 AM

Sassy's bac journey

More from the past

From 3/5
Thursday or Friday morning, I fell on the stairs on the way down to get coffee. Bumped my hip on a couple of stairs, and I have a small bruise on the bottom of one of my feet, but otherwise OK. Wonder if it is the Bac? Then last night, I rented a movie. Hubbie and I shared a bottle of wine at dinner, then he disappeared to his office, and I watched my movie, well, most of it. I had 2 mugs (12 oz??) more of wine while watching. Then I felt like the A hit me all at once. My son came up from the basement (his escape), and wanted to ask me something, but as he talked, I waved him off..."I don't feel good right now, I think I might be sick". He brought me a big bowl, then retreated to the basement. Couple of minutes later, I threw up. Kind of a lot, too. Luckily I had the bowl, as we have white carpet!! Again, wonder if it is the bac?

I didn't finish the movie, cleaned up, and went to bed. At some point while I was watching, hubbie had asked if I was coming up to bed-not for anything other than to make up the bed. SERIOUSLY! He was really upset that he had to put sheets on the bed-whatever. When I crawled in, none of my pillows had cases on them..how many times have I made up the bed, never expecting help, but he has to do it this once and he feels put upon. Whatever.

Today, I went to the gym around 10AM, and after my workout, felt a little nauseous. I was afraid to eat lunch, and wanted something carby-y to soak up whatever was making me feel bad, had a soft pretzel, and now some yogurt. I think I'll be ok. I think it is the bac.

Hubbie and I grouted some tile in the kitchen together today, and are going out for dinner and to the local college for a play/opera. Haven't done something like that in a long time. Not sure if I should drink. I'm at 90 mg of bac/day right now, moved up on Thursday. Oh, and picked up my Rx for bac today - 240 10 mg pills, the most they'd give me- and got a stern warning about how the dose dr L had put on it ("increasing levels up to 300mg/day") is 3 times the manufacterer's recommendation. Verbally, then again on 2 different pieces of paper, hand written, attached to the bag. I felt scolded!

I'll let you know how it goes as I keep moving up...don't like the vomiting!!

**SassyLassy** · May 9, 2011, 09:30 AM

Sassy's bac journey

March 8

We got news yesterday that one of my 12 year old son's classmates committed suicide Sunday night/monday morning...ugh! The death news had all of the 7th graders upset yesterday - they didn't know it was suicide until today. The Facebook posts were incredible. The outpouring of grief and emotion for this child was amazing. He was VERY bright, composed music, jazz band, baseball team, super advanced classes. I never met him, but he's gone to the same school as my son since 1st grade. I can't imagine what the parents are going through. I feel so heavy hearted just for the grief of the classmates that I've observed.

Sorry, a bit off topic-just what's going on this week with this mom. A-wise, I don't think I've been drinking less. 90 mg bac, going up to 110 on Thursday. And hubbie is planning on going A-free during lent, which starts tomorrow. I feel bad/guilty for not being able to commit to that. However, the whole control thing really hits a nerve - I need to decide FOR ME when to go A-free. He's also wanting to lose 10 pounds, and has suggested that I could follow suit, maybe 7 or 8 pounds for his 10. I don't mind the focus on getting healthier, but I have to do this on my time, when I'm ready, not because of the time of year or because hubbie decided it's time. I feel selfish, self centered, but I know I need to do this for ME!

**SassyLassy** · May 9, 2011, 09:36 AM

Sassy's bac journey

March 13, Bac SE..hard to search

So, when we're in the throes of BAC and the SE;s , I don't think we have an effective method of searching for them and finding help. I have been WAY SPACED OUT this weekend, and after multiple searches for help/advice/others experiencing the same thing, I had to give up...my mind couldn't keep up with the searches. BAc so FU's your brain. For those who've hit the switch (NOT ME), can you do something on this site to help those of us in the BAC fog?
(From Serenity

"I've had amazing success using piracetam as a supplement. I bought this brand:
SNS Piracetam, 501 capsules

It works on the GABA receptors, like Bac, and it does wonders for my memory. I was having a terrible time focusing at work, especially when I was hitting the 190mg/day range. I'd be watching my department director speak to me, but my brain would be thinking, "I can't hear or understand a word you're saying." It was really that bad.

Almost immediately after getting my piracetam shipment, I found that I could concentrate so, so much more. I highly recommend it. I haven't noticed any side effects whatsoever, and it can be taken in fairly high amounts as needed."

Me: Funny, I ordered some of that on Thurs or Friday. But this weekend has been SUCH a fog

**SassyLassy** · May 9, 2011, 09:38 AM

Sassy's bac journey

March 14

Hi, everyone, happy Monday!

Feel a little better today. I usually make the gym at least once over a weekend, and I had absolutely no desire or motivation to go. Bac? I also wondered if I might hurt myself, as I was lightheaded, spacy, drunk-like.

Red, the Mom's thread has been quiet...KT wants to take a break, and since she started the thread, it's hard to keep it going without her. Not sure who said what in a PM, but she's taking a break. Still reading, and KT, if you read this, you are missed-please reconsider.

I'm going to try to actually get some work done!!

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